Went out with someone, having so much anxiety after

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone

So I met someone last week, we talked a bit and agreed to go to out to eat and have a beer.

During the evening everything seemed ok, we talked, we had a relatively good time, there were a few "what would you change about yourself" awkward moments in conversation but in general ok.

After I left the place a sudden bout of anxiety overcame me, I started to tense up, drove basically on autopilot back home, had to crash on the couch for a few minutes before I regained my composure.

Lucky for me my brother was available and I could talk to him, started feeling a bit better.

I'm not sure what this was, never had this type of anxiety with my BPD ex, with her it was a "seeking anxiety", I wanted so bad to be with her, this time its something else, its a "dread anxiety", something feels terribly wrong.

She mentioned being depressive in the past, her family also shows some depressive tendencies. She smokes which I don't like, she mentioned past dates. None of that on its own is too major, but it was not exactly pleasant for me

I had a bit of anxiety going to meet her so it may not be about what she said during the evening, it could just be me.

Man just writing this is giving me a flare up, why does this feel so wrong? I liked the "seeking anxiety" better, felt like an athlete going for a world record. Here now I am feeling like someone's trying to shoot me and I'm looking everywhere for a safe place to retreat to.

I am at home, and yet I don't feel comfortable. Something was wrong about that date, and I'm sort of afraid its about me and not about the date itself.

Maybe I just don't like her that much, if so then why is this feeling so intense? You'd think I'd be indifferent if I just wasn't interested, but this feels almost like I'm getting into a dangerous situation. could her mentioning depression making me react like this after being in a BPD relationship? Help?

[itsmeSnap]

Hello everyone

So I met someone last week, we talked a bit and agreed to go to out to eat and have a beer.

During the evening everything seemed ok, we talked, we had a relatively good time, there were a few "what would you change about yourself" awkward moments in conversation but in general ok.

After I left the place a sudden bout of anxiety overcame me, I started to tense up, drove basically on autopilot back home, had to crash on the couch for a few minutes before I regained my composure.

Lucky for me my brother was available and I could talk to him, started feeling a bit better.

I'm not sure what this was, never had this type of anxiety with my BPD ex, with her it was a "seeking anxiety", I wanted so bad to be with her, this time its something else, its a "dread anxiety", something feels terribly wrong.

She mentioned being depressive in the past, her family also shows some depressive tendencies. She smokes which I don't like, she mentioned past dates. None of that on its own is too major, but it was not exactly pleasant for me

I had a bit of anxiety going to meet her so it may not be about what she said during the evening, it could just be me.

Man just writing this is giving me a flare up, why does this feel so wrong? I liked the "seeking anxiety" better, felt like an athlete going for a world record. Here now I am feeling like someone's trying to shoot me and I'm looking everywhere for a safe place to retreat to.

I am at home, and yet I don't feel comfortable. Something was wrong about that date, and I'm sort of afraid its about me and not about the date itself.

Maybe I just don't like her that much, if so then why is this feeling so intense? You'd think I'd be indifferent if I just wasn't interested, but this feels almost like I'm getting into a dangerous situation. could her mentioning depression making me react like this after being in a BPD relationship? Help?

[Notwendy]

Is this a first date?

Some things about this would also have gotten my attention ( not in a positive way).

Being asked "what would I change about myself" feels a bit invasive for a first date to me. It has a negative twist. A question I might ask is " what are your interests, hobbies" this indicates a curiosity. I want to know what a person is interested in.

Smoking.  I don't smoke and don't want to be around smokers. This isn't a criticism or a prejudice. It's a standard I would want in my home, and so if the relationship were to get serious, it would be in my home. I know I can't change another person, or force them to quit smoking, so that would be a deal breaker for me. Smoking might not bother someone else- but if it bothers you- honor that about yourself.

Talking about mental health issues too soon but also knowing someone has a tendency towards depression would concern me. I would be glad they  were up front about health issues. I don't see them as an impossible barrier. There are no perfect people. But I would also be wondering about the person's boundaries if they are bringing up TMI on a first date- the depression and the past relationships. To me, the point of a first date is to decide if you want a second date- if there's enough compatibility to want to learn more about the person. These things should be brought up at some point soon in the relationship, but IMHO, only after there's enough in common to consider to keep on dating in the first place.

Your anxiety to me sounds like your self telling yourself no- she's not for you. You can choose your deal breakers. It isn't about the other person being wrong, it's about your boundaries and comfort level. You may not want to proceed in a relationship with someone who struggles with depression. It's about being honest with yourself.

I think your feelings are a good guide. You don't feel comfortable with this person.

[itsmeSnap]

Hi notwendy

Is this a first date?

It was sort of, but I didn't really know her, just talked a few times over the week and decided to go out just to "hang out" and get to know each other, romance was not part of the plan in any sort of way.

Your anxiety to me sounds like your self telling yourself no- she's not for you

After sleeping on it I think you are right, maybe there were signs before, I was a bit on the fence but I thought going out and getting to know her better to figure it out. She was interested, but I was not "feeling it", though it wasn't anything catastrophic, just I guess "I like you but not like that".

I think your feelings are a good guide. You don't feel comfortable with this person.

The thing is (and this is why I think I was all over the place on this one) is that I was comfortably talking to her before and during the date, three hours went by no problem, but after it was over it was like a sudden overwhelming feeling of dread.

My guess is that true, I wasn't comfortable, I pushed through it, and since it went "ok" I started realizing there might be a "date date" and the dread set it.

There are no perfect people

True, maybe someone would find those traits a non issue or actually attractive. I guess I didn't.

Man this was such a weird and intense experience. thing is, I guess I kinda convinced myself that it was just "date anxiety" I had, maybe it was.

I don't think I should be "sure" about wanting something with a person before asking them out, it seems odd to do that, maybe I want to go out with them as friends or nothing at all in mind, I guess that's what I wanted, just go out, but it kept getting personal and "date-like". it also seems weird to me to just outright tell her "btw, don't get flirty with me, we're just hanging out", especially before the first time going out.

Ok this is long enough already, just a question: How do I get this under control? I don't want to dread going out with new people because it might turn out I didn't click with the person same way as they did with me (I feel kinda like I'm "humble bragging" even just saying it, like "what if they liked me more than I liked them?"...)

[JNChell]

Hey, Snap. Notwendy brings up solid points. At 42, I’m just now learning how to trust my intuition by my T. I trust her. You went on a date and that’s great! That’s a big step that most people wouldn’t understand. I say good job on putting yourself out there. Better job on listening to your body. Growth? What do you think?

[itsmeSnap]

Hey JNChell

I guess I'm trying to do the listening, but also want to figure out what exactly is it saying. Like listening to a foreign language, its gibberish right now, the details are lost in translation.

Like, if its not right then how so? Lets say its not "relationship material", but if things went further like that and I'm certain she wants a relationship I can imagine saying "hey I'm not feeling 'like that' " and figure something out, including just staying apart or being friends or whatever, but why feel a panic?

I may have "played along" by not showing the discomfort and thats my body's way of saying "dude, stop it, you're making it worse"? Still " logically " think its an overreaction, but it was very real and very unpleasant to say the least

[Notwendy]

I can imagine it is scary to reach out and date after a difficult experience. I don't know how much time has passed since your relationship ended. Perhaps you, yourself, haven't healed from the past relationship. I don't know if you have done some personal counseling for your own part in it- developed better boundaries.

Although I can understand wanting to date, maybe it's too soon for you. I don't think you need to isolate yourself either. I agree that one doesn't know everything about a person before asking them out- that's what going out is for- to learn more about each other. Maybe just keep things casual with people- and work with a counselor about your anxiety with dating. If it's a good thing, I think you would be feeling more comfortable with the situation on a date. Don't deny your feelings.

I think for many nons, we have ignored our feelings. Red flags were there but we ignored or minimized them. Maybe you are paying attention now. I don't think we need to scrutinize someone for any potential flaws, but feeling uncomfortable and anxious on a date is something to pay attention to.

I think we can be systematic and up front about the main qualities we are looking for in a person and compatibility factors, what are deal breakers and what we can live with. It's up to each person. If we get too picky- then nobody would meet them, but not being clear on the main factors might lead us to incompatible relationships. The things you saw on this date were things you didn't feel comfortable with. That's OK.

[Notwendy]

I may have "played along" by not showing the discomfort and thats my body's way of saying "dude, stop it, you're making it worse"? Still " logically " think its an overreaction, but it was very real and very unpleasant to say the least

When you "play along" you are being inauthentic and people pleasing. These are traits that some nons share- something you probably did a lot in your relationship before. Perhaps you panicked because this time, you somehow recognized this in yourself--- "hey- you are doing what got you into a difficult relationship in the first place". You tuned in on the fact that she wanted a relationship but then later realized you weren't being authentic to yourself. Fine to be polite in the moment, but your feelings are the clue to what to do next ( not ask her out again )

It's OK to decide this isn't for you on an early date. You don't have to apologize or offer "lets be friends". Letting someone go allows her to find a relationship and you too. No harm done really if all it was was one date.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think notwendy is on to something here. Maybe you had a reaction to the situation because your brain perceived it as a threat on some level.

You may not be ready, as notwendy suggests. Maybe going out with several friends would take the pressure off, so to speak, and allow you to interact socially and get to know more about someone without the expectations or pressure of a one on one context.

This article explains why our brains can be triggered into the fight or flight response even when there is not a real threat. It happens when the amygdala becomes overactive following prolonged periods of trauma or stress.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-happens-during-an-amygdala-hijack-4165944

[once removed]

I guess I'm trying to do the listening, but also want to figure out what exactly is it saying. Like listening to a foreign language, its gibberish right now, the details are lost in translation.

what was on your mind when the anxiety kicked in?

are you sure that its directly related to the date?

[itsmeSnap]

what was on your mind when the anxiety kicked in?
are you sure that its directly related to the date?

It was as soon as her uber arrived, we said goodbyes and she got on the car and I started walking to my car, pretty much the moment I realized "the night is over" if that makes sense.

I didn't have time to think about anything, it was that sudden. During the night I focused exclusively on the conversation, I was there, not "mind wandering" into anything else unrelated.

Maybe going out with several friends would take the pressure off, so to speak, and allow you to interact socially and get to know more about someone without the expectations or pressure of a one on one context.

Its usually the other way around for me, like the group activity takes over and we're just "there together" without much getting to know them. Often when the group breaks after the day is when I get to talk to anyone in particular. So I'm not sure if it would be that different?

Perhaps you panicked because this time, you somehow recognized this in yourself--- "hey- you are doing what got you into a difficult relationship in the first place".

Maybe, after going over it in my head I think its more of a risk-reward kind of thing.

With my BPD ex I knew that it would be difficult, but I was so attracted to her I'd do anything, the "reward" was worth it. This time its I guess so many downsides and I'm not really "attracted".

Again, in general she was nice enough and I could see it becoming a friendship, but she seemed really into me and I wasn't, I think that mismatch is where the dread comes in: maybe it was that I'd have to "reject her" at some point and I don't want to do it. Maybe I should have done it right then, could be why it was at the moment I couldn't anymore (the date ended) that the dread set in, I'd have to do it some other blurry time in the future, I let a "boundary" slip by.

The thing is, initially I wasn't sure, I did kinda "like her" but I wasn't sure, so I really did the "datelike" thing, not to lead her on but because I also thought about it as a date.

Guess it went wrong, but not too wrong: the date was good enough, just not "relationship-wise", not for me anyway.

You don't have to apologize or offer "lets be friends". Letting someone go allows her to find a relationship and you too. No harm done really if all it was was one date.

True, but I don't want to just disconnect. Maybe let her know I'm not feeling it like that and just less contact? definitely don't want to just drop off the face of the earth, I came here when it was done to me and it stings like ten thousand amazonian bullet ants at the same time, not looking forward to doing that to anyone myself.

It was just one "date" after all, I wouldn't mind "just hanging out" again. she's a nice person, I kinda don't want to lose her but true I don't want a relationship with her. Selfish of me? maybe that's part of the inner conflict.

[once removed]

maybe it was that I'd have to "reject her" at some point and I don't want to do it.

that makes sense. the thought makes me anxious too. have you had to do it before, romantic relationship or otherwise?

[itsmeSnap]

have you had to do it before, romantic relationship or otherwise?

Not really, never after I considered it dating.

Most similar was in college, a classmate seemed friendly enough and we hung out, but it was never clear (to me at least) that she was interested, only after the semester ended did she "hint" at wanting a date, I told her maybe but I knew we would not see each other again, she was leaving for an exchange program and the one class we shared was the only one we would ever have in common (it was like an environmental thing, I'm an engineer, she's a graphic designer). I kinda just bailed on her.

Other situations where the other person was interested I never was, so I also just kept a distance until school or whatever made us part ways.

If anything, the only real outright rejection I've dished out was with the girl I liked who had a thing with a "friend"/business partner.

I've told this story before but for those not in the loop: I liked her, we hung out as friends from work along with two others (business partner and another friend, all of us met at work), she had an angry boyfriend and turns out she was cheating with the married "friend", I told her he said he would never choose her over his wife, breakup ensued, I got blamed for it, they ended up breaking up yet again (he did choose his wife over her), she got together with another dude, had a son, got cheated on and wanted to reach out to me. I just couldn't, I told her to go away, that I had already moved away from her and "snarled" at her why she wouldn't get the hint.

It was not really like that, I would have (and probably still would) been with her, but I was hurt that she would see me as her last hope, specially after having a kid with a man I also told her was basically a d-bag (it does bother me to think of "adopting" someone else's kid like that, I am not ashamed to say I'm not stepdad material).

I always think of her sort of like I do now my BPD ex, I would be with her if circumstances had been different, but oh well, maybe someday I'll get over this.

The thing is most often I was the one pursuing and getting rejected, not the other way around. it always starts for me from that same heightened feeling of attraction, never a "maybe, we'll see how it goes" like this time, so I guess that's the difference.

[Notwendy]

Maybe honesty is the best approach. It's not a rejection to say "I like you but want to take the time to get to know you better before deciding if I want a romantic relationship". It may frustrate her if she wants to start one right away- but then, it's her choice to agree to the friendship or to move on.

I think attraction is important, but for many of us, it's what got us into something too soon and too fast. Sometimes attraction grows as we get to know someone better, and sometimes it doesn't.

You can decide how you want to proceed next with this, but if you are honest about what you want, then she'll know what's going on and can make her choice too.

[itsmeSnap]

Sometimes attraction grows as we get to know someone better, and sometimes it doesn't.

You can decide how you want to proceed next with this, but if you are honest about what you want, then she'll know what's going on and can make her choice too.

Sounds reasonable, maybe it was just too much interest too soon on her part. Right now I don't see it happening so I guess I will set expectations as well, maybe she's seeing rose tinted mixed messages from this "I like you but not 'like you' like you" thing.