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Winglessfallen
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« on: January 10, 2013, 08:54:05 AM » |
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Still fairly undecided, but my dBPDgf and I are currently in the middle of some very big problems. She injured herself which caused a lot of attitude and flare up, and i just lost all my desire to be sympathetic. We've been in a really bad place since then. I can't put up the front anymore, it feels like. I can't push through my contempt to make her feel like its ok, or she'll be ok. I can't stop myself from rolling my eyes. I haven't blurted out how ridiculous her feelings are yet, but I can feel them getting closer to forcing open my lips and coming out. I just want normal, and I know I'll never get it. Her ex-husband, my T, this board, anyone with experience tells me it won't ever be normal, and getting from her to livable will be a long treacherous road. I'm not one to do more than let someone be themselves, and it's difficult for me to bear unpleasant words, and there is going to be a lot of that for this road to continue. I'm sick of feeling trapped, or feeling nothing at all. Not to mention her S7 and S10 are huge factors, too. The turmoil that she has caused them is starting to really show through in their behavior, and she has no sympathy for anything they've gone through, just iron fisted control. I don't want that future for my s10 months. He is my only reason for staying for the most part, and I feel like it would be better for him to be away from her if at all possible. I feel like she acts neglectfully towards him and cannot meet his basal needs half of the time. On top of her BPD she has an extremely heavy OCD and ADD personality, which just makes everything that much worse. I am incredibly unhappy, and am sick of being told I'm being selfish when I'm not on top of her for every little thing, or I forget to say thank you for a dinner being made. I'm sick of being told that I have no emotions when I can look at a situation without allowing my emotions to over take me and affect my reaction. I'm sick of hearing about how my 10 month old or her 7 and 10 yo are victimizing her and being mean to her. I dated an 18 year old before her, and for the most part, I feel like the 18 year old was more of an adult than my BPDgf.
Sorry for the rant, but here is the on topic part:
Can people give me a clear picture of what this is going to be like, if it happens? We have no legal tie other than our son. In our state, the woman gets sole custody consideration at the start. I want primary custody of our son, but don't know how well that will go. She has no job, but has child support from her first two children. We live a half hour away from her family, and I am tied to the house through the lease, not her.
What should I expect from her? How do I weather any defamation? I will lose people, I'm sure. What have I forgotten to ask that I have to look forward to? I understand that I will have her in my life forever with our child, but I very seriously want freedom from her. I need to be able to clear my mind and rediscover myself. I need to heal from my current insanity and breath. I want to be in love with my life partner, not work hard to be able to cope with her. I want my son to enjoy and love life, not constantly be looking out for the next problem or be restricted to asinine rules that are based around the mothers comfort. I would like him to feel free to speak his mind without being argued with about the minutia of what he says. I want him to feel free to be himself, whatever that is, with out implied judgements. And I don't think any of that is possible with her. I don't want to spend 10 years (like her xh) married to her and have her turn around and want to be with someone else because I think differently than she does. I want to enjoy my life and build something good from it, not spin my wheels and put all of my efforts into one person who demands my attention more than my son.
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