ex BPD

[cron65]

I just wrote a nice email to my soon to be ex BPD girlfriend. I told her that I am aware of her struggles... things that she has struggled with long before I came into the picture. She wrote back to me that she didn't know what I was referring to.

I assume that would be a typical response? Am I right or not?... please offer your suggestions.

[Clearmind]

Emails like that would rarely be received well - BPD or not!

Maybe it's time to start saving yourself and leave her to save herself.

You both have healing to do independent of one another

How can you begin to let go rather than hold on?

[Split black]

I just wrote a nice email to my soon to be ex BPD girlfriend. I told her that I am aware of her struggles... things that she has struggled with long before I came into the picture. She wrote back to me that she didn't know what I was referring to.

I assume that would be a typical response? Am I right or not?... please offer your suggestions.

BPDers hate themselves, the last thing they want to hear is one more thing to add to the long list of things they hate about themselves. Hearing that they have a flaw -- or have made a mistake -- is extremely painful to them. To protect themselves from that pain, they persist in believing -- truly believing at the conscious level -- that they are victims.  Having said that... this last time I laid into mine big time, let mine know she had BPD... . sent her a list of what she does and did... . cheating, lying, manipulating etc etc ad nauseam. She blame shifted ALL onto me, said I did those things and I disgusted her and to never contact her again... . and she erased my number, and I was to do the same. And has since recycled her original bf of 4 years for the 40th time.  I was banished and there has been no contact NC for 5 weeks... . this time its forever. No doubt.

[cron65]

I have moved on. For me, I pity her... don't get me wrong, I will always care for her well being. I try to take only the good from the relationship. But am I angry... hell ya! I wished someone had told me earlier, before I made such a heavy investment in the relat. of what I facing. A family member... her ex... someone. At least I could have held a few cards. So yes, I am pissed because I invested a lot in the relat. and now there is nothing. NOthing is normal about the whole thing... . it's almost like a dream.

[AwakenedOne]

So yes, I am pissed because I invested a lot in the relat. and now there is nothing.

Look at this in a different way instead... . now there is everything. You are free and you have the rest of your life to find a healthy partner that is right for you. Maybe write a list of all the bad things your ex did to you that were wrong during your relationship. Say... . it totals 100 things... . Just think, now there will never be a 101st thing for you to deal with. I know you meant well sending her that email. I'd let it rest now and go NC. She's in a different reality. If your ex is anything like mine she'd be somewhat angry or confused with that email.  

[HappyNihilist]

cron, the denial definitely is a typical response. Especially for someone with BPD, but honestly, I think a lot of people would react negatively to that. I know you meant well, and I'm not saying that you said anything hurtful at all -- but few people enjoy hearing about their flaws, much less a pwBPD.

I understand your anger and pity and all of that. I go through the same things myself. Sometimes all at once!

Look at this in a different way instead... . now there is everything. You are free and you have the rest of your life to find a healthy partner that is right for you. Maybe write a list of all the bad things your ex did to you that were wrong during your relationship. Say... . it totals 100 things... . Just think, now there will never be a 101st thing for you to deal with.

This is a brilliant idea. I love it. 

[cron65]

I talked with a therapist yesterday... actually I did most of the talking. It was good for me. She gave me some literature on BPD. In it says that most BPDs get better by midlife(not the case with my ex). I thought that most don't get any better, esp. if they don't partake in any therapy and even then it is hard for them... and the therapist. My ex suffered from low self-esteem but she was also very high on herself. She always cited her hi IQ to me. With me she had moments where she seemed invincible and displayed a very confident and mature facade... but it never was sustained.

My question is this: knowing how haughty and arrogant she was at times, if she were to go to therapy would she be able to digest any of the therapist's advice. She things black and white and I find it hard to believe that she would view any constructive criticism as anything but a personal attack... not able to think in the gray.

Can anyone expand on this?... thank you