Update and Any Advice?

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,

You can see my previous posts for some background. A few updates, I wanted to reach out to my wife on New Years because it’s a big holiday for her and her family, but I didn’t do it.

This week, she’s been calling or texting me every day pretty much with pretenses such as taxes, car registration renewal, etc, but it always turns into a longer conversation of 30-45 minutes about our relationship, life, how I’m the only one she can trust, etc.

Today, she called again right after and asked how I am said i sounded sad, etc. I think she is preparing to ask me for the aforementioned scenario of trying to get me to move out of state to where she is, and she’s also realizing how hard it is to survive without my large income. Other times she has seemed sincere and even told me I’m a good person and she’s sorry etc etc etc.

Also, she filed for divorce about a month ago, but she hasn’t told me and I haven’t been served any papers. I found out via an ad I got for a divorce lawyer.

So… what do I do? I think she is trying to set me up for a recycle and the tools I’ve learned have helped SOO much in our conversations this week. It makes me think we have a chance but I know we probably don’t because BPD.

Any help and guidance would be so greatly appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

In preparation for her bringing up the possibility of reconciliation, what can you think of that you have learned -- about yourself and about her -- and what would need to be different in future?

[bugwaterguy]

The biggest decision is what are YOU wanting.  Do you want to fight for this relationship?    Are you in a place where you can hope for the best, but be ok with the fact that she might never be in a place to provide emotional support?  If it never changes - can you live with that?

That being said - if you change your behavior, there is a good chance the relationship will improve.  If you are in a mental place where you are good with the relationship, even if it doesn't improve, it probably actually makes it more likely things will change.

Reading this might help - https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[WhatToDo47]

In preparation for her bringing up the possibility of reconciliation, what can you think of that you have learned -- about yourself and about her -- and what would need to be different in future?

The biggest thing that I've learned is communication skills for pwBPD. Before she left, I didn't even know BPD existed. I've spent 4 months straight, basically, learning about it. I always thought she could be "cured" of her behaviors. Now I know she can't, and I am willing to accept that.

What would need to be different in the future is that I would need to establish clearer boundaries, financially, emotionally, behaviorally, etc.

Does this sound workable?

[WhatToDo47]

The biggest decision is what are YOU wanting.  Do you want to fight for this relationship?    Are you in a place where you can hope for the best, but be ok with the fact that she might never be in a place to provide emotional support?  If it never changes - can you live with that?

That being said - if you change your behavior, there is a good chance the relationship will improve.  If you are in a mental place where you are good with the relationship, even if it doesn't improve, it probably actually makes it more likely things will change.

Reading this might help - https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Thank you for the link and I will check out the article for sure.

What I honestly want is our relationship and marriage to continue. I can't imagine myself with anyone else, and it's not because I don't have self-esteem or think she's going to be perfectly behaved all of the sudden, it's because she really is special to me and I love her (though I wish I didn't sometimes). Also, the way she acts out (spending, eating, raging, etc) I am willing to tolerate. She doesn't cheat like many BPD do and that would be my dealbreaker.

I have definitely accepted that she might never be able to provide stability or true emotional support. I am strong and have been in therapy myself to build myself back up while she's been gone. I have a great support system for emotional support and wouldn't expect that from her.

The biggest issue now is that she is back in our home state, so to try again I would have to move back there and give up a very stable and high paying job that we need the money from. Also, she has my entire family split black, so I would have to have less contact with them.

Also, my family has been my support system since she left, and has helped build me back up from very low. If I take her back, they will all be very upset and I don't know if they will ever support our relationship again. I would be burning many bridges if I get back with her.

In the past, I knew nothing of BPD and always tried to use logic when she was dysregulated, was very invalidating, and now I know that was the worst thing I could do. In our recent phone conversations, I have been validating and not JADEing and it's been night and day. She and I both can tell the difference.

She's told me that I'm the only one left that she can trust and that "gets her."

All of these questions are super helpful.

Is there a chance? Do I throw away my life here for a chance of a future? I know that the decision is mine at the end of the day, I'm just looking for things to consider/people who have been in similar situations and how it turned out, etc.

Thank you all truly

[WhatToDo47]

One more relevant piece of info. Literally the day before she fled back to home state she said she'd never ever move back there. Now that she's there she says she'll never ever move back here. So, there's a decent chance I'd move back there and she would change her mind at any unpredictable time.