Mixed emotions and it seems my partner is upping the game?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am currently doing my best to detach, preparing to exit.  I believe I am somewhere in step 3.

Has anyone experienced their pwBPD picking up on the space you are creating and provoking you even more?

I read through the info on extinction burst and am trying to prepare myself, which has been an ongoing effort anyway for the swift mood swings.

I'm not sure if I am more hyper-aware now of the behavioral traits my uBPDbf exhibits and walking on eggshells more than I normally do,  or if he is gearing up for some kind of manufactured issue to rage at me about in order to dump me (again) to avoid abandonment?

He is all over the place emotionally at the moment. Tells me he cannot attend an event with me this weekend, then when I tell him it is cancelled he says "Oh that is too bad because I was actually planning to be free and go with you. I say "well, we can make the most of the evening and your open window" he replies "No, I really do not know if I will have time until late that day. We'll see.

In a healthy relationship this might not seem like much, but when it is a daily push/pull... .  anyway. I did not bite or reply.

then he said "you seem short and very cold"

I replied "Huh. I do not mean to be short or cold, I think I am just a little distracted with my work".

He dropped it, thankfully.

He was asking me how to improve his business model. I said, research and planning is where to begin. I also forwarded him a link to one of his competitors who is getting a lot of press lately. His response was so odd "They are a married team, are you trying to tell me something with this link?

I responded and said "It appears they are married, yes. I forwarded it for you to review because they use social networking very effectively".

He replies "That is not what it sounds like to me." I just said "ok. let me know what you think about their use of networking after you have taken a look at their model"

I have felt for a very long time he manufactures whatever he wants to hear and  then tells me what I REALLY mean.

This is a huge frustration. I try to validate his interpretation and then restate. His response to my restating is always "that is not what you said".

In the past years this was the beginning of many arguments. In the last weeks I simply say one time "I understand you heard "X", I hope my restating my communication has helped you understand my thoughts." If he does not accept this, I say, maybe we can discuss it another time.

Is there something more I can do other than be VERY mindful of my goal(s), continue to detach, and let him "be" whatever he chooses in the moment and not take it personally or react? Are their more lessons I can read? I guess I am looking for ways to cope through this is the healthiest possible manner.

My point is this feels like a mine-field at the moment. I'm not sure of this is just my anxiety or if he is picking up on my anxiety(too), which I am really trying hard to not exhibit outwardly, and provoking me because he feels me detaching?

This is so confusing and challenging. 

any thoughts appreciated.

[wishingwell17]

I am currently doing my best to detach, preparing to exit.  I believe I am somewhere in step 3.

Has anyone experienced their pwBPD picking up on the space you are creating and provoking you even more?

I read through the info on extinction burst and am trying to prepare myself, which has been an ongoing effort anyway for the swift mood swings.

I'm not sure if I am more hyper-aware now of the behavioral traits my uBPDbf exhibits and walking on eggshells more than I normally do,  or if he is gearing up for some kind of manufactured issue to rage at me about in order to dump me (again) to avoid abandonment?

He is all over the place emotionally at the moment. Tells me he cannot attend an event with me this weekend, then when I tell him it is cancelled he says "Oh that is too bad because I was actually planning to be free and go with you. I say "well, we can make the most of the evening and your open window" he replies "No, I really do not know if I will have time until late that day. We'll see.

In a healthy relationship this might not seem like much, but when it is a daily push/pull... .  anyway. I did not bite or reply.

then he said "you seem short and very cold"

I replied "Huh. I do not mean to be short or cold, I think I am just a little distracted with my work".

He dropped it, thankfully.

He was asking me how to improve his business model. I said, research and planning is where to begin. I also forwarded him a link to one of his competitors who is getting a lot of press lately. His response was so odd "They are a married team, are you trying to tell me something with this link?

I responded and said "It appears they are married, yes. I forwarded it for you to review because they use social networking very effectively".

He replies "That is not what it sounds like to me." I just said "ok. let me know what you think about their use of networking after you have taken a look at their model"

I have felt for a very long time he manufactures whatever he wants to hear and  then tells me what I REALLY mean.

This is a huge frustration. I try to validate his interpretation and then restate. His response to my restating is always "that is not what you said".

In the past years this was the beginning of many arguments. In the last weeks I simply say one time "I understand you heard "X", I hope my restating my communication has helped you understand my thoughts." If he does not accept this, I say, maybe we can discuss it another time.

Is there something more I can do other than be VERY mindful of my goal(s), continue to detach, and let him "be" whatever he chooses in the moment and not take it personally or react? Are their more lessons I can read? I guess I am looking for ways to cope through this is the healthiest possible manner.

My point is this feels like a mine-field at the moment. I'm not sure of this is just my anxiety or if he is picking up on my anxiety(too), which I am really trying hard to not exhibit outwardly, and provoking me because he feels me detaching?

This is so confusing and challenging. 

any thoughts appreciated.

[bpdspell]

Hey Wishing well,

I find that what helps is sticking to the emotional goals you have created for yourself. Think about your future and whether or not you want this man to be a part of it. You mentioned that you are working on detachment and I applaud you for that.   Part of detaching is learning how redirect the futile focus of trying to decipher his thoughts and actions and choosing instead to focus on your wants and needs.

Detaching is tricky. A part of us craves the relationship we dreamed would be with us for the rest of our lives while our rational minds are screaming at us to walk away and never look back. It's a lot of angst, anxiety and ambivalence. But at some point a full out decision has to be made and usually it comes to choosing yourself or choosing them. Detachment is not about punishing them; detachment is about accepting what is and accepting that they're mentally ill.

Are you in T?

As your soon to be ex partner feels your emotional withdrawal you will need to prepare yourself for the backlash/extinction burst as he will feel his power over you subsiding. Usually being in contact with them makes this transition even more challenging.  The back and forth texts aren't helping. Have you considered NC to give yourself some emotional space from him or are you still hopeful that this limited contact will make him straighten up and fly right?

Play games they will. My ex felt the ax dropping and resorted to all kinds of punitive behavior to teach me a lesson. I went NC immediately. If we remain in contact with them things can really get ugly. They don't get that we need space from them. In their minds all they hear is: I will be abandoned and I will be lonely.

Spell

[wishingwell17]

BPDspell.

First, yes I have a T. and an appt in 2 weeks from now. If it is an emergency I can get in sooner, for now I am okay, just a bit of anxiety.

Yes, I am feeling just as you described. I am consciously detaching one step at a time, yet,  I still crave the dream (especially when he is being charming which was the case recently) while intellectually I know I have to leave because it only lasts for a few weeks at best. 

In our past break ups I have gone n/c. I lasted up to 3 months once, then I caved and answered. He was very angry about the NC and I understand now I implemented it in a very hurtful manner, which also did not help me meet my needs of having him respect the space I required. I was not communicative regarding needing the time with no contact for me to heal, he thought I was being immature and I see how this is fair criticism.  I was not clear that it WAS about my healing and NOT about blocking him. I will reread the lesson on n/c soon to make sure I am respectful and also get what I need.

I am still living with him at the moment, even though we do very little together. I see him from 8pm to 11pm, sleep, and then see him for 15 minutes in the morning, every day including weekends. It is not all that much to be honest and this is okay as it seems if I am around him for too long, for example over christmas eve/day, I am unable to keep up my guard up/boundaries strong and something I do will trigger him to react very harshly or flip into rage. I do have a place to go when I feel I am strong enough to have the conversation about breaking up. My plan now is to see my T, then see a different T with him so I can break the news with a counselor present. I feel a bit guilty about planning this in advance, however in my situation it feels it may be the path of least drama. Or, I hope.

In the meantime, I need to work on how to redirect my thoughts and stop trying to decipher. Truly detach. Thanks for the wake-up, I was in a blind spot trying to figure it all out again. Argh. Redirect to my wants and needs, yes I need to refocus and do this, thank you.

Grateful for this board and the kindness in which you all help me navigate and find my way.

[Take2]

He is all over the place emotionally at the moment. Tells me he cannot attend an event with me this weekend, then when I tell him it is cancelled he says "Oh that is too bad because I was actually planning to be free and go with you. I say "well, we can make the most of the evening and your open window" he replies "No, I really do not know if I will have time until late that day. We'll see.

then he said "you seem short and very cold"

I replied "Huh. I do not mean to be short or cold, I think I am just a little distracted with my work".

He dropped it, thankfully.

I have experienced this type of conversation so many times it's ridiculous... .    and that last part - rarely dropped - and always on the days when he is clearly looking for ammunition for a fight with me... .    often I walk into work and encounter this attitude - if something work related set him off, if a dream set him off, if something on the radio during his drive into work set him off... .  I don't always know the trigger of the moment but I can almost always now tell when he's looking to argue.  I do try and detach as much as possible when this happens but I'm not always successful.  I have a busy, stressful position and sometimes I might actually respond annoyed if I have too much going onand of course I have regreted that so many times... .  

Maybe you are now aware of it and obviously yes anxious about it but also able to recognize the signs when a rage might be about to occur.