Missing my ex and not sure why.

[CryWolf]

Hey all. Me and my ex with BPD broke up in december. I thought I moved on but this past week, all the emotions and memories and feelings have been hitting me like a train.

I think it’s because school is starting Monday. She may be in my class. High possibilities I’ll see her on campus or her new guy or her friends and I’m scared I’ll get all the obsessive thoughts I hD during our breakup again.

I am getting hit with all our jokes, memories, dates, everything and I can’t stop thinking about her. We were together for most of our college years and now we start again and everytime I go on campus I think of her.

I hope once a week goes by, I can stop associating school with her. I’m also starting to think of only good memories and no bad ones. I try so hard to remind myself of the bad ones and how unhappy I was. I even blame myself for being neglectful and the problems in our relationship and what I could have done differently.

I also think these feelings became intensified as things with the last girl didn’t work that I dated. I think Im back to grieving a little bit. Although enough time has passed. I need to keep myself busy.

Thanks for hearing me vent.

I’m scared of seeing my ex on campus and not being able to control my emotions.

[Cromwell]

Hi CryWolf

Theres not one part of what you say that comes across as a surprise to me - at the moment it hasnt yet happened - you havent started college, so how much of this is dealing with fear and not letting it exaggerate itself. Sometimes the imagery of having to go through something in the future and the worry about how it will work out, can wreck far more damage to the nerves than going through it.

Do you think she will cause you any problems - or is this more to do with how you feel about her?

In my case I wouldnt even go to college if she was there - but thats more related to her potential to be a troublemaker than it would be dealing with my emotions of how I feel, how I felt and simply being triggered by her day to day close proximity.

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,  

Don't be too hard on yourself. It happens. I am not sure how your relationship ended, but when relationships aren't entirely resolved they can linger for us. If we don't get closure, in one way or another, I mean.

I heard a saying once, "Everything happens, exactly as it does." So, whatever happened between you two happened, exactly as it did. It just is. You did the best you could do at the time and that is okay. That is enough. You are enough.

The dates you mentioned, although things didn't develop as you might have liked, sounded like a lot of fun. Women should be lining up to date a fun, smart guy like you! Keep going out and they will find you!

Sometimes I dated someone and it was one kiss and then 8 years went by! Other times I couldn't get through a meal with a person and preferred to never see them again, thanks anyway. If you keep out there, and keep your spirits up, by loving and believing in yourself your time will come.  

About obsessive thoughts... .Hmmm. December isn't that long ago really, and with the school year starting up it makes sense you'd be thinking of her. And since there is a big question mark hanging over your head, she might be in your class, that is gonna jump around in your brain too. It is all to be expected. Those are just thoughts.

Yes, once a week or two goes by and you see it is a new school year with new challenges, life will inevitably change. It is not last year, and there is no going back to last year. I had a friend once who said about relationships "I never go backwards, I only go forwards." I thought that was a handy reminder of how to live life. Go forward, and keep going forward.

You may see her. She is not the same as before. She may have met someone new. That is okay, we all deserve love. Nothing can take away from the fact that you are a good guy, a fun and friendly guy, a guy who is ready to date and has a lot to offer - he just needs to meet the right person, for him, for this time in his life, going forward.

Yes, keep busy. This is the time to work out I say! And laugh with your friends! And do all the cool things you get to do while in college that you may not get to do once you are likely settled down some day!

You might not be able to control your emotions, no one can all the time or we wouldn't be human. You might feel sad. You might feel anxious. But you will be okay!

What kinds of things do you do to build self-confidence? Maybe if you hang out with older folks in some kind of social group you will be able to feel more at peace with life, that this is what it is. It has its ups and downs. Its disappointments and joys. Some of it is out of your hands, but you can control your attitude towards it. You can be happy right now. No waiting. There is so much possibility and always a bit of hope!

take care fella, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Thank you all for the kind words. Yes school is playing a huge part. I don’t even know if she’s with someone or not. I only saw a pic of her on some guys Instagram and assumed since then.

I hope she is happy and healthy. She was talking a lot about suicide her blog a few months ago and I never looked anymore. I stopped checking on her for a few months now. And hope to keep it that way. She still has our picture on Facebook up. Not sure why. If she hates me so much, I don’t know why it’s up.

I was cleaning my room just now. And found some notes she left that I never seen before. Or I don’t remember.

On a post it “please try to have a good day. Remember to be patient with yourself. I hope you know that I believe in you and will always be there for you”

And on another she says “you are an amazing person, you are handsome, you are lovable, you are the best anyone can hope for. Remember to take care of yourself”

I want to text her so bad. I want to just say hello. I want to send her a pic of the note I just found. But I can’t. It’ll just make her more mad or look at me like pathetic. Give her more power. Or I’ll just be ignored. I’ll look desperate and a stalker.

Im not sure what im trying gain to be honest. I’ve been distant lately from my emotions and feelings. Whenever anything involves feelings I try to run and distract myself. I mis my ex and the good times. I miss holding her. I wish I could hold her one last time and have a proper conversation or goodbye. I took her for granted and She took me for granted.

I think another reason is, my friend is dating someone who has bipolar. And he tells me all about their problems and struggles. And the situation is soo similar. Same push pull, same arguments. Same things his gf tells him, I’ve heard from my ex. I told him about this site and tools to implement, but him venting remind someone me of all the situations I was with my ex and I tell him not rob jade and not invalidate. He tells me how he feels and how he tries so hard and it’s exactly how I felt in my rs and I self project a bit.

[crushedagain]

I can offer this:

My relationship ended some 3 months before yours (she left under the guise of vacation, but never came back), and I am still not over it. In fact, I am feeling like I have regressed the past several weeks and I am not sure why. I have felt this overwhelming sense of longing for her. It is quite painful which is odd since it's coming up on a year.

I have a problem with remembering all of the good stuff, too, but I wonder how much of that is human nature. I think we tend to remember the good more than the bad.

I just thought I would chime in because I am "ahead" of you time wise, but still hurting. I don't know how long it takes. If I had to go somewhere I knew she would be, I'd have a bit of apprehension, too. I certainly wouldn't want to be in close proximity to her.

[mousemat]

I hope she is happy and healthy.

I think that says a lot about you as a person.  You are a good man and you want the best for her, although you can't be the one to help her, nor can she help you.  I'm sure you know that, as hard as it is.
 
In the future - perhaps soon - another girl will find out that you have a good heart.  The lessons you have learned about yourself & how you could have done various things differently, will serve you well in that future relationship.
 
Contacting her to sooth your pain will only push the pain further into the future.  Stay strong, you are doing the right thing.

And by the way, real men let themselves cry when the pain is great.  Or at least the smart ones do.

[BeagleGirl]

Cry wolf,
I think you might need to hear what my T said to me yesterday. I was asking her how to manage my emotions and she responded with “You don’t manage your emotions.  You feel them fully and manage your responses to them.”  She also pointed out that I seem to be trying to move on from my “bad” emotions too quickly.

I am still processing what she said. I made some space last night to feel. I think I tend to shift from heart to head pretty quickly when those “bad” emotions surface and I wanted to dive a bit deeper.  It’s hard to feel those feelings and not shift back to “so what do I do about these feelings?”  It’s harder to really dig into why I’m feeling what I feel because that usually uncovers another level of pain that I now need to feel.  I’m taking it in spurts and already have found an underlying feeling that reinforces that I shouldn’t be acting on the urge to resolve the surface feelings.

To get away from generalities, I’ve established this week that Neighbor B, a guy I’ve started hanging out with and am interested in dating, wants to keep things at a friendship level for now because he had decided to take a break from dating and he has some legitimate doubts about my readiness to date. I started feeling the “bad” feelings of frustration and anger and confusion. I wanted to act on those feelings by sharing them with Neighor B. As much as I could say that those feelings aren’t his to resolve, I was hoping for his help in resolving them. Instead, I spent some time feeling those feelings and pushing through them, not in the direction of getting over them, but in the direction of finding their source.

What I found is that I’m afraid of facing another abandonment and loss. I’m frustrated and angered by the decision to step back/slow down because I’m afraid that if I’m not a romantic interest he’ll lose interest and leave. I don’t want to face yet another loss.  Which brings me to the realization that I haven’t done the work of really facing a lot of the losses I’ve been experiencing. Oh, I’ve cried and talked with my friends about them, but I haven’t really faced them.

So that’s what I’m doing now.  Is it possible that you could benefit from doing the same?  You may find that the loss of your ex is not the only one you need to face.  There’s this most recent relationship that didn’t progress as you hoped, and there are probably other losses in your past that might need attention.

Saying “enough time has passed” and telling yourself to move on and not wallow in the grief probably won’t help. It’s okay to be “stuck”. I think of it like wound care. Yes, there is a “normal” healing time.  But that assumes you care for the wound properly.  If you ignore it during the healing process it can get infected and take longer to heal or even spread and start impacting other parts of your body. And you are more susceptible to injury in that area during the healing process. So saying “it’s been x weeks, I need to treat this area as if it’s healed” is not the best approach.

So what do you think.  Do you have some work to do in this area, or am I just projecting? 

BG

[CryWolf]

Came home and read all the letters she wrote me one final time. How much she cared and helped me against my own insecurities. I was insecure. She was too. We both were so young and immature. All the letters were written when we would break up (her doing) and then she wrote long goodbye letters. How we both need to love ourselves, etc. how she is a perfectionist and I was perfect. How she couldn’t hope for anyone or anything else and she’s so happy to have me.

We both didn’t know how to communicate. Both invalidating another. I hurt her. She hurt me. I miss her. I love her. She’s gone.

Tears fell. I tore all the letters. All gone. Every belonging is gone from my room now for sure I think. I keep telling myself not to text her. She hates me. I forced her her to stay in a relationship she wanted to leave so bad.

I wonder if I’m the one with a personality disorder sometimes. I wonder if there is something wrong with me and I hurt her and it’s undiagnosed. Idk. Looking back, I became so toxic to someone I only wanted to love and make laugh.

She left though and she decided to end  things. I Became a doormat. She lost all attraction and respect. I lost all respect for myself.

Reading the letters we weren’t so innocent and in love. Idk what happened. She became so depressed. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Nothing was helping. We just went downhill after each breakup. I guarded myself and distanced myself from someone I would want to spent my life  with.

I wonder if she misses me.

I have a lot of work to do myself. I have to practice self care and love. I need to focus on my goals and emotions and prioritize me.

I miss her.

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,

It was very brave and strong of you to rip up the letters in my opinion. I hope it brings you some release from your pain.

Please don't beat yourself up so hard over it. Good communication is not easy, but the good news is that it can be learned and you are lucky in that you are young and can get to work early on this lifelong process. The work you do now will pay off in the years to come big time I am betting!

I can definitely say that the relationships that I thought I wanted and seemed so great in my 20's would not appeal to me today. It took 30 years of dating/relationships to figure out what I wanted though I thought I knew back then. We can change and grow a lot over our life spans, and we are exceptionally lucky if we can find a partner who we can sustain all that change and growth with.

Look for what you want. Get what you want out of life. Do you want to casually date? Want to zero in on finding a serious life partner? The good thing about dating sites is they can narrow that down and match you up with someone wanting the same thing as you right now, less guessing involved.

Does school start next week? Are you ready?

What are you doing this week for self-care?

with compassion, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Look for what you want. Get what you want out of life. Do you want to casually date? Want to zero in on finding a serious life partner?

Does school start next week? Are you ready?

What are you doing this week for self-care?

with compassion, pearl.

Thank you for always being there Pearl. and your kind words always put a smile on my face.  

I would like to find something serious, ive never really was a casual dater. But i could try it and be in that phase.

School starts tomorrow! I was so nervous and anxious my ex would be in my class. BUT she is not. I just checked my class list. I am surprised she is not in my class, so it has me curious but whatever I guess. I will see her on campus, and just turn my head or smile and walk by.

This past week, I hung out with my friend and his girlfriend a lot. tried to keep myself busy doing chores or picking up shifts at work. And talked to some old friends over text. Nothing much. 

[pearlsw]

Thank you for always being there Pearl. and your kind words always put a smile on my face.  

I would like to find something serious, ive never really was a casual dater. But i could try it and be in that phase.

School starts tomorrow! I was so nervous and anxious my ex would be in my class. BUT she is not. I just checked my class list. I am surprised she is not in my class, so it has me curious but whatever I guess. I will see her on campus, and just turn my head or smile and walk by.

This past week, I hung out with my friend and his girlfriend a lot. tried to keep myself busy doing chores or picking up shifts at work. And talked to some old friends over text. Nothing much. 

Hey CryWolf,

It's the start of the semester and excitement is high! I went to a smaller college and a bigger college and I tell ya, there was never a shortage of parties and invites to do stuff. Not sure how big your school is, but dive in and find people who are doing fun stuff!

Do you online date or only like to meet folks in person? If you online date you can zero right in on people looking for serious dating as well. I was a serious dater type, but I occasionally went out with people for just a few dates. I had to be careful and get out before physical stuff started up if I didn't want it to go that route!

Do you dance? Like dancing? Want to learn? I used to have fun just going dancing sometimes. You can have some fun, twirl around, be kinda athletic, gain a skill some of your dating partners might like you to have! It can be a nice way to meet others I think.

Glad to hear she won't be in your class! That should ease the anxiety for a bit, eh?

take care and have fun!

~pearl.

[CryWolf]

My campus is pretty small. You see the same people all the time.

I don’t online date, I meet them in person and then go from there.

I like dancing! I used to be a choreographer back in high school but didn’t really have passion for it.


So Day 1: at school today. No signs of my ex. I hung out with some friends who I met over summer. The same friends who took me to a partty where I met the last girl I dated. They don’t have ties with with her. Well, one of them dated her best friend years ago. But yea.

I was being a little petty today and walked around campus trying to have my ex see me, and see how happy I look. I wasn’t looking for her but I was hoping I’d bump into her but also not bump into her. Idk.

I was leaving campus. And I see the guy she supposedly is talking to, the one who posted her on his social media. He didn’t want to wait for me to leave my parking and drove off. Then I got a little annoyed and drove fast past him and he was on his phone probably telling my ex he saw me. Idk. I’m probably assuming things. But I hate this dude. And I hate her. And I’m annoyed I see them on campus. I was having a great day and I want to practice not letting this get to me. Idk why I’m letting the fact I saw him on campus get to me.

I’m doing a million times better after the breakup  but yet it’s me asking myself why my ex downgraded to him and he probably thinks he’s better than me, etc.

These thoughts just started 15 minutes ago.

Thoughts? How do I let go and not care?

[CryWolf]

My ex's friend is in my class. We had introductions of ourselves, and her name sounded familiar (my ex mentiond her in her blog before) and Ive seen her walking with her and her friends last semester. Im sure she knows of me, because she was giving me stares here and there when i introduced myself and I saw her text someone.

She probably thinks im abusive, etc from whatever my ex told her.

me and this girl have mutual friends in this class, so im sure we will speak eventually. But im gonna be nice and courteous and not mention my ex.

this is annoying

[CryWolf]

so I walked with her and another classmate after class. We just talked about the class and the other classes we are taking, i.e. school stuff. I introduced myself and got her number  to talk about future projects.

[Mutt]

She probably thinks im abusive, etc from whatever my ex told her.

There are two sides to a story, the way that I see it if someone can see that and have the decency to ask me my side then that's a plus that's the type of person that I want in my life. I don't want the type of person that will not give me the benefit of the doubt or not give me a chance.

I introduced myself and got her number  to talk about future projects.

She can't be thinking about you that badly if she gave you her number  

[CryWolf]

Very true Mutt. This semester should be interesting.

I’m in a dilemma right now.

I stayed an hour extra yesterday after class and today. I told myself it’s because I wanted to hang with classmates but in reality it was to bump into my ex. At first I was telling myself it’s because I know I’ll bump into her based off signs and I just want to get it over with. But deep down I want to see her. I walk around campus from building to building. Looking from hall to hall or glancing at people who look similar. I’m not sure why I’m doing this as I know I won’t even say hi or approach her.

I wanted my ex to see how good I look and improved and regret her decision. Or even start missing me. I know this is a terrible approach. I know this won’t get ne anywhere. And honestly I don’t know why I’m looking for validation or seeking any attention from my ex. I was over her for some time. And once school started, memories and feelings came back. I’m still hurt by the breakup. People are telling me she’s not even thinking about me and she’s probably with this new guy. And I have to move on.

I know it takes time, and I’m upset that I’m letting her affect me again.

In another class, I have a classmate whose in the club with my ex. The same club I resigned from, and she was telling me how her and my ex took my previous role as president and my ex is vp now.

I don’t know why I’m feeling like this and it makes me frustrated. I want to know my ex misses me and this is something that I’ll never know but I can’t accept it.

[Mutt]

People are telling me she’s not even thinking about me and she’s probably with this new guy. And I have to move on.

If I heard something like this I would find it pretty invalidating but I think that their heart is in the right place they probably don't know what to say. Every one heals their own way, you can't just get over it, the recipe for recovering after a break-up is not that simple. Plus you sound like you are an introspective person, you need that time to sort through this experience and make sense of it internally.

I think that it's normal to want to have validation from an ex, I don't hear you beating yourself up so that's good, do you think it could be possible that you want to show her that you are worthy enough for her? Does seeking her out have something to do with self worth? It's just a thought, keep doing what you're doing, if you look good, trust me she'll hear it from peers or she'll see it for herself, let your work speak for you.

It sounds to me CryWolf like you need more time behind you.

[CryWolf]

do you think it could be possible that you want to show her that you are worthy enough for her? Does seeking her out have something to do with self worth? It's just a thought, keep doing what you're doing, if you look good, trust me she'll hear it from peers or she'll see it for herself, let your work speak for you.

It sounds to me CryWolf like you need more time behind you.

Good observation! I think this is true as well. I seeked a lot of validation in our rs with her. It started off with comparing me to her ex, and then i had this mindset where I have to show her im not like him, then came the "im not a cheater" proving, then came the "im good enough" when she would tell me how i have nothing going for me, im stagnant, etc etc. of course she would tell me good things in the rs and shes proud etc, but only the bad sticks out.

sometimes she would say "has it ever crossed your mind, that for 3 years we didnt make it official or i didnt tell you i love you is because youre not good enough for me?"

she used to tell me all these things and assumptions of me, saying how "she knows me better than i know myself" and me saying thats wrong and having to prove shes wrong and im not the person she paints black.

I dont even want a relationship with her again, but Im seeking validation or approval. I dont know why I still care.  It sounds unhealthy.
I miss her, and the good memories and times. But im blaming myself that if she hasnt came back then something must have been wrong with me. I know if I was dating someone new, I wouldn't be doing this.

Ive been so much more outgoing, and made friends with a lot of classmates the past two days. and i have more people coming towards me in little encounters all over campus. whether its in the bathroom, hallways, classes. Im attracted a ton of people that I wasnt before. I feel amazing and positive, but then the thoughts of the ex comes and the anxieties of "when will i bump into her or see her" because last semester i would always bump into her or her classmates.

[CryWolf]

I have this urge to unblock my classmate from last semester, the guy who posted a pic of her, and see if there is more pics of her or not. if they are together or not. I also want to check her blog. its been months since Ive done this.

I am looking for something to connect, I dont know why she is dominating my thoughts all of a sudden. I want to stop feeling this way.

[Mutt]

Hi Crywolf,

Id suggest to not unblock because of how you’re feeling right now in the moment. If you really want to unblock your classmate give come back to this tomorrow and see if you feel the same way.

Try to switch the tempo on your thoughts with positive coping statements like This will pass, These are just feelings, they will go away, I’m stronger than I think

Find something that boosts your mood like hang out with friends and family go to the gym what do you for self care? I like to lift weights when I’m feeling anxious i find that working out makes me feel a lot better plus it makes me look good 

[mousemat]

Try to switch the tempo on your thoughts with positive coping statements like This will pass, These are just feelings, they will go away, I’m stronger than I think

Wonderfully put.  Perhaps someone should sell spectacles & sunglasses with those words written on the inside, so we're all reminded of them constantly... .

[CryWolf]

Hi Crywolf,

Id suggest to not unblock because of how you’re feeling right now in the moment. If you really want to unblock your classmate give come back to this tomorrow and see if you feel the same way.

Try to switch the tempo on your thoughts with positive coping statements like This will pass, These are just feelings, they will go away, I’m stronger than I think

Find something that boosts your mood like hang out with friends and family go to the gym what do you for self care? I like to lift weights when I’m feeling anxious i find that working out makes me feel a lot better plus it makes me look good  

I guess im looking for closure to see if they are dating or not. All i know is he posted a picture of her on instagram back in june. i blocked him since. i assume so because she never let me post pics of her on social media because she was too insecure. so, idk.

another thing, my friend today told me how my ex was in her class last semester and she was very funny. this made me feel bittersweet, one happy shes happy, two sad she seems happier without me. She was so quiet and insecure before we met. i did my best to boost her confidence and self esteem. now im the one suffering.

whenever feelings or thoughts of my ex come, I go on youtube and watch "get your ex back" videos. i stopped for a long time. and now back to it. not sure if this is healthy or not.

I feel stuck.
everyone tells me I deserve better, i can do better. How she doesnt deserve me and i did nothing wrong. Yet i wonder, if i did nothing wrong. If i was nothing but understanding, patient, loving to her. then how can she just leave me? i keep replaying this. and I assume shes in a new relationship thats amazing and healthy and im the one who keeps dating girls who end up leaving and nothing comes out of it.

i check her facebook occasionally because its private and doesnt show updates, but she still has the profile pic i took of her on our date. and she still has a pic of us on her facebook. im not sure if she forgot about it, if its some form of leverage, if im overthinking it and making something out of nothing.

I was scared these emotions would come back when school started.

[Mutt]

Hey CryWolf,

Hey CryWolf,

It's the start of the semester and excitement is high! I went to a smaller college and a bigger college and I tell ya, there was never a shortage of parties and invites to do stuff. Not sure how big your school is, but dive in and find people who are doing fun stuff!

Do you online date or only like to meet folks in person? If you online date you can zero right in on people looking for serious dating as well. I was a serious dater type, but I occasionally went out with people for just a few dates. I had to be careful and get out before physical stuff started up if I didn't want it to go that route!

Do you dance? Like dancing? Want to learn? I used to have fun just going dancing sometimes. You can have some fun, twirl around, be kinda athletic, gain a skill some of your dating partners might like you to have! It can be a nice way to meet others I think.

I agree with pearlsw School is the perfect place to have fun. What do those videos on YouTube tell you to do to get your ex back? They tell you to move on, get out and meet new people, dont chase your ex or give her attention, get into activities and hobbies if you’re trying to contact her or look like you want her back she’ll sense that and it will push her away. People naturally don’t want something that there is an abundance of if there is scarcity then they want that thing!

I’ve been with my current gf for a year and when the honeymoon phase was over we wanted different things, she was going through her own difficult things and I kept pressing for commitment, to make a long story short we broke up and I wanted her back instead of chasing her I started dating and she noticed that I was no longer interested in her and that was when she started chasing me. What I wanted was a r/s I liked what we had and if she didn’t want to give it to me then someone else will.

I went out and dated, had fun meeting new women, doing activities and keeping busy between that, the gym and my kids. I’m not suggesting to you to get back with her what I am suggesting is have some fun, make new friends go to the parties if you’re invited, try to meet new people.

[Cromwell]

I feel stuck.
everyone tells me I deserve better, i can do better. How she doesnt deserve me and i did nothing wrong. Yet i wonder, if i did nothing wrong. If i was nothing but understanding, patient, loving to her.then how can she just leave me? i keep replaying this. and I assume shes in a new relationship thats amazing and healthy a[b]nd im the one who keeps dating girls who end up leaving and nothing comes out of it. [/b]

She might not have been used to having someone treat her well. Often these PDs come from neglectful abusive backgrounds, kindness - love - alien concepts. Start to introduce them at a later age, I can understand why they may feel suffocating.

I disagree that you deserve better or should take on board that sort of advice. Decide what sort of girl you want - my assumption is you want one who will reciprocate or at least appreciate your good qualities. Then just get this fantasy out your mind that has burst, and start working towards a goal of dating girls to you find what you want.

replaying this old hurtful story and trying to find out where you went wrong is holding you back, you werent a good enough match for each other, keep dating new girls, consign her to history, the more experience you get dating the better it goes, use the experience you got from her to filter out future problems before they develop.

if it gets too much thinking about, go for a walk for an hour, i used to have to study some pretty emotionally heavy stuff, id go out on the bike and come back to it. What youve been through is an issue to solve, not a catastrophe - these assumptions your making are turning things in your mind to make it worse than it has been, jumping from what happened up to fantasizing future failures.

[Drs204]

She might not have been used to having someone treat her well. Often these PDs come from neglectful abusive backgrounds, kindness - love - alien concepts.

I think that about my X. I always treated her with respect and kindness. She would call me a "suck". She took it as weakness.

[mousemat]

Start to introduce them at a later age, I can understand why they may feel suffocating.

It's obvious now that you say it, but so easy to forget in the "fog of BPD".  (I'm starting to feel I should take Mr Cromwell's best lines and make them into flash-cards to carry around at all times.)