Reign_of_Light
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 13
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« on: February 25, 2017, 05:32:15 AM » |
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Hello, I'm (28) together with my BPD-gf (25) for a little over 2 years now. After half a year we moved in together. In our case it was a good move! The stability really helped her. She came to terms with being "Borderline", she sought therapy (which ended a little while ago, but she is about to start the next one soon), joined a self-help group, broke contact with all her ex-boyfriends, we got a dog together which became the light of her life, she now veeery rarely cuts herself, and also gets triggered less and less, after which she does seldomly act out but just removes herself for a while. If she does "act" out, she blames the relationship for her misery, or if the pressure is really unbearable, she cuts herself. Nothing too serious, though it was different in her past. And now I feel like leaving. Strangely, not because of any BPD-reasons, but because of feeling stuck and an ever growing desire to move on. Also, because the stability of our relationship is in part mutually "bought" by being not too intimate, if at all.
I do not take this decision lightly. I'm afraid for all the progress she made, and of the message she gets from being abandoned yet again, despite all her positive efforts and real successes. Moving on would not be easy on her (I guess it never is with BPD). And on top of that she would have to deal with being left in an apartment she cannot afford on her own, with a dog to care for, a car, and not much of a supportive network. All that besides an already challenging professional situation. Still, I got to go, and there will never be a perfect time for that.
Now, I'd like to ask you for advice on how to go while harming her the least.
A) My plan A is to reduce my belongings to an absolute minimum, so most of them fit into a suitcase and I am able to move out within an hour. Then I will tell her about my decision, but it will be about me feeling stuck and wanting to travel, see the world, meet new people, which is mainly true. I hope that way she makes it less about her and hopefully feels less self-hate and hopelessness.
B) Now, plan B would be less honest, but perhaps worth it if it hurts her less. Not too long ago we already were at the point where she wanted me out over not being available enough for her. Finally, she got scared and suddenly was okay again with the situation-as-is. But it makes me think about gradually removing myself from the relationship in terms of spending more and more time with work, own projects, meeting other people, things I like but she dislikes, and less and less with her. In the best case we would mutually end it at some point. Begs the questions whether it's better if I am the one who broke up or if it's her. When its me, then she is the "victim" who can blame me and hopefully receives more support from family and friends, but it's also a particular blow to her ego, a painful rejection and loss of control. On the contrary, if she leaves me, she stays in control and is able to reject me, but it might lead to her feeling guilty, rueful and ashamed about it later, with less understanding from friends and family (who critisized her high fluctuation of boyfriends in the past).
C) Plan C would be alike plan A but without the breaking up. I'd move and/or go traveling in spite of her protesting, but we'd still be together. If she does not break with me before, I'd gradually reduce our chats and phone-calls until one of us breaks up from the distance.
D) The opposite of plan C. I'd stay, at least for the while, but I'd tell her I wanted our relationship to transition to a friendship, as this is already what it is. Kind of a "soft" break-up. Actually that was a suggestion of hers recently in order to make herself expect less of me, though I don't know if that was any serious or out of a momentary feeling. Being "friends" afterwards, I would make much more time for myself and finally move out.
E) ... Do you see a plan E? What do you think?
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