Divorce Reference (yikes)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So just after BFF has decided to reconnect and 2 days after she came over with her daughter, she sends me a message asking if I will be a reference, for her divorce.  (Making me think this is the reason she wanted me back in her life, she looked around and realized no one is there for her at the moment and she needs to put down a name.)  I'm basically frozen/paralyzed in that initially I almost typed Sure with no trepidation... .luckily then I stopped to think about it.  Now I've basically terrified myself out of it, but I don't know what to do.  Has anyone been in this situation, what did you do and what were the ramifications?

As for background I have known BFF for one year, and I am probably her closest friend even though she repeatedly boots me from her life (although this is precisely why she boots me from her life).  She tells me things she doesn't even tell her family.  For the first 6 months of knowing her I could have written a glowing reference letter and/or answered questions with no hesitation about what a wonderful mother she is, but in the last 6 months I can only say this... .She does her best, but I honestly have this fear that her best won't be good enough for most people.  I am worried I will be asked to say things I do not want to or reveal things she has told me that I do not want to. 

Someone actually asked me if I thought her daughter should be removed and my honest answer was that BFF may be uBPD, but I know she LOVES her daughter more than anything and tries the best she knows how to be a good mom.  Unfortunately, I have witnessed this involving yelling, minor intimidation (as she believes her daughter should respect her at all costs), use of weed to mellow her out, and not following through on behavioral corrections (you can't have x until y... .oh ok here have x, I don't care).  Honestly, other than the weed I'd say she's probably very similar to any other young mother going through a divorce, she is only 23.  I would have been such a mess at 23 as a parent, I cannot imagine truly... .  Her daughter is very attached to her and I myself have dropped her off with her father on days where she is very upset and says she just wants to go back to her mom.  The person that asked about removing her daughter said isn't there anyone else who could take her for a while until BFF gets help and becomes  more stable... .  Here are the options, she would first go to her husband whom I believe is uNPD, cheated on her mom multiple times, and now lives with his girlfriend in their home.  His parents whom BFF hates, who raised a son who is possibly uNPD, and who would most likely limit any visits between BFF and her daughter if at all.  I also truly believe that both the husband and his parents wouldn't hesitate to poison the daughter/granddaughter against her mother.  On the other hand is BFF's parents, her mother most likely uBPD who recently supposedly punched BFF in the face and the police were called, and whose track record isn't very good with raising BFF as she was often out late with friends while her mom was off with some new boyfriend.  Her stepfather who is married to her mom tries, but he has not been helpful as of late and actually drove BFF to cutting again with his harsh words.  BFF's biological father left her mother when she was young, and recently got out of prison and has never met his granddaughter.

Honestly... .That's tough to pick from for anyone, especially since on the outside they all look perfect.  I worry that I'd be an insider for BFF, but that is a double edged sword.  On one hand while I know how much she loves her daughter and hard she works to do the best for her, I know it is a struggle.  I don't want to shine light on her struggle... .I don't want to be in a position to answer questions about her as a mother.

I just asked my daughter... .she's 5.  She is insightful and I wondered what she thought as a kid just from what she has seen (she doesn't know the half of it).  I said do you think BFF is a good mom... .her response "sometimes."  That worries me... .I don't think I could do better. 

[DearBFF]

So just after BFF has decided to reconnect and 2 days after she came over with her daughter, she sends me a message asking if I will be a reference, for her divorce.  (Making me think this is the reason she wanted me back in her life, she looked around and realized no one is there for her at the moment and she needs to put down a name.)  I'm basically frozen/paralyzed in that initially I almost typed Sure with no trepidation... .luckily then I stopped to think about it.  Now I've basically terrified myself out of it, but I don't know what to do.  Has anyone been in this situation, what did you do and what were the ramifications?

As for background I have known BFF for one year, and I am probably her closest friend even though she repeatedly boots me from her life (although this is precisely why she boots me from her life).  She tells me things she doesn't even tell her family.  For the first 6 months of knowing her I could have written a glowing reference letter and/or answered questions with no hesitation about what a wonderful mother she is, but in the last 6 months I can only say this... .She does her best, but I honestly have this fear that her best won't be good enough for most people.  I am worried I will be asked to say things I do not want to or reveal things she has told me that I do not want to. 

Someone actually asked me if I thought her daughter should be removed and my honest answer was that BFF may be uBPD, but I know she LOVES her daughter more than anything and tries the best she knows how to be a good mom.  Unfortunately, I have witnessed this involving yelling, minor intimidation (as she believes her daughter should respect her at all costs), use of weed to mellow her out, and not following through on behavioral corrections (you can't have x until y... .oh ok here have x, I don't care).  Honestly, other than the weed I'd say she's probably very similar to any other young mother going through a divorce, she is only 23.  I would have been such a mess at 23 as a parent, I cannot imagine truly... .  Her daughter is very attached to her and I myself have dropped her off with her father on days where she is very upset and says she just wants to go back to her mom.  The person that asked about removing her daughter said isn't there anyone else who could take her for a while until BFF gets help and becomes  more stable... .  Here are the options, she would first go to her husband whom I believe is uNPD, cheated on her mom multiple times, and now lives with his girlfriend in their home.  His parents whom BFF hates, who raised a son who is possibly uNPD, and who would most likely limit any visits between BFF and her daughter if at all.  I also truly believe that both the husband and his parents wouldn't hesitate to poison the daughter/granddaughter against her mother.  On the other hand is BFF's parents, her mother most likely uBPD who recently supposedly punched BFF in the face and the police were called, and whose track record isn't very good with raising BFF as she was often out late with friends while her mom was off with some new boyfriend.  Her stepfather who is married to her mom tries, but he has not been helpful as of late and actually drove BFF to cutting again with his harsh words.  BFF's biological father left her mother when she was young, and recently got out of prison and has never met his granddaughter.

Honestly... .That's tough to pick from for anyone, especially since on the outside they all look perfect.  I worry that I'd be an insider for BFF, but that is a double edged sword.  On one hand while I know how much she loves her daughter and hard she works to do the best for her, I know it is a struggle.  I don't want to shine light on her struggle... .I don't want to be in a position to answer questions about her as a mother.

I just asked my daughter... .she's 5.  She is insightful and I wondered what she thought as a kid just from what she has seen (she doesn't know the half of it).  I said do you think BFF is a good mom... .her response "sometimes."  That worries me... .I don't think I could do better. 

[Turkish]

A divorce referee has a clear definition, and is a professional position, judge. What entails being a reference? Is it like a character reference?

[DearBFF]

In the initial text she did not say divorce reference, but I assumed that is what she meant because she told me she was finishing up her divorce paperwork.  So now I feel sill because it turns out after I said I did not think it was a good idea for me to be involved in her divorce she told me she meant that she meant a reference for a job.  I am fine with that since she is a really hard worker, but now that got me thinking about her divorce.

I'm guessing she will not try to ask me to be a divorce reference now since I already said no.  I looked into it before I responded to her text.  There is a divorce reference letter, you basically write a character reference.  Then I read you may be given a list of questions to answer under oath, or if the divorce goes to court then you may be called to testify under oath to things you may have witnessed.  I don't want to be in any of those positions so I definitely think I should try to stay out of being listed on any paperwork for her divorce.  The problem is that my understanding is that there is a chance that if it does go to court, I could be subpoenaed either by her lawyer or by her husband's if he thinks I may have damning information that he could use against her.  I'm hoping it doesn't come to that as I would never want to be in that position.

Has anyone been in this position with a loved one/sibling/friend/etc?

I'm wondering how that plays out and how you can best stay out of it, or if you will be dragged in even when you don't want to be.

[DearBFF]

Yay!  This is no longer even an issue, as her divorce paperwork was just all filled out and should be finalized within a week!  I'm so glad... .both happy for her and relieved that I can stay out of it!   

[Kwamina]

Yay!  This is no longer even an issue, as her divorce paperwork was just all filled out and should be finalized within a week!  I'm so glad... .both happy for her and relieved that I can stay out of it!   

I'm glad too! Hopefully this will also bring some calm to her.

Now you can go back to focusing on the 'ordinary' day to day BPD experiences with her

[DearBFF]

 

, so true Kwamina!  Also, her meds have switched and the extremes are becoming so much more rare, or at least the extreme is something I can live with so it's within a zone where I can just let it pass.  She is calmer as well, much less anxious about being in limbo.

Thanks for your response!