Sex with BPD ex--I am torturing myself---why was it this way?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have read that sex with someone with a PD can be absolutely amazing and wonderful.

I experienced the opposite with "B"---and I have been ruminating on this so much, wondering what was wrong---if it was my fault somehow.

If there are any lesbians on here, your insight is especially appreciated.

Sex with B felt very one-sided.  A lot of the times, I felt like more of a prop.  There wasn't a lot of foreplay---I can't really remember any, to be frank.  There was some kissing, but just at the beginning.

I once ventured to ask B if she could kiss my body more.  She complied, but the kisses were very "dry"  She didn't seem to take pleasure in pleasuring me that way.  She kissed me a little bit, then resumed going "straight for the act" so to speak.

I found sex with her to be incredibly painful.  My body was never relaxed.  I was confused and felt very lonely by how little it took to get her aroused.  It felt like all the little nuances were skipped over, and it was enough just to "go to town" so to speak.  I always wanted to caress and kiss her more, but she didn't seem interested. 

I never could reach orgasm with her because I was in too much pain, and I admit I was afraid to tell her she was hurting me.  It just was hard to have sudden, full intercourse without any preparation---my body just was never ready.  I began to wonder if something was really wrong with me.  I remembered in other relationships I could achieve orgasm every time---but why couldn't I with this person that I felt so madly in love with?

Most of my sexual experiences with B seem very "foggy"---I felt detached in a way, maybe trying to protect myself, I don't know.  I do know that she was easily aroused and usually had no problem reaching orgasm with just "the basics." 

The normal routine would seem to be for me to pleasure her and concentrate on her.  There was little to no talking during.  It felt very silent.  I can't blame her for my being silent, I know.  I just somehow felt scared to speak up.  I just fell into the role of pleasuring her, and didn't expect to be pleasured.  Once she was done, it was done.

I do remember a couple of times she seemed tender with me afterwards, but there were times when she seemed very clinically detached afterwards.  I felt in many instances I had just performed a service. 

I remember early on feeling very confused, because I thought that being a woman, she would know what it took to prepare a woman's body for sex. 

I recall after our first experience, I shyly asked her if I did ok.  She said I was "a natural."  Then I risked being vulnerable and told her she was my first experience with a woman.  She said cavalierly, "Yeah, it's different than with a guy, huh?"  It was hard to hear her talk so flatly about something that felt so profound to me.

There was one morning I stopped by to talk with her, and she initiated sex.  She just went straight into the act with me, and (sorry to be so graphic here) she was just jamming her fingers into me over and over and over as hard and fast as she could.  I was in so much pain.  I wonder if it is my lack of experience that made it feel so painful, and so cold and clinical?  She wasn't even looking at me.  It was like I wasn't even there.

I recall my body suddenly trembling and then all-out shuddering and shaking.  I don't know what was happening, but something in me was reacting, and I started crying.  It just felt so jarring, so impersonal.

Other times, the worst hurt came when she sent me home late at night or early in the morning--it made me feel like she got what she needed, and then she didn't want me around.

I remember being with other people, and the tenderness afterwards, the kisses, caresses... .I was more vocal during intimacy with others----I felt more relaxed.  I just wonder what was happening with B, why I felt this way, if it was somehow a problem I had.

I just couldn't shake the feeling of being more of a prop, rather than myself sharing a really close experience.

Has anyone else felt this way with someone with BPD?

[sea_of_wounds]

I have read that sex with someone with a PD can be absolutely amazing and wonderful.

I experienced the opposite with "B"---and I have been ruminating on this so much, wondering what was wrong---if it was my fault somehow.

If there are any lesbians on here, your insight is especially appreciated.

Sex with B felt very one-sided.  A lot of the times, I felt like more of a prop.  There wasn't a lot of foreplay---I can't really remember any, to be frank.  There was some kissing, but just at the beginning.

I once ventured to ask B if she could kiss my body more.  She complied, but the kisses were very "dry"  She didn't seem to take pleasure in pleasuring me that way.  She kissed me a little bit, then resumed going "straight for the act" so to speak.

I found sex with her to be incredibly painful.  My body was never relaxed.  I was confused and felt very lonely by how little it took to get her aroused.  It felt like all the little nuances were skipped over, and it was enough just to "go to town" so to speak.  I always wanted to caress and kiss her more, but she didn't seem interested. 

I never could reach orgasm with her because I was in too much pain, and I admit I was afraid to tell her she was hurting me.  It just was hard to have sudden, full intercourse without any preparation---my body just was never ready.  I began to wonder if something was really wrong with me.  I remembered in other relationships I could achieve orgasm every time---but why couldn't I with this person that I felt so madly in love with?

Most of my sexual experiences with B seem very "foggy"---I felt detached in a way, maybe trying to protect myself, I don't know.  I do know that she was easily aroused and usually had no problem reaching orgasm with just "the basics." 

The normal routine would seem to be for me to pleasure her and concentrate on her.  There was little to no talking during.  It felt very silent.  I can't blame her for my being silent, I know.  I just somehow felt scared to speak up.  I just fell into the role of pleasuring her, and didn't expect to be pleasured.  Once she was done, it was done.

I do remember a couple of times she seemed tender with me afterwards, but there were times when she seemed very clinically detached afterwards.  I felt in many instances I had just performed a service. 

I remember early on feeling very confused, because I thought that being a woman, she would know what it took to prepare a woman's body for sex. 

I recall after our first experience, I shyly asked her if I did ok.  She said I was "a natural."  Then I risked being vulnerable and told her she was my first experience with a woman.  She said cavalierly, "Yeah, it's different than with a guy, huh?"  It was hard to hear her talk so flatly about something that felt so profound to me.

There was one morning I stopped by to talk with her, and she initiated sex.  She just went straight into the act with me, and (sorry to be so graphic here) she was just jamming her fingers into me over and over and over as hard and fast as she could.  I was in so much pain.  I wonder if it is my lack of experience that made it feel so painful, and so cold and clinical?  She wasn't even looking at me.  It was like I wasn't even there.

I recall my body suddenly trembling and then all-out shuddering and shaking.  I don't know what was happening, but something in me was reacting, and I started crying.  It just felt so jarring, so impersonal.

Other times, the worst hurt came when she sent me home late at night or early in the morning--it made me feel like she got what she needed, and then she didn't want me around.

I remember being with other people, and the tenderness afterwards, the kisses, caresses... .I was more vocal during intimacy with others----I felt more relaxed.  I just wonder what was happening with B, why I felt this way, if it was somehow a problem I had.

I just couldn't shake the feeling of being more of a prop, rather than myself sharing a really close experience.

Has anyone else felt this way with someone with BPD?

[peiper]

Actually the first time mine split after we were living together, she says was becauce I quit having sex with her. Looking back now, YES I had no intrest in sex with her. I found it hard to make love to someone that at the drop of a hat would abuse me. I missed her took her back, forced myself to make love and show intrest, but in the back of my mind I was waiting for her to split me again.

[sea_of_wounds]

I think that is also part of it, Peiper--like you said---hard to feel intimate with someone that has abused you, or will drop you so easily.  Maybe that was deep down why I could never really relax---I was feeling so much emotional pain as well---just so hard to relax when feeling so hurt and invalidated.

[peiper]

Another thing I found weird was durning making love Id say something like having you in my arms feels great. All she ever did was repeat what I said. It was like talking into a recorder and playing it back. To me thats kinda strange

[peiper]

I wish us both luck my friend. This makes no sense how someone can do this, other than maybe we are a bit more healthy, or unbroken if you like.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Sea of Wounds - I'm sorry for your the hurt you went through.  I can relate ... .

My BPDexgf was very emotionally detached.  She wanted to have sex because she had a headache, she was bored, etc... .  as many times as we were intimate and we were a lot especially in the beginning, it was always and I mean always one-sided and never emotionally intimate.

She would mimick things I said but there was NEVER sweet & tender caresses or any verbal or physical expressions of love from her -- it was always f#cking.  She used to say "I want to ride you" ... .and she did, thats all she wanted was to get off.  What I realize now (and I did before but had a hard time accepting it) was that the passion and tenderness and emotion came from me not from her.  She physically abused me five times... .after the first I really couldn't be intimate anymore.  You deserve better.  We all do.  It's important to accept them for the hurtful people they are -- they know they are and they are mostly unwilling to change.  They would sooner hurt you, me or anyone than face their fears and try to get healthy.  While it's hard to stay away - it's critical to our healing and health as we will never get what we really want from them in a relationship.  Sorry for your hurt.  Take care.

[icecream]

Sea of wounds,

Thank you for sharing this intimate topic and good you write it off eventhou it is extremely personal.

I'm still learning every day about BPD's and as it comes down on sex i think we all can conclude "it has nothing to do with you" or with anyone else who is involved in the dance at that moment with her... .it is filling her needs and thats all it is and will ever be without her getting to work on her disorder. Same as it is your responsibility to adress your feelings or bounderies towards her or another partner.

The sex i've experienced with my ex uBPDgf was weird too and it took me quite a while to figure out weither i liked it or not. At those moments i thought i liked it, starting a romantic relationship with someone who i felt in love with first at an emotional level and after dating we basicly didnt leave the bed a whole weekend. It felt like making love because i was emotionally invested now compaired to previous partners which felt like sex but not making love right... .I never had complains about my actions under the sheets or kitchentable but when she started to get confused and her mask dropped thats when she started using sex as i didnt fill her needs, while when i analyzed the sex we had i realized i Always gave her the pleasure and seldom recieved it back... .in a healthy relationship it should be sort of an equal give and take thing right?

But this mental manipulation and using sex as a weapon which resulted in dropping my selfesteem... looking back ooh god, how awefull that is!

I tried a long time to talk, communicate to save the relationship and sex should be discussable with a partner and thats what intimicy is about in my point of view... but thats were it stopped for her. "No, we dont click on that level so thats it", here i was dumped... .

When my eyes found this website and other sources i realized how i was manipulated, how the sex-issue between us made me standing on the line for quite a while to hope i get another chance on day to proof i was good in bed, ... .and you know what: she wasnt good for me in bed, i deserve better, and so do you!

They are looking for a body, get them emotionally attached and when the heart and the bed is made: you're invested and thats when the mask dropped.

Making love and sex with a partner is a cherry on the cake not a pepper on the steak.

Take good care of yourself you are the only on who can decide what you want or not want!

[Tincup]

I can relate to all that you all have said.  Except my uBPDexgf used to say that I never learned what intimacy was... .everything was one sided from an emotional perspective, yet I didn't know what intimacy was.  In the beginning it was very good, it felt great to be wanted like that.  But with the fear of being dropped in a heartbeat for no reason it does make it hard to enjoy.  She had patterns in everything she did.  When any pattern changed (including sex) than I knew the other shoe was about to drop.  Not a way to enjoy life.

[enlighten me]

Reading this post has just made me realise something that has had me confused for many years.

In the beginning the sex was great but after a while it become boring and one sided. I always put it down to me not stimulating them enough or boring them. I now realise that after a while they just go through the motions because they feel its expected of them. Theyre detached and not really partaking.

When its them getting the gratification I felt as if I was just a prop. When it was my turn then they weren't there.

[Karmachameleon]

I'm glad to hear someone else mention this experience because I've read a lot on her about how fantastic sex was for other people.  I realize now that sex with my BPDex was only good a.) because I was in love with him and, b.) that was really the only way to feel connected to him so I really wanted it.  But the actual sex was terrible.  He could rarely maintain an erection, (which I read somewhere else on here might mean that he actually did care on some level).  Also, if he managed to perform he could rarely finish.  My experience is different because he always made sure I finished and kind of made me feel selfish like I was the one getting the benefit.  But I really wanted to satisfy him, I just didn't know how and now I realize it might not have been possible. But I can relate 100% to the no foreplay thing.  It was so odd to me how he would just go right for it.  He would sometimes apologize for not being "very romantic", but he never did anything to try to be.  That was true for everything in his life, now that I think about it.  He would rather apologize and stay the same.  But I digress.  That could become another topic.  But anyway, yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying.  And it makes me sad for both of us.

[charred]

Reading this post has just made me realise something that has had me confused for many years.

In the beginning the sex was great but after a while it become boring and one sided. I always put it down to me not stimulating them enough or boring them. I now realise that after a while they just go through the motions because they feel its expected of them. Theyre detached and not really partaking.

When its them getting the gratification I felt as if I was just a prop. When it was my turn then they weren't there.

At first it was the proverbial movie star sex... then okay, then she didn't care and it only seemed to be to manipulate me, and I could see her watching my reaction to everything... exactly like a con man would watch to see if you are buying the phony story.

It really bothered me, to the point I no longer could get excited around her (which triggered her a few times... and no one that loved someone would have said the cutting remarks she did.)

As I came to understand BPD and view her as as emotionally stunted and the bond as some kind of screwed up primary bond... I simply couldn't continue the r/s.

It was her validating unequivocally that she was truly disordered, lacked any empathy for anyone and ignoring all boundaries that helped me stay the course with NC and moving on.

[blindjoe]

Reading this post has just made me realise something that has had me confused for many years.

In the beginning the sex was great but after a while it become boring and one sided. I always put it down to me not stimulating them enough or boring them. I now realise that after a while they just go through the motions because they feel its expected of them. Theyre detached and not really partaking.

When its them getting the gratification I felt as if I was just a prop. When it was my turn then they weren't there.

Can relate. But there were also some extreme ups and downs with the sex throughout the relationship. For a week it'd be like it was in the beginning, only to be followed by 2 weeks of pulling teeth. Over and over. There were weird cycles to her behavior which I eventually came to expect. If things were going really well I knew soon she'd basically detach. And the opposite. Dunno if that makes sense.

[Changingman]

According to what I have read:

Intimacy scares them and triggers old wounds... .

Abandonment terrifies them... .

Sex soothes their emotions, gives them a sense of someone wanting them, they are not alone and it staves off their abandonment fears.

How would you attach to someone AND stay away from entrenched intimacy issues at the same time?

How would you have sex with someone AND stay away from the intimate bonding feelings that sex arouses.

Depersonalised sex, Acting, Objectification of yourself, dressing as something else, men or women, S&M... .these all seem to be coping measures for real love and attachment. I have played with all these at times creatively to remind myself and my partner of the difference.

Sam Vaknin:

Our sexual behavior expresses not only our psychosexual makeup but also the entirety of our personality. Sex is the one realm of conduct which involves the full gamut of emotions, cognitions, socialization, traits, heredity, and learned and acquired behaviors.

Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted.

The borderline uses her sexuality to reward or punish her mate, withholds sex or offers it in accordance with the ups and downs of her tumultuous and vicissitudinal relationships.

My ex was hypersexual, but there was not much intimacy, more detachment, more of an act, Pornstar style, very drunk, very drugged... always the lament...

'Am I the best girlfriend ever'

What! In the world?

Very detached commentary afterwards.

This was just about her, I introduced her to a lot of new stuff, she always said 'Oh! I have a new trick', like it was another weapon in her armoury. She was not creative in bed, a bit robotic. I had to really break through to her in sexual terms, I had to really reach to make her feel or get close. It became very brutal at times, never wanted a gentle, loving, soft, interaction. I had to stop her biting me at the beginning, I mean hurting me for pleasure, biting.

I had to do all the work, but she was a physically beautiful athletic woman, so what the hell I thought. It didn't go the way I'd hoped, the sex got darker like the rest of the world around her, she made everything weirdly dark. It's exhausting in everyway being around them. I wouldn't want another round with her, it's depressing and more being around them. Hey! lets be honest, they abuse you.

Sex is about:

vulnerability

honesty

trust

intimacy

empathy

respect

If you put a 'No' in front of that list, isn't this a list of how you make a child a Borderline.

[peiper]

According to what I have read:

Intimacy scares them and triggers old wounds... .

Abandonment terrifies them... .

Sex soothes their emotions, gives them a sense of someone wanting them, they are not alone and it staves off their abandonment fears.

How would you attach to someone AND stay away from entrenched intimacy issues at the same time?

How would you have sex with someone AND stay away from the intimate bonding feelings that sex arouses.

Depersonalised sex, Acting, Objectification of yourself, dressing as something else, men or women, S&M... .these all seem to be coping measures for real love and attachment. I have played with all these at times creatively to remind myself and my partner of the difference.

Sam Vaknin:

Our sexual behavior expresses not only our psychosexual makeup but also the entirety of our personality. Sex is the one realm of conduct which involves the full gamut of emotions, cognitions, socialization, traits, heredity, and learned and acquired behaviors.

Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted.

The borderline uses her sexuality to reward or punish her mate, withholds sex or offers it in accordance with the ups and downs of her tumultuous and vicissitudinal relationships.

My ex was hypersexual, but there was not much intimacy, more detachment, more of an act, Pornstar style, very drunk, very drugged... always the lament...

'Am I the best girlfriend ever'

What! In the world?

Very detached commentary afterwards.

This was just about her, I introduced her to a lot of new stuff, she always said 'Oh! I have a new trick', like it was another weapon in her armoury. She was not creative in bed, a bit robotic. I had to really break through to her in sexual terms, I had to really reach to make her feel or get close. It became very brutal at times, never wanted a gentle, loving, soft, interaction. I had to stop her biting me at the beginning, I mean hurting me for pleasure, biting.

I had to do all the work, but she was a physically beautiful athletic woman, so what the hell I thought. It didn't go the way I'd hoped, the sex got darker like the rest of the world around her, she made everything weirdly dark. It's exhausting in everyway being around them. I wouldn't want another round with her, it's depressing and more being around them. Hey! lets be honest, they abuse you.

Sex is about:

vulnerability

honesty

trust

intimacy

empathy

respect

If you put a 'No' in front of that list, isn't this a list of how you make a child a Borderline.

I can so relate to this post. A month ago we were getting over an argument. Laying in bed I attempted to get frisky with her and do a little making up. She shut me down hard, saying she just cant forget that easy about our fight. So I went to sleep. But the next morning she was all over me for sex.