Relationship Recycling Pt. II

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all, it has been a while since I posted.  The last thing was my BPDew starting to act more friendly “for the sake of our daughter.”  Well, fast forward a couple of months.  She is still acting friendly, and even though I vividly remember what lies behind this mask, I am doing my best to get along with her.  Post-divorce, our contact was limited to once a week, at the child exchange.  Not so much anymore, as she seems to find an excuse to contact me, on almost a daily basis.  Yes, she uses the daughter as the pretext, especially if it is a couple of days with no contact. 

A couple of years ago, she decided that she wanted us to send “weekly” pictures to one another of our daughter.  It took me a while to figure out why, but I am pretty sure it has to do with her object constancy issues.  She has been very religious in doing so, though to be honest, I have not been as religious.  Sure, I play along for the most part, but there are times when I don't.  I get busy living my life and it just does not cross my mind.  She has tried to scold me a couple of times, but as it is not required by the parenting plan, I brush it off.  I am trying to finish up my teaching degree, work full-time, and when I have my daughter, I devote all my free time to her. 

One of the requirements was that neither of us is in the picture, just the daughter.  Okay, seems like a good idea to me.  However, in the last couple of months, she has been sending pictures of both her and the daughter, most recently today.  At first, they were just partials (I could see the edge of her face and an eye.  Like she was hiding off to the side.  But lately, both the ex and the daughter are in the pictures.  The daughter usually looks less than excited about having her picture taken, but there is mom! Makeup on, hair done up, smiling away!

During the divorce, she accused me of planning to use our daughter to force her back into a relationship.  I had no intention of doing so.  She levelled the same charge against her first ex-husband, and after talking to him, he had no intention of doing so, either.  Both of us just wanted our children, with her as far removed from the picture as possible.  Unfortunately, with the way the current laws are written, that is a difficult task to achieve.

My gut says that she is attempting to do exactly what she accused me of.  She is trying to “get along for the sake of the daughter,” but there is more to it than that.  She has offered to bring my daughter by my work when she has her.  She has offered to go to dinner with both the daughter and I.  When the daughter had minor surgery, she wanted us to go up to the check-in together, spend time in the room together, and leave together. 

If you have ever watched a cat hunt, they get low to the ground, move one quick step at a time, gauging their prey’s reaction, seeing if they even notice.  The prey is being stalked by one of nature’s most efficient killers.  That is exactly how I am feeling, like I am being hunted. But I have noticed the hunter. 

With the holidays upon us, she seems to be stepping up her game.  I honestly expect her to make a move towards the latter part of January, maybe early February.  That time of year is usually when she goes into a downward spiral of depression.

I am writing this because, honestly, I need to get it off my chest.  I am also looking for others who have similar stories, and what they did to protect not only themselves, but their children, as well.  I would appreciate any insight anyone may have, but I am almost certain that there is a relationship recycling attempt looming.  I am not about to let her succeed, but at the same time, because she has not technically done anything wrong I am not going to tell her off.  That would look very bad to the courts.  At least, not until she makes her move.

[RedRock]

Hey all, it has been a while since I posted.  The last thing was my BPDew starting to act more friendly “for the sake of our daughter.”  Well, fast forward a couple of months.  She is still acting friendly, and even though I vividly remember what lies behind this mask, I am doing my best to get along with her.  Post-divorce, our contact was limited to once a week, at the child exchange.  Not so much anymore, as she seems to find an excuse to contact me, on almost a daily basis.  Yes, she uses the daughter as the pretext, especially if it is a couple of days with no contact. 

A couple of years ago, she decided that she wanted us to send “weekly” pictures to one another of our daughter.  It took me a while to figure out why, but I am pretty sure it has to do with her object constancy issues.  She has been very religious in doing so, though to be honest, I have not been as religious.  Sure, I play along for the most part, but there are times when I don't.  I get busy living my life and it just does not cross my mind.  She has tried to scold me a couple of times, but as it is not required by the parenting plan, I brush it off.  I am trying to finish up my teaching degree, work full-time, and when I have my daughter, I devote all my free time to her. 

One of the requirements was that neither of us is in the picture, just the daughter.  Okay, seems like a good idea to me.  However, in the last couple of months, she has been sending pictures of both her and the daughter, most recently today.  At first, they were just partials (I could see the edge of her face and an eye.  Like she was hiding off to the side.  But lately, both the ex and the daughter are in the pictures.  The daughter usually looks less than excited about having her picture taken, but there is mom! Makeup on, hair done up, smiling away!

During the divorce, she accused me of planning to use our daughter to force her back into a relationship.  I had no intention of doing so.  She levelled the same charge against her first ex-husband, and after talking to him, he had no intention of doing so, either.  Both of us just wanted our children, with her as far removed from the picture as possible.  Unfortunately, with the way the current laws are written, that is a difficult task to achieve.

My gut says that she is attempting to do exactly what she accused me of.  She is trying to “get along for the sake of the daughter,” but there is more to it than that.  She has offered to bring my daughter by my work when she has her.  She has offered to go to dinner with both the daughter and I.  When the daughter had minor surgery, she wanted us to go up to the check-in together, spend time in the room together, and leave together. 

If you have ever watched a cat hunt, they get low to the ground, move one quick step at a time, gauging their prey’s reaction, seeing if they even notice.  The prey is being stalked by one of nature’s most efficient killers.  That is exactly how I am feeling, like I am being hunted. But I have noticed the hunter. 

With the holidays upon us, she seems to be stepping up her game.  I honestly expect her to make a move towards the latter part of January, maybe early February.  That time of year is usually when she goes into a downward spiral of depression.

I am writing this because, honestly, I need to get it off my chest.  I am also looking for others who have similar stories, and what they did to protect not only themselves, but their children, as well.  I would appreciate any insight anyone may have, but I am almost certain that there is a relationship recycling attempt looming.  I am not about to let her succeed, but at the same time, because she has not technically done anything wrong I am not going to tell her off.  That would look very bad to the courts.  At least, not until she makes her move.

[livednlearned]

A lot of people with BPD go through tender cycles, maybe she's in one at the moment.

During tender cycles, emotions may be regulated, so there may be less cognitive distortions caused by intense emotions. And because intense emotions can be triggered by increases in intimacy (which leads to fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment), it makes sense that she might feel less threatened now that there is distance. You seem safe to her, perhaps.

If you feel susceptible to her advances, then setting strong boundaries is obviously important. Maybe you have someone neutral join you in the waiting room while your daughter undergoes surgery. Tell your ex no to having daughter brought to work, and be firm about it. Don't go to dinner together.

Not until you feel strong enough, or ever if that's best for you.

In my experience, what you call the "hunt" is more like an empty test to fulfill her sense of self worth. The harder it may be to win someone over, the bigger the payoff in terms of whether she can confirm she is lovable or not. After the test is over, there is another, and another, and another because her mistake is to expect someone else can provide this reassurance. People who suffer from BPD tend to have a bottomless need for reassurance until they learn to provide it for themselves. It has to come from within, or at least primarily from within, and she is not skilled enough yet to do that.

What plans do you have in place to resist any advances she makes?

Do you feel certain that you want the relationship to be over?

[RedRock]

Interesting.  I will have to reflect on this some.  It seems almost like one of those "Better to dance with the devil you know than the one you don't" kind of deals.  She wants the one thing she can't have because when she almost gets it, she is afraid of emotionally dying.

Plans of resistance?  Well, my attorney is aware of what she is doing.  He said that in his experience, it is typical behavior of people like her.  He informed me to make sure I am keeping a journal of our interactions, limiting our time together as much as possible.

My family and friends are well aware of what is going on.  I have a strong support system there.  I am certain I want this relationship over.  There is no doubt in my mind, or my heart.  What I am after is insight.  I cannot understand a disordered mind, but I can learn from non-disordered peoples experiences to chart my path forward.