Anatomy of Divorce: Part I

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Anatomy of Divorce: Part I

• What can I expect?



• Preparing for divorce



• Start documenting



• Filing for divorce



• Hiring a lawyer

What Can I Expect?

Divorcing someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder presents some unique challenges, although there are also some common patterns. In this lesson, we attempt to outline the common steps of a divorce or custody battle when one party has BPD, a process that is difficult to summarize because family law courts vary by country, state, province, and also by situation, including the degree of severity in the BPD behaviors and our responses to the conflict.

Because our situations aren’t always the same, it’s important to consult a local attorney to understand exactly how things work where you live. Consulting with a lawyer does not necessarily mean making a decision about divorce. It just means gathering factual information prior to the divorce or custody battle so that you can make informed decisions when, and if, you find yourself being served divorce papers or decide to file for divorce yourself.

Too often, we put off gathering information about divorce and custody because we might not be emotionally prepared to make a decision. Or, we gather inaccurate information online or from friends. The truth is that BPD relationships can be emotionally volatile and if we do not gather accurate information, the decision to end the relationship may be made for us.

Being caught off guard can make a stressful situation even more stressful when family court or even criminal court becomes involved as a result of false allegations or domestic violence.

Preparing for divorce

Understanding your own psychological and emotional state is important! Many of us find ourselves faced with divorce at a point when we are flooded with feelings, and these feelings have a tremendous impact not only on our psychological and emotional well-being, but on the outcomes of the divorce itself.

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. If you are initiating divorce, you may experience fear, relief, detachment, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. If your spouse filed divorce or had an affair, you may be feeling shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to get even, and perhaps wishes to reconcile. BPD relationships are often abusive, and the strain of being married to someone who is mentally ill may have affected your health. You may be struggling with tremendous guilt, fear, fatigue, anxiety, and other stressors that make it difficult to think clearly at a time when you are making important decisions about your future.

To help center yourself as you begin to make decisions and develop goals and a strategy for your divorce, take the time to understand what you are going through psychologically and emotionally. Don’t skip this step! Divorcing someone with BPD is not easy. However, there is also potential for tremendous healing, especially if you apply new skills and lessons to the divorce process, like learning to be assertive, developing good boundaries, practing validation, and taking care of yourself.

Pay particularly close attention to any issues you may have with guilt. Family courts are largely not designed to deal with guilt. If you are the victim of abuse and somehow feel guilty, or believe you deserve or caused the abuse, court will baffle you. As much as you can, work through feelings of guilt with a therapist or counselor, and do not expect court to deliver a verdict about guilt or innocence for either of you.

Read more about the psychological and emotional stages of divorce here.

Start documenting

Documentation is especially important if you have kids, but anyone going through a BPD divorce needs to be documenting, especially if your spouse is a high-conflict personality. These are typically people who have a personality disorder in addition to being persuasive blamers, recruit negative advocates, and have a target of blame (you). To learn more about high-conflict personalities and what they are, visit Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute (www.highconflictinstitute.com).

You might be unsure about whether the marriage can be saved, or else you feel afraid to file, worried what will happen to your kids. No matter what you do, whether you stay or go, keep detailed documentation in a safe, private place where your spouse will not stumble across your records. Keep detailed records of what you do, as well as what she does. Keep a journal, or mark your calendar with doctor appointments, after school activities, rages toward you and the kids, negligence, substance abuse, child endangerment. If your spouse is the type to make false allegations, keep receipts so you can provide your whereabouts if necessary.

If your case ends up before a judge, keep in mind that family law court is more like a factory than what you see on television. Things move very quickly -- this is not about justice, it’s about who loses less. Major decisions are made on what can be very little evidence, so it’s important to be organized and prepared. If you hire a lawyer, he or she will prepare evidence, but you have to help prepare the evidence so that your lawyer can efficiently look through what you have and make quick decisions about what items to use in court. This will save you money.

If you live in a one-party consent state, you can record your spouse without asking permission. However, lawyers treat this evidence very carefully. Not all courts like to see spouses recording each other, and you may be scolded by a judge for doing so. Or, the judge may not allow the recording unless it is verified by a forensic IT expert, to prove that the recording has not been doctored or fabricated. Some members on bpdfamily live in two-party consent states, and choose to record their spouses as a way to protect themselves from false allegations. In some states, police officers who are called to investigate a domestic violence claim may view the recording to determine who to arrest. If you are concerned about false allegations, consult with a lawyer to find out how things work where you live.

A word about documenting. It goes both ways, so pay close attention to your own behavior, especially if you have kids. In particular, watch what you post to social media. In a study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, authors revealed that 81% of divorce attorneys surveys noted an increase in the number of cases where social networking sites were used as evidence. Discovery rules and ethical guidelines have been unable to keep pace with the use of social networking sites. Be mindful that legal and ethical precedents on this subject are slow in coming.

Filing for Divorce

The decision to file for divorce is often made when the relationship is beyond repair. Often, something happens to cause one party to file for divorce. When your partner is BPD, it is not uncommon for there to be false allegations, threats, or violence. Criminal charges may be filed, or one of you may get a restraining order (RO) or order of protection (OOP) against the other. It is not uncommon for both parties to feel a significant amount of fear, anxiety, depression, and even paranoia. This is a temporary state of high stress that will hopefully pass as the two of you begin to separate your lives, and bring in outside help to guide you through the divorce process.

When a spouse with BPD senses impending separation or divorce, especially when there are kids involved, he or she may escalate the conflict. A BPD spouse may try to stack the deck in his or her favor by (1) blocking access to the children, (2) filing false allegations of domestic violence and/or (3) filing false allegations of child abuse. Some spouses may hide assets or may be ready to serve divorce papers while talking about long-term plans that include a future together.

Family law court works a little different than other courts. Who files first for divorce may not matter. However, sometimes one party may file because there is a perceived advantage. In family law proceedings, it matters less if you are the “plaintiff” or “defendant” -- the labels are largely technical. What matters most is being informed about how the process works so you can put together a strategy.

You can file for divorce with or without a lawyer, although there are risks to going through the process on your own. If you represent yourself (often called pro se or pro tem), the forms may be available from the courthouse or the court website, and the clerk of court may be able to help you with basic questions about which forms to use. Filing for divorce usually involves a document that includes complaints against the other party, and a requested settlement, plus financial issues and custody issues if there are minor children. This will vary depending on where you live, so do your research well.

Hiring a Lawyer

It is highly recommended that you retain a lawyer to represent you. At the very least, it’s a good idea to consult with a lawyer. Consultations can cost approximately $100-$500 for 30 minutes to an hour and will give you an opportunity to ask important questions specific to your case. It’s also a good idea to talk to several lawyers to see what each of them has to say about your situation, and to see how you feel working with different styles. If you end up filing for divorce and there are kids involved, this person is going to become very important to you.

If there are no children involved, and not much money, and if both parties can be moderately reasonable, it may be okay to represent yourself. Many of the people on the Family Law board here at bpdfamily are in high-conflict divorces and have children. They require experts to help them navigate the divorce process. However, not all people with BPD are high-conflict personalities (HCPs), so while it is safe to assume these divorces will be painful, they do not necessarily have to be high conflict. We recommend that you read A Theory of the Pattern of Blame and High-Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders to determine the level of risk you face divorcing your spouse and plan accordingly. In high-conflict divorces, if you have a child together and don’t agree about custody, or if there are assets at stake, a lawyer is highly recommended.

We recommend that you read Splitting by Bill Eddy, or High-Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders to help you find a good lawyer for your case. You want someone who is assertive but not aggressive, and definitely not someone who is passive or dismissive.

Many of us who come out of long-term high-conflict BPD marriages have a tendency to be conflict avoidant. This can be a problem when you hire someone at $300 or $500 to represent you in the fight of your life, only to discover that he or she does not share your goals and cannot articulate a strategy. If your lawyer does not listen to you, does not return your calls or emails promptly, and seems to be making deals without your consent, or allows continuances without checking in with you, or cannot explain your strategy, find another person to represent you. Your lawyer works for you, which is why it’s important to understand how things work -- you are the expert on what is best for you and your kids. Your lawyer is hired to help you successfully reach your goals.

An important thing to also keep in mind is that most lawyers deal with relatively low-conflict divorces, and unless they understand the level of mental illness involved in your case, they will assume your spouse is going to be reasonable. Unfortunately, how your spouse behaves in the marriage is likely how your spouse will behave during the divorce. If he or she does not have a lot of respect for boundaries, consequences, limitations, and authority now, not much will change during the divorce, even when a judge becomes involved. Keep this in mind when you talk to lawyers. Otherwise you may find yourself saddled with a strategy that does not work for high-conflict divorces.

A word about collaborative law. The way collaborative divorces work is that both lawyers sign a contract that commits them to avoid litigation. This means that if the parties cannot agree, the lawyers cannot take the case to court. For high-conflict divorces, there is a higher than average chance that you may need to go to court, or at least need the threat of going to court as leverage.

If the parties do not agree during the collaborative law process, then the lawyers are out. Both you and your spouse will need to hire new lawyers and start all over from scratch. This typically means hiring a lawyer to go directly to trial when you’ve already played all of your cards, a very weak bargaining position when you’re dealing with someone who has BPD. Think carefully about whether you want to take the risk with a collaborative law approach.

Anatomy of Divorce: Part II

• Serving the papers



• The response



• Mediation



• Arbitration



• Temporary orders



• Final orders



• Divorce decree



• Property division

Anatomy of Divorce: Part III

• Discovery



• Depositions



• Hearings and trials



• Motions for contempt



• Ex parte motions

Anatomy of Divorce: Part IV

• Custody evaluation



• Psychological evaluation



• Visitation



• Rights of first refusal



• Expert or third-party witnesses



• Guardian ad litem



• Parenting coordinator



• Child advocate



• Co-parent counseling

[livednlearned]

Anatomy of Divorce: Part I

• What can I expect?



• Preparing for divorce



• Start documenting



• Filing for divorce



• Hiring a lawyer

What Can I Expect?

Divorcing someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder presents some unique challenges, although there are also some common patterns. In this lesson, we attempt to outline the common steps of a divorce or custody battle when one party has BPD, a process that is difficult to summarize because family law courts vary by country, state, province, and also by situation, including the degree of severity in the BPD behaviors and our responses to the conflict.

Because our situations aren’t always the same, it’s important to consult a local attorney to understand exactly how things work where you live. Consulting with a lawyer does not necessarily mean making a decision about divorce. It just means gathering factual information prior to the divorce or custody battle so that you can make informed decisions when, and if, you find yourself being served divorce papers or decide to file for divorce yourself.

Too often, we put off gathering information about divorce and custody because we might not be emotionally prepared to make a decision. Or, we gather inaccurate information online or from friends. The truth is that BPD relationships can be emotionally volatile and if we do not gather accurate information, the decision to end the relationship may be made for us.

Being caught off guard can make a stressful situation even more stressful when family court or even criminal court becomes involved as a result of false allegations or domestic violence.

Preparing for divorce

Understanding your own psychological and emotional state is important! Many of us find ourselves faced with divorce at a point when we are flooded with feelings, and these feelings have a tremendous impact not only on our psychological and emotional well-being, but on the outcomes of the divorce itself.

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. If you are initiating divorce, you may experience fear, relief, detachment, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. If your spouse filed divorce or had an affair, you may be feeling shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to get even, and perhaps wishes to reconcile. BPD relationships are often abusive, and the strain of being married to someone who is mentally ill may have affected your health. You may be struggling with tremendous guilt, fear, fatigue, anxiety, and other stressors that make it difficult to think clearly at a time when you are making important decisions about your future.

To help center yourself as you begin to make decisions and develop goals and a strategy for your divorce, take the time to understand what you are going through psychologically and emotionally. Don’t skip this step! Divorcing someone with BPD is not easy. However, there is also potential for tremendous healing, especially if you apply new skills and lessons to the divorce process, like learning to be assertive, developing good boundaries, practing validation, and taking care of yourself.

Pay particularly close attention to any issues you may have with guilt. Family courts are largely not designed to deal with guilt. If you are the victim of abuse and somehow feel guilty, or believe you deserve or caused the abuse, court will baffle you. As much as you can, work through feelings of guilt with a therapist or counselor, and do not expect court to deliver a verdict about guilt or innocence for either of you.

Read more about the psychological and emotional stages of divorce here.

Start documenting

Documentation is especially important if you have kids, but anyone going through a BPD divorce needs to be documenting, especially if your spouse is a high-conflict personality. These are typically people who have a personality disorder in addition to being persuasive blamers, recruit negative advocates, and have a target of blame (you). To learn more about high-conflict personalities and what they are, visit Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute (www.highconflictinstitute.com).

You might be unsure about whether the marriage can be saved, or else you feel afraid to file, worried what will happen to your kids. No matter what you do, whether you stay or go, keep detailed documentation in a safe, private place where your spouse will not stumble across your records. Keep detailed records of what you do, as well as what she does. Keep a journal, or mark your calendar with doctor appointments, after school activities, rages toward you and the kids, negligence, substance abuse, child endangerment. If your spouse is the type to make false allegations, keep receipts so you can provide your whereabouts if necessary.

If your case ends up before a judge, keep in mind that family law court is more like a factory than what you see on television. Things move very quickly -- this is not about justice, it’s about who loses less. Major decisions are made on what can be very little evidence, so it’s important to be organized and prepared. If you hire a lawyer, he or she will prepare evidence, but you have to help prepare the evidence so that your lawyer can efficiently look through what you have and make quick decisions about what items to use in court. This will save you money.

If you live in a one-party consent state, you can record your spouse without asking permission. However, lawyers treat this evidence very carefully. Not all courts like to see spouses recording each other, and you may be scolded by a judge for doing so. Or, the judge may not allow the recording unless it is verified by a forensic IT expert, to prove that the recording has not been doctored or fabricated. Some members on bpdfamily live in two-party consent states, and choose to record their spouses as a way to protect themselves from false allegations. In some states, police officers who are called to investigate a domestic violence claim may view the recording to determine who to arrest. If you are concerned about false allegations, consult with a lawyer to find out how things work where you live.

A word about documenting. It goes both ways, so pay close attention to your own behavior, especially if you have kids. In particular, watch what you post to social media. In a study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, authors revealed that 81% of divorce attorneys surveys noted an increase in the number of cases where social networking sites were used as evidence. Discovery rules and ethical guidelines have been unable to keep pace with the use of social networking sites. Be mindful that legal and ethical precedents on this subject are slow in coming.

Filing for Divorce

The decision to file for divorce is often made when the relationship is beyond repair. Often, something happens to cause one party to file for divorce. When your partner is BPD, it is not uncommon for there to be false allegations, threats, or violence. Criminal charges may be filed, or one of you may get a restraining order (RO) or order of protection (OOP) against the other. It is not uncommon for both parties to feel a significant amount of fear, anxiety, depression, and even paranoia. This is a temporary state of high stress that will hopefully pass as the two of you begin to separate your lives, and bring in outside help to guide you through the divorce process.

When a spouse with BPD senses impending separation or divorce, especially when there are kids involved, he or she may escalate the conflict. A BPD spouse may try to stack the deck in his or her favor by (1) blocking access to the children, (2) filing false allegations of domestic violence and/or (3) filing false allegations of child abuse. Some spouses may hide assets or may be ready to serve divorce papers while talking about long-term plans that include a future together.

Family law court works a little different than other courts. Who files first for divorce may not matter. However, sometimes one party may file because there is a perceived advantage. In family law proceedings, it matters less if you are the “plaintiff” or “defendant” -- the labels are largely technical. What matters most is being informed about how the process works so you can put together a strategy.

You can file for divorce with or without a lawyer, although there are risks to going through the process on your own. If you represent yourself (often called pro se or pro tem), the forms may be available from the courthouse or the court website, and the clerk of court may be able to help you with basic questions about which forms to use. Filing for divorce usually involves a document that includes complaints against the other party, and a requested settlement, plus financial issues and custody issues if there are minor children. This will vary depending on where you live, so do your research well.

Hiring a Lawyer

It is highly recommended that you retain a lawyer to represent you. At the very least, it’s a good idea to consult with a lawyer. Consultations can cost approximately $100-$500 for 30 minutes to an hour and will give you an opportunity to ask important questions specific to your case. It’s also a good idea to talk to several lawyers to see what each of them has to say about your situation, and to see how you feel working with different styles. If you end up filing for divorce and there are kids involved, this person is going to become very important to you.

If there are no children involved, and not much money, and if both parties can be moderately reasonable, it may be okay to represent yourself. Many of the people on the Family Law board here at bpdfamily are in high-conflict divorces and have children. They require experts to help them navigate the divorce process. However, not all people with BPD are high-conflict personalities (HCPs), so while it is safe to assume these divorces will be painful, they do not necessarily have to be high conflict. We recommend that you read A Theory of the Pattern of Blame and High-Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders to determine the level of risk you face divorcing your spouse and plan accordingly. In high-conflict divorces, if you have a child together and don’t agree about custody, or if there are assets at stake, a lawyer is highly recommended.

We recommend that you read Splitting by Bill Eddy, or High-Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders to help you find a good lawyer for your case. You want someone who is assertive but not aggressive, and definitely not someone who is passive or dismissive.

Many of us who come out of long-term high-conflict BPD marriages have a tendency to be conflict avoidant. This can be a problem when you hire someone at $300 or $500 to represent you in the fight of your life, only to discover that he or she does not share your goals and cannot articulate a strategy. If your lawyer does not listen to you, does not return your calls or emails promptly, and seems to be making deals without your consent, or allows continuances without checking in with you, or cannot explain your strategy, find another person to represent you. Your lawyer works for you, which is why it’s important to understand how things work -- you are the expert on what is best for you and your kids. Your lawyer is hired to help you successfully reach your goals.

An important thing to also keep in mind is that most lawyers deal with relatively low-conflict divorces, and unless they understand the level of mental illness involved in your case, they will assume your spouse is going to be reasonable. Unfortunately, how your spouse behaves in the marriage is likely how your spouse will behave during the divorce. If he or she does not have a lot of respect for boundaries, consequences, limitations, and authority now, not much will change during the divorce, even when a judge becomes involved. Keep this in mind when you talk to lawyers. Otherwise you may find yourself saddled with a strategy that does not work for high-conflict divorces.

A word about collaborative law. The way collaborative divorces work is that both lawyers sign a contract that commits them to avoid litigation. This means that if the parties cannot agree, the lawyers cannot take the case to court. For high-conflict divorces, there is a higher than average chance that you may need to go to court, or at least need the threat of going to court as leverage.

If the parties do not agree during the collaborative law process, then the lawyers are out. Both you and your spouse will need to hire new lawyers and start all over from scratch. This typically means hiring a lawyer to go directly to trial when you’ve already played all of your cards, a very weak bargaining position when you’re dealing with someone who has BPD. Think carefully about whether you want to take the risk with a collaborative law approach.

Anatomy of Divorce: Part II

• Serving the papers



• The response



• Mediation



• Arbitration



• Temporary orders



• Final orders



• Divorce decree



• Property division

Anatomy of Divorce: Part III

• Discovery



• Depositions



• Hearings and trials



• Motions for contempt



• Ex parte motions

Anatomy of Divorce: Part IV

• Custody evaluation



• Psychological evaluation



• Visitation



• Rights of first refusal



• Expert or third-party witnesses



• Guardian ad litem



• Parenting coordinator



• Child advocate



• Co-parent counseling