Hope is a thing with feathers

[Winifred]

It's now seven months since our granddaughter has been in relative care with us. Our daughter, who jumped off a balcony to get away from her abusive boyfriend, spent two months in a nursing home recovering from her injuries. She's living in an apartment and is trying to regain custody of her now 15-month old daughter. At a court hearing in June, the judge said that regaining custody will depend on her mental state. She'll have a psych evaluation in August, is seeing a therapist, and is taking her meds as prescribed. She sent us a (seemingly) heartfelt letter of apology, says please and thank you, and seems to have changed in some fundamental way. She returns hugs now, not just receives them. It's tempting to think that she hit bottom, but we are so used to the good-girl, bad-girl pattern that we don't know what to think. The tale will be told when the abusive drug-addicted sperm donor gets out of prison in September. There are protection orders all around her, the baby, and us, but we'll see what happens when she knows it's possible to contact him. If that happens, she'll lose the baby for good. We'll adopt. The court has liberalized visitations, so she stays with us three days a week and cares for the baby under our supervision. The visits are pleasant, she doesn't argue about anything, including our suggestions for caring for the baby, and she and the baby have a great time. We also get a respite, although we need to be present at all times. I'd be interested in any accounts of BPD's who have turned themselves around. Thanks so much to all who responded to my previous posts -- you have helped me more than you know.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Hi Winifred,

What a difficult situation!  I know what you mean about not trusting this "good spell" to last. 

I'm fairly new here and my DD is 17, and recently diagnosed, so I don't have a success story for you... .yet.  But, I know if you look up RaptReader's story, her BPDS is fully recovered.  Her story about him is inspiring. I don't know if she's online here this weekend, but I'm sure there is a way to look up her story.  I know she's mentioned it to other newbies here.

I wish you peace and hope to deal with your situation.  Your DD doesn't know how lucky she is to have you care for her AND your GD.  Maybe someday, she'll realize what a wonderful mom you are!

Hang in there.

[TopsyTurvy]

Winifred, it is great that you have been able to step in and take care of your granddaughter while your own daughter was unable to. It sounds like she is doing much better now and it is encouraging that your dd is visiting and taking care of her child. I know what you mean about it being nice to get a respite. I am raising my grandson so I can definitely relate to that!

I think only time will tell if she has turned her life around but it does seem as if she is on the right track. She is seeing a therapist and taking her medication. Those are wonderful steps to getting her disorder under control. I am sure that there will still be many ups and downs but I think you can celebrate how far she has come today. I will pray for you and your daughter and hope she continues making positive steps toward reuniting with her baby.

[jellibeans]

Dear winifred

I don't think you will recognize my name because I changed it recently but I know your story well. So happy to read your post today. Some good steps forward for your dd and your whole family. I hope it continues and she gets better with time. Have HOPE winifred... .it is so important and it helps when you are riding that roller coaster... .take care of yourself and thanks for posting... .it gives us all hope as well

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Winifred  

I love the title of this thread; it reminds me of an Angel, and believe me, I've called on plenty of those (beside the Deity and the Universe, etc.   ) over the years. HealingSpirit (appropriate poster to post in this thread!) mentioned my and my son's story, and I do recognize you from some months ago, but if you haven't read about him, the story is here: My son's Recovery-In-Progress Story. Although I can't say he is fully recovered, I can say that for all practical purposes, he probably wouldn't be diagnosed with BPD anymore.

Right now he is going on 17 months clean and sober from a multi-year Heroin addiction, and from everything else that is illegal or mind-altering in the world. He is not suicidal anymore, only sometimes depressed (but it is mild, not clinical), and is still dealing with Social Anxiety but it is not debilitating or anything terrible. He's still in several forms of treatment: OutPatient Therapy once/week; Neurofeedback Therapry once/week; Psychiatrist once/month and medical Dr. every 2 months.

I mention this, because my experience has shown me that if our BPD loved one realizes that he/she has a problem and decides to get help for it, things actually can get better one step at a time... .Which it seems is happening for your daughter. I, also, would be nervous for September to come and the possibility of her becoming involved again with the abusive father of your grandchild. How stressful! She is still getting psychological help, though--is there a chance you can mention your concerns somehow with her Therapist?

Are you allowed to call or email this Therapist, to make sure he/she is aware of the coming event? It might help calm your nerves a bit if you knew for sure that she will be counseled about this event prior to it happening... .I know that I always take the initiate to contact my son's Therapist, Psychiatrist & Neurofeedback Therapist and even Dr., when I foresee a possible problem coming up for my son's recovery (he has filled out all the paperwork allowing them all to keep me in the loop). Many a possible catastrophe has been averted by that!

Another thing I have found that has kept me positive and less stressed is to apply Radical Acceptance of my son and his abilities and situation, in order to live my life in a better frame of mind. Is he still disorganized, messy, hermit-like sometimes? Is he still unemployed and needing our help? Is he not self-sufficient and living the kind of life we'd always envisioned for him? Yup, yup, yup to all of that... .But he is the happiest and healthiest he's been since he was 19 years old, and he's mostly a joy to have around, and our family is now at peace and moving forward every day. I'm thankful to all of our Angels for that