15 Year Old Son has BPD and We're Struggling

[handytrans]

Hello,
My ex-wife and I adopted our son at birth and up until the age of 12, things seemed fine. He's always been a very smart and empathetic boy and we rarely had to discipline him. He responded really well to reasoning to get him to do things he was supposed to do: keep his room clean, bed time, brushing teeth, keeping grades up, etc. When he hit 13 it seemed all hell broke loose. He got in trouble for selling THC gummies at school and so we ended up putting him in a private one on one school.

We had him assessed and the results came out as having BPD, anxiety, depression with possible earmarks of paranoid schizophrenia ( I know they don't diagnose that at his age, but psychiatrist said he tested high on those questions).

At first he was interested in getting diagnosed and doing treatment, but now he's very reluctant. He refuses to do any group or DBT. He was on Lamictal, but it made him super tired so discontinued.

The last year he has really started to decline. The couple friends he had, he doesn't seem to be in contact with any more. He has severe anxiety about leaving the house. We've had to take a break from school. He rarely leaves his room and has emotional outbursts about almost anything. He throws things and has pushed me a couple of times. He isn't a danger to himself, or animals, he's only been physical with me. After his outbursts, he's pretty contrite and will clean up his mess if he makes one.

Some additional background: My ex and I separated about two years ago and I live in another state but visit about 10 days a month. I stay in the house. Divorce was amicable. I transitioned from female to male shortly before the divorce.

We are struggling with how to deal with his outbursts, setting boundaries trying to get him to want to go to therapy and are looking for guidance and advice from parents who have been there. Thank you so much for reading and I look forward to your responses.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome Handy!
 It appears you are a target of blame for your bpd child.  Here are a couple of articles that may be food for thought:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/201803/are-you-target-blame-borderline-personality

 and  from this forum on disciplining
 bpd teen:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230259.0
and from this forum on adolescent bpd
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/borderline-personality-disorder-adolescents

In my experience,  I went through divorce also when my adult child was younger .  When his hormones started in ( around 13) he started becoming aggressive towards me as well.  He had many diagnoses , meds, etc.  Long story short, I am concerned about your child pushing you, as my son started with that as well. It then progressed.     While it is great he is not at harm to himself or animals, he is to you.  Please don't let your guilt allow him to take out his anger on you.  I am not sure where you live, but is there any possibility to talk to a mental crisis team ?  We have one in our county here in the US.  They can send a team out to talk to your child and you ( if your child is amenable to that).  I am thinking since he isolates himself, this may be less threatening.   Are you in therapy as well, I have found it helped me to have one in order to help me with establishing and enforcing boundaries?  Please write back to us as you have need- we are here to support you.

[handytrans]

Thank you so much for the information. My son refuses therapy, but his mom and I were seeing a therapist. We changed insurance and lost access to her, but are looking to find someone and start up again. I appreciate your response and will take a look at the other forum.

[Mom2Two86]

Hi there! My child is 17 and diagnosed BPD. One thing that really helped and I would recommend is registering for the BPD Course for parents through Nami. This is a very unique course and it is free. You will need to hop on the short waiting list but it is worth it. I also recommend finding your weekly Nami zoom meeting. Each County has them and you can easily find out what day and time the zoom is. The people can really help with advice and relate to you. One thing I read that really stuck with me was from an adult diagnosed with BPD. He said even though his parents thought he hated them, (all the horrible things he said to them) he knew that they loved him and knew that they cared about him because they never gave up and were always present to support him. He ended up becoming a BPD advocate/Psych. I wish you the best luck !

[handytrans]

Thanks for sharing this. Our neighbor mentioned Nami so we are looking into doing that. Just read Walking on Eggshells for Parents and it was extremely helpful. I'm heading back tomorrow to spend two weeks with him. Going to try and implement what I've learned so far. Wish me luck!