Talk about the spring break trip/ visiting colleges

[formflier]

So... .I'm looking for validation of my chosen pathway... .and/or help with looking at alternate ideas for a healthy response.


The situation:  We have a 16 year old that is able to graduate high school early.  He would be entering college just as he turns 17.  In one of the rare instances where my wife and I are "one flesh"... .we have been "one flesh" that the only acceptable option for S17 was a local option.  He might be in a residence hall, but would be in same area (10 minutes away)... .or... .if he didn't get in that he would go to a community college and live at home.  

Well... .he didn't get in to the 4 year university.  No shock really.  The shock comes that my wife has announced that during our spring break trip (already planned for next week) that we will be visiting another university (hours away).  That she and the son have already discussed it and this is where he wants to go.  

I didn't "react", instead I asked questions... .gathered information... .etc etc.  Been thinking about it for a few days.

I'm going to chat with my wife about this further tonight.  Here is what I've found out... .surmised.

1.  Our son is fine with going to community college.  My wife is the one pushing him to go this other place.  

2.  My wife acknowledges that we were "one flesh" about our son and when I asked what has changed... .she has no answer.  She says "maybe" she has changed her mind... .

3.  The issue with keeping him close is that there has been some relative immaturity (compared to other kids we have raised)... .and he needs more supervision.  I would note that he has responded well to the supervision, but he is not ready yet to be "left to his own devices"... .

4.  She agrees this is still the case... but "maybe" she will change her mind.

5.  As the conversation and questions went on... she seems to understand that she made an error in setting all this up with the son and keeping me in the dark.  It was presented to me as "Oh by the way... .(literally)... we'll do this too... "  I didn't push this point at the time... .

6.  I asked her to help me understand how showing our son a "college option" that we both had said no to... .and she is now a "maybe" on... is a good idea.  Especially when the reason it was not an option... .had nothing to do with the college.   "Well... .I don't know... ."

7.  I will say... .the conversation was surprisingly respectful... .I validated some here and there... .ventured some questions... .when there was weirdness... .I didn't push.  Just stopped exploration at that point...


My issue/decision:  I'm fine with going on the spring break trip, but I'm not going unless the college visit is off.  Big picture:  If she and my son decide he needs to go there... .they can do that without me... my signatures... .any of that.  I can't stop them... .and won't try.

Luckily, we live in a state where the veterans benefits are such that most of college is paid for.  That requires my participation and agreement.  My guess is I will be called controlling and such... .I can agree and validate that.

I'll be open to continuing a conversation with my wife about my son's maturity, in the off chance there are things I'm missing... .but I doubt that will be the case.

Questions

1.  If she bucks up and says the college trip is on... .do I get in the vehicle to go with them.  Right now... .my thought is that I don't.

2.  If we go on the trip and she decides the college visit is back on... .somehow... .I guess I'll physically remove myself.

3.  Would you guys participate in showing your kid an option (for anything really)... .when you know you would never go for it.

I'll hush for now... .hopefully this makes sense.  I'm going to work on some kind of a SET format to start the conversation with... .I'll post that later.

FF

[GaGrl]

I'll have to think about possible options and get back.

However, pay attention to the international tuition and knowledge of your son that led to the local options. I left high school early and was barely 17 when I went to a college 600 miles away. I did OK but really missed the stability of home, and I made several decisions that were not good and took some unraveling. My son went away to school at 18 and just wasn't ready. His dad thought he needed a gap year, and his dad was right.

[formflier]

That's pretty much our story as well.

Backstory:  We likely made a mistake by putting him in Kindergarten "early".  His birthday was such we could have put him in when he was 5... .or 6.  We chose 5.  Honestly... .we should have probably repeated kindergarten as the least intrusive way to help him mature. 

He did OK through elementary... ."solid C" student... .that occasionally flubbed and got worse and every once in a while did a bit better.

The college thing is really not about academics.


S16 "wears his heart on his sleeve" and really cares a lot about fitting in.  "monitoring his crowd" has been a bigger deal for him than our first 2... .and honestly... .any of the ones after him.  He sees "the allure" of some of the "worse" crowds and left to his own devices... .tends to gravitate that way. 

To his credit... .he takes direction/discipline pretty well and can see and understand the reasoning behind the times we have said no... .or gotten involved in changing his choices. 

Those times are getting less and less.  The trend is positive... .

So... I don't at all want to give the impression he is a bad kid... .  A "maturity gap" and bad kid are miles apart.  Still... .you can get involved in stuff so quickly these days... .and with all the digital stuff... .the impact will last a long time.

In fact... .had lunch with him today and he brought up social media and the Marines that are in trouble for posting nude pictures.  (it sort of flowed from a related military conversation)... .  Anyway... .I of course worked in a story from my day to illustrate "how much more dangerous" the world is today for "shenanigans".  Let's just say when I was a younger Naval Aviator... .I found it quite funny when guys would leave their film cameras laying about on the ship.  Especially guys than had announced they sent their film home to their wives to be developed... .          It really did seem like a good idea and funny at the time... .still grin today.

Anyway... .those things went "a couple people deep"... .and then burned out.  today with digial... .it can go around the world and be permanent. 

Sigh... .

Long way of saying... .not a good idea to send him away... .

FF

[Fian]

I agree with your plan of not supporting it.  You are the Biblical head of household plus your wife should not be making important unilateral decisions without your consent.  I think your bigger challenge will be explaining what you are doing to your son.  I think it is important that he doesn't think you are being mean or don't respect him.

[formflier]

I agree with your plan of not supporting it.  You are the Biblical head of household plus your wife should not be making important unilateral decisions without your consent.  I think your bigger challenge will be explaining what you are doing to your son.  I think it is important that he doesn't think you are being mean or don't respect him.

Which... .would have been much better if "we" explained it as a united front... .vice "mommy says this is OK... "... .and "daddy doesn't"... .or worse... ."mommy says this means daddy... xyz... "

Sigh...

I'm getting too far ahead of myself... .I just need to be clear in my head about what I am and I'm not OK with... .and communicate that. 

Hopefully I can listen and validate... .and then let her sort out how to handle her feelings about my "not being onboard... "

FF

[Panda39]

Would you be willing to offer up a compromise... .Community College for the first 2 years and if your son is interested in the University after 2 years he goes?  Community College 2 years would save money and give your son some time to mature.

Panda39

[formflier]

Well... .no talk tonight.  I ended up limiting our evening together due to her rudeness.

Asking me a question, turning her back and walking away as I start to answer... .I gave some wiggle room and then asked her if she was interested in hearing the answer... .and several times she gave really odd responses.

her...  "What's the problem with just telling me now... ."

FF  If you want to hear the answer, I'll let you know... .if you don't I won't tell you...

her... "I just don't see why you won't tell me... ."

several other things of similar nature.  She didn't seem dysregulated... .I would call it more of a pissy mood.  

I ended up going for a walk.  Felt better.  I get back and she says something like "get over here... ."  

I suppose in her mind she could have thought it playful... .I didn't hear anything playful.  

I turned and looked at her and said... ."I'm not your employee to order around... "  went and stretched and took a hot bath after the walk.

About to go to bed.  Not sure what happened.  Seemed like we were having an above average day.  Perhaps I was a bit too kind or something... and she "pushed" away a bit.  Who knows... .

Tomorrow... .I'll be a bit pushier about having a talk about the trip.

FF

[formflier]

Would you be willing to offer up a compromise... .Community College for the first 2 years and if your son is interested in the University after 2 years he goes?  Community College 2 years would save money and give your son some time to mature.

Panda39

Oh... totally.  Our "compromise" or "one flesh" agreement ended when he was 18... . 

This University (in our town) has a particular program that he wants... .the other place doesn't have that.

The issue is keeping him closer at hand until he matures more... or turns 18. 

Update:  I did have a good late lunch with my son (the one in question... college bound).  Anyway... .he is looking for a pathway to the local college with the special program... .basically whatever it takes.

We set an appointment for the local community college... .for a bit over a week from now.  That was soonest, to talk with them about taking "transfer courses"... .  They have a specialist that talks to people like him and design a plan.

He seems all for it.  Essentially... .this was the original "fallback" plan.

I did not talk to him about his Mom's idea either way. 

Sigh...

FF

[formflier]

And the "etch a sketch" showed up this morning.

I had a good nights sleep.  She slept on the couch... .been over a week since she slept in our room.  (I haven't mentioned it or asked... )

She gave me a playful swat on the butt... .I said "hey... "

She needed some help with a few things to get ready to go to work (getting a game down from the closet... .other things like that). 

She left without saying anything.  It's about 50/50 that she says she is going.

The texts start coming soon after she heads off to work.

Thanked me for making her lunch... .said other teachers were impressed, she apologized for not asking me if S16  could stay home today (apparently random day off from high school... ), asked if we could go out to eat tonight, thanked me for bringing D12 to her classroom yesterday afternoon... .so d12 could help with a few projects.

I let her know she was welcome that I enjoyed doing those things and that I would address the rest of the stuff later.

Poof... .never happened. 

My plan is to address the college trip issue before going out to eat tonight... .

FF   

[Grey Kitty]

OK, as I understand it, college is (mostly) paid for from your benefits, if you sign.

And as I understand it, you are unwilling to do so for S16 at this distant university.

And as I understand it, your wife (and her family) aren't going to pony up the money to do it without your benefits.

So short version--S16 won't be going to college there. No matter what your wife says or does.

... .ok, with all that set up, have you discussed this with S16? He is old enough to understand a bit more about conflicts between you and your wife than younger kids would.

Do you think talking to S16 about it before the spring break trip might be a good idea?

[formflier]

 
Grey,


You've nailed "the facts and situation".

The basic "decision" or "incident" that I am trying to head off is going on a spring break trip, where my wife intends to show our son and option for his future (this fall)... .that both my wife and I both decided was not an option due to his maturity.

I have not yet discussed again, with my son that "I" don't support him "going away" to college.  Last fall, when the idea of graduating from high school a year early came up and my son wanted to go away to college, my wife and I had a talk with him about what his options were.  He understood and seemed ok with it, even though he wanted something different.

I DID have lunch with him yesterday, after going to the community college with him, and had a good conversation about WHAT HE WANTS for his future.  He wants in the local university, in the special program they have, and he is looking for any pathway that leads to that.  He is OK with going to the local community college and taking "transfer classes" and reapplying to the University for the follow on year.

As you guys know, I'm a bit "structured" in my communication.  Since things are not settled with his mother yet... .and didn't discuss those options one way or another.   I suspect that he is much wiser to our conflict than I'm assuming (GK... .you are likely correct here).

He has applied to the "couple hour away place"... .of course he did this at his mother's insistence, although I was not privy to all parts of their conversation. 

Going forward... .  My plan is to offer to go out on a date night with my wife tonight.  I'm going to send some sort of validating text offering this (ask she has already asked) and saying that we need to "get on the same page" with all the things going on in the next few days.

Points for the conversation.

I'm not going to be part of showing my son an option that I don't think is wise for him.  That will be outside my blessing.

I don't have access to any funds for the trip.  I want to clarify that she does.  (pretty sure she has this handled... .but not something to assume.)

If we get through that... on to date night.  I don't plan on bringing up rudeness last night... .move along.  She can think whatever she wants to think... .

Thoughts?

FF