Do I stay or do I go?

[onomatopoeia]

My husband was diagnosed with BPD about 8 months ago.  We have been together for 10 years and have one child together.  To say that the last 10 years of our relationship has been destructive would be an understatement.  I come from a past with good and bad relationships.  Some were physically and emotionally abusive, and some were just fine.  I met my husband after coming out of a relationship with a very good man, that I was very heartbroken by.  My husband was just what I needed at the time - he gave me a lot of attention, in fact he was with me almost all of the time from the moment we started dating.  We moved in together after only dating for a 4 months.  I think I always knew something wasn't right, but I thought it was me for a very long time.  About two months after we moved in together, my father died very unexpectedly.  Throughout the very short time that my father was in the hospital and during his wake and funeral, my husband (we weren't married yet), was pretty terrible.  He didn't even want to stay with me at the repast.  I tried to chalk it up to the fact that he had never dealt with any death in his life, but this was just the first major red flag I should have paid attention to.  We got married two years later, and moved about 45 minutes away from all of our friends and family.  He has always had social anxiety, and seemed to despise my friends, so slowly but surely we became very isolated.  He always thought very highly of himself in some ways - so all of our friends were jerks, etc.  He also gave me a very hard time about seeing my family.  Anytime there was a family event, it was ALWAYS a problem.  He also was very protective and controlling, and I had to check in with him all the time when we were apart.  I certainly cannot go into all of the terrible things he has said and done throughout the course of our relationship.  Our daughter is now 4, and he is just now becoming more involved in her life.  He really did not help me at all in raising her. 

This brings me to where we are now.  A little over a year ago, I went to stay with my brother for a long weekend thinking that this would be the beginning of the end of my marriage.  He convinced me to come back with a laundry list of how he would change and that he could see now that this was all his fault.  After getting back together, he began a relationship with one of his co-workers that I found out about a few months later.  At this point, I had decided this is the last straw and I filed for divorce.  We stayed living in the same house for about 6 months and I sort of tried to make it work.  In the back of my mind though, I always thought about how unhappy I was and how I couldn't do this anymore.  I moved my daughter and myself in with my sister about 6 months ago.  At first, I felt a lot better - I felt more clarity then ever before.  And, even my co-workers noticed that I seemed happier and less frazzled.  My husband never got a lawyer and was in default on our divorce.  He promised me he would seek more treatment, get a job, etc., so I let the divorce lapse.

Every time I talk to him, I feel like I can't just tell him - this is over.  I don't know if it is because of my codependent enabling characteristics or if it is because I actually want to work it out.  I don't look at him the same way anymore.  He has entered an IOP about a month ago and I am happy about that, but he still says all the time that he "needs me" and it is very obvious that he defines his happiness from me.

Today I tried to tell him that I couldn't forgive him for what has happened.  He told me that it all happened because he had an un-diagnosed mental illness, and that it isn't really who he is.  But, that mean person, the one that called me stupid, and lazy, and countless other things (even in front of my daughter), is really the only person that I know.  I have a hard time saying that BPD made him say and do all of those hurtful things to me.

My family wants me to get a divorce.  My friends want me to get a divorce.  The ONLY person who ever knows what is really going on with my husband is me.  I told his parents (who help care for our daughter) that he was in an IOP and when he found out I told them he was beyond hurt.  He told me I have no right.  Maybe I don't, but it is so hard being the only person who knows the truth.

How can you leave someone who struggles with such serious abandonment issues and feels like they need you to survive?

I am pretty sure that I will live a happier life if I were divorced, but I can't seem to move forward.  I have been stuck here in limbo for over a year.  I need help and advice from anyone who was or is in a similar situation.  Thank you in advance for reading and responding.

[infjEpic]

My family wants me to get a divorce.  My friends want me to get a divorce.  The ONLY person who ever knows what is really going on with my husband is me.  I told his parents (who help care for our daughter) that he was in an IOP and when he found out I told them he was beyond hurt.  He told me I have no right.  Maybe I don't, but it is so hard being the only person who knows the truth.

How can you leave someone who struggles with such serious abandonment issues and feels like they need you to survive?

I am pretty sure that I will live a happier life if I were divorced, but I can't seem to move forward.  I have been stuck here in limbo for over a year.  I need help and advice from anyone who was or is in a similar situation.  Thank you in advance for reading and responding.

You spoke a lot about "other people's" opinions & expectations of you... .what do you want?

How can you leave someone who struggles with such serious abandonment issues and feels like they need you to survive?

Do you mind if I turn that question around?

How can you continue to live with someone who promises to change, cheats on you, insults you?
How can you continue to live with someone who is abusing you? Emotionally, if not physically

You started by explaining it's a destructive relationship.
Then you explained that after you reconciled, based on his promise to change - he in fact went and cheated on you.

Are you entitled to any compassion at all?
Or is that just reserved for your husband?

I am pretty sure that I will live a happier life if I were divorced, but I can't seem to move forward.  I have been stuck here in limbo for over a year.  I need help and advice from anyone who was or is in a similar situation.  Thank you in advance for reading and responding.

Have you given yourself permission to end it?

[gotbushels]

Hi onomatopoeia   and welcome.

Being with a pwBPD is tough. Here, you'll find many people who've gone through the difficulties you've faced. You'll get support here.

He always thought very highly of himself in some ways - so all of our friends were jerks, etc.  He also gave me a very hard time about seeing my family.  Anytime there was a family event, it was ALWAYS a problem. 

I relate to this. Eventually, my relationship moved into this stage. Inevitably, between life commitments, it was just much easier to avoid family altogether. I would have to handle some issue with my ex around family arrangements.

My family wants me to get a divorce.  My friends want me to get a divorce.  The ONLY person who ever knows what is really going on with my husband is me.  I told his parents (who help care for our daughter) that he was in an IOP and when he found out I told them he was beyond hurt.  He told me I have no right.  Maybe I don't, but it is so hard being the only person who knows the truth.

You seem to be feeling very lost and uncertain. When I was in a point similar to this, I definitely felt isolated in addition to these feelings. It seemed like people understood less and less what and how my relationship was progressing. I discovered many people had been in my situation and things got better as I sought emotional, then practical answers.

From here, I think what will really help you to process much of what you've been through and gone through--in order to move forward--will to learn how to defuse conflict. You can find that as #1 on the sidebar to the right. Stop the bleeding is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/01.htm

What helped me when I was experiencing conflict about my decision making was emotional and intellectual space. That's involved in #2 on the right sidebar. Since you're still heavily involved with the pwBPD, the best thing you can do to create that space is to learn to stop the bleeding.

I encourage you to exercise self compassion during this time onomatopoeia. I look forward to your progress with your story.