When this group thing happened, I didn't realize it. People who I assumed were my friends suddenly were getting together without me. I asked one of them what was going on and she told me that this person ( the one with the suspected PD) doesn't like you, so at least she was honest. I was upset and sad over this and didn't understand  what was going on. I found out later that this person had done similar things to other people. She moved out of town but by then, friendships were ruined. It was a group of three women. The remaining two are still close friends. I am cordial when around them but keep a distance from them.

I have felt a bit envious of friends who have "girl groups" that they do things with but also now wonder how much of these involve drama that I am not interested in. I prefer to get together one on one with people or a group like neighbors if we get together on a back porch or doing something like a work out group. But some of my friends would do "girls night out" and things like that and I just didn't feel a fit with this situation.

After the situation with this group of women, I got busy with kids and doing things related to school and their activities. Admittedly, I didn't make the effort to socialize as much. I had a friend at work who I thought we were good friends but she left for another job and just cut off everyone related to the old job, including me. That felt hurtful but I don't think it was personal but about her not wanting memories of a job she didn't like. Still, I don't understand just discarding friends like that.

The rages serve a function for the pwBPD. PwBPD have difficulty managing uncomfortable feelings. Projection is one way they manage this. They don't perceive them as their own feelings- they must be coming from something outside them- and so may project them onto the people closest to them.

I compare the rages to when a child eats too many sweets, gets a stomach ache and throws up. The child then feels better and goes off to play.

I see rages as "throwing up" emotions. Once they are over, the pwBPD feels better and so assumes you must be feeling better too and goes about their way as if nothing happened.

Of course, it doesn't feel that way to you. ( or whoever they raged at). I don't think we have to tolerate being raged at, and so it is appropriate that you disengage when it happens. I wonder though, if it's necessary for you to remain that way for several days after. If this is what you need for your own self care- then that is what you need to do. If you are trying to "send her the message" or this is some kind of "silent treatment" then it may just extend the drama.

From my own experience ( with a BPD mother) - going back- trying to discuss the situation or hold her accountable for her behavior or even ask why is useless and often just results in another angry episode. It's difficult if we are seeking resolution but for her, once the feelings are "out" it's over for her and one goes on as if nothing happened. It's gone for her and her expectation is that you act as if nothing happened either and there's no special way to re-engage- you just interact as usual.

The less I assume her behavior is personal, the less I react emotionally to this kind of behavior.  It's just the way she is.

She worked herself into my house under an arrangement and then she stayed.  She made it seem so horrible I was asking her to find her own place and I gave in.

I told her she had to work.  I don't think she liked that, but she did it.  That was a boundary at least.

I wasn't paying for someone else.  No way.  She ended up earning more money than me then accused me of being with her for her money. 

She accused me of just wanting sex.  But I felt I had to perform, and she raised the bar all the time.  Nobody can keep that up. 

Saying no was not an option if you didn't want to deal with the fall out. 

I think she picked me because I was a push over in her eyes.  I noticed the next person she picked she selected someone she had "power" over. 

I had boundaries but she wore them down.  Now I feel I have none. 

I hear the conversations about male violence, and I know that is problem.  Men need to nurture better men.  Men should stand up and be vocal when they see violence against women.  Acknowledge the physical power men have.  But also, men should be heard when they are saying they have been sexually abused, or emotionally and sometimes physically.  Not to make excuses for male violence problems in the world so it's a competition, but simply factual.  This happens to boys and men, not just women and girls.

Men have a right to take their emotional power back, just like women.

I am gay by the way.  I just see it so clearly now.  It's not a gender battle.   It's a battle of abuse. 

One way I guess is if men start to think they don't play a role as such, in a relationship.   The role is equal ALWAYS.  You might be stronger, or better at different things but there are areas that gender does stop either sex from performing a role of equality.  If you don't feel that equality no matter what gender you are, there is something wrong. 

Love always tries to equalize

Sounds like you don’t have children involved.
What you did the first time, leaving without explanations would be my preferred choice if I was in your shoes. I’m female going through divorce and can remember being in the state you currently are in rn.
It may sound cowardly and appears immature but ask yourself this one question what did you ever gain from explaining and over explaining your decisions/choices/ actions/ POV to your pwbpd. All that does is give her all the power and control in the relationship. Remember that the end of the relationship would be as chaotic as the relationship itself no matter what you do. Going away quietly would be more effective, costing less emotional stress, and energy.
Explaining is enabling, she was able to convince you to comeback because she had access to you still. I’m sure she’s continued to blame you for leaving previously that’s why you feel it’s wrong to leave same way as you did then. What you did then was effective and this time I would add an extra layer of no access to communication or limited access through email.
Take care and I wish you all the best.

I'm curious -- is the treatment for CPTSD similar? Generalized anxiety?  Do they approach treatment from a shared perspective or so a distinct difference in how to approach the patient?

PS DD will probably fly off into a rant when you first mention anything about the allergies but let that fly past, wait a while and then bring up again!

Hi Momof3
it sure is a difficult situation. As well as the BPD - the blaming etc - it seems as though your dd could have OCD? This makes it harder - if that is possible! - because there are such fixed ideas about their environment etc. The anxiety is so high they control everything tightly and have such fixed ideas that no matter what you say it doesn't shift their thinking!

It's good that you have set some boundaries - and are holding them.

I feel like I am not really the one to make any suggestions because I haven't found a magic bullet to fix my own situation. But for what it is worth, I would probably focus on the OCD symptoms, planning to go very slowly to see if dd is open to changing just a little.

The starting point for me would be asking if she has been diagnosed with any particular allergy and if not would she be prepared to get tested. th

In other words challenging the allergy issue to see how formal this has been. If she hasn't then you can point out that she can't really confine the household to something she hasn't had diagnosed.

If she is willing to get tested and nothing shows up, move the discussion to OCD. There are some good meds for OCD that might make a difference to some BPD symptoms too in that by relieving the anxiety symptoms they can raise the bar as far  as triggers go in relation to going into a rant or becoming angry.

I care for a neighbour who has OCD and it is no easy task to get someone with this condition to get help - but it can make a huge difference.

Re the blaming etc, I would let that float past me at this point in time and see how I go with tackling the OCD aspects that seem to be present.

Just a few thoughts . . .

Hi Donna Marie
Thanks for the extra information. It does all go around in one's head and I think it helps to write it here. I agree with the points you are coming to.

I think 'letting go' at the moment is the right decision - or it's at least what I would do, especially from what I now know of BPD - the more you try to make contact, the more Joe will manipulate dd against you.

I would be relieved that there is an aunt 15 minutes away - even though dd doesn't have much contact with her. Is Aunt your sister? Would it be helpful to have a chat with her re the situation regarding Joe's anger etc? Or would it muddy the waters?

To be honest I would be hoping that the police are doing some follow up on the incident - I think they should because there was a knife involved. The number plate should correlate to a make and model of a car, so they would find out the deception there. If Joe made any threats while holding the knife, I think it's bigger than low grade road rage, and if dd doesn't want to drive with Joe, his road rage must be constant and unnerving.

My mind going around the situation comes to the same point as you - leaving things so as not to inflame things, especially as I feel there is a possibility that events may occur - eg dd wants to end the relationship or there is police follow up/Joe incurs more road rage incidents - that mean there is a new situation.

DD knows you are there - and having the knowledge one person is there, can make all the difference as things unfold.

The iMazing app on the Apple store will allow you to export all your texts from an iPhone into a court admissable format (US, not sure about Canada). A time and life saver. Check it out.

Thanks notwendy for your insight as a child. Very helpful.