Just joining you all...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Glad to join this group finally but not joining in the midst of a crisis, thankfully. I've known my husband for 34 years, been "with" him for 31, married for 25.  No physical abuse.  Much gaslighting, blaming, raging and emotional betrayal.  We remain in a "holding pattern" of "separated" but living in the same house while we give stability to our two teenage boys.  I'm in therapy (over 2 years now) with a phenomenal PhD who suggested I read "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  It was both incredibly affirming (that I've not been crazy and the horrible person all these years) and devastating (that he will never stop being "this").  Any remaining romantic "in-love"ness has been minimal for years.  He had a deeply emotional affair 2-3 years ago.  I helped him through that break up (uh, how sick is that?).  I am fully recognizing my co-dependence in it all.  I was gonna be the one who could help him, fix him, manage him, then tolerate him.  I'm pretty sure all potential for re-ignition of romantic love is wiped clean after some recent revelations.  He will be gone a lot for work in the next 18 months.  During that time I have a feeling I need to seek counsel and begin to be prepared.  For anyone who wants to get into it with me, it's all so complicated by the recent loss of our home in a fire and now a 2 year lease in a rental and my work with the insurance company/contractor/architect to build a new home.  But really, it all just comes down to my precious boys, 13 & 15 y/o.  They've seen their dad rage at others.  Rarely but a few times he has raged at me in front of them and they recently have been the recipients of his rage.  None of us will ever forget the night he yelled "___ you" three times to our 15 y/o.  He's good about coming around and apologizing and has beautifully "fixed" that incident.  Thankfully that son has already been in therapy as he battles depression (and then the fire happened... .)  My 13 y/o is who I really worry about - getting him into therapy soon.  I'm not really here seeking advice right now (that may come later).  Just want to join a community so I don't feel like what I've been through is my fault, my crazy.  I want to find the real me - not the one who disappeared through managing life with this man.  Not the one who has no self esteem, no sense of innate worthiness, warped sense of how I look or that any many could EVER be attracted to me.  I want to grow into the incredibly spiritual, giving, loving, nurturing, intelligent, attractive, joyful woman that God created me to be.

[OhmyStars]

Glad to join this group finally but not joining in the midst of a crisis, thankfully. I've known my husband for 34 years, been "with" him for 31, married for 25.  No physical abuse.  Much gaslighting, blaming, raging and emotional betrayal.  We remain in a "holding pattern" of "separated" but living in the same house while we give stability to our two teenage boys.  I'm in therapy (over 2 years now) with a phenomenal PhD who suggested I read "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  It was both incredibly affirming (that I've not been crazy and the horrible person all these years) and devastating (that he will never stop being "this").  Any remaining romantic "in-love"ness has been minimal for years.  He had a deeply emotional affair 2-3 years ago.  I helped him through that break up (uh, how sick is that?).  I am fully recognizing my co-dependence in it all.  I was gonna be the one who could help him, fix him, manage him, then tolerate him.  I'm pretty sure all potential for re-ignition of romantic love is wiped clean after some recent revelations.  He will be gone a lot for work in the next 18 months.  During that time I have a feeling I need to seek counsel and begin to be prepared.  For anyone who wants to get into it with me, it's all so complicated by the recent loss of our home in a fire and now a 2 year lease in a rental and my work with the insurance company/contractor/architect to build a new home.  But really, it all just comes down to my precious boys, 13 & 15 y/o.  They've seen their dad rage at others.  Rarely but a few times he has raged at me in front of them and they recently have been the recipients of his rage.  None of us will ever forget the night he yelled "___ you" three times to our 15 y/o.  He's good about coming around and apologizing and has beautifully "fixed" that incident.  Thankfully that son has already been in therapy as he battles depression (and then the fire happened... .)  My 13 y/o is who I really worry about - getting him into therapy soon.  I'm not really here seeking advice right now (that may come later).  Just want to join a community so I don't feel like what I've been through is my fault, my crazy.  I want to find the real me - not the one who disappeared through managing life with this man.  Not the one who has no self esteem, no sense of innate worthiness, warped sense of how I look or that any many could EVER be attracted to me.  I want to grow into the incredibly spiritual, giving, loving, nurturing, intelligent, attractive, joyful woman that God created me to be.

[Turkish]

That's horrible that you lost your home to a fire,  but I'm glad you all are safe. 

It sounds like right now you and your husband are living kind of like roommates.  What is the plan once your home is rebuilt?

How are your teenagers taking things,  especially regarding their dad's tendency to fly of the handle with verbal abuse? How can we help?

T.