We were talking but it has gone quiet. Should I contact her again?

[magic78]

Quick recap as I have posted here before. Not sure if my ex had BPD however I am certain she showed some traits. We knew each other for several years & started dating in 2016. We broke up at the end of 2018 after around 30 breakups instigated by her over pathetic reasons. There was some verbal abuse & constant accusations of me cheating as well as her needing my constant attention 24/7. After our last breakup I went NC for many months but I reconnected with her a couple of months a go. At the time she was in a relationship but she had no issues talking with me behind her bf's back & sometimes in a sexual way. This put me off her as I had my suspicion she was talking to other men when we were dating especially as she constantly accused me of talking to women. It looked like it was her projecting.

When we started talking again she really appeared as if she had changed. She wasn't harassing me & she appeared to have  good understanding of our problems & she genuinely apologised & blamed it on her immaturity & how she has now changed because she realised what she had lost. Also, over the months that we were not together I did a lot of self reflection & research into BPD. I could see how I wasn't the best partner & I did a lot of my part in the relationship from my Ego.

I was keeping it low contact & made it clear that I just wanted to be friends. I said this because I didn't like the thought of speaking to her when she had a bf. I later found out that she had broken up with her bf because her was talking to women behind her back & this I found out to be true. We kept talking but I kept it to 1 to 2 times per week. I last messaged her last week late on the evening. She didn't reply until the early hours just asking me if I was still awake. I was asleep s didn't see the message until the next day. I messaged her the next day & not reply. I didn't want to come across as needy & suffocating so I left it a couple of days & asked if she was ok. Still no reply.

So, I am thinking that there 4 possibilities as to why she hasn't replied:

1) She is back with her bf & doesn't want to talk to me as she would be doing the same thing that she was mad with her bf for. She did acknowledge that she shouldn't have been talking to me when she was with him.
2) She isn't well. This one concerns me if it is this.
3) The engulfment kicked in when we were chatting because she did she still loved me & she fears getting hurt if I am not interested so she is pulling away to protect herself.
4) She is using the push pull tactic to see how much I care & trying to get me to chase her.

What I was hoping from contacting her is to maybe give it another go but on solid terms. I was going to let her know my boundaries & I was going to try & understand how she was feeling & what I could do to be a better partner. I still wasn't 100% sure though as to whether I would give it another go but I though low contact would give me a bit of room to decide.

My question is should I just leave it now & let her come to me or should I just drop her another email saying something like "hope you are ok & I will be here if you need me. Drop me a message if you feel like talking"

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[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Magic,

This is a tough one...I could go either way with it.  What is your gut telling you to do?

SH4

[magic78]

Hi Magic,

This is a tough one...I could go either way with it.  What is your gut telling you to do?

SH4

Hi SH4. Hmmmm I am not sure to be honest. I am trying to understand my own thoughts. Am I concerned that she is ok or do I just want to keep the line of communication open? I think it is both reasons to be honest. I am not 100% sure that I would give it a go with her again to be honest. The communication we were having was allowing me to asses the situation & see if we could remain talking & maybe discuss what happened but obviously in a calmer way given that we had many months apart from each other. I still do care for her a great deal & when we do speak it is different then when I speak with other women & she feels this too. We have an instant connection that we both miss.

However, I still feel apprehensive when we speak because I want to remain in control & I know from past experience I can easily lose control. I mean I am fearful that my heart will get aatched again then take over my logic mind which is saying "just be careful & take things slow" if this makes sense?

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi SH4. Hmmmm I am not sure to be honest. I am trying to understand my own thoughts. Am I concerned that she is ok or do I just want to keep the line of communication open? I think it is both reasons to be honest. I am not 100% sure that I would give it a go with her again to be honest. The communication we were having was allowing me to asses the situation & see if we could remain talking & maybe discuss what happened but obviously in a calmer way given that we had many months apart from each other. I still do care for her a great deal & when we do speak it is different then when I speak with other women & she feels this too. We have an instant connection that we both miss.

This sounds like you have done some great work.  Being able to sit back and asses the situation can be a hard thing to do when there are feelings involved.  If you aren't 100% sure you would give it another go, maybe waiting a few days to see if she reaches out might be the way to go.  Then you can re-asses then?

However, I still feel apprehensive when we speak because I want to remain in control & I know from past experience I can easily lose control. I mean I am fearful that my heart will get aatched again then take over my logic mind which is saying "just be careful & take things slow" if this makes sense?

Yes, this makes complete sense.  I know exactly where you are coming from with this.

All we can do is take it one day at a time.  Being able to sit back and view things differently than you did before should help you a great deal.  But I know it's hard and I know what you mean about that instant connection taking over.  Best of luck to you and please keep us updated.

SH4

[magic78]

This sounds like you have done some great work.  Being able to sit back and asses the situation can be a hard thing to do when there are feelings involved.  If you aren't 100% sure you would give it another go, maybe waiting a few days to see if she reaches out might be the way to go.  Then you can re-asses then?

Yeah this could be a good idea. Normally I have contacted her towards the end of the week when  knew we both would be less busy. I contacted her last Friday & she replied in the early hours which I missed because I was asleep. Maybe if I leave it now over the weekend to see if she reaches out because she is probably expecting me to try & contact her again tomorrow or over the weekend.

[GoodMan]

Playing devils advocate

You’re thinking about trying to reconnect with someone who you dated for 2 years and experienced 30+ breakups during your relationship. Then after your final break up and no contact she started talking to you behind her, at the time,  current BFs back while  possibly talking to other men. She then broke it off with that BF because she found out he was talking to other girls.

She exhibits signs of a difficult to gauge and manage personality disorder and is not currently in therapy.

Is this what your trying to work out?

[magic78]

Playing devils advocate

You’re thinking about trying to reconnect with someone who you dated for 2 years and experienced 30+ breakups during your relationship. Then after your final break up and no contact she started talking to you behind her, at the time,  current BFs back while  possibly talking to other men. She then broke it off with that BF because she found out he was talking to other girls.

She exhibits signs of a difficult to gauge and manage personality disorder and is not currently in therapy.

Is this what your trying to work out?

Thank you & reading what you put sort of made me question what the hell am I thinking of trying to reconnect. Reading it as you put it definitely looks like I would be slight mad for even considering it.

I guess I hope that things could be different this time. I am basing the way I feel on the recent conversations that we have had & how she has admitted that she was out of order & she was very apologetic. I want to beliwve that it was just immaturity as she said it was. She said she never believed I would leave her for good after she broke up with me each time & when I finally didn't go back to her it really shocked her.

Regarding the talking to me behind her bf back. She acknowledged that this was wrong but rationalised it by saying that it was different because we had a lot of history together. I still don't think I would be able to trust after finding out what she was capable of. 

Am I just being naive? I think you probably can see that I am & I think I would tend to agree if I was to look from the outside. 

[once removed]

1) She is back with her bf & doesn't want to talk to me as she would be doing the same thing that she was mad with her bf for. She did acknowledge that she shouldn't have been talking to me when she was with him.
2) She isn't well. This one concerns me if it is this.
3) The engulfment kicked in when we were chatting because she did she still loved me & she fears getting hurt if I am not interested so she is pulling away to protect herself.
4) She is using the push pull tactic to see how much I care & trying to get me to chase her.

i would bet money that its none of the above (while its possible shes back with her boyfriend, i wouldnt take that as a reason she would respond to you, or not)

magic78, ive experienced very similar with other people before; specifically, the late night "you awake", message.

99% of the time, the other person doesnt follow up in response.

dont panic.

this may be a sign that you are more invested in the ongoing dynamic, the moment to moment, than she is.

when a person is anxious, every moment counts. theres a strong feeling of a need to act, of a need to dissect why the other person isnt acting.

but usually, the other person isnt acting because they arent feeling that same sense of urgency.

she reached out a few days ago. the two of you just may have not caught each other at a good time. as far as shes concerned, things are fine.

[magic78]

i would bet money that its none of the above (while its possible shes back with her boyfriend, i wouldnt take that as a reason she would respond to you, or not)

magic78, ive experienced very similar with other people before; specifically, the late night "you awake", message.

99% of the time, the other person doesnt follow up in response.

dont panic.

this may be a sign that you are more invested in the ongoing dynamic, the moment to moment, than she is.

when a person is anxious, every moment counts. theres a strong feeling of a need to act, of a need to dissect why the other person isnt acting.

but usually, the other person isnt acting because they arent feeling that same sense of urgency.

she reached out a few days ago. the two of you just may have not caught each other at a good time. as far as shes concerned, things are fine.

This is out of character for her well at least how she used to be. She used to be very needy but then on the flip side she had a sense of grandiosity so if I did something to piss her off she could easily ignore me for a while.

The last time heard from her was last Saturday morning. Since then I've emailed twice with no response.

What is the best thing to do would you say? Leave it and wait for her to reach out or drop her another email saying something like "hope you're ok. Drop me an email sometime"?

I don't want to come across as needy as that's how I used to be but I think she liked me like that. That's how she based her opinion on whether I cared or not. I do truly believe that this is a test of some sort knowing what she used to be like.

[once removed]

I do truly believe that this is a test of some sort knowing what she used to be like.

this is often a fatal mistake a lot of us have made that pushes us to over pursue.

big picture: she asked if you were awake, and then didnt respond when you followed up.

this is not a make or break, or monumental thing. there could be any number of explanations for it.

What is the best thing to do would you say? Leave it and wait for her to reach out or drop her another email saying something like "hope you're ok. Drop me an email sometime"?

the best thing to do is to be cool, not over react or over pursue.

if youve contacted her twice since then with no response, i would dial it back.

[magic78]

this is often a fatal mistake a lot of us have made that pushes us to over pursue.

big picture: she asked if you were awake, and then didnt respond when you followed up.

this is not a make or break, or monumental thing. there could be any number of explanations for it.

the best thing to do is to be cool, not over react or over pursue.

if youve contacted her twice since then with no response, i would dial it back.

Thank you. This is exactly in line with what I was thinking. I normally would have over pursued but look where it got me last time. I'll leave it and let her reach out to me. As you say I've already contacted her twice with no reply so the ball is in her court.

[GoodMan]

Am I just being naive? I think you probably can see that I am & I think I would tend to agree if I was to look from the outside.

You are not being naive if you can see the relationship for what it is.

Can you see the reality? Can you make decisions based on the reality off the situation?

You need to be a strong strong man to be in a relationship like this. You need to be prepared for anything cause anything could happen. You need to know that this person may have a disorder that will allow her to love you deeply but hurt you down to your core and feel that it is the exact right thing to do.

If she is a pwBPD and she is not invested in therapy and or possibly medicated you need to be prepared.

You need to read up on BPD, work hard on yourself. You need to become a strong, independent, self realized person.

Good luck man.

[magic78]

this is often a fatal mistake a lot of us have made that pushes us to over pursue.

big picture: she asked if you were awake, and then didnt respond when you followed up.

this is not a make or break, or monumental thing. there could be any number of explanations for it.

the best thing to do is to be cool, not over react or over pursue.

if youve contacted her twice since then with no response, i would dial it back.

She has reached out this morning. The email basically say that she is just letting me know that she wasn't ignoring me. She doesn't think it's a good idea us occasionally taking as she still has feelings for me & talking with me doesn't help them go away. She doesn't want to talk any more because it upsets her. She wishes me all the best for the future & hopes I find someone I love to pieces because I deserve it & she still wishes things had of worked out differently but they didn't.

What can I read into this? I seems legit but I have a feeling she maybe using this as a bit of manipulation to try & get me to say lets give it another go or commit to something further. This is how she used to go about stuff before.

What do you think? I have not replied yet.

[once removed]

What can I read into this? I seems legit but I have a feeling she maybe using this as a bit of manipulation to try & get me to say lets give it another go or commit to something further. This is how she used to go about stuff before.

it is difficult to say without reading what she wrote.

generally, its best not to try to read these sorts of things into these kinds of messages. it tends to lead to over pursuing. "i wish you all the best for the future and hope you can find someone" tends to be more about closing the door than "i secretly want you to chase me".

i would let her know that you understand, that youre sorry to hear it, that youre here if she changes her mind, but that you wish her the best as well.

personalize it, make it sound how you would say it, but thats the message i would want to get across.