:'(Hi, not sure where to start... .we met in the gym, me minding my own business on a bike and him approaching me to ask a question. What the question was, I have no clue, as I had never in my 49 years laid eyes on someone so breathtakingly handsome. Our first conversations were sweet as cream. It really was, love at first sight. Things moved fast, we were both single and highly attracted to one another. I held off on "the deed" as he meant that much to me... .it was so wonderful I did not want to ruin anything. I put much thought into every move cuz I was pretty sure he was the prince I waited forever for. Tall, dark, handsome, funny, highly intelligent, creative, interesting, employed, a seemingly wonderful father of 5, ex professional baseball player- and interested in lil ol me, a physical education teacher of many years, with 3 awesome kids. Red flags, holy shoot! They were mostly of him accusing me of checking out men, and I dont do that when im single, let alone in a relationship. Sometimes he would say, did you know him? I would say, uuuhhh, who? So not only did i not check a guy out, I NEVER SAW THE GUY AT ALL! and that scared me. This happened 6 times that i can remember, and an all nighter of the cold shoulder followed, even if we were with his family at a gathering, and he is the only person i knew well. that accusing stuff threw me for a loop so i walked staring at the ground. now, mind you, he could talk to anyone, and his talk can have a flirt effect, right in front of me! he would say, oh i didnt know i was flirting, im not that good at talking with girls and naive about how they will react to me. if the girl didnt faint from his looks and build, she would flirt back... .if i did that? cant even imagine. anyway, we dated 4 years. he really wanted to marry, now i think it was to let his nice guy guard down. i was worried bout the red flags. there were more- waking me up in the middle of the night yelling at me cuz he found a shampoo in the shower from ross, and i never told him i went to ross. he is diagnosed (incorrectly, i say, but i teach gym
, with bi polar. wrongggg. ok, so we get married at caesars palace in vegas. gorgeous and soo soo happy. well soon i started caatching him in lies. and another negative was the gym was daily, then a work out at home too, and that was 7 days a week, coming before EVERYTHING. the anxiety of not working out twice could easily put him in the hospital. which, i might add, he was in often during our 4 years of marriage. rehab about 5 times (he is a drug addict and hid valium from me) and only admitted it if he landed in jail or totaled the family car. wow , what a catch. he was in the regular hospital many times cuz he thought he was always dying of something. once, he told the er staff he was in a car crash so could they do every test on him! he thought that was so clever and im like, who does that? he did it with ease! this was hard for me, all the lying, because i was raised with strict values, and i try to lie and cant. i practice alone, and cant. ugh. thats another letter. so lately i found out he placed a false claim that our garage was robbed of his expensive sports equipment to the tune of 3500.00. the insurance comp called me and of course i knew nothing about it. he came home from work and i said, hey... .why didnt u tell me we were robbed? he says, they should not have contacted u cuz i gave them a false number for u... ok , NOW i feel better! so i say give e your keys , im looking for your stolen items, in your trunk... .you got it . i heard give me those f ing keys thats my car. also found out he had been on valium for a year, found many under the spare tire in his car. i asked him daily for that year, what is wrong? youre so tired and out of it. he would answer he was sick, so i catered to him as he drooled on the couch. ok, by this point i said take the ring off, u have no respect for our marriage. go find a place where u can self reflect, go to therapy, read, do research, attend aa meetings, etc. cuz this is no way to live and i dont want to go to jail because of your risky behavior and poor decisions! he moves out, texting me the whole time about how horrible i am for doing that, throwing him out like a leper. he called me evil, a monster, non human, an animal, dark, vicious, and worse than his grandpa who raped him as a child. well i forgive him for all his crap, and my crap i dish out to him is taken as the worst of the worst of the worst (things like, that hurt my feelings and was unnecessary) blah blah blah. i told him often i miss him terribly, i was proud of his accomplishments, he was beautiful inside and out, he had the strength to pull through this. he never believed i loved him like i did. never believed i was attracted to him (not sure how he could look in the mirror and not see gorgeousness, but i know that is a part of this mental blindness). there could never be a point of him being satisfied with my love attention affection it was never enough. that drove me crazy.and he needed it verbally , continually, whereas i say see my actions as well. well , last week i said lets meet at claimjumper for toast (private joke) and we can talk about how far u have come since being on your own for the last 4 months. he said, ill text u after i get guidance. im like, guidance? listen , if u need guidance or permission, maybe i will just leave the last box out front. he gets upset and says i dont need permission! well that must of triggered somethin', cuz the next text read... .this is so hard for me to type... but his next text said i have a girfriend and i love her very much. i typed back -what. i felt the life leave me , from my head down to my feet, as if i would faint, and then it went back from my feet to my head. my daughter came over but there was no consoling me. and hasnt been for a week. ive cried 24 7 and i teach as im wimpering! my daughter blocked his texts and mine to him as well, so i wouldnt stare at it in pure pain and anxiety. i cannot for the life of me figure out why i would miss him this much, i keep looking out the window thinking he is going to ride up on a horse and take me away like officer and a gentleman. i must be as sick as him if not worse! what is there to miss? lies, cheating, disrespect? and of course he turned the whole thing around and said i kicked him to the curb, what did i expect. he figured we were divorced when we took rings off... . the double standards are threw the roof. so , i need someone by me at all times, i cant eat, talk to no one, my friends and family think im insane for not celebrating that he is outta my life. i wake in the morning and first thing that comes to my mind is, that text from him that tore my heart out. he was supposed to be getting therapy during our separation, not a replacement for me. i have 3 kids, he has 5, and they all support me cuz theyve seen it first hand. i guess what i need at this point other than a 6 pack, is an anchor or 2 to hold onto. i am smart... i know i deserve better, i know he is mentally ill, i know i cant fix him, i know its a life of eggshells, i know it wont get better, maybe worse, i know time heals and there are men out there that can hold a conversation without including a lie or 2. but those anchors arent helping. sorry so long, and this is only chapter 1. i appreciate any comments/concerns/ advice. love, lromeo also, i will not be proofreading - sorry
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