training

[smartwoman220]

Just curious... .  



If you and BPD break up, and meet again later in life, can they  be trained?  like if you start to notice the monster starting to sneak out, can you look him squarely in the eye and make him go away, or teach him how to behave?  

I mean since they are  like children ( who are teachable), can we teach them how to treat us? Or is this something only a new partner can do.

I was just thinking, after reading  the post about the 7 year old, even ill mannered  children have a certain bond with their parental figure. No matter what happens, no one can take their place. So lets say there is a special bond between you too ( the BPDs are human, so even though they are warped, they still have feelings, and memories, right?) and you've learned how to manage your issues, could you teach them how to mange theirs too?

Again, I am just curious

[faithfull]

They are children, but they are equipped with adult's bad behaviors. If you can keep up with constant cheating, lies, smearing, and lack of empathy then the question is if they really want to grow? the answer is NO. Because they could not play the "victim role" if they grow up. The worst dilemma for every man is not to have identity. Victim identity is the only choice for the pwBPD. If they lost that choice they would self harm, or in the worst case commit suicide...

[myself]

It feels more like pwBPD train US. We go along with it, to varying degrees, but if you're talking about control, they're the ones scrambling to have as much of it as possible. In fact, I recall my exSOgfupwBPDmirrormate joking with a friend of hers about how they had their men 'trained', and we all just kind of laughed it off. Doesn't seem as funny, now. I thought many times it felt like jumping through hoop after hoop, and that sounds like someone 'trained' to do so, to me. The intermittent rewards became less and less, and had lost a lot of their flavor by the time I got to even taste them. I didn't like that feeling, and would not want to be the person 'training' someone, either. That's to the extreme, though, in some ways. As far as teaching them how to behave with us? In most cases, if it didn't already happen, and happen naturally, it's not going to later. Especially with a PD/traits involved like we've experienced. AKA: It Is What It Is, and that's pretty much it.

[Rose Tiger]

As you recover, he will be less and less appealing.  There is a saying, we teach people how to treat us.  As you learn to love yourself more, you won't tolerate unsafe people's behavior in that sort of relationship.  On the staying board, they do talk about boundaries and walking away from abuse.  So in a way, they are teaching their partners.  Little kids are emotionally immature but that's not the only issue with pwBPD, little kids don't tend to be abusive towards those that love them.    I found that my upbringing made me comfortable around pwBPD, I had to do lots of healing work not only in regard to the ex but also from a dysfunctional childhood.  It's been quite the journey! 

[FindingMe2011]

If you and BPD break up, and meet again later in life, can they  be trained?

The more you grow (gain maturity) the more you will realize, the fairy tale story doesnt exist, and how futile, and exhausting (if by chance you do try this) it would be. What you are doing with yourself is fairly close, to what this person would need to do. TRAIN THEMSELVES, FOR THEMSELVES, AND BY THEMSELVES. Having a discussion with this person, would only give them the info, to tell you what you want to hear, and in turn, once again, you would see what you want to see. If you want the truth, observe the actions, not the words. Also remember the words, they come right back at you, just as a parrot would do, just as you wanted to hear. Your perception is your being understood, your not, and the hamster wheel of pain continues, and we wonder why. The coping mechanisms, they have adapted( for their survival) should give you some insight, on how difficult this would be... .  The term "trained", refers to control, and also leads to the only results possible, dysfunction... .  You would be serving yourself better, (you deserve this) to continue this path (it too will still have its ups and downs) to not only completely let this person go, but your past beliefs, that were faulty. Its been said many times over that illnesses, that run this deep, can only be curved. So Im glad that I have gained the ability to be aware of my own behaviors, and work with my past unresolved trauma, the results of this is peace.

I mean since they are  like children ( who are teachable), can we teach them how to treat us? Or is this something only a new partner can do.

Another faulty belief. The new r/s appears to be something its not. When you look back, is this not what you experienced? It could possibly last the rest of their lives, but the illness remains. The steps to the dance may change. In the end, its still the dance, the illness dictates this, no exceptions.

So lets say there is a special bond between you two

Its actually an unresolved trauma bond, and in the end, more painful than special. To believe the other feels this way also, is setting yourself up for a crash. The severity of this crash depends on the severity of your trauma.

( the BPDs are human, so even though they are warped, they still have feelings, and memories, right?)

yes they are human, disordered humans... .  Their feelings are facts, are yours?, these feelings distort, twist, and turn their memories, or events to justify their actions... .  Hmmm, upon  reading this before I posted. I once believed that the pain I felt was soo great, it must be LOVE, I was wrong. My definition of love has changed.

and you've learned how to manage your issues, could you teach them how to mange theirs too?

Ahhh, the new knowledge we have gained. The epiphany we feel, when we start to understand. Our co-dependent tendencies rear there ugly heads, and we want to rescue someone whom has no want, to be saved. Regardless what one says. Their actions tell us this, but we see what we want to see. There are many stories/articles about this here. Start a thread, about what its like to confront one, about an illness, or ask some professionals, its a train wreck

Again, I am just curious

Im not much for old times sayings. In fact Ive heard so many as a child,(confusing, by saying one thing and meaning another) I always wondered(i dont anymore) why adults cant bring themselves to explain them, and actually relate to children, and bridge a gap that shouldnt exist, but... .  curiosity killed the cat,... .  I read another post of yours, where your T expressed its time to be selfish... .  Putting your well being first (with a balance), is not selfish, its mature. Just as being alone, doesnt equate to loneliness, as it seems your starting to learn... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[Curvy girl]

They're people, not dogs... .  

Cart man hit the nail on the head.

Trying to control another persons behaviour is how we got ourselves in this mess in the first place.