Wow, I'm now part of the apology club

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex has no idea that I do not wish to remain friends with her, but I can't tell her we're not together because of her BPD. She is in denial that the BPD is the cause of basically everything, every one of her behaviors. Reading this kinda did tug at my emotions a bit, but I do realize she's probably freaking out because her new girlfriends didn't work out and now she figures she'll try and reach out to me.

Got an email this morning and here it is (she has DID and refers to herself as "we":

If you still need space, I completely understand. I figured you could read this when you're ready.

I just wanted to apologize for what I said about you being abusive in that letter I sent a while ago. I was wrong.

I realized this yesterday when I learned that one of my girlfriends wanted to strangle the other to death on Tuesday. It sort of put things into perspective.

Whatever interactional problems we had between us, they weren't anywhere in the realm of that sort of thing.

For what it's worth, I also wanted to apologize for our side of causing that dysfunctional dynamic between the two of us.

We're safe, withdrawing from the situation, setting good boundaries, all that stuff. Going to take a break from dating like you. Seeing (my T) today, all the stuff we need to take good care of ourselves.

Anyway, it just felt important that I say this now so I did. I hope things are well with you.



I have not responded but I'm still thinking of what to say. I want to say so many things but I know they'll just make her mad and defensive and "victimized" once again. I really really wish I could just tell her it's due to the BPD that she cannot be in my life. Even as friends.

[SpringInMyStep]

My ex has no idea that I do not wish to remain friends with her, but I can't tell her we're not together because of her BPD. She is in denial that the BPD is the cause of basically everything, every one of her behaviors. Reading this kinda did tug at my emotions a bit, but I do realize she's probably freaking out because her new girlfriends didn't work out and now she figures she'll try and reach out to me.

Got an email this morning and here it is (she has DID and refers to herself as "we":

If you still need space, I completely understand. I figured you could read this when you're ready.

I just wanted to apologize for what I said about you being abusive in that letter I sent a while ago. I was wrong.

I realized this yesterday when I learned that one of my girlfriends wanted to strangle the other to death on Tuesday. It sort of put things into perspective.

Whatever interactional problems we had between us, they weren't anywhere in the realm of that sort of thing.

For what it's worth, I also wanted to apologize for our side of causing that dysfunctional dynamic between the two of us.

We're safe, withdrawing from the situation, setting good boundaries, all that stuff. Going to take a break from dating like you. Seeing (my T) today, all the stuff we need to take good care of ourselves.

Anyway, it just felt important that I say this now so I did. I hope things are well with you.



I have not responded but I'm still thinking of what to say. I want to say so many things but I know they'll just make her mad and defensive and "victimized" once again. I really really wish I could just tell her it's due to the BPD that she cannot be in my life. Even as friends.

[Algae]

Not to rain on your parade, but from my experience... all apologies have always backfired and have only been said to lure me back in.

Ive been lured in 6-7 times.  One time she even drew a portrait of me on a huge piece of paper and wrote pages of poems saying shes sorry and admitted she was crazy, messed up, had mental problems.  It wasn't long after though that she went crazy and took off again.

[SpringInMyStep]

Oh there's no parade. I'm not deluding myself. Haha.

I know that she's manipulating me - however unintentionally - because she's probably freaking out inside that she has no close relationships except for her ex. She's even alienated her mother again... .that's an on and off thing too.

I'm posting here because I do need to remain strong and not get sucked in. I think I'll thank her for the apology and then will have to come up with a very nice way of telling her we cannot be friends.

[Rifka]

My ex has no idea that I do not wish to remain friends with her, but I can't tell her we're not together because of her BPD. She is in denial that the BPD is the cause of basically everything, every one of her behaviors. Reading this kinda did tug at my emotions a bit, but I do realize she's probably freaking out because her new girlfriends didn't work out and now she figures she'll try and reach out to me.

Got an email this morning and here it is (she has DID and refers to herself as "we":

If you still need space, I completely understand. I figured you could read this when you're ready.

I just wanted to apologize for what I said about you being abusive in that letter I sent a while ago. I was wrong.

I realized this yesterday when I learned that one of my girlfriends wanted to strangle the other to death on Tuesday. It sort of put things into perspective.

Whatever interactional problems we had between us, they weren't anywhere in the realm of that sort of thing.

For what it's worth, I also wanted to apologize for our side of causing that dysfunctional dynamic between the two of us.

We're safe, withdrawing from the situation, setting good boundaries, all that stuff. Going to take a break from dating like you. Seeing (my T) today, all the stuff we need to take good care of ourselves.

Anyway, it just felt important that I say this now so I did. I hope things are well with you.



I have not responded but I'm still thinking of what to say. I want to say so many things but I know they'll just make her mad and defensive and "victimized" once again. I really really wish I could just tell her it's due to the BPD that she cannot be in my life. Even as friends.

I've been here before, it's being pulled back in the web, the game, the trap door!

Don't go! Heed the big DO NOT ENTER DANGER AHEAD SIGN!

This will not turn out well!

Let her therapist tell her!

Just my opinion.

[purpleavocado]

If you can... .don't respond. It's just part of the cycle. Truth is, this is the only way you know how to relate to one another, and feeding the frenzy is what you're trying to get out of. *hugs*

[fred6]

My ex has no idea that I do not wish to remain friends with her, but I can't tell her we're not together because of her BPD. She is in denial that the BPD is the cause of basically everything, every one of her behaviors. Reading this kinda did tug at my emotions a bit, but I do realize she's probably freaking out because her new girlfriends didn't work out and now she figures she'll try and reach out to me.

Got an email this morning and here it is (she has DID and refers to herself as "we":

If you still need space, I completely understand. I figured you could read this when you're ready.

I just wanted to apologize for what I said about you being abusive in that letter I sent a while ago. I was wrong.

I realized this yesterday when I learned that one of my girlfriends wanted to strangle the other to death on Tuesday. It sort of put things into perspective.

Whatever interactional problems we had between us, they weren't anywhere in the realm of that sort of thing.

For what it's worth, I also wanted to apologize for our side of causing that dysfunctional dynamic between the two of us.

We're safe, withdrawing from the situation, setting good boundaries, all that stuff. Going to take a break from dating like you. Seeing (my T) today, all the stuff we need to take good care of ourselves.

Anyway, it just felt important that I say this now so I did. I hope things are well with you.



I have not responded but I'm still thinking of what to say. I want to say so many things but I know they'll just make her mad and defensive and "victimized" once again. I really really wish I could just tell her it's due to the BPD that she cannot be in my life. Even as friends.

I've been here before, it's being pulled back in the web, the game, the trap door!

Don't go! Heed the big DO NOT ENTER DANGER AHEAD SIGN!

This will not turn out well!

Let her therapist tell her!

Just my opinion.

Yes, I agree. I don't think that I'll have to deal with this kind of thing or being recycled. But when my exBPDgf was breaking up with me. In frustration and tearing up, I told her, "Fine just toss me out like yesterdays garbage. Since I make you so unhappy, I'll just go away and just disappear forever".

Much to my surprise, she then started crying and sobbingly said, "I want to keep you as a friend, I don't want you to just disappear, I love you". When this happened, I said to myself that she was just trying to manipulate my feelings and make herself feel better. She then proceeded to treat me the worst that I've ever been treated in my life for the next 2 months. A couple times when she was treating me like sh|t, I said, "I thought you love me and wanted to be friends?" Her reply was, "I do love you, I don't want anything bad to happen to you".

My reply, "I don't want anything bad to happen to the garbage man, but that doesn't mean that I love him", "your treatment of me doesn't add up to loving me or being my friend". She didn't say a word back and just walked away. One of the few discussions/arguments that I came away feeling like I won.

I guess my whole point is that the more that you engage with these people the more engagements that you will lose. When they act remorseful, sorry, upset, or friendly you are more than likely being manipulated.

[freedom33]

Just to echo the previous people... .Don't do it! Keep away. No contact is probably the best option. Oh and technically you are not part of the apology club. This is not an apology. She is basically saying that you are not as abusive as strangling her. But don't beat yourself about it. There is no apology club for us nons. There never was and there never will be when you are involved with a pwBPD

[SpringInMyStep]

My reply, "I don't want anything bad to happen to the garbage man, but that doesn't mean that I love him", "your treatment of me doesn't add up to loving me or being my friend". She didn't say a word back and just walked away. One of the few discussions/arguments that I came away feeling like I won.

I guess my whole point is that the more that you engage with these people the more engagements that you will lose. When they act remorseful, sorry, upset, or friendly you are more than likely being manipulated.[/quote]
Hahaha I love your comment about the garbage man. See, they define love as "anyone who will be around me and do things for me". I just don't even understand why she would want to hang out with me! In many discussions, we've concluded that we don't have anything in common, we don't even have the same life philosophies, nothing at all! I don't want to be around someone with whom I can't be my whole self and have to hold back. With her, it's all a balancing act, trying to step lightly so you don't "trigger" her. She knows my stance on not censoring myself anymore so I cannot figure out why she would want to be in the same room with someone like that... .shes been quick to eliminate others from her life for the same reasons!

I haven't responded yet and don't know if I will. If so, it'll have to be to the point and as devoid of emotion as possible so as not to give her any hope.

[SpringInMyStep]

Just to echo the previous people... .Don't do it! Keep away. No contact is probably the best option. Oh and technically you are not part of the apology club. This is not an apology. She is basically saying that you are not as abusive as strangling her. But don't beat yourself about it. There is no apology club for us nons. There never was and there never will be when you are involved with a pwBPD

Ha... .yes, I know, it's just that a lot of people have been posting email apologies from their ex BPDs and I did not think it would happen to me. Yeah, she's saying "well I thought you were terrible, but compared to your replacements, you're not really that bad and besides, I don't have anyone else right now so there's an opening".

Nope.

I just wish this were like a normal breakup where we could be friends without all this mental illness mess. It's frustrating.

[LettingGo14]

I haven't responded yet and don't know if I will.

I, for one, applaud this approach.   What's the use of engaging?   You are healing.  You are healing.  You are healing.

It's not about the ex anymore.

[SpringInMyStep]

Thanks : )

But doesn't she deserve to be treated with the same respect I'd give anyone that I was divorcing or breaking up with? Most people want to know why someone doesn't want to be with them, right? I know I do. I still don't know why my ex-husband wanted a divorce, so I don't want to be "that person" with my wife. I don't know... .there must be a way to do this so I feel closure and she gets answers, even if she doesn't like them.

[goldylamont]

Thanks : )

But doesn't she deserve to be treated with the same respect I'd give anyone that I was divorcing or breaking up with? Most people want to know why someone doesn't want to be with them, right? I know I do. I still don't know why my ex-husband wanted a divorce, so I don't want to be "that person" with my wife. I don't know... .there must be a way to do this so I feel closure and she gets answers, even if she doesn't like them.

all of this really depends on you ilovestrawberries. her email to you seemed actually genuine to me, but we all know that she won't feel this way for long. she may already feel the opposite of it.

i think right now if i heard something like this from my ex i might reply in a detached, emotionless way. simply thanking her. but this is because of me, not her. meaning i'm detached enough and if i sent a thank you reply i wouldn't really be affected if she reacted back by blaming/shaming, etc. in fact, i'd kind of expect it. but i'd be ok with the exchange, treating her decently i suppose for at least trying, while fully realizing that the only reason she's having these insights has nothing to do with actually caring about me but more about her probably hating on and abusing her current bf.

ultimately though, you owe her nothing. you shouldn't feel guilty at all by ignoring it completely. if you do choose to respond though--you can't go crying if she takes it into a negative direction. you'd have to be in a place beforehand knowing this was a possibility and that you'd be ok with it. it takes a lot of time and detachment to be there though. so, you don't owe her anything. only do what's best for you, do not concern yourself with her well being. she is incapable of being invested in yours beyond fleeting thoughts in an email.

[SpringInMyStep]

wow you're so right goldylamont... .I'm not 100% sure I'm in a place yet to send such an email to her. I do know her desire to keep contact with me isn't really about her liking or even loving me... .it's just about her own needs. I know that.

Also, my urge to tell her that I can't be with her because of her untreated, unacknowledged BPD is certainly not going to elicit a response of "oh thank you ilovestrawberries! now I'll immediately find a better qualified therapist and work on my BPD!"

Not gonna happen. In fact, she'd just get mad at me. So you're right, probably no response is best, but if I have to tell her that I do not want to remain friends, I'll do it in an emotionless way.

[myself]

If you still need space

That's an important point. Do you still need space? If so, don't respond. Answering is like hitting the ball back in a tennis game you're not wanting to play. Your intentions are good about letting her know you don't want to be friends, but actually not being friends/in her life sends a clearer message.

[walksoftly]

I don't receive any apologies... I receive texts like:

_____off idiot.

_____ off dummy

_______Ill call the cops dumbass.

No apology

[SpringInMyStep]

If you still need space

That's an important point. Do you still need space? If so, don't respond. Answering is like hitting the ball back in a tennis game you're not wanting to play. Your intentions are good about letting her know you don't want to be friends, but actually not being friends/in her life sends a clearer message.

good point. I DO need space. I think some part of me thinks that if I just send her this one email telling her no, we can't be friends, she'll back off. But you're right, it'll just encourage her.

I'm sorry, walksoftly... .that can't be easy getting those texts. 

[fred6]

I just don't even understand why she would want to hang out with me! In many discussions, we've concluded that we don't have anything in common, we don't even have the same life philosophies

Again, spot on with me. She has told me many times in the past year that, "we have nothing in common". And I would always tell her, "that is something that you should have figured out after 3 weeks or 3 months, NOT 3 YEARS"!

She would continue to say that we have nothing in common every so often. So I would ask her, "then why are you with me, why do you have me living here with you?" Her list of answers that she would rotate through.

You're good to me

You take care of me

You love me

You care about me

This is one of the best relationships of my life

See her pattern? Me, me, me, me, my. All about her. How about, because you love me and want to take care of me sometimes? Her, "nothing in common" comments started in the last year of a 3 year relationship. She didn't seem to have a problem in the first 2 years.

[fred6]

I don't receive any apologies... I receive texts like:

_____off idiot.

_____ off dummy

_______Ill call the cops dumbass.

No apology

Damn, just out of the blue with no interaction?

[SpringInMyStep]

fred6: yes! it is absolutely all about her. I don't even think she's attracted to me. I don't think she is capable of treating another person the way that she expects to be treated - like the princess. I treated her like that and literally worshiped her, but after a while, that got old without any reciprocation.

It's tough when we find out we are so dispensable that we'll be replaced on a whim if they decide to paint us black.

So no, I don't want to be a part of her on and off cycle again. I can't do it.

[fred6]

fred6: yes! it is absolutely all about her. I don't even think she's attracted to me. I don't think she is capable of treating another person the way that she expects to be treated - like the princess. I treated her like that and literally worshiped her, but after a while, that got old without any reciprocation.

It's tough when we find out we are so dispensable that we'll be replaced on a whim if they decide to paint us black.

So no, I don't want to be a part of her on and off cycle again. I can't do it.

Before I knew about BPD and when this first started happening to me I told my exBPD. "you'll never find someone that loves you as much as I do". However, now I know, yes she will. She will have fools lined up around the block just waiting for her abuse, just to get a taste of the idealization. Kind of like a crack dealer. The first rock is free, but the rest cost you your soul... .

[SpringInMyStep]

hahaha exactly! with me, I believe she never truly had anyone dedicate themselves to her as much as I did... .not that it was the best decision on my part, but I took such good care of her and put up with more than anyone ever had or probably will again. but that's not my problem now. I have to do what's best for me, not her.

[fred6]

hahaha exactly! with me, I believe she never truly had anyone dedicate themselves to her as much as I did... .not that it was the best decision on my part, but I took such good care of her and put up with more than anyone ever had or probably will again. but that's not my problem now. I have to do what's best for me, not her.

I understand that perfectly. Like I have posted before. According to her, her family, and her friends. Most of her relationships in the past 10+ years have only lasted between 1 night stands to 4 months. I lasted 3 years. Why? That's one of my biggest questions. She had/has to feel something for me. At least, in my logical mind. There were warning signs and red flags, but honestly until I found out she was cheating and all of this unraveled back in early July. I can honestly say that I wasn't really unhappy as I had kind of accepted her mood swings and lack of intimacy. I was kind of content. Or maybe I was just the stupid one to hang around for so long.

[SpringInMyStep]

I think we all ask ourselves why we stayed. I was only with her a total of two years, including a one-month breakup period in there. We married last November and I still ask myself why in the world I would do that! Honestly, looking back, it all started to go downhill last August (2013) when she says she was groped on a bus. I thought that was the reason for all of her PTSD and why she seemed to be declining. I thought well of course I should support her through all of this! She can't help it that something happened to her. I knew nothing about BPD and neither did she until sometime earlier this year. The kicker is, she's not even being treated for it as her therapist "doesn't believe in it" except that it shares some symptoms with PTSD. Seriously?

It all began to unravel after I started reading more about BPD.

It's really really nice to be able to talk about this stuff here... .not a lot of people understand the pull that someone with BPD has on us.

[fred6]

I think we all ask ourselves why we stayed. I was only with her a total of two years, including a one-month breakup period in there. We married last November and I still ask myself why in the world I would do that! Honestly, looking back, it all started to go downhill last August (2013) when she says she was groped on a bus. I thought that was the reason for all of her PTSD and why she seemed to be declining. I thought well of course I should support her through all of this! She can't help it that something happened to her. I knew nothing about BPD and neither did she until sometime earlier this year. The kicker is, she's not even being treated for it as her therapist "doesn't believe in it" except that it shares some symptoms with PTSD. Seriously?

It all began to unravel after I started reading more about BPD.

It's really really nice to be able to talk about this stuff here... .not a lot of people understand the pull that someone with BPD has on us.

I don't mean why did I stay for so long. I want to know why my exBPDgf kept me around for so long when all of her other relationships for the past 10+ years have only lasted from one night to 4 months. Why did she keep me around for so long?

Yeah, they don't understand. I was telling my ex wife today that all I felt like doing was laying in the bed in my new crappy little apartment. She just kept saying, "you'll be ok, you just need to stop thinking about her". I tried to tell her that it's not that easy, this isn't like when we got divorced, it's a totally different dynamic. My remarried ex wife immediatly said, "so does that mean that you loved her more than me"? My first thought was, "What the heck, are you high on something"? Another guy at work told me to, "go get a piece of a$$ and you'll forget all about her".  I wish that I could make these people feel like I feel for 5 minutes, but then again I wish that I could make my exBPD feel how I feel for 5 minutes also. No one gets it, no one but the people on this site know how this feels.

In a normal relationship, I would probably be OK right now. BPD isn't a normal relationship. I'm going to stay NC, but I just want exBPD to make an attempt to somehow reach out tell me that she does love or care about me and that she made a mistake. I just want to feel validated by her and get some closure. It really messes with my head that someone told me they loved me everyday for 3 years and now they act like they hate me and according to her I did nothing wrong. Sadly, I think that I'm waiting for something that I'm never going to receive. But I know as time goes on that these feelings that I'm having will slowly fade.

[Flora73]

Still waiting for mine... ..random call yesterday with hidden number and no message 

Would rather i had an apology in writing but for some reason I can't see that happening   

[Rise]

I just want to feel validated by her and get some closure.

It's a tough lesson to learn, but looking to others for validation and closure in situations like this just doesn't work. It's something that's got to come from within yourself. It takes time, but you'll get there. 

[SpringInMyStep]

fred6: I see what you're saying. yes, I wonder now if she even really likes ME, who i am, or was it just what I did for her? I really doubt the whole relationship now! It's amazing to me that, even after I straight-up told her I'm not censoring my language anymore (as in, no more lists of words i'm not allowed to say), that she STILL pursues a friendship. It boggles the mind.

I don't even think she'd like being around me! I'm absolutely sure I would trigger her.