Well... Spent NYE having WW3 with the ex and her new guy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

They will make up stories to bring out the rescuer in the next one. I was told she was raped, which brought out incredible feelings of rage and caretaking

Same thing happened to me. I was never accused of rape but plenty of other things. I ran right to her rescue too.

I also agree it's feels good to say your goodbyes Joshuaua. It would be nice if they thought like we do and said goodbye too. She may but that's more likely just how she will feel at that moment. As long as we continue to play the back and forth game it's more likely that they will not stop for a very long time. My ex still contacted an ex from time to time from 10 years prior. My naive self thought at the time that they were just still friends. 

. Ya I've already realized that mine says things about me that aren't true. I also realized she says things about her ex of 7 years that where never true. For years she said he was abusive and told me all kinda of stories. She told me a story of how he threw a plate of spaghetti at her...   I was talking to this ex of hers the other day and he told me it was actually her that did that. She also tells this new bf of hers that I treated her like ___... Meanwhile I would make her romantic dinners and buy flowers and she'd eat... Have a few drinks and within an hour I was a "stupid ___ing 24 year old. You think I don't know what you're up to?"  Yet I treated her like ___. I also accidentally got her pregnant before the final breakup... She now tells people that it was rape because i didn't pull out...   The list goes on and on. My ex also still calls her previous ex of 7 years from a private number and just listens when he answers. So I'll prob never be off the hook with her until i block her phone.

[Joshuaua]

They will make up stories to bring out the rescuer in the next one. I was told she was raped, which brought out incredible feelings of rage and caretaking

Same thing happened to me. I was never accused of rape but plenty of other things. I ran right to her rescue too.

I also agree it's feels good to say your goodbyes Joshuaua. It would be nice if they thought like we do and said goodbye too. She may but that's more likely just how she will feel at that moment. As long as we continue to play the back and forth game it's more likely that they will not stop for a very long time. My ex still contacted an ex from time to time from 10 years prior. My naive self thought at the time that they were just still friends. 

. Ya I've already realized that mine says things about me that aren't true. I also realized she says things about her ex of 7 years that where never true. For years she said he was abusive and told me all kinda of stories. She told me a story of how he threw a plate of spaghetti at her...   I was talking to this ex of hers the other day and he told me it was actually her that did that. She also tells this new bf of hers that I treated her like ___... Meanwhile I would make her romantic dinners and buy flowers and she'd eat... Have a few drinks and within an hour I was a "stupid ___ing 24 year old. You think I don't know what you're up to?"  Yet I treated her like ___. I also accidentally got her pregnant before the final breakup... She now tells people that it was rape because i didn't pull out...   The list goes on and on. My ex also still calls her previous ex of 7 years from a private number and just listens when he answers. So I'll prob never be off the hook with her until i block her phone.

[Joshuaua]

They will make up stories to bring out the rescuer in the next one. I was told she was raped, which brought out incredible feelings of rage and caretaking

Same thing happened to me. I was never accused of rape but plenty of other things. I ran right to her rescue too.

I also agree it's feels good to say your goodbyes Joshuaua. It would be nice if they thought like we do and said goodbye too. She may but that's more likely just how she will feel at that moment. As long as we continue to play the back and forth game it's more likely that they will not stop for a very long time. My ex still contacted an ex from time to time from 10 years prior. My naive self thought at the time that they were just still friends. 

but ya you're right. Saying goodbyes is relieving and satisfying for us. To them it's meaningless. She won't reply to it at all I know her as what she's like. She's unaffected by appealing to her emotions or anything. Someday down te road tho she'll be in a sad frame of mind and will read it and call. I won't answer

[mywifecrazy]

I think she learned a life lesson her self... Don't cheat. And don't consistently try and hurt someone when you know they have something in their back pocket like I did.

Caution, she doesn't think like you do. YOU would have learned this lesson.

Yes... I agree. She has learned nothing here. She just got caught is all.

My ex repeatedly baited me to engage in this stuff. I just wouldn't play. She was living with my replacement and did a quadruple drive-bye (I was outside putting my MTB on my car) and she pulled in behind my car... .she opened the door and started to get out while I immediately started asking if she wad still "with" my replacement (in a stern voice)... she said yes and I said "GOOD bye".

She never stood up... .it looked like she was on a string and someone pulled her back in the car... all in one motion. (5-year old children usually obey a strong command).  It just about killed me to take care of me... .I truly loved her very deeply... .It ruined my year... .driving her away... .but my T was very proud of me for not playing her selfish games, and taking care of me.  I know now that she is mentally ill... .but try to convince my heart of that!

It is such a horrible trauma to go through... .at least it was for me.

The best you can do for you is to just stay away from the sickness. It will just get worse and wackier.

Good for you Infared. That had to be hard. It's amazing their lack of boundaries! You're right, the best way to learn how do deal with them is first coming to an understanding that they are mentally ill ang go from there.

MWC... .

[Mr.Downtrodden]

If the situation warrants, these BPD people need to be exposed in front of others.

I applaud the OP for telling the supposed BF what had transpired.  i wish someone had done the same for me at the time, before it was too late and i had gotten involved.

The more these folks are confronted as to the fallout of their own choices, perhaps they will get the message and try to get some help, instead of trashing people's lives / emotions / hopes under the guise of "I'm mentally ill".

sometimes i think giving a free pass due to "mental illness" is a bit too much.

[mywifecrazy]

They will make up stories to bring out the rescuer in the next one. I was told she was raped, which brought out incredible feelings of rage and caretaking

Same thing happened to me. I was never accused of rape but plenty of other things. I ran right to her rescue too.

I also agree it's feels good to say your goodbyes Joshuaua. It would be nice if they thought like we do and said goodbye too. She may but that's more likely just how she will feel at that moment. As long as we continue to play the back and forth game it's more likely that they will not stop for a very long time. My ex still contacted an ex from time to time from 10 years prior. My naive self thought at the time that they were just still friends. 

but ya you're right. Saying goodbyes is relieving and satisfying for us. To them it's meaningless. She won't reply to it at all I know her as what she's like. She's unaffected by appealing to her emotions or anything. Someday down te road tho she'll be in a sad frame of mind and will read it and call. I won't answer

It's amazing that they all seem to operate from the same playbook. I too was falsely accused of raping my uBPDxw. When I First met her she she accused her current BF of raping her. I now know it was a lie but back then I went right into my rescuer mode which is exactly what she wanted. UNREAL... .I was naive and never thought a woman would lie about such a thing. Reading these stories makes me sick!

MWC... .

[Joshuaua]

If the situation warrants, these BPD people need to be exposed in front of others.

I applaud the OP for telling the supposed BF what had transpired.  i wish someone had done the same for me at the time, before it was too late and i had gotten involved.

The more these folks are confronted as to the fallout of their own choices, perhaps they will get the message and try to get some help, instead of trashing people's lives / emotions / hopes under the guise of "I'm mentally ill".

sometimes i think giving a free pass due to "mental illness" is a bit too much.

she all but begged me to tell him. Why she would put me on the phone with him after I said "you didn't tell him the truth at all did you?" Is beyond me. She had to have known I was going to tell him. She used him to hurt me for weeks and told him it was me calling her when he checked her phone. She snuck away to call me. He was quite surprised when he found out I'm not even able to call her and that the dates she told him we hooked up where completely wrong. He also had no idea of the other guys she sends her pictures to. The best was her calling several times after asking why I did this to her and if I'm happy that I ruined her relationship with her new BF and that I'm just hurting the new guy. All I said back was "you ruined the relationship. You're the one who cheated on him. I did him a favour by telling him" and "why would you put me in the phone with him after saying the kind of ___ you just said". She had no concept that she did him wrong. She sees it as my fault for telling him, not her fault for doing it in the first place. I think she wanted me to tell him. And wanted me in her life even if it's negative.

[Joshuaua]

They will make up stories to bring out the rescuer in the next one. I was told she was raped, which brought out incredible feelings of rage and caretaking

Same thing happened to me. I was never accused of rape but plenty of other things. I ran right to her rescue too.

I also agree it's feels good to say your goodbyes Joshuaua. It would be nice if they thought like we do and said goodbye too. She may but that's more likely just how she will feel at that moment. As long as we continue to play the back and forth game it's more likely that they will not stop for a very long time. My ex still contacted an ex from time to time from 10 years prior. My naive self thought at the time that they were just still friends. 

but ya you're right. Saying goodbyes is relieving and satisfying for us. To them it's meaningless. She won't reply to it at all I know her as what she's like. She's unaffected by appealing to her emotions or anything. Someday down te road tho she'll be in a sad frame of mind and will read it and call. I won't answer

It's amazing that they all seem to operate from the same playbook. I too was falsely accused of raping my uBPDxw. When I First met her she she accused her current BF of raping her. I now know it was a lie but back then I went right into my rescuer mode which is exactly what she wanted. UNREAL... .I was naive and never thought a woman would lie about such a thing. Reading these stories makes me sick!

MWC... .

I also told her to never try and score points with her new guy at my expense. In other words don't blame your actions on me just so he'll hear you saying it and think you're not lying cause I'll gladly tell him the truth.  These people almost seem sociopathic or atleast extremely concerned with their own interests only.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't even care anymore.

 and then, less than 24 hours later

I love the girl very much, I hate the drama, and I hate that she has a new guy. It hurts. I miss her and we've only known she has BPD for a few weeks.

And then

I just wrote her a big email saying goodbye to her.

Be careful man, you're still caught up in it, we've all been there.  I know that was a closure email meant to be the end, and good for you if you felt you needed to send it, and for knowing that

She'll reach out to me again.  And I won't be taking the bait this time.

.

 

"am I a better version of myself with her?"  The answer is no.

 Great question and appropriate answer.  You're going to need questions like that to keep your focus on what you really want moving forward, and it will also help if you make a list of all of the unacceptable crap she pulled, and read it and add to it as much as you need to stay focused.  The hardest part of breaking any addiction is at the beginning, it will always get easier with time.

As we work through and process the trauma and abuse we were subject to in these relationships, it's easy to get away from the fact that our partners were emotionally underdeveloped, need-driven and shame-based, and terrified of abandonment, the fallout of mental illness, and all of the behaviors come out of that.  :)o we blame someone for causing pain when they are literally incapable of connecting with how they make other people feel?  Yes, we do, since anger is a stage of grieving and a healthy response to abuse, as long as once we're done being pissed we reconnect with the facts of the disorder and the limitations of its sufferers.

[Suzn]

she all but begged me to tell him. Why she would put me on the phone with him after I said "you didn't tell him the truth at all did you?" Is beyond me. She had to have known I was going to tell him.

Joshuaua part of the problem WE face is trying to make sense of disordered behavior. WE run ourselves ragged trying to figure out the why's.

Keeping track of all the clowns in a circus is a big job for a pwBPD. I myself was one of those clowns at one time. I remained inside the ring, running around in circles. It's only when we step outside that ring when things start making sense. Bpd behaviors tell a story, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. Idolization, engulfment and then devaluation. That's why you hear here on these boards a lot that these behaviors are scripted. They are and the behaviors are predictable, with some variations.

Make no mistake, trying to make sense of all of this is very normal and a part of the process. I mean, we all go through that part of it. Our emotions get in the way in the beginning, we want to find a point where we can stop and refocus on ourselves. Isn't that what we all wish THEY could do?

You're right, the best way to learn how do deal with them is first coming to an understanding that they are mentally ill ang go from there.

This is a good point though I might change this statement just a tiny bit. If one was staying in a r/s this would be spot on however if we are trying to disengage this statement might suit US better by thinking the best way for us to heal and grow is by first coming to the understanding that WE were involved with someone who is mentally ill or disordered and go from there.

It's amazing their lack of boundaries!

The second step in healing and growing is coming to terms with OUR amazing lack of boundaries. I mean, let's face it, who is handing out those free passes on allowing someone to hurt us?

Joshuaua the only way out is out. It hurts, a lot. The difference between a non and a pwBPD is that at some point we CAN sit still and feel that pain all the way through to the other side. You are witnessing HER trying to keep her head above water since she can't sit with her emotions, they are too overwhelming. She has zero healthy coping skills.

So how do WE get past our own overwhelming hurt? What are healthy coping skills? Our feelings have been hurt deeply. Crying is an appropriate response. Grieving the loss is normal and healthy. Giving ourselves time to grieve this loss and focusing on our lack of boundaries before WE jump into another r/s to kill that pain is part of a healthy path.

(The five stages of Detachment is a great part of this path. Check it out over to the right of your screen ---->

So glad to hear that you have found a T Joshuaua. This person will be very helpful to you. I see my T as a teacher and is skilled at teaching me how to stay outside of any circus rings.

 

[Mr.Downtrodden]

They will make up stories to bring out the rescuer in the next one. I was told she was raped, which brought out incredible feelings of rage and caretaking

Same thing happened to me. I was never accused of rape but plenty of other things. I ran right to her rescue too.

I also agree it's feels good to say your goodbyes Joshuaua. It would be nice if they thought like we do and said goodbye too. She may but that's more likely just how she will feel at that moment. As long as we continue to play the back and forth game it's more likely that they will not stop for a very long time. My ex still contacted an ex from time to time from 10 years prior. My naive self thought at the time that they were just still friends. 

but ya you're right. Saying goodbyes is relieving and satisfying for us. To them it's meaningless. She won't reply to it at all I know her as what she's like. She's unaffected by appealing to her emotions or anything. Someday down te road tho she'll be in a sad frame of mind and will read it and call. I won't answer

It's amazing that they all seem to operate from the same playbook. I too was falsely accused of raping my uBPDxw. When I First met her she she accused her current BF of raping her. I now know it was a lie but back then I went right into my rescuer mode which is exactly what she wanted. UNREAL... .I was naive and never thought a woman would lie about such a thing. Reading these stories makes me sick!

MWC... .

I also told her to never try and score points with her new guy at my expense. In other words don't blame your actions on me just so he'll hear you saying it and think you're not lying cause I'll gladly tell him the truth.  These people almost seem sociopathic or atleast extremely concerned with their own interests only.

My ex finally revealed some self-awareness on her part - so, i know that she knew exactly what she was doing when she proclaimed me to be the guy she had long been searching for.  She hooke dme in because i have empathy, i would not cheat, and I'd give love freely once she had me convinced she was the same.

She admitted she cannot draw a healthy line from intimacy to sex, etc.  She wants to sustain the spark that flames from the initial stages of a relationship but she cannot, for no reason other than her own actions. I would have been better suited to know this early on. But, she didn't want to lose me.

It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months.  And I'll bet everything i own that she's using guys to service her needs, then playing them along, or moving them to the back of her line. Last time I was with her, I saw her at her worst - and it really shattered my beliefs and messed me up as well.  A mom who almost got herself killed by her self-absorbed impulsive actions.  and i'm sure i was blamed in the end.

She gets no free pass from me.  My ex liked to drop the phrase, "It's a wake up call" after something bad / tragic.  What good is a wake up call if you do not answer it?

So, I'm left to deal with the fallout.  I have my own blame to deal with, of course.  But I am not waving a magic wand and saying things like other folks here seem to do, turning the other cheek to their SO with BPD, so to speak.

If my ex ever contacts me again, you can be sure I'll give an official 'so long, goodbye' with a terse, concise, thought out reply, ending with "get yourself help - if not for you, for your newborn kid".

[hope2727]

If the situation warrants, these BPD people need to be exposed in front of others.

I applaud the OP for telling the supposed BF what had transpired.  i wish someone had done the same for me at the time, before it was too late and i had gotten involved.

The more these folks are confronted as to the fallout of their own choices, perhaps they will get the message and try to get some help, instead of trashing people's lives / emotions / hopes under the guise of "I'm mentally ill".

sometimes i think giving a free pass due to "mental illness" is a bit too much.

I agree. Children who get caught in bad acts are required to face the consequences. Adults must be as well BPD or not.

I WISH I had the ability to reveal all my pwBPD's  bad acts. But he has been very careful to isolate me from all his compartmentalized circles. I will however not cover for his bad acts for one more second. I am responsible for my actions and he is responsible for his.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

If the situation warrants, these BPD people need to be exposed in front of others.

I applaud the OP for telling the supposed BF what had transpired.  i wish someone had done the same for me at the time, before it was too late and i had gotten involved.

The more these folks are confronted as to the fallout of their own choices, perhaps they will get the message and try to get some help, instead of trashing people's lives / emotions / hopes under the guise of "I'm mentally ill".

sometimes i think giving a free pass due to "mental illness" is a bit too much.

I agree. Children who get caught in bad acts are required to face the consequences. Adults must be as well BPD or not.

I WISH I had the ability to reveal all my pwBPD's  bad acts. But he has been very careful to isolate me from all his compartmentalized circles. I will however not cover for his bad acts for one more second. I am responsible for my actions and he is responsible for his.

If this thread was on Facebook (or, as i like to call it, Farcebook) I'd give you a like / thumbs up, hope2727

[Infared]

"It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months. "

Roger that.

... .as hard as it was for me I decided to treat ruthlessness with ruthlessness in a much more dignified way that took a lot of willpower. ABSOLUTE NC "forever" leaves that person at some level at some certain times just stuck with who they are.  If you never talk to them again... .ever... .even when they act out, act out in front of you with their new supply,  drive-bye, fake accidental run-ins, face-booking nonsense, etc. etc.etc.etc.etc... .playing their manipulative games on you continually... not one word, not one conversation... .not one retaliation... .YOU SET THE EXAMPLE.

You take care of you... .And on some level... .they know what a sh^t they are. That was the best I could do with an extremely ill person who gets no help for themselves and who just ravages other people's lives.

[hurting300]

"It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months. "

Roger that.

... .as hard as it was for me I decided to treat ruthlessness with ruthlessness in a much more dignified way that took a lot of willpower. ABSOLUTE NC "forever" leaves that person at some level at some certain times just stuck with who they are.  If you never talk to them again... .ever... .even when they act out, act out in front of you with their new supply,  drive-bye, fake accidental run-ins, face-booking nonsense, etc. etc.etc.etc.etc... .playing their manipulative games on you continually... not one word, not one conversation... .not one retaliation... .YOU SET THE EXAMPLE.

You take care of you... .And on some level... .they know what a sh^t they are. That was the best I could do with an extremely ill person who gets no help for themselves and who just ravages other people's lives.

confronting them is what will make them vanish into thin air. Trust me i know.

[Trog]

"It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months. "

Roger that.

... .as hard as it was for me I decided to treat ruthlessness with ruthlessness in a much more dignified way that took a lot of willpower. ABSOLUTE NC "forever" leaves that person at some level at some certain times just stuck with who they are.  If you never talk to them again... .ever... .even when they act out, act out in front of you with their new supply,  drive-bye, fake accidental run-ins, face-booking nonsense, etc. etc.etc.etc.etc... .playing their manipulative games on you continually... not one word, not one conversation... .not one retaliation... .YOU SET THE EXAMPLE.

You take care of you... .And on some level... .they know what a sh^t they are. That was the best I could do with an extremely ill person who gets no help for themselves and who just ravages other people's lives.

confronting them is what will make them vanish into thin air. Trust me i know.

Win-win!

I confronted mine about BPD but she's so utterly delusional she doesn't even take the medication where she has a diagnosis and it didn't stop her perusing me, however, it will certain take the shine off you, they'll be criticized, feel rumbled and be checkin on the horizon for a better deal.

[Infared]

"It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months. "

Roger that.

... .as hard as it was for me I decided to treat ruthlessness with ruthlessness in a much more dignified way that took a lot of willpower. ABSOLUTE NC "forever" leaves that person at some level at some certain times just stuck with who they are.  If you never talk to them again... .ever... .even when they act out, act out in front of you with their new supply,  drive-bye, fake accidental run-ins, face-booking nonsense, etc. etc.etc.etc.etc... .playing their manipulative games on you continually... not one word, not one conversation... .not one retaliation... .YOU SET THE EXAMPLE.

You take care of you... .And on some level... .they know what a sh^t they are. That was the best I could do with an extremely ill person who gets no help for themselves and who just ravages other people's lives.

confronting them is what will make them vanish into thin air. Trust me i know.

I disagree completely.

Confronting a self-centered, delusional, manipulative liar whom always runs a con and who takes responsibility for none of their disgusting actions is a total waste of my time and dignity.

You can't confront 7 cracked mirrors.

You certainly cannot reason with these people ... .it's an exercise in folly where you get abused.

[hurting300]

"It's these BPD people who know exactly what they are doing, yet have no desire to change.  They are quite content, if not happy, continuing to ruin and hurt others.  I have little sympathy placing full blame on BPD, and support anyone who calls out a partner if the situation warrants it. I have NC with my ex and have not heard from her in 5 months. "

Roger that.

... .as hard as it was for me I decided to treat ruthlessness with ruthlessness in a much more dignified way that took a lot of willpower. ABSOLUTE NC "forever" leaves that person at some level at some certain times just stuck with who they are.  If you never talk to them again... .ever... .even when they act out, act out in front of you with their new supply,  drive-bye, fake accidental run-ins, face-booking nonsense, etc. etc.etc.etc.etc... .playing their manipulative games on you continually... not one word, not one conversation... .not one retaliation... .YOU SET THE EXAMPLE.

You take care of you... .And on some level... .they know what a sh^t they are. That was the best I could do with an extremely ill person who gets no help for themselves and who just ravages other people's lives.

confronting them is what will make them vanish into thin air. Trust me i know.

I disagree completely.

Confronting a self-centered, delusional, manipulative liar whom always runs a con and who takes responsibility for none of their disgusting actions is a total waste of my time and dignity.

You can't confront 7 cracked mirrors.

You certainly cannot reason with these people ... .it's an exercise in folly where you get abused.

I confronted mine about her behavior. Nine months not a peep.