Officially Replaced

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey all -

Haven't been doing anything more than the occasional 'lurk' on here lately -

Just wanted to give a quick update and some perspective from where I am at 4+ months of NC and a FINALIZED DIVORCE!

I have been going to counseling and AA an average of 3 times per week since 09/12 and have done 2 4th/5th Steps and tons of internal digging in the root cellar @Therapist - got my 8 year chip in November.

She filed for Divorce in October - I stayed NC and did not say a word - just signed and delivered docs to her Attorney.

On 12/27 - the very day the County Clerk stamped the Final Decree as 'Recorded' within 4 HOURS SHE HAD UPDATED TO 'IN A RELATIONSHIP' ON FB.

I don't have a FB account - this was told to me by mutual acquaintances.

Here's the weird part of the Taffy Pull/FOG Hangover - I FELT SO RELIEVED TO HAVE BEEN REPLACED IN PUBLIC.

As if the 'Projector' had been officially turned off after running on autopilot for years... .  she was proving and validating everything I had learned and worked on.

The truth is - the only thing that would have REALLY HURT - hurt me to the core - would have been to be told by someone I trust that they saw her and she was in therapy/owning her behavior/making good choices/emotionally sober/etc.

[rdtx]

Hey all -

Haven't been doing anything more than the occasional 'lurk' on here lately -

Just wanted to give a quick update and some perspective from where I am at 4+ months of NC and a FINALIZED DIVORCE!

I have been going to counseling and AA an average of 3 times per week since 09/12 and have done 2 4th/5th Steps and tons of internal digging in the root cellar @Therapist - got my 8 year chip in November.

She filed for Divorce in October - I stayed NC and did not say a word - just signed and delivered docs to her Attorney.

On 12/27 - the very day the County Clerk stamped the Final Decree as 'Recorded' within 4 HOURS SHE HAD UPDATED TO 'IN A RELATIONSHIP' ON FB.

I don't have a FB account - this was told to me by mutual acquaintances.

Here's the weird part of the Taffy Pull/FOG Hangover - I FELT SO RELIEVED TO HAVE BEEN REPLACED IN PUBLIC.

As if the 'Projector' had been officially turned off after running on autopilot for years... .  she was proving and validating everything I had learned and worked on.

The truth is - the only thing that would have REALLY HURT - hurt me to the core - would have been to be told by someone I trust that they saw her and she was in therapy/owning her behavior/making good choices/emotionally sober/etc.

[rdtx]

The truth is - the only thing that would have REALLY HURT - hurt me to the core - would have been to be told by someone I trust that they saw her and she was in therapy/owning her behavior/making good choices/emotionally sober/etc.

I forgot to add - the hurt would have sprung from having it essentially validated the twisty fears/thoughts/feelings that she was right and it WAS all my fault were true.

Even though intellectually you know that isn't true - my experience was very FOG filled and has taken months of 'deprogramming' - being replaced in public finally cut the cord of coulda/shoulda/woulda in my brain.

The fact that I was replaced by someone who was in her orbit the whole time we were together and that she had often belittled him as 'closeted gay/irresponsible/immature/etc... .  ' further cemented the BPD patterns are on the Hard Drive.

Not to mention that the last F'n thing I would be ready for at this point in time is to be officially 'In a Relationship' and tell everyone about it on F'n FB - it smacks of 'Whistling Past the Graveyard.'

[bpdspell]

Hey Rdtx,

You're on a healing journey and it sounds like the worst of it is over for you. You still have a ways to go but keep going... .  you are heading in the right direction even though there will always be bumps in the road. Congrats on your AA counseling and your divorce! Success within sobriety is huge! Working on ourselves and looking within takes tremendous courage so pat yourself on the back.  Our BPD ex's rather jump into a new rescuer situation than look within but their rinse, wash and repeat cycle almost always blows up in their faces. Because wherever they go BPD will live.

As for your ex being in relationship be happy that you're out of it. She's now his problem.   It may sting to hear this news but without therapy she's still the same disordered, miserable and internally unhappy person. If you can muster the strength; pray for her. Her new object will not change a thing about her. He will not be her knight in shining armor or her answer to her brokenness.

I also will like to take a stab at shifting your perspective a bit. You're weren't replaced you were released.  

Spell

[really]

It stung when I heard the news my ex got engaged to my replacement... .  the guy she said was not her type at all.  I suspect he is very much her type... although I don't know the guy so very difficult to judge him.

Having it all broadcast on FB also helped me realise how the BPD patterns are on the Hard Drive as you say... .  the post had something like "now which finger does this go on"... .  not like she didn't know given that she was wearing my engagement ring this time last year.   

I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that my ex has not been anywhere near a therapist... .  the gaslighting, abusive messages, denial of reality... .  telling me I am a disgusting person when I said "so you were having sex with this guy while telling me you wanted to get pregnant with my baby then".   

So sadly for her new guy she won't have changed at all and as much as it hurt for the past year staying with her would have only led to a lot more pain... .  didn't think that was possible but I know it is.

[rdtx]

As for your ex being in relationship be happy that you're out of it. She's now his problem.   It may sting to hear this news but without therapy she's still the same disordered, miserable and internally unhappy person.

Oddly enough, that didn't sting at all!

It was the ultra quick replacement that was the concrete proof that the BPD cycle is for real - before I could apply it all personally, the FOG could still mess with my head.

Years of Projection were massively minimized the second I was told about her new victim.

Pray for her - probably not. Maybe I'll pray for him - he's gonna need it!