Feedback Appreciated

[Elvis42]

undiagnosed BPD wife. Try to give a short story for those who don't know.

wife and I have been married 22 years this month. Lived together 18 years, before I moved out in 2020.
I was under the impression we were working towards making some sort of attempt to for a lack of better words "fix" what is broken.
I recently started to establish boundaries, express myself and work towards coming to an understanding.
it has been a very interesting, stressful learning endeavor.

for the first time in quite a while wife and I spent some time together. Had what I thought was a great time, we laughed, talked, had dinner and much more. Both felt good about everything, or so I thought.

next day started out good, we live 2 apartments away, but as I tried to explain to her as one of my boundaries, I am not comfortable going to her apartment, and I explained the reason why, which she continually ignores. I stated as a boundary that she is more than welcome at my apartment as long as things remain cordial, because I don't want to become involved any drama. She would come over every now and again, but all of a sudden in the last month she stopped, she refused or made excuses why she wouldn't or couldn't be there, until the other night. After she stopped coming over she would send text saying things like I woke up this morning and was upset because there was no text from you or I thought you were coming over while I was sleeping so we could wake up together, comments along those lines. I have no idea where she got these ideas because I never said anything, as I said I explained why I was not comfortable over at her apartment. Of course there was the famous push, pull routine.

so we get to tonight. she kept getting angry because I wasn't answering every one of her text, and I calmly and I thought politely explained that I understand how she is feeling, and I didn't think the was a reason to answer every text, because many of them are her expressing something that doesn't need and answer or pictures she sends, she takes tons of selfies and sends them to me.
her reply was "if you would've said something or anything then I wouldn't get upset, if you said the wrong thing, because there is no wrong thing to say back and not saying anything at all is like "saying" the wrong thing in my eyes.
to which I replied "I understand how you are feeling."

fast forward to about midnight when she starts texting me heavy as usual around that time, no matter how many times I say I'm exhausted and tired, not feeling good or whatever. it started out nice and somewhere along the lines I got the following text
"I'm so lost and I'm not going to sleep good because I'm sad.", next text 5 minutes later "I'm going to be sad", next text "I'm still going to be sad and lost by myself." with a bunch of sad faces. next text "I'm not going to survive because I'm sad and I'm absolutely tired, but I can't go to sleep.
to which I responded "I'm sorry that you are sad and I can relate. I get sad myself."
her next text "well I'm sad because I didn't see you and you're not here and it drives me crazy when I literally know you're over there and I'm here." next text "I cry for no reason."
next text she went into a tailspin and started just slamming me about everything.
I foolishly tried to reply that I didn't know what to say, I'm tired and I'm doing the best I can to communicate how I feel and understand how you feel and it doesn't seem to be working and I'm trying to learn about myself and be better.

to which she really went ballistic. telling me I don't make any sense, anything I text doesn't make any sense and I don't get it and she doesn't know what I'm trying to find or get together with myself and that I'm not getting myself better, I'm getting myself worse and digging myself into a deeper hole by try to "understand myself and how I tick." and if I want to know all about myself just ask her and she will tell me in seconds. I don't listen to understand, I listen to respond and be right. Don't think and go to sleep.

and this one stood out she texted "all I do is give you PTSD even though I told you that half the things I text I don't really mean...Goodnight
then she went on to say how we will never be together and its my fault, I'm only thinking about myself and I won't compromise and after about 20 more texts she said "Now I'm going to sleep." and that was the end at 4:22 in the morning.

this is a typical interaction,and it has gotten more frequent, angry and the "I hate you, We are done, I wasted so much time on you" type of interactions. I can't remember the last time she wasn't upset with me.

any thoughts???


 
 

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[Pook075]

Hey Elvis, I'm sorry you're going through this...it sounds HARD.

Through dealing with my BPD daughter for so long, I'm starting to feel like I can read/speak BPD.  So here's what I see your wife saying: I'm lonely, come over and make me less lonely.

Personally, I don't text other than one or two quick messages like, "Hey, I'm at the store...do you need anything?"  If I want a conversation, I'll just call.  If they want a conversation, I'll just call after maybe the 3rd text.  Feelings get lost in texting so it's a lousy way to communicate with a BPD.

To end these late night texts, just call her and talk it out...or invite her over...or go to her apartment.

Saying you won't go to her apartment is probably a confusing trigger for her, it feels like you don't care enough to walk over there and support her.  Maybe that's true, maybe not.  But in those texts, she's sad because she's lonely.  I feel for her but obviously understand your position as well.

I hope that helps.

[Elvis42]

Pook075,
  Hey, I was going to write this long drawn out post trying to explain my position, but decided against it, because I think it has all been explained in my first two posts.

 The one text that still is running around in my head is the one where she said "All I do is give you PTSD even though I told you that half the things I text I don't really mean...Goodnight"

 so which half is it that she doesn't mean, the half where she says she loves me, or the half where she says she hates me.

[Outdorenthusiast]

I sense the frustration and it is ok to be emotionally confused and frustrated.  I have been there!  So some feedback thoughts…

BPD is all about emotional dysregulation.  In my experience it 100% gets worse with little to no sleep, and definitely is worse after certain times at night.  It becomes harder for both of us to control our feelings when we are exhausted.  Also I am not in my “A” game mind of being able to respond correctly to her dysfunction if I am exhausted. 

Sooo… I have made a boundary that we don’t get into those discussions after a certain point at night.  I will happily discuss it in the morning, but nights always end badly.  It might be worth the investment in a respectful boundary.  That way you both get good sleep and don’t say stupid things.

[Pook075]

Pook075,
  Hey, I was going to write this long drawn out post trying to explain my position, but decided against it, because I think it has all been explained in my first two posts.

 The one text that still is running around in my head is the one where she said "All I do is give you PTSD even though I told you that half the things I text I don't really mean...Goodnight"

 so which half is it that she doesn't mean, the half where she says she loves me, or the half where she says she hates me.

You can't look at it as the parts she means and the parts she doesn't mean...you'll never solve that equation.

Instead, accept that everything she says is true in the moment.  It might not be true 5 minutes from now, but right now it's true and she wants you to accept it.  The problem comes in when a BPD feels insecure and becomes unstable- then they say all sorts of random things (which are true in the moment) that might not make any sense. 

That's how you get one thing today and something completely different a day later.  It all depends on their emotional state when they say it.

So which half do you treat as the truth?  Honestly, none of it when they're unstable.  That's why you focus on the emotions instead and don't pay too much attention to the words.  Now, that's IMPOSSIBLE with texting...which is why I said to see her face to face or at least have a phone call. 

If she's sad, give support and comfort.  If she's angry, calm her down.  If she's scared, make her feel safe.  The emotions are 100% true every time...the words coming from the emotions, not so much.

I hope that helps!