Do you think I'm free already?

[misty_red]

After the final discard from my exBPDgf with her words „Leave me alone finally.“ (at that point we were already broken up and only friends) I reached out to her one week later via message to only tell her we should behave civil in practice (we were in the same sports team). She didn’t respond, but also was absent that time in practice for six weeks. Afer that I went NC for five weeksa. Then she came back to practice and some weird smearing campaign started. Whenever she had to throw the ball at the goal to score (I am a goalkeeper) she first let slip the ball on purpose or would throw next to the goal on purpose. At some point she just stopped throwing the ball at all and refused to throw it. We are two goalkeepers but she only did it when I was the one standing in the goal. I think this happened as a sort of punishing me because I was being in NC and ignoring her in practice. I didn’t ignore her entirely. I treated her like a team mate, but wouldn’t speak to her or look her in the eyes. I guess that made her mad, also that I wasn’t begging and pleading her to come back anymore (what I did all of the times before and made her come back) – anyhow, when smearing me she didn’t seem happy about doing so, actually she seemed very humiliated and embarrassed. Weird. She also started cutting again after the first week being together in practice again. I felt sorry, reached out one more time and wrote that we could talk, but she didn’t reply. Some days later she left the team because she wasn’t allowed to play a match due to tactical reasons. So the smearing was gone. Thank god.

What pisses me off is that she’s not out of my life entirely: we have a Whatsapp-group-chat and she’s still in it even though it’s none of her business anymore and I don’t understand why she’s still in it – she hated it even when still being part of the team. I think she’s doing it to show me that she’s still around so I can’t ever forget about her, I also think she’s trying to keep tabs on me. Doesn’t work because I don’t write in that group anymore. She won’t be getting any information anymore.

This week was her birthday and I did not congratulate her. Of course I would’ve liked to (and I even lit a candle and sent wishes to the universe) but I didn’t reach out to her.

Do you think she’ll get it eventually that I’m done? With not writing in the group anymore and not congratulating her. Or do you think she thinks it’s some stupid game of silent treatment and that I want to punish her? I mean, if she’s projecting then I guess she really thinks I’m playing games and am messing around but I’m not. I want to tell her off (which I obviously can’t tell because I’m NC and she wouldn’t get it/believe me anyway). I just want her out of the group already… it pisses me off. I want her out of my life. Do you think I’m free already? I guess not congratulating her turned me into the blackest of black so I guess I‘m save now and she won’t be trying to reach out in the future? She’s also leaving town for good by December so there’d be no need to reach out again.

Do you think I’m free or can’t I ever be sure about that?

[Mr Hollande]

You reach out and she'll push you away. You ignore her and she'll be all over you. For a while anyway. Long enough to get under your armour and poke you with a red hot rod again. Just grant her her wish and leave her alone finally. And forever! Let her beg, stalk, ignore, discard or just plain rot away out of sight but grant her that wish.

[Mutt]

You treated her like a teammate and there's discomfort as well. She is sensitive to rejection. Something you may not perceive as rejection, however small it is she may perceive as being rejected. It could be because you didn't look at her. Her feelings are hurt as well - she has maladaptive coping skills and can't regulate emotions.

anyhow, when smearing me she didn’t seem happy about doing so, actually she seemed very humiliated and embarrassed

She has feelings as well and you're likely right she feels humiliation and shame. A smear campaign is an acute reaction to  anxiety and stress for the borderline and her fear of abandonment was triggered.

The Whats-App group chat. I'd cut her some slack, it could be that she forgo, she's uncomfortable a multitude of reasons why. I'd try not read too much into it . She's in the chat and silent. It is what it is.

[misty_red]

Thank you for your replies!

Mutt: I thought so. I didn't feel good when ignoring her but it was the only way to respect her "Leave me alone finally". Because I felt so guilty and hurt (believe me, it hurt ignoring her like that, especially when I saw that she'd cut herself recently... .) I even reached out, apologized for ignoring her and told her that I didn't like to do it and that we could talk. But she didn't respond. Why didn't she when me ignoring her made her feel so abandonded? Because I was painted black already or because she wasn't aware that it hurt her or she didn't want to show me how much it hurt her?

Me reaching out was all about keeping things civil in practice because I wanted to prevent these things from happenening... .Yet they happened because I was the one being ignored in the first place. For me this wasn't a game and I also am not blaming her for anything. I know it's the illness and I still feel sorry for her. I even feel sorry for not congratulating her on her birthday. Sometimes it feels like self-harming even. Still I have to keep NC for my own sake.

About the group-chat: it's been a month now since she's left the team. Our team writes daily in that group, so my exgf hasn't forgotten about the group-chat and that she's in it. Not when she's being reminded of it every single day. She has no connection to our team anymore, doesn't want to see our matches, doesn't want to know how they went etc. and yet she's in the group. It even took her long to get into the group in the first place. She withdrew a long time to be added into the group and now she won't leave. I just think it's weird and I know I shouldn't read too much into it yet I feel like she wants me to feel like she's omnipresent, always around and also that I won't forget about her existence. I'm not mad at her, I don't hate her. In some way I feel compassion for her and yet it still pisses me off. When I am such a huge trigger to her that she needed to discard me in such a cruel way she did why then still being around that trigger? I just don't understand it. That's it. She wants ME to leave HER alone... .I know, it's the disordered thinking and someone not suffering from BPD won't understand it. I get it. Yet I feel like even NC isn't working... .

[Mutt]

Because I felt so guilty and hurt (believe me, it hurt ignoring her like that, especially when I saw that she'd cut herself recently... .)

These feelings will go away. It takes time.

Yet I feel like even NC isn't working

It takes time and you also need to detach. NC is a radical measure to remove ourselves from someone that is toxic in our lives. That's half of the equation and it's not enough to simply go "No Contact" The other half  of the equation is detachment.

If you look at the right side of the forum and check the The five stages of Detachment

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I would suggest following the lessons step by step. It's the attachment that causes your suffering.

Case in point:

she's in the group

she's omnipresent

Control is an illusion. She's not omnipresent.

Here's my point.

Anaïs Nin — 'We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.'

You feel like she has some sort of control over you and your life because you're still attached and your not seeing things as they are. Continue detaching, work through the steps, be patient and remember that this takes time.

What stage do you feel you are at in the The five stages of Detachment?