Some real life excerpts

[shellsh0cked]

Came across my Blackberry's backup files... . had some texts on it from the night she accused me of checking out (basically salivating) over a 15 year old girl... .  

Can you guys relate to this?

Me:  You treat me like I'm a sh!t!  I'm NOT!  Hopefully you'll figure that out one day.

I bet someone might treat me like that eventually.  But I'm f#cked!  I can't. I'd rather be alone and be depressed. Better than this!

Her: I couldve been so happy with u. We couldve had everything. If only i was enough 4 u. The only thing missing. And a very big deal 2 me, esp with u, xxxxx

Me:If only YOU could get past BULLSH!T insecurities despite ALL my efforts!  It NOT fair to rake me over the coals cause u can't deal with it.  I'm tired of hearing about "validation" when it doesn't have ONE GD basis in fact. I'll go to my grave feeling ok. I did NOTHING wrong. Not today, not NOV. I'll NEVER EVER in 10,000 years tell you that what you "felt" or "saw" was valid. Cause it's NOT. I wouldn't argue it.  I'm not going to be miserable or feel like a pile of sh!t anymore over it. NOT ONE MORE xxxDAMN DAY!

Her:  (1/4) Dont then. I couldve gotten over insecurities. U kept validating those tho. I know what i saw. U do 2.U keep saying it was subconscience. I guess u 2 (2/4) need 2 have a conversation. Hope it was worth it. Guess so. Willing 2 corner me, yell n my face, spit on me, spill wine on me, push me, argue 2 the death (3/4) with me 2 the death about it. Hope it was worth it. There r women out there who will out up with it. 2 bad ull never have the love & passion u couldve (4/4) with me had u let it happen. But i guess ur willing 2 live with that.

ME:  Ok.  You pushed me to a level I've never been before. You've done it too. I did NOT spit in your face intentionally. Don't even.  Its why I left.

Questuon IS are YOU willing to let me walk away?  

Her:  Oh and leave me, lets not 4get that. Very anxious 2 leave, u were. And did. Seems like that was a goal.  U walked away remember? After u did all of that 2 me 2.

Me:  Anxious?  I TRIED to talk to your unsreasonable @ss for almost an HOUR!  The LAST thing I wanted to do was leave!  But I'm NOT gonna take your SH!T anymore!

Me:  xxxx you!  You pushed me. Yelled at me!  Came to my house with KNIVES!  Bragged about how YOU F*CKED 3 other people too. xxxdamn you!  How dare you!  

Her:  U cornered me. Were violent with me. Snarling. Kept threatening 2 leave. U wanted 2 leave.

Me:  Violent?  I don't think so.  I regret being pushy. That was TOO far.  It's why I left. Can't you see that?  Not going psycho like you did. Had to stop.  :)ID NOT want to leave!  Wanted to be with you. Make love!  You wanted to fight over SH!T!

Her:  (1/2) I brought the man i loved home 2 meet my family ... . who i never guessed wouldve... . that person has ruined my life. Went 2 a bad place. I`ll never go (2/2) there again. I will never get hurt like that again.

Me:  I put the ball in YOUR court!  For almost 30 minutes.  Good. Hope you find someone that lives up to your expectations and will put up with your out of control sh!t. xxxx you for the way you treated me.

Her:  U kept giving me ultimatums u knew i wouldnt go with. Kinda like me sayin "xxxxa, give me 100 pushups or ill punish u". U wanted 2 leave.

Me:  Go ahead and blame me some more. Go find you someone to make you feel "attractive". I hope you enjoy it.  


Fun times huh?  This sound like you and your x?  Healthy?  I don't think so... .

[State85]

Sounds familiar... .

[Perfidy]

Yup. Weapons grade borderline

[shellsh0cked]

A few more from the same night:

Me:  You've cussed me.  Called me a "piece of sh!t", got in my face and yelled at me.  Pushed me. But ur completely innocent. I should lit it "slide".  It's all MY FAULT. You're not culpable for anything are you?  ALL your issues are MY FAULT!  Whatever. I'm not gonna put up with it any more.  You MINIMIZE how what YOU did!  Nothing wrong huh?  When were u planning on telling me? (referring to sleeping with another guy)

Her: (1/2) Bacardi 151 2 ease the pain when dropping off ur stuff. Then u blocked me. Ignored me. I snapped. Best thing would b 2 discuss. Give someone the closure (2/2) they need. Not justifying (note her blaming me for her behavior)

Me:  There u go again. Just let it slide with "I was drunk on 151".  Well as you say xxxDAMN IT.  Own it. Own it xxxdamnit!

Her:  We werent 2gether. Ive only had eyes 4 u when we were. Literally. Not just words. Anything else would b disrespectful & humiliating & wrong.

Me:  You suck for that. You will never ever be happy if you continue to treat people you love like that!  Anyone else would say I was CRAZY for staying with you!


Me:  Go ahead and blame me some more. Go find you someone to make you feel "attractive". I hope you enjoy it.  I DON'T GIVE a xxxDAMN F#CK about your reasons for doing it.  How dare you minimize that?  "We weren't together". What the F#CK ever!v. Do you even F#CKING care how that hurts me?  Obviously not!  Not to mention rubbing my face in it!

Her:  Not minimizing. Theres right & wrong tho. Black and white. (interesting choice of words... . )

Me:  All the goddamn "damage" was on my end huh?  You acted like a tramp!  And that's supposed to sit ok with me?

Her: I told u 2 hurt u back 4 all the hurt uve caused me, mainly thanksgiving (the insane boob incident she is referring to). The way it made u feel? Same with the incident(s). I hear ya.

Me:  You keep saying  like it was no big ___ing deal. Well NEWS FLASH!  ITs A BIG xxxDAMN DEAL TO me, in case you hadn't figured it the F#CK out!v   Your incidents?  You're xxxDAMN wrong!  You do NOT KNOW me. You don't. You NEVER f#cking will

Her:  I hate that. Hate it 4 me 2.

Me:  Ask anyone about me. I know me. They know me. YOU are the only f#cking one who doesn't!  

Her:  Guess not. Very sad. All of it. I`ll always grieve him.  (1/2) Guess i didnt know hoim then. Always felt safe & secure with him... His heart belonged 2 me & vice vs. I know without a doubt i wouldve never felt this (2/2) way with him.

Me:  I'm not to worried about God cause I KNOW who iu am, the things I've done, right or wrong. I'm sorry you'll go to ur grave thinking that way of me. U r wrong!

[Murbay]

Brings back many fond memories, the kind that drive you insane.

Glad you didn't do what I did and apologise just to keep the peace, because then that stuff gets thrown back in your face anytime something else goes wrong. It's amazing when you leave the cycle and look back on things like this, just how insane and crazy it really is.

Glad you got out of it and hopefully got yourself on a path to healing.

[shellsh0cked]

Brings back many fond memories, the kind that drive you insane.

Glad you didn't do what I did and apologise just to keep the peace, because then that stuff gets thrown back in your face anytime something else goes wrong. It's amazing when you leave the cycle and look back on things like this, just how insane and crazy it really is.

Glad you got out of it and hopefully got yourself on a path to healing.

Thanks... . I had ENOUGH that night.  I said some things really out of character for me.  I always walked on eggshells around her.  In two months she had accused me of making sexual advances to her mother by looking at her breasts and flirting with her... . (she's got wirey gray hair and about 20 years older than me) and ogling a 15 year old girl at a pool... . Not to mention the weekly, daily rhetoric about any other woman that walked upright that wasn't black or lesbian.  But damn... . a guy can only take so much of that till he finally does snap and lets her have it... . When it happened with her mother I should have let her have it... . but thing is guys?  No matter what I did, it wasn't going to help.  Anger, compassion... . indifference?  They would all fail with her.  I couldn't win. 

[Obibens]

Yeah, that is all too familiar.  It took me awhile to realize this was some of the 'fleas' I picked up from her.  Classic passive-agressive behaviour.  Then, because you actually do look inwardly, you honestly regret your outburst.  You feel bad.  You aplogize, and that just opens the door to everthing getting pushed into your 'bucket of mistakes'.

I'm working hard at trying to fix this, but is soo hard because the skills required to validate and reassure them aren't all the different from being 'passive'.  Yeah, she doesn't yell, when I do that.  She just says hurtful things in a quieter voice.

I guess I'm missing where the outlet is for the person hearing all that 'stuff'.

[shellsh0cked]

Yeah, that is all too familiar.  It took me awhile to realize this was some of the 'fleas' I picked up from her.  Classic passive-agressive behaviour.  Then, because you actually do look inwardly, you honestly regret your outburst.  You feel bad.  You aplogize, and that just opens the door to everthing getting pushed into your 'bucket of mistakes'.

I'm working hard at trying to fix this, but is soo hard because the skills required to validate and reassure them aren't all the different from being 'passive'.  Yeah, she doesn't yell, when I do that.  She just says hurtful things in a quieter voice.

I guess I'm missing where the outlet is for the person hearing all that 'stuff'.

I feel bad for losing my temper and cursing... . but I don't regret my rebuttals.  I had done neither of these things... . and I was damn F#UCKING tired of being punished for it.  That's my only regret for anything I said there.  

[Perfidy]

SS... Some of the exchanges are verbatim. The blaming and not taking responsibility. Looking to assign blame. Moving past that. We all know what the facts are. Being able to face this and accept it moves me closer to healing.

[Obibens]

I feel bad for losing my temper and cursing... . but I don't regret my rebuttals.  I had done neither of these things... . and I was damn F#UCKING tired of being punished for it.  That's my only regret for anything I said there.  

I know exactly what you mean.

[shellsh0cked]

SS... Some of the exchanges are verbatim. The blaming and not taking responsibility. Looking to assign blame. Moving past that. We all know what the facts are. Being able to face this and accept it moves me closer to healing.

You are totally right about that... . She NEVER accepted blame for anything, so I probably was throwing a lot of stuff back in her face.  I was so frustrated.  It was hard to not blame shift when I had been eating so much garbage for so long.  When I am wrong I don't mind being told I am... . I don't mind it either if I am called out on it.  But damn... . punishment for things I KNOW I didn't do... . Horrible... .

I'm over it... . I just wanted to share it with you guys.

[Murbay]

That was an issue that kept me within the cycle for a very long time. Being pushed and pushed until you said something out of character. It was at that stage you feel guilty for what you said and apologise for your own behaviour. The thing I struggled with was that she would take my apology as justification that she was right and the cycle continues.

Obibens, hurtful things in a quiet voice was a classic for me too. I would be reminded of it constantly and then be told she had to be right because I was getting frustrated and she was calm.

Shellsh0cked, your last sentence says it all, you couldn't win and you never would do either. There is no reasoning or logic behind the thinking and you will always be forced into a position of being wrong no matter what you did. Don't forget, a pwBPD cannot take responsibility for their own actions. So this means when you are wrong, you are wrong but when they are wrong, they cannot take ownership so force their wrong back on you. Either way, you will always be wrong.

The question you need to ask yourself is why you would want to win. What I mean by that is that you know the truth and in the grand scheme of things, that is what truly matters. It was the cycle that kept me going back to the nastiness, the false accusations, the lies told to others to make her look good. She was the angel and I was the demon and she very nearly convinced my family of the same thing, that was until they met her and got on the wrong side of her. Same thing with the T, she convinced him she was an angel too and then he backed off and all hell was unleashed on him.

I kept going back because I knew they were lies and wanted to clear my name. The moment I learned I had nothing to prove to anyone and just by being me, people see through the lies. Winning didn't matter and I was able to let go of the craziness.

[Perfidy]

SS... Some of the exchanges are verbatim. The blaming and not taking responsibility. Looking to assign blame. Moving past that. We all know what the facts are. Being able to face this and accept it moves me closer to healing.

You are totally right about that... . She NEVER accepted blame for anything, so I probably was throwing a lot of stuff back in her face.  I was so frustrated.  It was hard to not blame shift when I had been eating so much garbage for so long.  When I am wrong I don't mind being told I am... . I don't mind it either if I am called out on it.  But damn... . punishment for things I KNOW I didn't do... . Horrible... .

I'm over it... . I just wanted to share it with you guys.

I bet her favorite topics of conversation included $hit talking just about everyone and that she destroyed every friendship that she ever made.

[shellsh0cked]

I bet her favorite topics of conversation included $hit talking just about everyone and that she destroyed every friendship that she ever made.-

Well…yes and no.  She would talk about them like they were the most awesome thing ever and then talk about them as if they were steaming piles on dung only worth burning in hell…Just depended on what stage she was at.  She accused me on several occasions of having an affair with her friend and neighbor.  At that point she said her friend was a complete slut, a thief, a horrible person….Next time you talked to her, she was a wonderful mother that had some difficulties and had been through a lot…Never knew what was gonna come out of her mouth.  

[In_n_Out]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

[Perfidy]

I'm trying to remember. It's been quite a while now. Nope... . She always was negative. Never spoke of ideas. Only people and events. Never ideas. Always negative. Dragged me down.

[shellsh0cked]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

[Murbay]

I bet her favorite topics of conversation included $hit talking just about everyone and that she destroyed every friendship that she ever made.

Doesn't just extend to friends, work colleagues were a favourite topic of my ex too. Everybody seemed incompetent and had it not been for her, the world would have collapsed. When they did something for her they became the best thing ever for a few weeks and then slipped back into being completely incompetent.

A work colleague and friend of hers split from her husband and took time away from everyone to deal with it all. The ex was so angry and nasty about her simply because her friend didn't tell her everything that was going on. The hatred that came out of her mouth towards her friend was unreal.

She actually described one of her best qualities as being able to intimidate people.

[Perfidy]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

This is my new sport. What's her number?

[shellsh0cked]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

This is my new sport. What's her number?

LOL!  I don't hate anyone enough to do that to them... .

[In_n_Out]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

You posted the examples, I'm just telling you what I'm reading.  Go back and look at how may "You... . !" are in there from you.  How else do you expect anybody to respond when you're getting a bombardment of "You... . !".  Sorry that it wasn't the reply or sympathy that you're seeking.

[phantom17]

   


I don't even need the context of the conversations to understand exactly what the F*** was going on here.

Personally, I was accused of sleeping with a 15 year old... . so I totally totally totally understand the frustration and rage. There's only so much you can take before you explode.

[ShadowDancer]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

This is my new sport. What's her number?

[shellsh0cked]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

You posted the examples, I'm just telling you what I'm reading.  Go back and look at how may "You... . !" are in there from you.  How else do you expect anybody to respond when you're getting a bombardment of "You... . !".  Sorry that it wasn't the reply or sympathy that you're seeking.

Totally cool... . I appreciate the feedback... . Here’s  some mor of the back story on me blowing up on her…In addition to being accused just then of checking out a 15 year old girl…(this was a Saturday night) she had accused me earlier in the week or “making up” that I had to take my father to the hospital on Sunday.  That one blew me away.  So instead of being with my dad Saturday night to get up and take him to the hospital, I spent the night with her to keep the “fires” out.  I had ENOUGH of her at that point.  So much a belly full.  She needed someone to bombard her with some "YOU".  I’d been hearing it for 14 months.  So I was going to get up from her palce on Sunday and go get him... . which was  incredibly out my way... . but I did it to keep her happy.  She KNEW I had to do this the next morning... . So instead of being compassionate... . or caring... . or giving anything that resmebled a damn about me... . my father... . or my family even... . , she chose to pick a fight with me over something ridiculous... . SO yeah... . I had enough... . I blew up... . and I was sorry for the hurtful things I said, but she needed to hear what I felt instead of me just letting her  bully me constantly.  There is only so much I am gonna let someone kick me in the stomach on the ground... .

[phantom17]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

You posted the examples, I'm just telling you what I'm reading.  Go back and look at how may "You... . !" are in there from you.  How else do you expect anybody to respond when you're getting a bombardment of "You... . !".  Sorry that it wasn't the reply or sympathy that you're seeking.

Totally cool... . I appreciate the feedback... . Here’s  some mor of the back story on me blowing up on her…In addition to being accused just then of checking out a 15 year old girl…(this was a Saturday night) she had accused me earlier in the week or “making up” that I had to take my father to the hospital on Sunday.  That one blew me away.  So instead of being with my dad Saturday night to get up and take him to the hospital, I spent the night with her to keep the “fires” out.  I had ENOUGH of her at that point.  So much a belly full.  She needed someone to bombard her with some "YOU".  I’d been hearing it for 14 months.  So I was going to get up from her palce on Sunday and go get him... . which was  incredibly out my way... . but I did it to keep her happy.  She KNEW I had to do this the next morning... . So instead of being compassionate... . or caring... . or giving anything that resmebled a damn about me... . my father... . or my family even... . , she chose to pick a fight with me over something ridiculous... . SO yeah... . I had enough... . I blew up... . and I was sorry for the hurtful things I said, but she needed to hear what I felt instead of me just letting her  bully me constantly.  There is only so much I am gonna let someone kick me in the stomach on the ground... .

sounds like we dated the same woman 

[ShadowDancer]

No embarrassment or regrets here. I'm not sorry at all about one single thing I said or did. It was the truth. My truth. Every person has a threshold. A line in the sand as it were.

[In_n_Out]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

You posted the examples, I'm just telling you what I'm reading.  Go back and look at how may "You... . !" are in there from you.  How else do you expect anybody to respond when you're getting a bombardment of "You... . !".  Sorry that it wasn't the reply or sympathy that you're seeking.

Totally cool... . I appreciate the feedback... . Here’s  some mor of the back story on me blowing up on her…In addition to being accused just then of checking out a 15 year old girl…(this was a Saturday night) she had accused me earlier in the week or “making up” that I had to take my father to the hospital on Sunday.  That one blew me away.  So instead of being with my dad Saturday night to get up and take him to the hospital, I spent the night with her to keep the “fires” out.  I had ENOUGH of her at that point.  So much a belly full.  She needed someone to bombard her with some "YOU".  I’d been hearing it for 14 months.  So I was going to get up from her palce on Sunday and go get him... . which was  incredibly out my way... . but I did it to keep her happy.  She KNEW I had to do this the next morning... . So instead of being compassionate... . or caring... . or giving anything that resmebled a damn about me... . my father... . or my family even... . , she chose to pick a fight with me over something ridiculous... . SO yeah... . I had enough... . I blew up... . and I was sorry for the hurtful things I said, but she needed to hear what I felt instead of me just letting her  bully me constantly.  There is only so much I am gonna let someone kick me in the stomach on the ground... .

It's all good and yes, I'm sure that there is a TON of backstory that could be given that would make a lot more sense of those text messages than just reading those in the context presented.  Trust me, I wanted to send mine all kinds of stuff like that but didn't.  Oh I wrote it all out but just filed it away on my computer - just in case.  No need to stir the hornets nest... . just quietly slipping away from port praying that I don't sink in the process... .

[Murbay]

Actually, In_n_Out has a point to an extent and I can definitely see his view.

A correct response would be something like "I feel very hurt and angry when I'm accused of trying to pick up 15 year old girls"

However, in the middle of a heated argument, these things tend to go out of the window and arguments fall into finger pointing. You did this to me, you did that to me. The truth of the matter being, nobody can do anything to you unless you allow them to. I believe that is the point In_n_Out is trying to get across.

However, given that, when you take the context out of the argument and look at the things that have happened leading up to what happened, I can clearly see what was the driving force behind it all. It is something I had a frustration with in terms of my exBPDw. She NEVER took responsibility for anything she did wrong and didn't have any empathy for how her actions made someone else feel. To that extent, I completely understand why the argument above unfolded the way it did. You had so much put on you that through anger, you tried to make her accountable for her actions and force some of those things back on her. In the midst of some of that, you have also tried to get her to take ownership of your own feelings. Very easy mistake to make as everything becomes enmeshed.

I had discussions with my T about all ownership and responsibility being put on my shoulders. How could I remove what isn't mine and deal with what was. One way my T described it is that feelings are yours, actions are hers. That's not always 100% because we all make mistakes but it is a good basis to work towards for your own development and well being.

[ShadowDancer]

Sounds like it was a lot of "you did this, you do that, you are this, you are that" from you with her trying to defend herself to me frankly.

K... . let me get you her number then... . Go out with her and see just how wrong I am... . I can hook you up.  I think I was fully justified in telling her that I didn't appreciate the accusations nor her blowing off acting like a whore.

You posted the examples, I'm just telling you what I'm reading.  Go back and look at how may "You... . !" are in there from you.  How else do you expect anybody to respond when you're getting a bombardment of "You... . !".  Sorry that it wasn't the reply or sympathy that you're seeking.

Totally cool... . I appreciate the feedback... . Here’s  some mor of the back story on me blowing up on her…In addition to being accused just then of checking out a 15 year old girl…(this was a Saturday night) she had accused me earlier in the week or “making up” that I had to take my father to the hospital on Sunday.  That one blew me away.  So instead of being with my dad Saturday night to get up and take him to the hospital, I spent the night with her to keep the “fires” out.  I had ENOUGH of her at that point.  So much a belly full.  She needed someone to bombard her with some "YOU".  I’d been hearing it for 14 months.  So I was going to get up from her palce on Sunday and go get him... . which was  incredibly out my way... . but I did it to keep her happy.  She KNEW I had to do this the next morning... . So instead of being compassionate... . or caring... . or giving anything that resmebled a damn about me... . my father... . or my family even... . , she chose to pick a fight with me over something ridiculous... . SO yeah... . I had enough... . I blew up... . and I was sorry for the hurtful things I said, but she needed to hear what I felt instead of me just letting her  bully me constantly.  There is only so much I am gonna let someone kick me in the stomach on the ground... .

It's all good and yes, I'm sure that there is a TON of backstory that could be given that would make a lot more sense of those text messages than just reading those in the context presented.  Trust me, I wanted to send mine all kinds of stuff like that but didn't.  Oh I wrote it all out but just filed it away on my computer - just in case.  No need to stir the hornets nest... . just quietly slipping away from port praying that I don't sink in the process... .

Buccaneers we be

We rise and fall together on perilous sea

Some things happen and some we choose

Lets make the best of the changing views

Ahoy!

[shellsh0cked]

One of my friends gave me some "lessons" on dealing with women... . what it sounded like was a lessons on how to deal with psychopaths... .

My ex said. "most women are like me... . you will find that out".  I don't think so M.  Most women I know are not abusive, insanely cruel, despicable, promiscuous, selfish, heartless, manipulative and hateful like you are... .

I have yet to meet any other female in my lifetime like that.  I bet y'all have though.