Welp she hasn't changed/still painted black

[roberto516]

I had some finances that I was investing for her and I wanted to let her know that I would be cashing them out and sending them to her. It was a promise I made to her and I planned to hold up to my own morals about that. I also told her how I was working on myself and wanted to thank her for allowing me this rare opportunity to dig into my deep seeded fears and family dynamics and really learn who I am for the first time in my life. And then the mistake, I let her know that I found a new therapist and I am gaining even more insight into myself by talking to friends about my emotions and struggles which is something I struggled to do. Well one name I mentioned is someone we both know from work. She responded to nothing else I said except this one thing. She said.

"You talked to (insert name)? How dare you! You need help."

To really dig deep the interesting thing is that she always talked to me and used "u". I recognized that a while ago. For the first time since I can remember she said "you".

Usually that would have set me off to defend myself and put the blame on her as to why she really needed the help. Instead I explained that I saw the person in passing and we had a conversation which led to my current personal life. I then explained to her that I would still send her the check and that I wasn't angry with her because I learned that this would have been suppressed anger at parental rejection and it wouldn't be fair to her for me to rage at her ever again because of something she had nothing to do with. I also let her know that she had every right to feel however she feels about it and that I didn't spend my time talking to this person badmouthing her and that I was talking about myself and my own feelings about myself. (I guess she assumed immediately that any conversation would have been about her and how she hurt me).

Whether this next part was right or wrong I don't know. I first told her that she was correct and I did need help. I told her I still needed help disproving my faulty worldview from childhood and how that worldview continued to disrupt my present self. I told her I needed help getting over parental resentments I have and some anger issues that I have. I then explained to her that I would not be reaching out anymore and that for my own protection I would have to go no contact with her. I explained to her that many times before I thought we were finished but she reached out periodically when she needed something from me. I said that one day whoever she might be getting those needs met from now might disappoint her and I couldn't risk that I would be reached out to and that it wouldn't help me nor would it help her in our paths to healing. I explained that this wasn't being done out of hate. I also told her that I was telling her this so that she would know what was going on. I then wished her well and a hope that she finds true happiness. I sent the reply and then blocked her on the last avenue of communication I had.

I felt she needed to know that because, even though she has not initiated contact at all except once or twice since april and nothing the past month (only when she needed something) she was obviously still reading the periodic emails I would send when I had a mental slip up. A part of me believes she was still feeding her ego from me not being able to let her go and still showing her attention (as I naturally was too). It would be foolish of me to assume that she would not ever reach out to me again.

But a part of me is pained. I still see the hurt child in her based on that response. It doesn't bode well for her. As I told her everything I learned about myself I began to think (there is no way she is ever going to get this insight into herself and that sucks). Her walls are too high up to ever confront the stuff she needs to confront to heal.

I feel good about this though. I didn't send that message to her with the thought "Oh when she sees that I'm still going to send her the check she will fall in love with me again!" It really was the final loose end I wanted to tie up. I'm actually happy with myself that there was no anger reading that reply and that I really did look inward and think "She's not you parents. She's not to blame and you don't need to defend yourself or get into any argument with her."

A part of me is upset I broke NC. But it's good to know that I'm painted black, that what I have been learning about myself is somehow gaining a foothold in my brain and that I feel okay. I'm sure I'll feel bad later as I ride the waves of emotions. But I'm glad that I had no intention of trying to "win her back" or have any conversation with her other than relaying the last loose ends and connection I still had with her. I honestly feel myself detaching from her as a person more and more. The real attachment I need to break is the perceived link that these feelings have anything to do with her. In reality they have to do with deeply entrenched fears of perceived emotional rejection and abandonment from parents. That knowledge really does help in the long journey of detachment to the physical manifestation in the present of all the things from the past.

Thanks for reading.

[In a bad way]

Don't give her a penny... .Does she deserve it?... .No.
Leave her to it let her continue to f*** up her life.
I was like you when we split, I'd promised her money from the sale of my house and a good friend said why?
She doesn't deserve it, she abandoned you so why give her money?
My friend was correct.

[roberto516]

Don't give her a penny... .Does she deserve it?... .No.
Leave her to it let her continue to f*** up her life.
I was like you when we split, I'd promised her money from the sale of my house and a good friend said why?
She doesn't deserve it, she abandoned you so why give her money?
My friend was correct.

I guess I'm going for baby steps. I feel I'd be vindictive to promise smething and then say "you hurt me. I'm taking it back now!"  Thats not me. I have great financial security now.

And I'm proud I didn't respond with anger. It would have been real easy to say "I need help? I'm nt the one who can't talk about my emotions and who reached out to you because I needed xanax and homework help afyer I broke your heart. I'm not the one who has no insight into myself and who uses people for what they can do for me etc etc."

Money is jist a possession. Real wealth is going to come from looking at myself in the mirror and being either proud of myself or hate myself for my actions and resentments. BUT I see your point

[Emotions]

Yes ending things as positively as you can is liberating for yourself... .it has little or nothing to do with her... .it is for your wealth of spirit and mind to do so... .you can send the money my way and I'll be sure it goes to something good  ... .haha just kidding... .it's not about the money but about ending it in a strong and dignified way... .I like to use the phrase class act... .that is what we all want to be in the end, and i believe it is what will last a lifetime... .knowing that you/we were/are class acts facing the emotional circumstances and turmoil we were up against... .keep your head up and the light shining peeps... .

[happendtome]

Roberto, stop contacting her! We both know that its not about the morals. You dont have to give her that money. Whos money is that anyways? Its yours, not hers. And you are making this excuse to show her that you have reasons to contact her. NO!

You dont owe her anything. STOP IT and i mean it. You are downgrading yourself very fast. Dont contact her, cut all contact. Listen to your brain, shes not your soulmate, never was. In fact, she probably doesnt even like those things you like. She only lied before.

[Lucky Jim]

But a part of me is pained. I still see the hurt child in her based on that response. It doesn't bode well for her. As I told her everything I learned about myself I began to think (there is no way she is ever going to get this insight into herself and that sucks). Her walls are too high up to ever confront the stuff she needs to confront to heal.

Hey roberto, It may be unrealistic of you to think that you are no longer painted black.  Suggest you let it go, as there's nothing you can do about it and may be making things worse by trying to backpedal.  Why are you focusing on the "hurt child" within her and her "walls"?  You can't change her so suggest you let it go.  Instead, suggest you switch the spotlight from her to you.  What can you do to make your life better?  How can you heal and move on?  Have you figured out why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place?  If not, that is a good place to start.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Roberto516,

Suggest you let it go, as there's nothing you can do about it and may be making things worse by trying to backpedal.  Why are you focusing on the "hurt child" within her and her "walls"?  You can't change her so suggest you let it go.  

I agree with happendtome and Lucky Jim, it's too JADEy, when I reply back to a message from my ex, I scan it looking for what's valid, in the back of my mind,  I think about JADE, is my message JADEy? Don't JADE.

You're telegraphing to her that there's an attachment there. I suggest to follow the stages on the right hand side, attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom   what stage do you see yourself at?

[Harley Quinn]

   roberto, I think I've read your post from a slightly different perspective to some.  Sounds to me like you're walking away with your head held high and your morals in tact (morals and promises mean a lot to me also) and feeling like you have done the right thing, which is important.  Money is just an energy.  It's meant to keep moving and it's up to you where you feel you want it to move to.  In some respects this may be a lesson for her in time.  Maybe not.  

I understand the sadness you feel that she may not ever find it in herself to reach inside as you have done.  I also believe that you sharing what you did about your own journey was your last attempt to help and inspire her to maybe think about this, if not now then perhaps in the future.  You are very brave to break the NC to do this and very brave to cut the ties now in the way that you did, without allowing things to go too off track and become messy.  Whilst you did get drawn in at one point I'm sure you recognise that, and overall you made your point, showed your gesture and then called it a day.  A very difficult thing to do, yet you did it!  Be proud of yourself.  

This is where your future starts.  It's going to be challenging and I believe you will rise to it.  You're ready for this.  Stay strong.

Love and light x

    

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

I'm sure I'll feel bad later as I ride the waves of emotions.

How are you doing since sending the last message and blocking her?  Whilst empowering, I know it wasn't easy.  Can remember how I felt after sending my last message.  Friends were the ones to give me strength and get me through.

Love and light x

[bus boy]

Hi roberto, I totally agree with happenedtome. You owe your ex nothing. My ex could give a sweet fiddlers f**c about me, my morales, values or anything about me and I can only assume yours is the same way. We try our very best to show our BPD/NPD ex's that we are good upstanding people and they really could care less. My Xw text me "Hi" last weekend, the first thing that came to my head was "f**k you." I hope you listen well to what happenedtome said.