Irrational jealousy of the replacement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I keep seeing the replacement around as we live so near to each other.  Today I saw her driving my xBPDh's car.  The car I used to drive.  The car that we went out in so many times.

I hate that b___!  I get really wound up and keep thinking that she is living the nice life that I used to live.  She doesn't have to work because he pays for everything.  She spends her days as she wants to, which seems to be mostly shopping, spending his money because she has no income of her own.  She is being taken out to nice restaurants by him and being bought nice things.  He has bought a house for them to live in and had it renovated.  He even has her sons living with her and her extended family visiting for long stays.  He is doing everything with her that he used to do with me plus things he wouldn't do for me.  The difference is that I actually contributed financially and provided him with a nice home.  He hardly had to put in any effort but with her he seems to be giving it his all.

Rationally, I know it won't last.  It's almost two years now.  He must be showing some of his true colours.

But I can't shake off this feeling of anger and hatred.  Why wouldn't he put in that effort with me?  She's getting what I wanted and I hate her for it.

[Popcorn71]

I keep seeing the replacement around as we live so near to each other.  Today I saw her driving my xBPDh's car.  The car I used to drive.  The car that we went out in so many times.

I hate that b___!  I get really wound up and keep thinking that she is living the nice life that I used to live.  She doesn't have to work because he pays for everything.  She spends her days as she wants to, which seems to be mostly shopping, spending his money because she has no income of her own.  She is being taken out to nice restaurants by him and being bought nice things.  He has bought a house for them to live in and had it renovated.  He even has her sons living with her and her extended family visiting for long stays.  He is doing everything with her that he used to do with me plus things he wouldn't do for me.  The difference is that I actually contributed financially and provided him with a nice home.  He hardly had to put in any effort but with her he seems to be giving it his all.

Rationally, I know it won't last.  It's almost two years now.  He must be showing some of his true colours.

But I can't shake off this feeling of anger and hatred.  Why wouldn't he put in that effort with me?  She's getting what I wanted and I hate her for it.

[RisingSun]

I think they feel they can rectify their past by over compensating in the present. But once they pass a certain point, they'll feel they've payed their dues.

That's when the crazy making starts for real. You have no idea how he's treating her. She may be a total pushover. She may not know/feel what's coming.

But as you may know, these people can never truly change their ways until they get help.

I all too clearly understand your feelings. I too struggle with seeing my ex wife move a homeless redneck into the cabin I built for her. The same man who

came in between my ex wife and I. I hate him for what he did. But at the same time, I'm thankful. I no longer have to deal with her crazy sh!t. She's his problem now

A good perspective to take is that, she will get the same treatment you did. It's only a matter of time. Nothing I would wish on an innocent person. But if she cheated

with your ex. Well then, she deserves every second of it.   

[SurfNTurf]

Hi Popcorn,

I'm sorry you feel so crummy.  But remember, he is only love-bombing her, give them time, he will be just as dysregulated with her as he was with you, then won't you be glad it IS her turn?

My ex-husband was/is a NPD. When we divorced, the ink wasn't dry on the papers when he was riding his new chick past my house on the back of his newly purchased Harley. She was the one he cheated with on me, and I found them in our bed.

Fast forward about ten years, he was arrested for domestic violence with her, she had a restraining/no contact order, and SHE called ME for advice. The advice I gave her was, "when you screw around with a married man, you get a husband who will screw around on you."  That felt really good to say, even tho I surely didn't want him back, I felt no sympathy for her.

Karma takes care of much, try to be patient.

[Hawk Ridge]

I struggle with this too... .this and the irrational fear they are treating the next one better, that I failed.   It is better as time goes on but it still pops up. 

[Mutt]

Hi Popcorn71,

I all too clearly understand your feelings. I too struggle with seeing my ex wife move a homeless redneck into the cabin I built for her. The same man who

came in between my ex wife and I. I hate him for what he did. But at the same time, I'm thankful. I no longer have to deal with her crazy sh!t. She's his problem now

I can understand how angry that would feel. I struggled with understanding how can someone walk into my marriage like my ex's boyfriend did and they both disrupted my kids lives and mine?

I appreciate the time that I have as a single dad and the attention and love that I can provide for my kids without the jealousy, narcissism,  fighting and chaos we had at home. Our marriage suffered and the kids witnessed dad and mom fighting.

I'm thankful for the peace that I have home with my kids and know better now that with some people it's competiveness, low self-worth and self -esteem and not to take it personal.

The other man did me a favor and keeps the chaos away from me and my family. I'd like to echo RisingSun, it's his problem now. He may not have known what he got into, perhaps he's more controllable, he chose to play with fire when he walked into someone else's marriage and he's going to get burned. It's not a choice I would make, he chose this.

[Fox Mulder]

I struggle with this too... .this and the irrational fear they are treating the next one better, that I failed.   It is better as time goes on but it still pops up. 

Same here. We were together for five years, and she replaced me last November. We were together in the morning and she was celebrating her new relationship that night. It was so sudden. Before I finally realized that checking up on her social media was absolutely murdering any progress I was making in getting over her, I had found out that my replacement pretty much outdid me in every way - he was much more handsome, had more money, and was much cooler than me (had a convertible, wore leather jackets, smoked weed, played in a band). Within two months of our breakup, he had invited her to live with him in Texas - she lived in Georgia - and she's just finally happy. Finally happy.

My self-esteem was obliterated and I've only recently picked up a couple of the pieces. Only a million more to go.

I'm worried - foolishly, I know - that they're going to work out. He's going to be much better for her than I was. He's going to love her in a way that will keep her BPD traits from damaging the relationship. Hell, maybe her doctor was wrong and she doesn't have BPD at all, and she only acted that way because I was doing everything wrong. I don't know. She was the love of my life and my whole future revolved around her making my life worth living by loving me as intensely as she seemed to. Now I have no solid ground to stand on. I'm just floating through life, alone and damaged.

[Fox Mulder]

Oh, I'm really sorry Popcorn, I got carried away by my emotions and forgot to address your own pain.

I struggle with the same feelings of jealousy and self-doubt, obviously. So I don't really have any advice.

But I guess the obvious still holds true - you can be jealous, you can miss them, you can wish with all your heart that things could have turned out differently - but none of that will send you back in time. All you can do is move on. So many people on this planet have deep emotional wounds from previous relationships, and we've all joined their ranks. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, but keep moving forward - even if you're crying, or trembling with rage, or feeling like a hollow shell of a person - that's okay, as long as you keep moving forward. Little by little.

Things will get better.

[myself]

Sometimes the next relationship, or one of the next, just works out better. For them and for us. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it's an act, and sometimes it isn't. That's for them to live, in this case. Sorry you're a witness to it.

I'd say you have to work on letting it go as best you can, and keep the focus on you not him/her/whoever. This is likely more about how you're seeing yourself than how you're seeing them. Being against someone else instead of being more loving with yourself. I can say that because I've done it too, it's still a struggle to be worked on but I'm getting there. It helps to not negatively compare myself, or my place in life, with others. I'm living my life, not anybody else's. She (and whoever she may be with) could be king and queen of the world right now but that wouldn't make them better than me. The things I value most are honesty, trust, love... .If you don't have those with someone, what do you really have? Maybe our exes found or will find it with someone else. Good for them, if so. I hope to do so someday, too. I hope we all do.

Sometimes we just have to accept that some of the facts are pretty sh!tty, are painful and seemingly unfair, and we need to be the ones to help ourselves move along from them because that's really what's best for us. Hanging on just ends up hurting more, and keeps us stuck.

[Penumbra66]

I keep seeing the replacement around as we live so near to each other.  Today I saw her driving my xBPDh's car.  The car I used to drive.  The car that we went out in so many times.

I hate that b___!  I get really wound up and keep thinking that she is living the nice life that I used to live.  She doesn't have to work because he pays for everything.  She spends her days as she wants to, which seems to be mostly shopping, spending his money because she has no income of her own.  She is being taken out to nice restaurants by him and being bought nice things.  He has bought a house for them to live in and had it renovated.  He even has her sons living with her and her extended family visiting for long stays.  He is doing everything with her that he used to do with me plus things he wouldn't do for me.  The difference is that I actually contributed financially and provided him with a nice home.  He hardly had to put in any effort but with her he seems to be giving it his all.

Rationally, I know it won't last.  It's almost two years now.  He must be showing some of his true colours.

But I can't shake off this feeling of anger and hatred.  Why wouldn't he put in that effort with me?  She's getting what I wanted and I hate her for it.

Popcorn,

I relate to what you're going through, as I believe many of us do. Some of us have an ex that was diagnosed with BPD, and others of us can only speculate that they suffer a personality disorder. Many of us also feel somehow inferior to our replacements, even if we understand the disorder. Like you, I also feared that the replacement was being treated better, with more respect, more compassion, and slowly building a better relationship. We can be logically believe that it's more likely than not for their relationship to end catastrophically, as ours did, but it's the lack of certainty that many of us struggle with. What if they can make it work? What if they are somehow "right" for each other? What if they're not "really" BPD? What if it's us?

This Saturday will mark an entire year since our breakup. I was so baffled and hurt by that I struggled for answers, and that's how I ended up here. I've come here daily ever since, sometimes to post, but always to read. There are plenty of instances of the relationship between our ex and their shiny new replacement going down in flames, as a borderline's relationship patterns predictably reemerge. And yet. I know that, despite the evidence to the contrary, I have been very worried that my ex somehow successfully maintains a good, stable relationship with someone she is better "matched" to.

I had my ex blocked everywhere, but about two weeks ago she emailed me from her old account on the dating site where we met. Now, apparently, she somehow realizes that I was the "love of her life" and someone she could have been happy with for "the rest of her life." She wants a "do over" and wishes to make everything up with me and rebuild our relationship. She messaged that she regrets everything she did to me, claiming that it's the worst behavior of her entire life.

Sounds like a genuine apology, and even a clearly expressed desire to reunite! Something I believe many, if not most, of us dream about, even if we decided to snub them.

There's only one problem: she's still with my replacement. In her words, she doesn't want to "do to him what I did to you." And yet she swears it's only a matter of when, not if!

So on one hand, she seems to have at least some compassion regarding my replacement that she clearly lacked with me, as she's waiting for their relationship to "end naturally" before being with me, because he is emotionally and financially dependent on her at the moment. But wait a minute, aren't I the "love" of her life?

So I get these completely conflicting messages, and of course she's breaking the confidence of her current boyfriend. One positive from our recent communication is that I realize the seriousness of her mental illness. For me it's confirmation of what I thought I knew, but still suffered lingering doubts about. In that regard, you, me, and almost everyone here deals with these thoughts, which is why so many of us post, even months after our break ups.

What I'm trying to say is that, with time, I think you will start to trust your instincts more. You here because their behavior made no sense. You read about the events in others' lives and realize the commonalities. You were smart and observant enough to get this far, but like many of us, you continue to second-guess your judgment, the accuracy of your observations. Here is an important truth: I have never read of a member realizing that they were wrong about their ex, that there ex in fact did not have BPD (or at least many of the symptoms), or that their ex was able to build a good, loving and stable long-term relationship with the replacement.

My therapist, whom I both admire and respect, never seemed to be convinced that my ex was BPD. Of course she could never make the diagnosis without meeting her, and evaluating her carefully. But I often got the feeling that my therapist maintained more than a healthy and professional amount of skepticism in my belief that my ex is BPD. Until today. I read her the messages that she sent recently, and now I feel she has no doubt whatsoever. We discussed how her poor relationship habits were destroying her new relationship, and that it was probably unlikely that she would ever have a truly successful relationship in her life, given such a warped way of thinking.

Evidence of bad behavior sent you here. It sent all of us here. The relationships are remarkably similar. They have the same highs, the same lows, the same dysfunctions. We were all replacements for someone else, even if we didn't know it at the time (in my case, I found this out several months after our break up). I would guess that a very large percentage of us here eventually become convinced that it's not us, it really is them, it really is their mental illness, it's not something we imagined or somehow distorted.

They may be treating your replacement better now, but if I were a betting man, I'd bet my house that their relationship will go up in flames, too. Just give it time.

[anxiety5]

I keep seeing the replacement around as we live so near to each other.  Today I saw her driving my xBPDh's car.  The car I used to drive.  The car that we went out in so many times.

I hate that b___!  I get really wound up and keep thinking that she is living the nice life that I used to live.  She doesn't have to work because he pays for everything.  She spends her days as she wants to, which seems to be mostly shopping, spending his money because she has no income of her own.  She is being taken out to nice restaurants by him and being bought nice things.  He has bought a house for them to live in and had it renovated.  He even has her sons living with her and her extended family visiting for long stays.  He is doing everything with her that he used to do with me plus things he wouldn't do for me.  The difference is that I actually contributed financially and provided him with a nice home.  He hardly had to put in any effort but with her he seems to be giving it his all.

Rationally, I know it won't last.  It's almost two years now.  He must be showing some of his true colours.

But I can't shake off this feeling of anger and hatred.  Why wouldn't he put in that effort with me?  She's getting what I wanted and I hate her for it.

I struggled with this too. How would I feel about it? But then I remembered... .she cheated on me several times. So, in essence I already have survived her being with someone else to begin with. And to be honest, that situation is more hurtful than when they actually move on and "date" someone else, because (as we all know) these people are INCREDIBLE when you first meet them. So the guy she cheated on me with was I'm sure in total awe over her. But as far as the new FULL time guy? Pfff. I just feel bad for the poor chump

Remember, it's all games. When you go No Contact, YOU are in control. If you do this, you clearly don't want them around anymore right? Well, when someone gets a weak moment, and goes no contact for a month or so and then sends out a text to their ex, when the ex doesn't respond we suddenly flip flop from being in control, to now feeling shunned, forgotten, ignored, abandoned.

These buffoons are experts at triggering abandonment fears. But you must remember, in that example above, it's quite weird how we all the sudden are upset that they don't reply right? But at the same time it was our intention to GET THEM OUT OF OUR LIVES. Well shouldn't we be happy they don't reply? But instead we feel abandoned when they don't. The two things to remember here are 1) It's a mind game to trigger abandonment fears, to get you to internalize the loss, to do their job FOR them, by devaluing YOURSELF. This all occurring despite their lack of response being what we REALLY INTENDED ALL ALONG. It's a game they trigger, but ultimately WE CARRY OUT ON OURSELVES.

Don't fall in that trap. YOU are in control now. Walk yourself through it mentally and it will release all that anxiety, anguish and despair. It's just a game. Don't play it. Let him do his thing, you KNOW it will fail. And it will actually fail faster the less you ever hint that it bothers you.

[SummerStorm]

I had found out that my replacement pretty much outdid me in every way - he was much more handsome, had more money, and was much cooler than me (had a convertible, wore leather jackets, smoked weed, played in a band). Within two months of our breakup, he had invited her to live with him in Texas - she lived in Georgia - and she's just finally happy. Finally happy.

There are a few ways to look at this.  The guy my former friend BPD is dating (the guy she told me she was going to leave for me because he was abusive and selfish and I'm not) is cute, has a nice car, has a stable job, and used to play in a band.  However, he admitted to me, once we started talking when my pwBPD was in the hospital, that he was working too much.  This is, I believe, what drove her to me.  She feared abandonment.  When she got out of the hospital, he told me that he was going to "keep her close."  Now, they are planning on getting their own place in a few months.  Eventually, this is going to trigger fears of engulfment. 

And sure, he is cute and whatever, but he is also the one who got her smoking weed again, and he also seems to have no understanding of the fact that alcohol makes her BPD symptoms ten times worse.  Based on what he told me, she controls him 100%.  He tries, but he is basically a doormat.  He basically let her just move herself in to his place, he couldn't make her stop smoking weed (she was up to 3-4 times daily and was coming to work smelling like it), he couldn't make her send back things she borrowed from me, and he couldn't make her get a job.  He accepts her excuses and believes her lies.  I admit that I was very much like him, but that was before she was diagnosed with BPD.  He has this knowledge and is doing nothing with it.  He's continuing on, just as he always did.

Also, don't believe for one second that your ex is truly happy.  Mine kept telling me how happy she was.  Meanwhile, her boyfriend was texting me about how she was flipping out on him and getting annoyed with everyone else.  Mine has also taken to Twitter, after creating an account two months ago and only tweeting once prior to last week.  She made it private and hardly has any followers, but this just screams "attention-seeking."  Also, I have to wonder.  Is she keeping it private because of me, or is she hiding things from him?  This is in addition to the fact that she changed her Facebook profile picture from a picture of her and her boyfriend to one of just her, after only using pictures of her and her boyfriend for five months.

I'm worried - foolishly, I know - that they're going to work out. He's going to be much better for her than I was. He's going to love her in a way that will keep her BPD traits from damaging the relationship. Hell, maybe her doctor was wrong and she doesn't have BPD at all, and she only acted that way because I was doing everything wrong.

There is no way to love a pwBPD that will those traits from surfacing, unless both are in therapy and committed to making it work.  Do you really think your ex's new man is going to take the time to go to therapy, read about BPD, and learn about how to communicate with a pwBPD?  And do you really think your ex is going to take the time to go to therapy and start the road to recovery?  A pwBPD doesn't just wake up one day and suddenly not have BPD anymore.

As for whether or not she truly has BPD, if the signs are there and a doctor diagnosed her, you can stop worrying about this.  I don't know if you know anything about your ex's past, but I know that mine is only 22 and has lived with more than one boyfriend, has had several different jobs, has cheated on her current boyfriend, and has raged and tried to get physical with her current boyfriend.  Not to mention her two suicide attempts, substance abuse, unsafe sex, and reckless driving. 

[Cleveland]

Interesting timing.  I just met my replacement last night.  He reached out to me last week via FB so we could meet and get to know one another regarding D3.  My ex's SIL did tell me that they all got drunk the week prior and she thinks she told him that she felt it strange that he hadn't met me yet - must have been the catalyst.

He is nice enough and asked if I had any concerns, he understands it is difficult since he has his own D14.

I told him no, everything I know about him I am comfortable with - he has a good job, nice house, is a father, not on any offender registries (I did not specify these things) and that anything I am not aware of but could be concerned about he wouldn't tell me if I asked and that I prefer to not dwell on things outside of my control because it is wasted effort.  What's the point of me telling him that I thought it was odd that he, as a father, would move a woman and her then D2 in with him after knowing each other 3 months, proposing the following month, and getting married before a year from her break up?

We had a nice enough conversation.  I did hint at a couple things, he mentioned that it is important for my D that we all act like adults (I said, yes that would be nice) and he mentioned that he has an amicable relationship with his ex-wife (I dropped a "that must be nice" but he didn't seem to pick up on it).

She's laid pretty low with me the last couple months, other than attempts to change the custody schedule, even referring to the holiday schedule we agreed on in mediation that I politely reminded her that when I brought it up in conciliation she claimed she didn't agree to it and that it was a brainstorming session.

I also thanked him for giving my ex and D some stability in the living situation, she can't afford an apartment on her own, who knows where she would have ended up. 

I did have a few twinges of "maybe it really was me that was the problem" but collected those quickly.

I hope this guy has a lot of patience and determination to make it work when the crazy comes out.  It's been 9 months for them, I think the distraction of custody, planning their wedding, and a puppy have distracted her to keep her highly functional - probably still directing her negative feelings toward me instead.

[Popcorn71]

Thanks for the replies.  Plenty to think about there. 

I saw my ex drive past today.  As usual he didn't look happy.  Strangely, it bothers me more to see the replacement.  I get so angry when I see her but barely feel a thing when I see my ex. 

I think it's because she looks so smug.  She's obviously really pleased with her situation because knowing where she came from, she must think she's landed a real catch.  It must be like winning the lottery for her.  Maybe that's why they are lasting so long.  I think she will put up with a lot of abuse rather than go back to the low life she had.

I have to just remind myself that he must have started dishing out the abuse by now.

At least I have a peaceful life, even if it's not what I had expected.

[anxiety5]

Thanks for the replies.  Plenty to think about there.  

I saw my ex drive past today.  As usual he didn't look happy.  Strangely, it bothers me more to see the replacement.  I get so angry when I see her but barely feel a thing when I see my ex.  

I think it's because she looks so smug.  She's obviously really pleased with her situation because knowing where she came from, she must think she's landed a real catch.  It must be like winning the lottery for her.  Maybe that's why they are lasting so long.  I think she will put up with a lot of abuse rather than go back to the low life she had.

I have to just remind myself that he must have started dishing out the abuse by now.

At least I have a peaceful life, even if it's not what I had expected.

We know the answers, but we have to come to peace with them through acceptance. I struggle with this too. Think about it. We know who they are. We know their past. We know that we were basically used, drained and either discarded or left ourselves. Regardless, we know these truths, because we lived them. Who would want that? Nobody. The denial we live in fogs our brains. When we claim to "accept" the truth, we find ourselves repeating the same behaviors the very next day. When you feel this way, this is a clear sign of the degree to which we were emotionally abused. We cling, we snark, we spy, we pry, we wonder, we think, we obsess, we relive, we ruminate and we feel. All of this time and energy for someone who lied, cheated, betrayed, used, manipulated, and threw us away emotionally like a piece of trash. All of this energy for someone who treated us this way. I find it helpful to not only remind myself of the reasons why I left, but to also remind myself that each time I act impulsively, wonder or seek information, troll online profiles or search for what she's up to, is another time I'm only proving that she has power over me and thus to myself how damaged Iam. I guess it's different for everyone, but through this mental path above which I walk when I begin to stray to unhealthy habits, is a way I effectively find my inner pride that says, SCREW THAT. I WILL NOT EMPOWER YOU. I WILL NOT LET YOU OCCUPY ANOTHER NIGHT OF MY MIND.

It really is true. The ultimate redemption for your soul, and ironically the ultimate vengeance to our perpetrators is indifference and happiness.

We live for 75 years on average. The first 5 we can't recall, the first 18 we can't even make most decisions for ourselves, the last 10 or so our health declines. What a narrow window in time to be free, to be happy and to experience in full beauty the only life you will ever have on this Earth.

Enough is enough. Go live your life. Be free of this person. They don't define you and they won't be the person who is there for you in your darkest moments, to celebrate your brightest days and certainly won't be on your mind the day you take your last breath. Each moment focused on them, is another moment we will never have back.

[Fox Mulder]

I had found out that my replacement pretty much outdid me in every way - he was much more handsome, had more money, and was much cooler than me (had a convertible, wore leather jackets, smoked weed, played in a band). Within two months of our breakup, he had invited her to live with him in Texas - she lived in Georgia - and she's just finally happy. Finally happy.

There are a few ways to look at this.  The guy my former friend BPD is dating (the guy she told me she was going to leave for me because he was abusive and selfish and I'm not) is cute, has a nice car, has a stable job, and used to play in a band.  However, he admitted to me, once we started talking when my pwBPD was in the hospital, that he was working too much.  This is, I believe, what drove her to me.  She feared abandonment.  When she got out of the hospital, he told me that he was going to "keep her close."  Now, they are planning on getting their own place in a few months.  Eventually, this is going to trigger fears of engulfment. 

And sure, he is cute and whatever, but he is also the one who got her smoking weed again, and he also seems to have no understanding of the fact that alcohol makes her BPD symptoms ten times worse.  Based on what he told me, she controls him 100%.  He tries, but he is basically a doormat.  He basically let her just move herself in to his place, he couldn't make her stop smoking weed (she was up to 3-4 times daily and was coming to work smelling like it), he couldn't make her send back things she borrowed from me, and he couldn't make her get a job.  He accepts her excuses and believes her lies.  I admit that I was very much like him, but that was before she was diagnosed with BPD.  He has this knowledge and is doing nothing with it.  He's continuing on, just as he always did.

Also, don't believe for one second that your ex is truly happy.  Mine kept telling me how happy she was.  Meanwhile, her boyfriend was texting me about how she was flipping out on him and getting annoyed with everyone else.  Mine has also taken to Twitter, after creating an account two months ago and only tweeting once prior to last week.  She made it private and hardly has any followers, but this just screams "attention-seeking."  Also, I have to wonder.  Is she keeping it private because of me, or is she hiding things from him?  This is in addition to the fact that she changed her Facebook profile picture from a picture of her and her boyfriend to one of just her, after only using pictures of her and her boyfriend for five months.

I'm worried - foolishly, I know - that they're going to work out. He's going to be much better for her than I was. He's going to love her in a way that will keep her BPD traits from damaging the relationship. Hell, maybe her doctor was wrong and she doesn't have BPD at all, and she only acted that way because I was doing everything wrong.

There is no way to love a pwBPD that will those traits from surfacing, unless both are in therapy and committed to making it work.  Do you really think your ex's new man is going to take the time to go to therapy, read about BPD, and learn about how to communicate with a pwBPD?  And do you really think your ex is going to take the time to go to therapy and start the road to recovery?  A pwBPD doesn't just wake up one day and suddenly not have BPD anymore.

As for whether or not she truly has BPD, if the signs are there and a doctor diagnosed her, you can stop worrying about this.  I don't know if you know anything about your ex's past, but I know that mine is only 22 and has lived with more than one boyfriend, has had several different jobs, has cheated on her current boyfriend, and has raged and tried to get physical with her current boyfriend.  Not to mention her two suicide attempts, substance abuse, unsafe sex, and reckless driving. 

Thank you, SummerStorm. I don't want to hijack Popcorn71's thread, but I want you to know that I am incredibly appreciative of your kind words and advice. My ex is only 20, and it drives me crazy imagining her not only with someone else but also drinking and getting into drugs and risking her safety for sexual thrills. But I'm no longer her caretaker, so I need to let go. Thanks again.

[Mr Hollande]

I too hated my replacement but I don't anymore. He's a sad drug dealer who never got much of a chance in life and now he's with her. Everything I suffered he will suffer and he's less well equipped to deal with it let alone recover in the aftermath. I'm out of the warzone while he has it all to come.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I use to be in the same boat of hating my replacement.

Now I feel sorry for him because he is now married to my ex. He is willing to put up with selfish, needy, immature, insecure, insanely jealous woman and her big time dysfunctional family, then good luck fella... .

It took me a long time to realise but I am now free from all this madness. She is his problem now!

[Popcorn71]

It's getting worse.  I saw on fb photos of the replacement at a party sitting with a very good friend of mine laughing and hugging.  It made me sick that my so called friend could do this after knowing all i went through and how this person had contributed to my divorce.  The replacement is well and truely living my old life.  She now has my old friends too!  I don't feel that i can accept this fom my friend.  Things won't be the same now.  How much more of my life does the replacement want?  Hasn't she got enough now?

Am i over-reacting or would anyonr else feel this way too?

[disorderedsociety]

It's getting worse.  I saw on fb photos of the replacement at a party sitting with a very good friend of mine laughing and hugging.  It made me sick that my so called friend could do this after knowing all i went through and how this person had contributed to my divorce.  The replacement is well and truely living my old life.  She now has my old friends too!  I don't feel that i can accept this fom my friend.  Things won't be the same now.  How much more of my life does the replacement want?  Hasn't she got enough now?

Am i over-reacting or would anyonr else feel this way too?

I'd feel the same way, personally. I'd also put that friendship on the back burner until I feel better and escape the fog so I know how to handle it in the best way possible.

[SummerStorm]

I found out yesterday, in a letter from my former friend BPD, that she is moving across the country in two months and that her boyfriend is moving with her.  She's going to get treatment and to be closer to her parents, which is a good thing. 

But at the same time, I am still filled with jealousy.  Two months ago, she told me she wanted to marry me and live with me instead of him.  Now, she doesn't even want to be friends anymore.

I guess what I'm struggling with the most is that he is moving out there with her and that she is getting treatment.  A large part of me was hoping that they would break up and she would move out there with her parents and focus just on herself.  They've only been together for six months and only been living together for three months, he's only met her parents once, and neither one of them has even been to the state they are moving to.  Even though she is committed to getting better, she still has years of therapy to go through. 

I wish her the best, but I just wish her breakthrough moment would have happened years ago.  At the end of the day, she still very much has BPD.  If she didn't, she wouldn't impulsively move across the country with someone she's been dating for a few months, especially when she was raging on him a few weeks ago.  And he's obviously so caught up in everything that he isn't thinking  clearly.  He actually told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't sure if the relationship is going to work, and now he's planning on leaving his job, his friends, and his family to move 3,000 miles across the country.  I just hope he actually sat down and thought about this for a long time.  I know how persuasive she can be.  Hell, two months ago, I was ready to buy a house and start planning how I was going to propose to her.

I'm a pretty rational person, and even when I was being idealized, I proceeded with caution and tried not to get too caught up in things.  For example, I decided to buy a house rather than rent an apartment, as I knew it would take a few months to buy a house, giving me time to make sure that living with her was what I really wanted.  I also come from a family of planners.  Before we make any decision, we weigh all the possibilities and examine the situation from all angles.  A few years ago, my dad bought new tires for his truck and spent months researching the different brands before deciding on the ones he wanted.  To me, moving across the country with someone a few months after she tried to commit suicide and was diagnosed with an incredibly serious disorder just doesn't seem rational.  It also seems to lack any planning.  Neither one will have a job when they go out there.  They're moving somewhere they've never been to.  The decision was made very quickly.  A month ago, the plan was to go out there and visit her parents for a week or so in August.  And they might still go out there in August, but it still just seems too fast to me.  Having her move out there for a few months first so she can start therapy and get settled would make so much more sense. 

[ljuls]

I agree with the line of thought that it will cycle and repeat itself. My ex had recently stopped drinking heavily, and entertaining a harem of women and wanted "the chance to be the person that his mother raised him to be. " It was great for a while, life was beautiful, more or less.

In the end though, unless his mother raised him to be an abusive, lying, manipulative thief, history repeated itself, and then some.

My opinion: A person has to want to change quite badly to modify ingrained behaviors and turn themselves around to work towards a more healthy mindset and behaviors. Most don't have the self discipline and self control.

[Circle]

A good perspective to take is that, she will get the same treatment you did. It's only a matter of time. Nothing I would wish on an innocent person. But if she cheated

with your ex. Well then, she deserves every second of it.   

I agree completely. I think my ex has found someone; my ex is not reciprocating our normal post-romance friendship. I'll admit, it hurts my feelings. I'm a bit worried that I'll lose my friendship with my ex's kids too.

On the other hand, it removes me from the situation. Which, really isn't a bad thing. I'll have to adjust to it. Yet, I've adjusted to 100,000,000 other things in my life, so, I'll do it.

Plus, I know my ex will start in with the deal soon.

It goes like this; "This is what I want you to do for me." over and over and over.

Then, will come the sit down discussions (veiled reprimandings). Oh, it's all good. Enjoy the ride, replacement!

[Circle]

These buffoons are experts at triggering abandonment fears. But you must remember, in that example above, it's quite weird how we all the sudden are upset that they don't reply right? But at the same time it was our intention to GET THEM OUT OF OUR LIVES. Well shouldn't we be happy they don't reply? But instead we feel abandoned when they don't. The two things to remember here are 1) It's a mind game to trigger abandonment fears, to get you to internalize the loss, to do their job FOR them, by devaluing YOURSELF. This all occurring despite their lack of response being what we REALLY INTENDED ALL ALONG. It's a game they trigger, but ultimately WE CARRY OUT ON OURSELVES.

Don't fall in that trap. YOU are in control now. Walk yourself through it mentally and it will release all that anxiety, anguish and despair. It's just a game. Don't play it. Let him do his thing, you KNOW it will fail. And it will actually fail faster the less you ever hint that it bothers you.

Nicely put.

[Circle]

It really is true. The ultimate redemption for your soul, and ironically the ultimate vengeance to our perpetrators is indifference and happiness.

We live for 75 years on average. The first 5 we can't recall, the first 18 we can't even make most decisions for ourselves, the last 10 or so our health declines. What a narrow window in time to be free, to be happy and to experience in full beauty the only life you will ever have on this Earth.

Enough is enough. Go live your life. Be free of this person. They don't define you and they won't be the person who is there for you in your darkest moments, to celebrate your brightest days and certainly won't be on your mind the day you take your last breath. Each moment focused on them, is another moment we will never have back.

Awesome Quote! 

[Mr Hollande]

But at the same time, I am still filled with jealousy.  Two months ago, she told me she wanted to marry me and live with me instead of him.  Now, she doesn't even want to be friends anymore.

Take a moment to consider a role reversal. Would you feel comfortable being him if you knew that only a couple of months ago she'd approached the ex about dumping you and marrying him? Is that an enviable position? Sounds like misery to me.

[SummerStorm]

But at the same time, I am still filled with jealousy.  Two months ago, she told me she wanted to marry me and live with me instead of him.  Now, she doesn't even want to be friends anymore.

Take a moment to consider a role reversal. Would you feel comfortable being him if you knew that only a couple of months ago she'd approached the ex about dumping you and marrying him? Is that an enviable position? Sounds like misery to me.

Oh, the worst part is she never even approached him about it.  He still doesn't know anything.  Ignorance is bliss for him right now, but not if she goes and does it again and he finds out.  And I'm better off not being with her in that way, but for the most part, our friendship was actually good, so it's sad I lost that.

[Popcorn71]

I'd feel the same way, personally. I'd also put that friendship on the back burner until I feel better and escape the fog so I know how to handle it in the best way possible.

I've calmed down a little now.  I've decided that as I will be seeing this friend in a week or so, I will not mention anything and wait to see if she tells me anything about it.  This is a person I have not trusted 100% for a while so it will be a good way to find out how genuine she is.  Maybe it's time to end our friendship which would be a shame after 35 years but I don't need disloyal people in my life.  I've had enough of them.

[Cleveland]

Just a follow up on my earlier post, didn't feel like starting a new thread.

Five days after meeting me, the replacement called off their wedding.  Well I guess he suggested a separation, not sure how you do that before you're married, and she said she called it off out of fear that he will continue to do this (supposedly he said he was done a couple months ago).

I don't believe everything she said, and she was certainly projecting some of her traits on him (acts confident but totally insecure, all self worth comes from career, etc).

So I am guessing this will get interesting for me soon - glad they did it before the wedding so they didn't hang on trying to make it work for a few years only to have D3 be old enough to know what happened.  On flip side, he brought stability - financially, owns a house, etc.  I don't think she can afford much on her own, so I wouldn't be surprised if she asks at some point for me to "save her" and let her stay with me for awhile.

[disorderedsociety]

My BPDex was not an acting out kind until I left. When I left she had sex with a bunch of guys. Its hard to make sense of the disorder because on her medication she seemed stable enough but there was no connection anymore. Strangely I felt more connected to her before the meds and she did absolutely nothing on them, except reblog posts online and drink. I'm still somewhat convinced that the new guy somehow knows how to act around her that will make their relationship fulfilling, but I've seen signs of her mirroring him.

I guess the answers come in time but idk.

[apollotech]

I'm still somewhat convinced that the new guy somehow knows how to act around her that will make their relationship fulfilling... .

disordered,

It's not about him acting correctly, it's about her having control of herself. I am not saying that they won't last, but I doubt if it'll be "fulfilling." Go read on the Staying Board a bit.