Went to therapy for the first time. Therapist made me angry. Agree?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I told my therapist my entire story. I have the typical BPD story. I explained to her the rages, the quick mood swings. i explained to her about the honeymoon period. I explained my exboyfriend was fine for the first 4 months. I explained to her the recycling, the drug use. I explained it all.

What was her response? Her exact response was, "you are obsessed with him. You are codependent." Then she said, "he pretended for 4 months. He finally caved in."

SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. Was my boyfriend PRETENDING all that time we spent together? Was he pretending when he said he loved me. Was he pretending when I met his mother? Was he PRTENDING all that time?

I saw my boyfriend try to fight this disease. I watched him grapple and try to fight his emotions, his outburts. I watched him disolve in front of my very eyes... . and HE WAS PRETENDING?

After she told me all that. She told me the focus should be on recovering myself. I understand all of that... . I guess I was looking for [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url]?

She told me, "it doesn't matter what label you put on it. he was crazy."

ugh. Should I go elsewhere?

I am angry. Do I have the right to be?

[Rocknut]

I told my therapist my entire story. I have the typical BPD story. I explained to her the rages, the quick mood swings. i explained to her about the honeymoon period. I explained my exboyfriend was fine for the first 4 months. I explained to her the recycling, the drug use. I explained it all.

What was her response? Her exact response was, "you are obsessed with him. You are codependent." Then she said, "he pretended for 4 months. He finally caved in."

SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. Was my boyfriend PRETENDING all that time we spent together? Was he pretending when he said he loved me. Was he pretending when I met his mother? Was he PRTENDING all that time?

I saw my boyfriend try to fight this disease. I watched him grapple and try to fight his emotions, his outburts. I watched him disolve in front of my very eyes... . and HE WAS PRETENDING?

After she told me all that. She told me the focus should be on recovering myself. I understand all of that... . I guess I was looking for [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url]?

She told me, "it doesn't matter what label you put on it. he was crazy."

ugh. Should I go elsewhere?

I am angry. Do I have the right to be?

[heyhey]

I wouldnt go elsewhere yet.  Confront her about haw she made you feel during your next session.  If she is not understanding about it, then i would look for another T.  Some therapists are straight forward and blunt, mine is.  However for your first session she could have been more understanding about what youre going through.

Take care

[MontyD]

I think it was a poor choice of words.  I think "experimenting" would have been better.

From my study of BPD, they go from one relationship to another to try to find the right one that fulfils their need to be able to attach.  BPD is also an attachment disorder.  Of course, in the real world, there is nobody they can attach to.

He was just trying you out to see if you were the one.

My ex is going on 51, and told me she has had hundreds of relationships and none lasted more than 4 months.  I was the longest, 3 years, and only lasted that long because I recognised her BPD.

It is OK to be angry, it is because you are hurt. Your therapist didn't hurt you. Your bf has.

I would pop over and read this, and especially what "2010" has to say. Once you get your head around this stuff (BPD), you will find some relief from the pain and anger.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548181

Once you understand the disorder, you will then understand why the best course of action is to get away from the person with BPD.

Monty

[lockedout]

I don't think he was "pretending"; I don't think BPDers have the skills to pretend that well. For all intents and purposes they are, but it's not intentional. Idealization is the more correct term. They feel a persistent sense of abandonment. When they come across someone they "trust", they begin the idealization phase by playing the part of someone who just wants to be "loveable". It's the nice front they put up to get you under their spell. When they start to feel a sense of abandonment as you begin to establish healthy boundaries, the true side of them comes out. They act out on their fears that you see their flaws and perceive them as a "bad" person; mostly by projecting their faults onto you. The end stage is devaluation, aka "painting black". This happens when they've beaten you down to a point that there's nothing left to do for you to become a "good" companion.

I tend to agree with her wanting you to focus on yourself. You went through a really traumatic time in your life and dwelling on what happened in the relationship or trying to nail down whether he was BPD, NPD, antisocial, etc is not what's going to heal you. She's nipping any dwellings on the past and it may just be her treatment approach. Good therapy is work and you shouldn't always walk away feeling great; if you do, that means she's just rolling with what you say and not confronting the issues.

If your house burns to the ground there's not much you can do. You dig and dig and try to find usable material to rebuild, try to salvage your prized possessions but they're most likely ashes or completely unrecognizable. You'll waste tedious hours and risk your health and safety. You can ponder the cause of the fire over and over and thing of what happened, find out who did it if it's arson, etc but even if you do the house is still gone. Sometimes you just need to grab your insurance check, clear the lot, and build a new one and forget about the rest.

I think I like this therapist.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Rocknut,

I can't speak for your therapist, but what I take it to mean is that your boyfriend 'pretended' to be someone without an attachment disorder for 4 months.  He finally caved in to his impulses (or lack of impulse control); aka BPD.  Without the proper treatment, BPD with all its disordered mechanisms, will come shining through.

[delgato]

Hi Rocknut,

I can't speak for your therapist, but what I take it to mean is that your boyfriend 'pretended' to be someone without an attachment disorder for 4 months.  He finally caved in to his impulses (or lack of impulse control); aka BPD.  Without the proper treatment, BPD with all its disordered mechanisms, will come shining through.

Agreed.

I've noticed that pwBPD can't keep up the facade forever. It's too much for them to handle after a while, & at some point the BPD will rear its ugly head. Especially when "threatened" with emotional/psychological intimacy.


What he felt towards you was love, at least his version of what love is supposed to be, i.e., the honeymoon.

[Rocknut]

She went on to say, "he was just mean."

She said some pretty conflicting and abrasive things. First she said, "he pretended those 4 months. he's just mean. He couldn't keep up the person you wanted him to be forever."

She repeated , "hes just mean" at least twice.

Then I told her If he was just mean, why did he keep our pictures up on his wall? Why did he write about me in his private journal, about how great I was. Why did he keep all my cards, etc?

Then she went on to say, "stop trying to put a label on it. He is just looney. Stop torturing yourself."

So which is it? Is he looney or mean.

She really confused and irritated me!

[Clearmind]

The therapist choice of words is maybe not as important as the feelings/emotions it has brought up for you. Words are tangible - arguable - we can always "justify" them - feelings/emotions are harder to describe and feel because they bring up a whole host of feelings of vulnerability and shame - however its necessary to break this down without analysing semantics.

1. we can run from the feelings/emotions

2. work through them (whilst loving ourselves in the process)

Many of our partners, if they are in fact BPD – mirror. Should you be angry – yes! Your BF has not been kind to you – Should you be angry at your therapist – I don’t know! Lets work with the fact that you are.

Lets reframe the "he is mean" comment. Your therapist is stating a fact and you my friend are reacting emtionally. That is OK - you have every right to be emotional - check in with you though on who the anger is to be directed at.

Your BF tried the best way he could through the mask of his own deep feelings of shame and inadequacy. He has little or no sense of self – he mirrored you to fulfil his part time self. Its common to want to still protect them - even after they discard us. I sense you protecting him against your therapist. Why are you protecting?

It is hard to take on information we really don’t want to hear.

Rocknut, it’s possible you are now blaming yourself for your BF’s actions/behaviour. When I went to therapy I wanted her to say how bad my ex was, how horrible he had been to me, how he abused me and how he lied and manipulated me. Her response “Clearmind, I hear everything you had to say – now can we look at why you thought that treatment was OK and why you felt you deserved it”.  My anger at her was transferring the anger I had for my ex onto my therapist? My therapist is not responsible for my anger – I am responsible for my emotional reactions.

RN, I am sorry you are hurting. Therapy is tough, it opens up wounds, we sometimes feel vulnerable, we go through some very trying times. Work through your emotions don’t run from them. Often we feel tremendous shame when we come out these relationships – this shame can cause a reactionary response. Pause, breathe, process, sit with it.

[Rocknut]

I guess what hurts the most is that I'm trying my best to put logic behind the whole sitatuion. It's much easier for me to believe he is BPD, or suffering from other crippling severe mental illness. The things I saw... . The way I saw him fight his own emotions... . One day he yelled at me, told me to leave. As i got up he instantly grabbed my leg and told me not to go. Then as I left he screamed at me. I would hear him talk in a childlike voice at various times.

This is more than just "being mean."... . and I like to have driven myself insane trying to figure it out

[OTH]

I guess what hurts the most is that I'm trying my best to put logic behind the whole sitatuion. It's much easier for me to believe he is BPD, or suffering from other crippling severe mental illness. The things I saw... . The way I saw him fight his own emotions... . One day he yelled at me, told me to leave. As i got up he instantly grabbed my leg and told me not to go. Then as I left he screamed at me. I would hear him talk in a childlike voice at various times.

This is more than just "being mean."... . and I like to have driven myself insane trying to figure it out

I would guess your therapist is trying to focus on your issues and not you ex's problems. It is difficult for a therapist to get a patient to focus on their own healing when they have been hurt by someone else. You weren't treated well by this person yet you are still focused on them and their issues. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings. It sucks to be treated so horribly. Yet, great reason to drop it and never look back. What makes you look back?

[Rocknut]

My therapist says im codependent and a fixer.

Im 27. This was my first relationship. I was a virgin until I met this guy. I fell hook line and sinker. Then as I watched hi disolve, I became obsessed with trying to figure it out. I KNOW things will never be like they used to be. But I deeply troubled by the fact that the man I loved so much will probably spend the rest of his life in ruin.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Your therapist sounds like my ex therapist. She'd say thing that I thought weren't very insightful all the time. Things that didn't scratch the surface. It turned out she didn't know anything about BPD, really. I mean, she'd read about it, but she didn't GET it. I continually felt she couldn't go deeply into the whole thing, so I dumped her finally. Very glad about that decision. Knowing what I know now, I'd dump your T in a second.

[MontyD]

But I deeply troubled by the fact that the man I loved so much will probably spend the rest of his life in ruin.

Rocknut, if your man is a pwBPD, he will survive. He has survived up 'till now and survive into the future, as long as there are enough women on the planet he can test. To see if he can attatch.

You were never going to help him, save him or fix him.

Don't worry about him, what about your survival ?

Monty

[GreenMango]

I guess what hurts the most is that I'm trying my best to put logic behind the whole sitatuion ... .  I like to have driven myself insane trying to figure it out

You can really rack your brain trying to make sense of the disorder.  It's a study in contradictions.  I'd be nervous for you if it was totally understandable and seemingly normal.  Go easy on yourself here.  Sometimes just telling yourself much of it won't make sense, it hurts, and allowing yourself the leeway to not be okay with things is okay too.

Here's the thing... .  don't quit therapy.  She was blunt.  It wasn't what you wanted to hear.  It was shock.  She could have phrased it more gently-she didn't.  She did shock therapy.  It jarred you.  This may have been her intent.  It sounds like the codependent thing upset you.  Maybe ask her more about this and some clarification.

I'm guessing you are paying her good money or insurance premiums and limited visits to help you.   She can't help or figure him out - he's not in her office, but you are.  You are her priority, your future, your functioning.  My experience therapist's don't always tell you what you want to hear, or are always validating, or our friend - they are mechanics for the mind. 

Most people don't go to a therapist when they are feeling awesome - we go when things aren't so hot and we are more emotional.  This can make us a more sensitive than normal.  Give her a spin.  If it doesn't start jiving in a few sessions maybe then start looking elsewhere. 

[VeryFree]

I think it's not about your T.

I think it's not about your x.

I think it's about you.

Work on yourself, don't try to focus on words or behavior of others. Look inside.

Take care.

[Clearmind]

A therapists role is not to make an armchair diagnoses of a person who is not in the room.

Rocknut often we need a diagnoses that our partners are BPD.

Can I ask what is YOUR goal in therapy?

[mrclear]

This post might do some more explaining: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200618.0

However, I would be careful about throwing out your T after the first visit. Although "looney", "crazy" and "mean" are not exactly clinical terms, she seems like she's on your side. Another thing I'd be careful with is coming up with your own theories. It's the T's job to do that, not yours... .  I would stick it out. If your T just keeps going on about how looney or crazy your ex is, you can always change.

Truth is, very few therapists are really intricately familiar with BPD. I was lucky enough to find one who deals specifically with ex-partners of BPD. You need someone who can give you answers and explain the dysfunctional behavior of BPD. Once you put that into perspective, it becomes easier to start working on yourself and find out why you chose this relationship.

Co-dependancy is a symptom of the BPD-relationship. I would translate "fixer" with care-giver. People with these traits often find themselves in relationships with Borderliners. I had the same. The real work needs to be done finding out why/where you have aquired these traits. I'm not a T and won't dare to presume, but you might need to look at your past, especially your child-hood. I did it and it was mind-blowing, but , in the end very simple. It opened up so many doors for me!

Just know that you are valuable person, worthy of love. You didn't deserve this toxic relationship and it's not your fault.

atb, mrclear

[LosingIt2]

I stuck it out with a T for 3 months even though I didn't get a good vibe from day one. We had the occasional good session, but we never clicked. Maybe it was his presentation, or he actually didn't get me. They are human and if she doesn't seem helpful, you shoudl a)say that to her (like everyone has said) and b) think about finding a different T. Thats just my personal experience. My new T and I have a much better dynamic that works for me, the result is feeling like he "gets me". That's pretty important IMO.

[marbleloser]

She's sizing you up.She painted your bf black for you ,to see if you saw him as all of this.

You didn't bite,and instead told her he wasn't just the "mean,looney" person.That should tell her you don't see things in either black and white and that you're still attached emotionally.

Her job is assess you,not your ex.He's not there in therapy with you.She's right about the obsessing.We all have at one time or we wouldn't be here.What she wants is for you to paint him black(this helps in recovery) so that you can focus on yourself and your own recovery.

That's my take anyway.

[Rocknut]

It's late and I missed some posts... .  Did you post how long you had seen the therapist? How are you sure your boyfriend is BPD? I'm sorry if I missed something. If he's not then it's a different story.

My therapist says im codependent and a fixer.

Im 27. This was my first relationship. I was a virgin until I met this guy. I fell hook line and sinker. Then as I watched hi disolve, I became obsessed with trying to figure it out. I KNOW things will never be like they used to be. But I deeply troubled by the fact that the man I loved so much will probably spend the rest of his life in ruin.

I went in to this session having done countless hours of reading on BPD, my interaction. I took psychology in college. I am BY NO MEANS AT ALL an expert. But I am familiar with psychological basics.

I knew going in that I am codependent. This was by no means a shock as someone said. I figured out I was codependent shortly after my boyfriend split me in to black. Why am I codependent. Could it be my father beat the hell out of me as a child? Could it be because I had an over-bearing somewhat crazy mother with bipolarism? Could it be I was tortured as a teen for being over weight and gay? Who knows? I'm my own psychological mystery. This is why I finally seeked help.

Before my relationship with my BPD boyfriend last september, I really had no experience in dating.I used to be 400 pounds as a teenager. I was a loner. I lost weight. I gained confidence. It took me years to gain self esteem and trust. So I finally started dating last year.I lightly dated one guy February-April of 2012. He didn't work out mainly because neither of us were really ready, or had the time. We had a healthy parting of ways. We are friends today. He gives me advice.

Then I met my BPD in september. It was like magic. He came out to me at the restaurant he worked at. He wrote down his number on a cookie bag and gave it to me. We met the next day. We kissed the first night we met. He drew me in something fierce. It was FIERCE. Within 1 week we were engaging in sexual acts. Within 1 week he was telling me he had "looked for me his entire life. He couldnt believe he found me." He wrote me a letter one time that said, "i found like a lost lonely boy wandering in darkness before you saved me." yadda yadda yadda



Then he went on to tell me dark secrets really early in the relationship, like 3 weeks in, about how his father molested him. "but it's my fault because i went back for more." Then he went on to tell me, "i molested a 5 year old boy when i was 11. I feel disgusting." He also told me he moved here to Alabama to escape his drug life in california. He was a "wake n bake" addict that spent all his money on POT.

Around christmas he started to break. He lives here in Alabama with his distant relatives. He said he missed his mom in california... . then... . He relapsed on pot.  He had been clean in alabama for 8 months... . then he relapsed at christmas. On January 7th he had a massive blow up on me, "i will smoke pot when i want to. i rushed in to this relationship. i need my space." yadda yadda



This is when he started acting very odd. I met his mother on January 20th. After that, he basically cut off communication and started getting high 24/7. By February 20th, exactly 1 month later, he said, "im tired of trying to please you. i need my space."... . yadda... .  yadda

I didnt hear from him for the next 11 days. Finally, March 3rd, I went to his house. I found him in the backyard tool shed half naked, stonned out of his mind, sitting on top of a mop bucket. I drug him back in his house. He said the following, "I have treated you like . I have done my best to push you away. Why wont you leave me alone?" I said, "im not leaving you alone to do drugs." He said, "oh you wont leave me alone? That's what I love about you!

After this encounter I delved in to a nasty world. I finally saw who he was. I would say, "do you love me?" He would say, "no... . I feel dead inside... . I have feelings for nothing." He would say he wanted to "sleep and never wake up." He also kept repeating the phrase, "i hate being an adult He said this over and over.

I could type 10 pages. It didn't get any better. The most TELLING and strongest aspect of his behavior was PUSH PULL. He would call me, tell me he loved me. Then I would go to his house and he would say, "i don't have feelings for you! Why are you here?"

The most horrifying experience I had was on March 26th. I went to his house. He wouldn't unlock the door because, "i wasnt his man." Finally he let me in. We laid in his bed. He yelled at me and told me to leave. I got up to leave, he pulled for me to come back. I said "you wanted me to leave!" He said, "no... . i dont know what i want!... .  GO AWAY!" Then as I walked he grabbed for me to come back

It didn't get any better from here... . so yes... . im pretty certain it was BPD

[Rocknut]

What haunts me about the whole thing is I felt him fighting this BPD coming in. I swear to god I saw him fighting these demons. After his first blow up on me, he went to a local psychiatrist. Well, he impulsively went without consulting me. He went to a guy known for being a crook. The guy charged him 300$ and gave him adderol and sleeping pills because my BOYFRIEND told the guy his mind was racing and he couldnt sleep.

Then... . the worst part. I did snooping when he started going BPD. I found his private journal. In his private journal he had locked in a safe, it said, "I have the best boyfriend ever. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

This was his private journal he had locked in a safe. So if he was really pretending, or just mean, he wouldnt have written this in his own private journal.

I'm haunted by the fact that he really loved me in my own mind... . that he was finally taken over

[Rocknut]

Complicated huh

[Free One]

I wouldnt go elsewhere yet.  Confront her about haw she made you feel during your next session.  If she is not understanding about it, then i would look for another T.  Some therapists are straight forward and blunt, mine is.  However for your first session she could have been more understanding about what youre going through.

Take care

I agree with this. Confront the T and see how you feel about the response. If you still feel uncomfortable, find a new T. You have to be able to trust the T to get anywhere.

Although, I also believe to label you codependent on your first session is a bit of a  . It may or may not be true, but I am always cautious about a diagnosis made without the context of time. As a new patient, the T could have focused more on establishing trust, getting to know YOU and making you comfortable with the process.

While we would all like to trust that T's are professionals and know what they are doing, the reality is some of them don't. I know first hand how damaging a T can be when they don't know what they are doing. It's very devastating.

[slimmiller]

Your therapist sounds like my ex therapist. She'd say thing that I thought weren't very insightful all the time. Things that didn't scratch the surface. It turned out she didn't know anything about BPD, really. I conI mean, she'd read about it, but she didn't GET it. tinually felt she couldn't go deeply into the whole thing, so I dumped her finally. Very glad about that decision. Knowing what I know now, I'd dump your T in a second.

It blows me away that one goes to college and takes practicums etc and gets a license in counseling and they know NOTHING about BPD. Is it that rare and do they not even touch on it in college? I dont know but think that most therapists/counselors should at least recognize the fact they DONT understand it if they dont.

My T (when I was still seeing her) too could not grasp what I tried to tell her and I too was only trying to validate that I was not crazy. I was not trying to excuse her (my exBPD's) behaviour but rather come to grips with it.

So in the end, back to the original post, your T is partially correct though. Your ex did PRETEND in a sense for four month to be something he is NOT.

My ex was a good loyal loving partner for about three years of our 12 years together. The raging, screaming, cheating, lying and cold harded emotional monster of a parent that she is now, is the REAL her. The person I fell in love with is/was not real. She is now the real her.

That fact hurts but its the best way I can accept the truth of the matter.

I found it was futile to try and explain things to my T (especially in using labels such as BPD, splitting etc) instead she told me I was trying to rationalize and irrational mind. That we could both agree on

[Rocknut]

Your therapist sounds like my ex therapist. She'd say thing that I thought weren't very insightful all the time. Things that didn't scratch the surface. It turned out she didn't know anything about BPD, really. I conI mean, she'd read about it, but she didn't GET it. tinually felt she couldn't go deeply into the whole thing, so I dumped her finally. Very glad about that decision. Knowing what I know now, I'd dump your T in a second.

I found it was futile to try and explain things to my T (especially in using labels such as BPD, splitting etc) instead she told me I was trying to rationalize and irrational mind. That we could both agree on

Well, thats exactly what my T said. She actually said, "crazy is crazy. why put a label on it? He has plenty of things wrong with him"

[Clearmind]

Rocknut, to calm some waters here. You are getting varied views here.

What do you want out of therapy?

[Rocknut]

Rocknut, to calm some waters here. You are getting varied views here.

What do you want out of therapy?

Good question. I wanted to spill my guts about my ex with BPD. I wanted her to listen. She didn't have to agree that he had BPD. But I wanted her to at least awknowledge my deep emotional wounds.

My therapist interrupted me half way through my spill about my ex and said, "you're obsessed with him."

Then she said, "familiar with the term codependent?"

I was pretty angry she didnt let me finish before she was labeling me and telling me what I am. Of course I know these things... . but was that really what she was supposed to do?

I guess I wanted validation. I wanted her to awknowledge my wounds. She didn't even do that. She acted very nonchalantly about it. I said, "how could someone pretend to be something they're not for 4 months." She shrugged and said, "well I had a client that was married to 15 years to a husband that pretended the whole time."

The whole experience just seemed very off setting.

[Clearmind]

The whole experience just seemed very off setting.

You felt invalidated I understand - that is how you feel and its valid.

The role of a therapist is to help facilitate us, in time, to see our role in the dysfunction. This is not about laying blame on you or your ex – its about you and your history that brought you to the relationship.

I agree that it’s important to feel safe so we unpack all of our emotions before we can begin rebuilding them.

You have asked members here whether they agree with your assessment of your therapist and how you feel about it – we cannot answer that for you Rocknut - however we can give you some perspective for you to consider – where you go from here is completely up to you.

There maybe a lesson here for us – believe in our experience and seek out alternatives rather than feeling obligated to stick with the status quo. Fear, obligation and guilt is often what brought us into our relationships to begin with. It’s a pattern of pervasive thinking.

If we ask the members a question i.e. Agree? As indicated in your title we will get varying views which will naturally be based on their own bias and personal experience – at some point the answer needs to come from you.  We can only provide perspective on what you provide. Tone and intent are often missing when we use written word – they are open to interpretation.

So, what is your gut telling you?

(1)   Visit your therapist for another session to really cement in your mind where you sit with it?

(2)   Seek a second therapist?

If you were to choose another therapist how will go about inquiring whether they are a good fit for you?

[Rocknut]

I'm going to take the advice of some that posted earlier. I'm going to tell her how I feel about the first session. I'm going to tell her what I typed here. If she acts just as abrasive as previously, I won't be back.

[Clearmind]

That sounds like a plan - when is your next therapy session?

Therapy is for you - you get to decide its direction.