Anyone know what to think of this... because im beyond lost.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone, Ill start this post off by simply summing up my past relationship with my ex and how it broke off.

We dated for two years and in my mind it was a very successful and blissful two years. Rarely did we argue and rarely were their any differences between us. Everything seemed pretty good up until I found out she cheated  on me twice. Yes, she cheated on me, with the same guy, twice. She was afraid to tell me, or at least that's what she told me when I found out for myself and immediately I had the urge to try and pull her back towards me. Apparently it didn't work and she began to do her own thing with this other guy.\

Fast forwards a couple weeks. I initiated  no contact in an attempt to find myself again and learn how to be single and confident with who I am. Every now and then she would text me something rather petty, "Oh do you have a charger for my lap top that I left there" etc.

Now let me say that both me and my ex girlfriend were avid pot smokers.It wasn't an every day occurrence, but much like drinking, we enjoyed smoking pot several times a week. Its been roughly four months at this point since we broke up and I can safely say that her life has hit a massive roadblock.

I am currently 19, and she is currently 17. I'm in a community college close to home and she is still in the same high school that we met at. Let me also say that a huge reason I decided to go to a community college was to be closer to her, which was obviously a mistake. Being that she is still in highschool, they do random drug tests and search bags under suspicion. This brings us to two days ago.

She texted me asking if I knew where to get detox, something used to flush your system clean of THC. I of course asked her what was happening and she explained to me that she went to the nurse because she hadn't slept the past couple night and when she woke up from her nap at the nurse's office the principle was standing over her and forced her to take a drug test at a lab. She said that she attempted to dilute the test, a big mistake because these labs do this for a living and can detect it, and she asked me for a detox for when they re test her. In my mind I couldn't help but wonder if this was some attempt to "use" me or if she genuinely wanted to re-connect with me as a friend. See, she has plenty of people that could get her this detox, why message me?

If any has any thoughts or would like to give their input on the situation I would greatly appreciate it. I'm past the mourning phase, happy with being single, and don't want to assume anything. Thank you!

[Hiscaru]

Hello everyone, Ill start this post off by simply summing up my past relationship with my ex and how it broke off.

We dated for two years and in my mind it was a very successful and blissful two years. Rarely did we argue and rarely were their any differences between us. Everything seemed pretty good up until I found out she cheated  on me twice. Yes, she cheated on me, with the same guy, twice. She was afraid to tell me, or at least that's what she told me when I found out for myself and immediately I had the urge to try and pull her back towards me. Apparently it didn't work and she began to do her own thing with this other guy.\

Fast forwards a couple weeks. I initiated  no contact in an attempt to find myself again and learn how to be single and confident with who I am. Every now and then she would text me something rather petty, "Oh do you have a charger for my lap top that I left there" etc.

Now let me say that both me and my ex girlfriend were avid pot smokers.It wasn't an every day occurrence, but much like drinking, we enjoyed smoking pot several times a week. Its been roughly four months at this point since we broke up and I can safely say that her life has hit a massive roadblock.

I am currently 19, and she is currently 17. I'm in a community college close to home and she is still in the same high school that we met at. Let me also say that a huge reason I decided to go to a community college was to be closer to her, which was obviously a mistake. Being that she is still in highschool, they do random drug tests and search bags under suspicion. This brings us to two days ago.

She texted me asking if I knew where to get detox, something used to flush your system clean of THC. I of course asked her what was happening and she explained to me that she went to the nurse because she hadn't slept the past couple night and when she woke up from her nap at the nurse's office the principle was standing over her and forced her to take a drug test at a lab. She said that she attempted to dilute the test, a big mistake because these labs do this for a living and can detect it, and she asked me for a detox for when they re test her. In my mind I couldn't help but wonder if this was some attempt to "use" me or if she genuinely wanted to re-connect with me as a friend. See, she has plenty of people that could get her this detox, why message me?

If any has any thoughts or would like to give their input on the situation I would greatly appreciate it. I'm past the mourning phase, happy with being single, and don't want to assume anything. Thank you!

[loyalwife]

Hi!
   Reading through your post (you dated for two years, she's 17, so that made her 15), it sounds like it was your first 'true love'. That being said, are there BPD traits that she has showed? Cheating is an indicator that the relationship has gone awry, not always a symptom of BPD (although it can be related).
   It sounds as though she is attempting to pull you back into her life, for whatever reason. It's up to you whether you take the bait or not by helping her out with the detox. But you know that she wants something more, and at this point perhaps you miss her enough to think things will be better this time. Once you have been lovers/girlfriend/boyfriend, being just friends is simply difficult. Can you ever trust her? Friends have to trust each other even if they don't sleep together.
    I met my first love at 15, and it lasted 5 years. My boyfriend 'kissed' someone else and it was never the same and I couldn't ever trust him after that.  I was married to someone for 15 years, he cheated on me and I showed him the door and built a new life, just like you did.
    Keep working on yourself. If you choose to get involved with her and things go well, then all is good. But her getting in touch with you isn't about being just friends. 
   

[Hiscaru]

I always knew that something wasn't quite right. It was small things but after going to therapy, my therapist and I came to the conclusion that she may have some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Obviously without her being properly diagnosed it's impossible to know if that's the case, but I have feeling that it is. She was very depressed and anxious all the time, unfortunately she would cut herself if I wasn't there for her, and she always had this anti social kind of vibe. Once we broke up she treated me like the enemy, even though I was clearly not in the wrong. She told me we couldn't be friends and she told me that she wanted nothing to do with me. This is why I find it odd that several months later she is still texting me consistently. Maybe she feels some form or regret or maybe she is just using me, I honestly have no idea.

[loyalwife]

Hiscaru,
   
      The push/pull is a common trait in BPD, when you are being valued, you are awesome, and when discarded, you are the enemy. It sounds as though she has a lot going on with her, and now needs your help. It is difficult to know what her intentions are, but what is important that you learn how to create boundaries with her (if you chose to help her). There isn't a right or wrong answer as it is different for everyone. Learn how to protect yourself and let her know how far you are willing to go for her. (If you do).
       Good luck.

[GaGrl]

I do admire that you are consulting a therapist! That is so mature for a 19 year old, and that openness to an outside perspective will serve you wrll.

You are seeing what we call "red flags" -- behaviors that indicate long term and deep seated emotional and psychological issues.

My DH married a woman (18 years old) when he was 22 -- he dismissed their early problems as her "immaturity." Only after bringing het to the U. S. , having two childten, and trying to establish a stable marriage with het, did he admit that the early warnings were a severe psychological issue.

Be realistic. Open your eyes to Now, not What You Imagine.

[Turkish]

She reached out to you due to your shared history. My ex did many times like this and still does. The romantic r/s is over, but the remnants remain. You're a safe person to talk to. 

You shared history. She sees you as an "expert" and reached out to you.  The r/s emotions in her mind are done, but the history remains. You're a "lifeline" and it's likely nothing more than that.  Ball's in your court. 

[Hiscaru]

So, after purchasing the detox and after attempting to rach out to her to let her know I have it, she has read my texts and has not answered. Strange to me.

[loyalwife]

If you don't hear from her, return the detox.  She obviously has made other arrangements, and besides, you deserve more respect, and appreciation. Not sure if that is what you want to hear or not.

It's difficult to tell if she is playing a game with you, reached out, or was testing the waters. Regardless, she's not available. Give it some time, and then chalk it up as experience. You did a favor for her, and showed that you are a true friend.

Continue to take care of yourself, and to enjoy the single life. It sounds as though you're a nice guy that deserves an equal partner.