Teenage daughter has been a challenge

[love never fails]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, but I have been reading for a while and have learned a lot from reading from other people's posts.  I have been trying to validate more and be mindful of everything I say, but it is exhausting.   

My 15 y.o. daughter used to rage for almost an hour a day as well as cut and had multiple suicide gestures.  She recently got out of residential where she was for over a year.  She has been coming home for weekends for most of that time so we have had a chance to try to change how we interact.  She really wants to be able to stay home this time (she has had several other shorter admissions) and has not been raging, cutting or having suicide gestures.  That is the good news.  The bad news is that she is incredibly needy. 

She has no friends and is with us 24/7 and I mean 24/7.  She follows us around the house and just stands and stares at us while we try to get things done.  She stands so close that I often bump into her after washing my hands when I am trying to reach for my towel.  She wants us to take her places and entertain her in other ways all day long.  She wants to sleep in our room which I absolutely will not allow.  She will lay on the floor outside our door waiting for us to get up.  She wants to come in the bathroom with me.

Recently she has been demanding that my husband sit in her room with her and sing to her and tell her stories while she falls asleep.  I am sure it relates to her abandonment issues so I am trying to be understanding, but it just feels like a new behavior to cope in maladaptive ways instead of using everything she learned in RTC.  She has had extensive exposure to DBT, but is derisive of that "crap" and gets mad when anyone suggests she use her "coping skills".  The bottom line is that she does not want to cope...she wants us to cope for her.

Sorry this is so rambling.  It is hard to summarize everything in less than a full novel.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Love Never Fails
Welcome to the group. You have come to the right place for help and support. It seems you are really going through it with your teenage daughter. I take it she has been diagnosed with BPD? It is so great that she was able to benefit from residential treatment and stop the raging and self injury. Those are huge steps. I can see how you are both glad she is home and challenged by her clinging behavior. You are wise to see that it stems from her fear of abandonment. You are also wise to see that ultimately she will have to learn coping skills for herself. What kind of support do you have as you go through this difficult time?
hugs
Faith

[love never fails]

Faith, thank you for your prompt response.  I have read many of your replies to other posts and have learned so much from your wise counsel.  I guess suffering really does produce perseverance, character, and eventually hope!

I am working on setting up some family therapy.  Intensive in home therapy was supposed to be set up as part of her discharge plan, but after multiple phone calls with no response, I have given up and will pursue more traditional office therapy. 

The biggest issue is that my husband and I are frequently not on the same page.  He wants to avoid conflict with her and so tends to give in when she wears him down with her begging and pleading.  He has been doing better recently, but always looks completely exhausted after dealing with her for a few hours.

It is hard for me to understand why both of us feel so exhausted when dealing with her since she has not been screaming, throwing things or threatening like she used to.  I guess it is like dealing with a chronically irritable and fussy baby who never really screams, but also can never really be soothed.   

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you for your kind words. I think therapy whether traditional or not is a great idea. BPD affects the whole family and everyone needs help and support. You might also want to think about couples counseling to help you and your husband to get on the same page. Facing the challenges my son presents has taught me that couple strength is really important when it comes to mutual support and avoiding drama triangles.

[livednlearned]

She follows us around the house and just stands and stares at us while we try to get things done.  She stands so close that I often bump into her after washing my hands when I am trying to reach for my towel.  She wants us to take her places and entertain her in other ways all day long.  She wants to sleep in our room which I absolutely will not allow.  She will lay on the floor outside our door waiting for us to get up.  She wants to come in the bathroom with me.

You could be describing my stepdaughter (22) when she lived with us. It's hard to express to people who don't live with someone this needy what it's like. When my H and I go to bed she then moves to texting. When he's in the bathroom she waits outside the door. One time I was backing the car out of the garage to leave and she tried to open the door to get in, desperate to avoid being left alone in the house. She is quiet BPD so we experience more of the clinging and neediness and manipulation.

It's hard when mom and dad aren't on the same page. With my H, I learned to have boundaries with him when he was enmeshed with BPD behaviors. Removing myself from the drama triangle that FHL talks about helped me, and using skills I learned here for BPD were actually the key to stabilizing my marriage.

Have you read When Your Daughter Has BPD by Lobel? I particularly like how he focuses on the splitting effects that BPD has on the family.

[Onedayatatime73]

My fifteen year old daughter can be so needy too. It's exhausting. The last couple of days she's been very clingy with her younger brother. I've run interference because I can tell and he's told before that it's too much for him. I am grateful for everyone here who posts and who responds as well. We're not alone.