So Sad

[loveandcare]

Hi Everyone -

It's me again. It's been an awful 6 months, culminating in our 18 yr old BPD DD walking out "for good" a couple of weeks ago. I have no idea where she is. She pretty much cut off all communication. She has no money, thanks to getting entangled in a scam which saw her bank go hundreds into the red, so I have no idea how she is affording to live/eat (and I daren't think about it too much either, because of course prostitution is the obvious thing). I am 99.9% sure she is using drugs (the small % she may not be is due to her lack of money, but I'm well aware she could get drugs through other "means" UGH!). She has never had a job to speak of. She babysat once... .they never called back. She worked in a store once... .they never called back.  

Like you all, we have spent years and years, not to mention thousands of dollars, in a vain attempt to help her help herself. Total waste of time, energy, and effort. And heart-breakingly sad to witness her spiral downwards. The grief is so real - I have lost the daughter that I knew. It really does feel like a death, but without the closure.

We have said she can come back if she will agree to get treatment for the drug abuse, which she declined. She was getting treatment for opioid abuse, but a weekly drug test showed amphetamines - she thought she was only getting tested for opioids obviously.  

Anyway - I am taking it hard. The last 6 years we have been battling this, and it has taken its tole on me. I am very anxious and depressed. Unfortunately I am trying to hold it together as a f/t student. However, I am feeling paranoid and jumpy and I've been called out by a professor as "incompetent". I'm devastated, to say the least. And ashamed. I'm thinking of dropping out, but then I feel angry about the impact my DDs behavior has had on me.

I'm just not sure how to get back to feeling somewhat normal.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Loveandcare,

I'm so sorry to hear everything you've been through. I'm glad you came here for support.

I could have written your post. My dd21 also left "for good" recently, only job she's held for max two months is as a stripper, (she's been fired from probably ten strip clubs), she's addicted to meth. I am also a full time student.

You're so right about it being a death without the closure. And the personal toll it takes is astonishing. I'm sorry you're struggling with school. I've found it so hard to be motivated in the depths of grief. It is getting easier though, as time goes by with no drama and I start reclaiming my sense of self. I hope that will be the case for you too.

What are you doing for self care? Do you have your own therapist, support system?

You've set a great boundary for her getting help for the drug use. I hope that despite the intense grief you can start doing things for and focusing  on yourself.

HB

[loveandcare]

Thank you for responding! I know you’re right... .the rational part of me knows I need to think of my own health - emotional, physical, and mental. I guess I’m realizing just how fragile I am: one little knock and I fall apart emotionally. I’ve stayed so strong for so long, my resistance has gone.
I’m not sure if taking time away from school will help or hinder. Wish I had a crystal ball! Lol

[medianeh]

I so understand every bit of what you are going through!

My DD26 has recently "cut me off", and honestly I feel such a sense of relief.  I didn't realize how much of a toll this has taken on me health wise.  Between the drugs and constant turmoil, I've realized that this really is whats best for now.  She thinks she's punishing me, but in reality, she's doing me a favor.  I have a 14 year old son that needs me, and  needs me to be healthy for him.

I sent my dd a text and told her that I loved her, and when she's done choosing her drugs and druggie friends over family and family support, and when she is ready to seek help, I will be there.

I read a post the other day on Facebook that talked about "letting go".  Here it is (for some reason I can't post the actual picture of it), but after reflecting on this for the past couple days, I feel relieved that I really have "let go."

"Letting Go"

Letting go does not mean to stop caring; it means I cannot do it for someone else.
Letting go is not cut myself off, it is the realization that I cannot control another.
Letting go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
Letting go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
Letting go is not try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
Letting go is not to care for, but to care about.
Letting go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
Letting go is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.
Letting go is not be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
Letting go is not be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
Letting go is not to deny, but to accept.
Letting go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
Letting go is not to criticize and regulate, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
Letting go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
Letting go is to fear less, and to love more.

I've read this so many times, that I'm literally hanging on to every word written.   My mother passed away October 3, 2018 from pancreatic cancer (22 days after she was diagnosed).  I've not even had the chance to grieve for her and I've been so caught up in all that's going on with my dd.  It makes me angry, and I feel cheated.   However, with the above and really "letting go", I feel like I can finally move on.

medianeh

[Huat]

Hello Loveandcare.

My story, while just as heartbreaking for me as yours is for you, is not your story.  With that said, along comes Hyacinth Bucket and Medianeh to wrap their arms around you, letting you know the journeys they travel with their daughters are similar.   I think that is one of the most comforting things that can happen here - someone coming forward who can nod their head and really say... ."I know!"

Thank you, Medianeh, for sharing "Letting Go."   How many times do we know what we want to say but just can't find the right words?  I love this!  I'm printing it out and will keep it close at hand... .will probably even "plagiarize" in some of my posts.

I'm glad to be in the company of the lot of you as we all strive for better and better days.

Huat

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Loveandcare,

I was at that point for over a year, I think... .Any little thing happened that at some point I would have been able to handle, and I'd completely fall apart. It's traumatic both watching our beloved kids sabotage themselves and having to endure the grief and constant chaos and drama that comes with the territory. I started to question whether I would ever regain any of my former "strength."

I just want you to know that time helps. If you can take a little time each day to do something for yourself, it gradually gets better. Let yourself grieve, and also let yourself enjoy life even for brief moments. It does get better.

I ended up dropping to part time in school for one semester. I couldn't handle the full load while experiencing that much emotional turmoil. Only you can decide what's right for you. But don't do anything you will later regret. Stay true to yourself and your goals as best you can while also being kind to yourself and knowing your limitations. Is the semester almost over? Maybe you can accept a lower grade than you'd normally get so that you can make it through.

What are some small things you enjoy doing that you could take five minutes a day for?

[loveandcare]

Thank you all so much. Although nothing has changed here (it's still crappy), but it really does help to be able to talk about it with people who don't judge or blame me, who understand, and who are so supportive and caring. Thank you!