Need support and advice on how to deal with my stepdaughters undiagnosed BPD bev

[Todo]

Hello! I’ was so glad  to see this support group existed. My family is entangled in abuse allegations by my stepdaughter. She ihas accused her husband, grandfather, and now her mother, father and others of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. She is currently on a smear campaign against her husband who is divorcing her. Her behavior has been so extreme that we have had to step back and not have contact. That has seemingly fueled her rage and says we have abandoned her. This has been going on for over a decade and now we are her newest target. She has her supporters (some family member, new friends, boyfriend, etc). She sent voice messages to us saying that if we don’t believe her narrative that she will expose our alleged abuse as well. We are at our Witt’s end. There is nothing that she won’t do or say. We realize she is mentally ill. How do we proceed? We love her but can’t continue in this chaos.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to BPD family.

Sorry you have to go through that mess.

You cannot control what she does. However you can control what you do. If you can go no contact which it sounds like you are, please continue to do so.  Any interaction with her will more than likely continue to fuel the fire of her anger towards you.

However, if she comes over to your place, or you have to interact with her, make sure all of your interactions with her are recorded and/or witnessed.  If you are receiving phone calls from her, let it go to voicemail, and let the voicemail record her.

If at all possible please record audio / video with your cell phone, everyone has a cell phone or nearly so and it's very easy. Make sure you record at the lowest video quality, that way you can maximize the recording time on your device. Also be sure to offload the video frequently (daily or every few hours as needed), as it takes up an enormous amount of space.  Or you can do what the police do and get yourself a body camera, there are several available on Amazon. 

I personally use my cell phone, using an app in the background that records which includes a date and time stamp on the video. If you need free advice for an Android phone, reply and I will look for my previous posting where I went into detail on how to do this.

That way when she does make allegations, you can share the video where the exact opposite happens or nothing happened. It will poke holes in her credibility, and it will not only help yourself but help the others that she is falsely accusing.

Make sure you do not delete those voice messages especially if they are very incriminating towards her (blackmail and/or extortion in nature).

Good luck and take care.

[Todo]

Thank you so much for your advice. It’s hard not to respond, but we haven’t. She has since texted us asking us to please loaten to the voice message if we haven’t. I keep thinking I or my husband could respond and try the empathetic listening skills and respond in a kind way, but I think it’s past that point and we will ultimately be pulled back into the “you have to choose my side if you care about what’s happening to me” argument. My husband says how can we listen and validate her emotions when we can’t validate her delusions? We have definitely unwittingly made things worse in the past by arguing and telling her we don’t believe her and that her actions are dangerously inappropriate. Wish I would have found the books and board earlier in her journey, but it is what it is.

Thanks again for the advice!

[SaltyDawg]

My suggest is to stay NC, unless, you are forced to engage with your pwBPD.

Any attention, even negative attention is attention, and they seek attention.

You might want to listen to the voice message, but don't reply to it, so you are aware of the contents [unless it will give you anxiety or be triggering to you], so if you do come face to face with it.  [in person, and cannot avoid an interaction], then keep it BIFF or SET

Brief, Informational, Factual, and Friendly. 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0

Support , Empathy, Truth
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0