Guidance

[moonunit]

I need some suggestions on where to find help in the Lessons.

I currently struggle with a couple of issues.

The main one is that my SO consistently brings up old wounds and starts to dysregulate over them. My main problem is that i cannot seem to stay out of the line of fire, in many cases i put myself right in the line of fire because i respond with my own insults. I need to learn to walk away before thing escalate and would like to get input as to which Lessons i should be focusing on.

I tend make matters that are bad even worse by engaging in the twisted conversations.

I have many more issue to work through, this i believe is a good starting point for me.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

Learning to not engage requires a couple of skills

~ know thyself - what is it that fires you up? do you not like being criticized? do you not like him thinking badly of you? are you worried that not talking to him will make it worse? once you figure out what keeps you playing - then you can work on resolving your own issues.

~ knowledge about BPD - he needs to dump his emotions on someone so he can feel better. Engaging him in this game allows him to escape his pain in an unhealthy way. Learning to see it for what it is can help you not play.

~ boundaries - what do you hold most important? being right in an argument or preserving the health of your relationship? boundaries are all about us doing what is better for the long term. This requires you to know what you value most and then keeping that thought upper most in your mind. We do what is important to us. Once you determine that it is easier to stick with your commitments.

~ mindfulness - this one is to help you find the peace and to develop the inner control to step back and not get sucked in.

[Rockylove]

Mindfulness is something I'm struggling with.  I seem to get sucked in when I'm most vulnerable~~usually when I'm exhausted from work!  Not sure how to get around that as I know I will occasionally be tired and cranky.

[Wrongturn1]

Here's what I plan to say the next time my uBPDw brings up old wounds and attempts to blame me for all her problems:

"We have had this conversation multiple times before, and I have said all that I can say.  Discussing this again can only hurt our relationship, and I do not want that to happen, so I'm going downstairs to read and will come back in about an hour."

Notice that I'm not doing any judging, blaming, or using the word "you" at all here. 

[moonunit]

Thank you all for your thoughts - I will move back into the Lessons once again. I enjoyed the posts and found them to be very helpful.

I am getting better handling my SO, she doesn't carry arguements on for days anymore, i still need to work on myself to not engage and to work out why i feel the need to engage .

Back to the education part of my journey.

Thank you.  

[Foreverhopefull]

When I start feeling like I'll lose control of myself, I just "ask" for a time out.

Usually I would say things like :" We need to stop this for a minute, I need to take a breather and calm down. I want us to be able to have a conversation and not an argument. So let me go calm down and we will talk later."

If it's the same old thing over and over again, I learned to say:" I'm sorry that you feel this subject is not resolved, I do not have the words or tools to help you resolve this issue. Maybe you could bring it up with your T next week. If you wish, I will gladly make a note of it and remind you that you want to discuss this further with her."

It's been a blessing to have found the lessons, it reduced the arguments in my house by 90%. When there is an argument, it's usually my fault for forgetting the lessons.I forget that I'm dealing with a pwBPD and not someone who has a better balance of their emotions and reactions to issues.

I personally fell that the education part of my journey will never be done, as it is for him. We learn together what can and can't be acceptable or done in our relationship. (i.e. Me saying I'm leaving for diner with friends at the last minute. This is a major cause of insecurity for my husband, his abandonment issues flare up if I go out last minute. I need to prepare him well in advance. or Him disrespecting my family. He knows that it's a deal breaker for me. He can complain about them all he wants in the comfort of our home, but never disrespect them)

We've been working on this for over a year, and I still forget from time to time.

[Cloudy Days]

Have you looked at how to stop invalidating. My husband will also dig up old wounds and sometimes I get dragged into them when I shouldn't. Most of the time the conversation starts out innocent and turns into a long drawn out session of my husband btching about his past, most of the time I had nothing to do with it because I didn't know him yet. I don't usually know what to say but reading the stop invalidating lesson let me know what I was saying that is a direct trigger. It helped me a lot in a simple way.

[moonunit]

Cloudy days - i know that i invalidate her at times, however i have learned not to validate when she is dysregulated, which is a lot of the times when these conversations arise.

I will use some of the phrases above, i think they will be very helpful, especially to my situation.   

[Rockylove]

I just had an intense weekend and there was some really intense emotional moments where I could have validated and didn't quite know how... .  I just said nothing at all which seemed far better than invalidating.  I wish I could give you some words of wisdom, but I've none other than taking every opportunity to try communicating differently.  This time, not validating (saying nothing) was more effective than validating the invalid or invalidating as I used to do.