Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
May 14, 2024, 01:45:30 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
Cat Familiar
,
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back (Read 555 times)
keith99
Offline
Posts: 53
Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
on:
October 03, 2013, 03:03:36 AM »
I was married for 12 years to a very controlling woman. By her behaviour I am sure she is BPD. I moved to Australia to be with her from the UK. We had a son together. I did most of the raising of my son whilst my wife was a high flying career woman. We had a lot of arguments but I stayed for my sons sake. He had his own set of problems so I also was left to deal with that on my own with no support. His school thought he had autism so I was back and forth from doctors with no real answers. This caused massive problems as my wife refused to listen to the school and refused to send him to a doctor. I ended up ignoring her and trying to do right by my son, having to spend lots of money trying to figure out what the problem was.
I started to get horrible anxity and felt really down but I carried on for my sons sake. My wife and my son were pretty horrible to me which was very hurtful.
Anyway after about 4 years of arguing I gave my wife a ultimatium to stop nit picking and controlling me and all that did was make her angry. I didnt really want to leave her, it was more a idle threat for her to change but instead She started getting divroce papers ready. After 4 months of what I thought was a hopless battle I just gave up and left.
When I say controlling, I mean she controlled all the money, questioned everything I did, accused me of having affairs, and erupted in anger if I questioned anything she said.
I went back to the UK as I had no family and no support. I struggled for a long time, my ex divorced me then after a few months wanted contact. I did that for my sons sake but then my ex wanted me to come home. I thought that was a dumb idea and tried to move on but I couldnt.
The situation is now 18 months later I want to go home and start over. My wife was pretty mean to me and so was my son but they were my life. My problem is I have terrible anxity. I cant tell my parents or resign from my job. Im to scared to a doctor. Im like a helpless child which is weird as I was such a strong person. My ex wife bought me a ticket in april I couldnt go, Then in may I bought a ticket and got to the airport and couldnt go.
I feel like I am losing my mind. I want to go home but I cant. I did leave her once before about 7 years ago and she got me to come back and it was the same old crap again. Im not a terrible parent. I did everything for my son and he ended up being like her. She had a daughter from a previous marriege that doesnt bother with her, hasnt done since she was about 10. When I was with my ex I always worried my son would end up like the daughter, not a very nice person at all. I fought tooth and nail to stay but in the end it was all to much.
I just really dont know what to do and the anxity is ruining my life. Im pretty sure my ex was BPD. She was always very nice to me when we weren't together like on the phone but at home I seemed to be a target for her moods.
One of the things she does is book and plan trips and pay for me than demand I come back. I dont know where to turn at the moment. Shes demanding every day I come home by the weekend and she wont take no for a answer.
Dumb thing is I want to go but I cant. Id like to know what the cant go back thing is. Is is like a safety mechanism kicking in or is it just common sense.
Logged
Aussie0zborn
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 803
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #1 on:
October 03, 2013, 08:39:44 AM »
I think that's an inbuilt safety mechanism that prevents you from harming yourself any further. I wish I had it.
Why can't you tell your parents or your doctor about your abuser? "Coming out" is the first step in starting the healing process.
Logged
Surnia
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3900
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #2 on:
October 03, 2013, 12:26:23 PM »
Hi keith99
I really feel sorry, living with anxiety and feeling crazy is so hard!
I agree with Aussie - about both, the sign and coming out.
You did so much for your family, for your son. I think its time for you!
Great you could tell us here, a great first step!
Logged
“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.” Brené Brown
Traumatized
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 169
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #3 on:
October 03, 2013, 01:39:04 PM »
I want to go back too, so you're not the only one. I am suffering from major anxiety and feel like I'm losing my mind I'm in so much pain! And for what? Just to be abused again?
Logged
keith99
Offline
Posts: 53
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #4 on:
October 03, 2013, 02:42:04 PM »
I have the worst anxity ever and I feel the same, losing my mind. I miss my son, feels as if part of me died.
Logged
Justadude
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 122
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #5 on:
October 03, 2013, 03:17:26 PM »
Keith,
I will be your friend.
I too had severe anxiety, but I got it treated with medication. I had my own anxiety issues prior (childhood baggage you know), but in this situation, and your background with the no family/friends sounds similar to me.
I would highly recommend finding a caring doctor both primary and psychology to help you with your troubles. It really does make a world of difference.
Enough is enough.
Logged
keith99
Offline
Posts: 53
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #6 on:
October 04, 2013, 02:04:33 AM »
My ex is very clever and manipulating. She is really nice to me on the phone but I know deep down its just an act. She treated me like crap when we were married. I dont understand why I seem to forget how she treated me and wish to return. I know its mostly because I miss my son but he treated me like crap as well. I cant handle anxity. I seem to be in a worse state than when I was with her.
I left her in 2004 and she managed to lure me back and nothing ever changed. I feel like a terrible person for leaving my son but what choice did I have. I only stayed for his sake but it was a waste of time. She over ruled anything I did with him, I wasnt allowed to take him out or discipline him. She fed him fast food 7 days a week, despite my protests, even though I cooked him healthy food.
Anytime I raised any objections or wished to talk about things she erupted into a rage and I didnt want my son to live in that kind of environment.
When I finally reached my breaking point I told her if she doesnt change Im leaving. That seemed to make her even worse and my home life turned into hell. Instead of trying to work things out she seemed to want to crush me into submission and when that didnt work she got divorce papers.
I dont know why Im letting her get to me or even taking her calls. Her latest trick is to say that I am gay, thats why I wont come back. She was very find of making up absurd accusations.
Logged
letmeout
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 790
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #7 on:
October 04, 2013, 02:15:51 AM »
Quote from: keith99 on October 04, 2013, 02:04:33 AM
She was very find of making up absurd accusations.
Why is it that BPD people make up such absurd accusations. My ex did that too, and I swear he believed his own lies. Mine didn't accuse me of being gay, but of sleeping with gay men, and sleeping with everyone else he could think of.
Logged
SeekerofTruth
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 235
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #8 on:
October 04, 2013, 02:16:31 AM »
Keith,
I relate to much you are saying. Half of it... .word for word. I see mine now as a black widow high functioning BPD/NPD... .and still have feelings of pining at times, for soo many things.
I came across this video on youtube today and found it very insightful from an integrative - developmental point of view.
"Narcissitic Abuse - How it Occurs & How to Overcome it" 1-3.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg7DtfY8BCk
Logged
letmeout
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 790
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #9 on:
October 06, 2013, 02:31:29 AM »
Great videos, thanks for posting!
Logged
Ironmanrises
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #10 on:
October 06, 2013, 07:11:19 AM »
Keith,
If you go back... .
She will exhibit good behavior... .
Idealization... .
For x period of time.
Once she gets triggered... .
And she will.
...
She will start exhibiting the bad behavior... .
Again.
And hurt you
... .
With far more lethal words... .
With far more lethal actions... .
All specifically aimed... .
At your weaknesses... .
Where the hurt... .
Will be magnified... .
A magnitude more...
Then the previous time.
Keep her away from you.
Logged
eeyore
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: in a relationship
Posts: 5927
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #11 on:
October 06, 2013, 08:42:19 AM »
could you have your son visit you in the UK?
Logged
numb_buddha
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 42
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #12 on:
October 06, 2013, 10:10:13 AM »
Quote from: Ironmanfalls on October 06, 2013, 07:11:19 AM
Keith,
If you go back... .
She will exhibit good behavior... .
Idealization... .
For x period of time.
Once she gets triggered... .
And she will.
...
She will start exhibiting the bad behavior... .
Again.
And hurt you
... .
With far more lethal words... .
With far more lethal actions... .
All specifically aimed... .
At your weaknesses... .
Where the hurt... .
Will be magnified... .
A magnitude more...
Then the previous time.
Keep her away from you.
Truth.
Logged
willtimeheal
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: Split 4-2013 trying to work it out
Posts: 813
Re: Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
«
Reply #13 on:
October 06, 2013, 10:29:50 AM »
You have to take care of you first. If you want to go back that is fine. On some level we all do and some of us do go back. But before you do get yourself together. I went to the doctor and went on meds. Once on meds I found a great therapist who helped me work through my issues and i got stronger. I see my ex BPD at work everyday and we are in the process of trying to work it out. She tries to pull the blame game and throws accusations at me and in the past it would have worked but now I stand on my own two feet with my head held high and put a stop to it. She knows now that crap doesn't work and she has said to me you have changed. That's right I have. I am no longer the weak pathetic person she could once push around. If you go back you have to get to that point. It's not about her. It's about you. You can't get on the plane because deep down you known that. Work on yourself. Get strong and then see where the road leads. It takes time and it is the toughest battle you will ever fight but it is worth it.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Am I the only idoit who actually wants to go back
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...