Do they ever let go?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello. I was in a dysfunctional relationship with an active alcoholic who displayed traits of borderline personality disorder. It took me a long time to get out of the relationship. Last year I ended it and told this person I would call the police and get a restraining order. During my last year of school I was left alone and I healed. My recovery from alcoholism was more important to me and I am over two years sober now. After my graduation I began receiving calls from my ex's town. The numbers belonged to random people in her town and I would call them back but no one would answer. No one lest a voicemail. If I answered a call I would hear silence while saying hello and the person on the other end would hang up. I was a little disconcerted about this but the calls began to increase and then my ex called.

She sent a text and she wanted to meet up. I met with her because I did not care any more and she said she was sober, doing therapy, working on herself, etc. she tried to get close to me but I maintained my distance. She tried to hug me but I just shook her hand. I respected her as a person and I felt like I got a little bit of closure.

Now the numbers have been calling. I answer the phone and someone is on the other line but they hang up. The hang up sounds like her phone sounded when she would hang up when I used to talk to her when we were in a relationship.

I am about to move to a new city at the end of this month and I just wanted advice about how to protect myself. I don't trust her but I don't know what her motives could be. She did not like it when I told her I was moving and that I graduated from school. I could use some advice because it had been a year since I heard from her. Thank you.

[Greenleaf23]

Hello. I was in a dysfunctional relationship with an active alcoholic who displayed traits of borderline personality disorder. It took me a long time to get out of the relationship. Last year I ended it and told this person I would call the police and get a restraining order. During my last year of school I was left alone and I healed. My recovery from alcoholism was more important to me and I am over two years sober now. After my graduation I began receiving calls from my ex's town. The numbers belonged to random people in her town and I would call them back but no one would answer. No one lest a voicemail. If I answered a call I would hear silence while saying hello and the person on the other end would hang up. I was a little disconcerted about this but the calls began to increase and then my ex called.

She sent a text and she wanted to meet up. I met with her because I did not care any more and she said she was sober, doing therapy, working on herself, etc. she tried to get close to me but I maintained my distance. She tried to hug me but I just shook her hand. I respected her as a person and I felt like I got a little bit of closure.

Now the numbers have been calling. I answer the phone and someone is on the other line but they hang up. The hang up sounds like her phone sounded when she would hang up when I used to talk to her when we were in a relationship.

I am about to move to a new city at the end of this month and I just wanted advice about how to protect myself. I don't trust her but I don't know what her motives could be. She did not like it when I told her I was moving and that I graduated from school. I could use some advice because it had been a year since I heard from her. Thank you.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Greenleaf-

First I'd like to congratulate you on two years of sobriety.  That's a wonderful accomplishment and something to be very proud of, especially attaining that while in school. 

i understand that her behavior can be very confusing and it seems as though you HAVE detached from her emotionally, which is a huge step!   She is likely making contact to once again test the waters - to see if you'll take her back.  It does seem like you're keenly aware of how difficult it was for you to break free.

If you are committed to maintaining that detachment, and truly want advice, here it is... .
1) either block her number from your phone or don't answer the phone when she calls.  Any action on your part in the way of responding or answering the phone sends the message that you WANT contact from her.

2) don't answer ANY calls from anyone you don't know, especially from her town.  And don't call back anyone who doesn't leave a message.  If it's important, they'll leave a message.

3) don't respond to her text messages.  Just let those messages hang in the air.  The more you communicate, the more you'll tell her about your life.  You want to move on, right?

4) I'm not all that familiar with Facebook and I'm no fan of that thing, and so many people on our forum have problems with it.  If you can, block her from seeing what's happening in your life on social media.  Again, time to start a new chapter in your life, right?

I believe deep down you may know what you need to do.  We are all here to support you in whatever way you need us.

It's so important for you to practice self-care as you begin this wonderful new chapter of your life.  You want positive people to greet you in your new city.  New friends, new opportunities and a new life are waiting for you.  We can't really answer whether they ever let go; but we can see where we have control of things, and where we do, we need to take it.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Greenleaf23]

I will heed the advice. She made amends to me when we met up but then she wanted to sit beside each other. She wanted to eat together and it felt like we were together but I kept my guard up. Personally, I am mentally exhausted. I earned an MA and a JD back to back so I have been in school for five years. My family is dysfunctional and not supportive--she knows I am on my own.

I was suspicious about the random calls but I did not answer them. When she called from her number I was frustrated because I have worked hard to stay away from her and leave her alone. She is over a year sober and the last time we reconciled she said she was a month sober and she wanted us to be a happy, sober couple. I'm tired of trying to figure out the right thing to do. I'm glad she is sober and I knew she needed to do that on her own. She looked angry and upset when I shook her hand. I backed up when she tried to hug me. Also, she told me she would not disrupt my life and she said she would try not to think about me everyday--pure manipulation.

I'm serious about protecting myself which is why I am on here seeking advice. After I met her the random phone numbers continued. I called one number back and it was a woman who said she didn't call me. Should I assume she is someone calling me but making it appear like other people are calling?

I have not reached out to her. The amends she made seemed genuine but also motivated by something other than remorse. She had a letter but she didn't read it or give it to me.

I care about this person but I can't help her get well. The best thing to do is block everything and leave it all in the past. My friend in AA said she was fishing and I didn't bite. Whatever that means.

I'm just mentally burned out from school and I can't understand her behavior.

[bus boy]

Greenleaf123, being sober is a wonderful way to live.
  I don't know if the ever let go. Xw has been gone for many years and living with a man for the past 2 years and she continues to do things that keeps a strange attachment. The other day Xw drove past my house, she has to go way out of her way to go by my place, she harasses my sister. We don't want anything to do with Xw but in a twisted way she keeps my family and I attached. Xw text me hi a few weeks ago, normally Xw treats me like a dog so the "hi" was strange, I did not reply.

[Fr4nz]

Hi Greenleaf,

just my 2c and complementing what the other folks said... .

So, I thought that my exuBPDgf was a cut-off type, and thus completely out of my life... .however, just some days ago I received, after 2 years and a half of radio silence, some messages that were incredibly violent. Completely out of the blue.

You can read here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312022.0

All in all, it's absolutely true that they cannot truly let you go, especially if you played an important role in their life. It may seem that they moved on, years may pass... .but they come back, in one way or another.

As such, I think that the best course of action is to not respond and maintain NC If you sense that you can be still triggered emotionally by her.

[JQ]

Hey Greenleaf,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through this ... .it can be frustrating & scary at times. I will echo what others have said here ... .they are unable to let go because they're brain is broken. It's beyond reason to try & understand why so just let it go & try to protect yourself.

Case in point ... .1st exBPDgf left me alone for 17 yrs ... .however, without my knowledge had wormed her way into my "family" and when I divorced she somehow got a hold of my number and gave me a call expressing how sorry she was that I was divorcing.  I tried to play nice but it was not to be. She exhibited the same level of anger within minutes among ALL the other type of BPD behavior you have learned about. I blocked her on all my social media & phone.  She was able to send me a IM via FB telling me she was done with me ... .was never going to contact me ever again ... .and like all other attempts to contact me I ignored it ... .that was 12 months ago. She sent me 2 more FB IM's to which I ignored ... .I didn't even open them up because when you do it will let the sender know the day & time you opened them up !  SO just ignore them ... .nothing good will come from spending them up.

As far as moving to a new city & protecting yourself ... .lock down your FB account and advise any friends who might be in contact with her NOT to give out your information. I would also change your cell phone number to the new area code ... .you can do this via your service provider via the internet & actually pick your number & the greeting that you want for your old number ... .i.e. "This number is no longer in service & no further information is provided".

-Change your email address if you believe you need too.  With Google out there, it's nearly impossible to go completely dark ... .but you can reduce your exposure where ever you can.

My last exBPDgf has from time to time reached out for one reason or another ... .I've done my best to go dark with her too. Blocked & deleted her phone number, blocked & locked down my FB & other social media. It's only a matter of time before she figures it out and finds a way to reach out yet again at which point I will ignore her attempts. 

In the end I believe that's the BEST thing any NON can do when their respective exBPD r/s reaches out ... .ignore them regardless of the plea they make, the threats they make or the self harm they claim they will do. NOT YOUR FLYING MONKEY'S NOT YOUR CIRCUS~!

I wish you the best on your new endeavors & wish you all the success in your new city & job ... .stay in touch ... .let us know how you're doing and how things are going for you ... .the group is always here for your support.

J

[roberto516]

My one ex left 5 years ago when she got pregnant by my replacement. Haven't heard from her since. And this recent one I know I'll never hear from again. She never reached out to exes. She's the expert at detach and cut off. Although I raged on her after the breakup. Maybe that's the key. When you leave gracefully or they dump you and you taken it calmly it leaves the door open for them. Maybe.

Take care of yourself. You seem to be doing well out of all this.

[Dutched]

It is said pwBPD never say goodbye.

I classify exw as a people cutter and I consider her as High Functioning.
Dumped her parents / family at age 18 in an outburst.
Never said goodbye to them.
Cut them off for 9 -10 yrs.
And... never, ever informed them where she was
When reconciled (long story on itself) exw’s mindset was as if nothing happened…, as if they just spoke each other the other day…

After 30+ yrs. exw’s had her last outburst… (at least one directed to me)
Saying:  “I can’t stand this anymore! I need my rest and will temporarily stay elsewhere!”…
Long story short:
= leaving temporarily means divorce
= within 2 weeks exw left (2 teenage kids involved…)  => no goodbye…
= 2 months later (divorce matters) I reached out my hand for saying goodbye, it was refused…
After a remark of exw, I reached out a second time and wished her all the best, it was refused again…

Up to this day, that woman never ever told me she was going to divorce me…
Up to this day, that woman never ever could get out of her throat the word ‘divorce’…
Up to this day, that woman never wished me all the best…

Cut me off, even no response concerning matters of then still a minor son.
Felt however the strong need to let me know she found a great granddaddy (he is) as her new life companion.
   
Fr4nz received out of the blue a violent message after a 2 yrs. NC.
Exw, a 4 yrs. after that woman left and divorce was finalized, felt the need to have a consult with my family doctor.
Telling my family doctor that I was acting strange… the ‘she’ wanted him to know…
 
So although being totally split black,
being a people cutter,
and manipulated the kids to estrange from me,
that woman consults my family doctor…

They never say goodbye, nor let go.

Keep focussing on yourself!  THE most important is YOU.

[Roselily]

Hello Greenleaf23,
I'm very sorry u r experiencing this... but seems like a BPD behavior ... .My ex did the same thing a long time after our relationship ended and they were involved with another... .Protect urself... .block,or don't respond...
either way... .it's not a good thing...
best of luck...

[Greenleaf23]

I don't care if she is with someone else. I don't want her to spy on me and try to figure out what I am doing! I'm moving in 15 days and I should fell better after I get out of where I am. My gut tells me that I could get married and she would still try to interfere with my life. That is what makes me feel uneasy.

I've matured a lot and I have learned to depend on myself. I don't think she was happy that I was sober and detached. She's like a child and I don't find her attractive at this point. I think she used the excuse of making amends to try and figure out what I am doing, but I didn't tell her my plans. She did say she would not disrupt my life, but people who respect someone's boundaries don't say things like that.

I'm free and I worked hard to liberate myself from hell. I learned a lot about myself and I also developed a stronger sense of self-worth.

[SummerStorm]

The more important we were to them, the less likely they are to let go.  I was just blocked, for the umpteenth time, by my BPD friend.  Just last week, she texted me and said that I was there through her darkest times and that she can't say that about anyone else.  She frequently blocks and then later unblocks people on social media and always tries to reconnect with her exes, even if it's just to be friends. 

[Greenleaf23]

She just enjoys messing with me and making me feel bad. It must get old after a while and someone new can be a punching bag. I met this woman in AA and I remember being scared of relapsing so I let her tell me how to stay sober. Little did I know she was a controlling psychopath. But I guess we make our own mistakes and we have to live with the consequences.

I am changing my number because this is getting old. I don't know how I made it through school. I'm sure she would much prefer to see me without my diploma. I almost told her I had dropped out just to see what she would say.

I don't want to be married to a good woman one day and have to protect my family from a lunatic. But if y'all say they never go away then I guess I better protect myself.

I am NEVER messing around with mental illness again. EVER.