Out in ‘public’

[Parents! Get help here!]

NC with BPD for a few weeks now. However  I am attending a ‘family& friends’ gathering ‘soon’. She has decided to go & given the occasion be seated near to me. It’s something I absolutely have to attend otherwise I would make polite excuses.
I have just started to feel a little bit better being away from her abuse. I honestly thought I was going have a NBD and at one point & wondered if I had post traumatic stress disorder - It’s been that bad.
There will be at least half a dozen people at this ‘gathering’ who I know, just by their presence, will ‘trigger’ her, not just me.
I do not want to talk or even look at her. I feel like I’m going to be walking into a munition factory and will be watching her waving her lighted torch as she enters the ‘room’
 Her elder sibling will be there & who absolutely despises the ground she walks on after everything she’s ruined over the years. I’m dreading her approaching me with her bile & vile accusation's as she’s now on what I believe mental health professional's describe as BPD level three which translated towards me = Pure Hate !

[SwanOrnament]

NC with BPD for a few weeks now. However  I am attending a ‘family& friends’ gathering ‘soon’. She has decided to go & given the occasion be seated near to me. It’s something I absolutely have to attend otherwise I would make polite excuses.
I have just started to feel a little bit better being away from her abuse. I honestly thought I was going have a NBD and at one point & wondered if I had post traumatic stress disorder - It’s been that bad.
There will be at least half a dozen people at this ‘gathering’ who I know, just by their presence, will ‘trigger’ her, not just me.
I do not want to talk or even look at her. I feel like I’m going to be walking into a munition factory and will be watching her waving her lighted torch as she enters the ‘room’
 Her elder sibling will be there & who absolutely despises the ground she walks on after everything she’s ruined over the years. I’m dreading her approaching me with her bile & vile accusation's as she’s now on what I believe mental health professional's describe as BPD level three which translated towards me = Pure Hate !

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi SwanOrnament
I've read your post a few times now. It is a truly awful situation to be in. I hadn't heard of level 3 before - I think that is where my dd is at in relation to myself. Our BPD kids somehow manage to corner us into impossible situations and in your case this is worse in my mind because you are just starting to heal a little from prolonged chaos, blaming and everything else that goes with this awful illness.

I was wondering if you could 'skip' but you mention you have to go. Just a few questions going through my mind:

How many people will be there?
Is there any way you can get the seating changed?
Do you think DD will turn up? I ask this because I am pretty sure my DD would opt out at the last minute - she would be all bluff really, making sure I and anyone else who might be upset at her presence thinks she is coming and then my DD would not turn up (lots of reasons for this that I won't go into here).

If you are pretty sure your dd will turn up, will she be determined to start a loud conflict - has she done this in the past?

It is a pity this event is so early in your recovery. It takes a long time to wind down from the high alert we are forced into when interacting with our bpd adult/child.

I don't feel I know enough to make a valid comment or suggestion. I do think that thinking ahead to a 'if . . then' plan is useful. For example, if dd starts to talk loudly, accusing etc, you will move to another area or leave?

Planning ahead for 'ifs' can be really helpful for you and your other dd.

The other thing is a trick that I use quite a bit when my dd is sending out signals - body language, stomping etc. I imagine I am in a large bubble - it's a protective bubble in my mind that means that things bounce off it - and the sounds, words etc of my Dd can't penetrate this bubble.

I can go in and out of the bubble in my mind. So if dd is pleasant one minute I am polite and make a brief comment. Often the next thing is dd is blaming me for something - so I'm back in my bubble.

Sorry if this seems ridiculous. There might be some more helpful suggestions posted here. The main thing I think is to think tall, and plan ahead if you can. You know your dd very well so you know what the possibilities are going to be.

I am sitting here hoping that your dd is like mine and will opt out at the last minute so everyone else can enjoy the time together!

[SwanOrnament]

Thank you so much for your long and thoughtful reply !
It was a no show.
I thought I would have felt relief but oddly enough I felt a sadness that she could not be there, as my daughter, but free from this curse of this illness.
How do you ever stop loving them, you can’t if you’re ‘normal’ what ever that is !
My love for her now feels like a grieving love for a person who is living but living on another planet with a very different set of ‘rules’.
It’s wretched but we have to try and live a life that we value and are valued, we cannot be in two places at once exhausted and confused, constantly licking our wounds.

[Sancho]

Hi SwanOrnament
Thanks for your reply. You express what this journey is like very, very well. We are either coping with the chaos of BPD or we grieve on a very deep level.

The love doesn't diminish in my experience. In fact it is a consolation for me. My dd is badly affected by this illness, her life is chaos and she desperately seeks out friends. Sometimes my heart feels like breaking but I come back to the fact of that love. I say to myself that in spite of it all my dd is loved. There is someone in this world who loves her deeply.

That consoles me for some reason.

[Ourworld]

Hi SwanOrnament,

I understand you missing seeing your daughter, but am glad that you weren’t further stressed by her arguing and treating you mean and hopefully able to focus on the meeting.

My high-functioning daughter is now 38 years old, she has blocked me for the last 11 years. I have seen her a handful of times over the years at our few family gatherings, but even then she still will not speak to me.
I usually ask her if I can give her a hug when we leave, and I cannot even remember the last time she let me, and when she did it was very cold anyway.
I think and pray for her a lot each day, and the only way I deal with it is to focus on my own pursuits. My thoughts of her will never go away, but staying busy helps.
I encourage you to get involved in as much as you can, and it also helps me to read a lot. I mostly read non-fiction, so it seems helpful to focus on other people’s lives-I read the Bible and am also reading stories of courageous women that are local missionaries in dangerous countries.

Another thing I do when I’m at home or in the car is constantly listen to uplifting music-my preference is Contemporary Christian songs-I really like this because the lyrics are so positive and since I’m praising God, these songs give me great peace! (at home, I play YouTube videos on my tv)

I am 65 and a retired widow, I love to do volunteer work with children & youth, and I also volunteer at the prisons.

Just focus on doing the things you like and want to do.

I’m even preparing to go overseas as a missionary, sure, I hope she contacts me someday, but in the meantime, I must live my own life, knowing that if she does ever re-connect with me that is something I’ll deal with at the time.

The act of Intercessory Prayer for our daughters along with friends and families makes a HUGE difference! It was the prayers of people when I was 3 years old that saved my life!

I truly wish you the best, be the best version of YOU that you can, and trust that what will be, will be.
And finally, I would like to remind you as someone reminded me; you really did your part for her life when you raised her. This was a blessing that God gave you to raise one of His children, you did a great job, and she’s in His hands now.
I know we still think we need to help them, but we have to trust and let them fly and figure out their own way, and ask God to help them and keep them safe.

I hope this helps you to be able to let go.
(I don’t know your religious beliefs, and I hope I didn’t offend you in any way.)

I truly wish you peace and comfort.

[js friend]

Hi swanOrnament,

Iam a little late to reply but I had a suspicion that your dd wouldnt turn up. My udd  has social anxiety and hates crowds plus she wouldnt want to see me there as she doesnt want me to see my gkids if she were expected to bring them along. if there is another occasion where you think your dd will be there and she will be disrespectful towards you maybe you could volunteer to be behind the scenes with the food, music, organising etc so you will be busy and wont have  be in too much contact with her.  Im glad you went to your function and hope you let your her down for a bit and  enjoyed yourself, We need to be doing more of that and not let our pwbpd stop us from doing these things.
 My udd  is very good at  keeping her abusive behaviour underwraps and only lets it out behind closed doors or in a car or somewhere like that. She  used to cause all commotion in my home and then once she was outside it was like nothing ever happened! She would literally die of shame if there were out side witnesses. Once she started ranting at me. When I made her know that someone on the other end of the phone she stopped and went quietly to her room with her tail between her legs. The last time I saw my udd I went to her home and still expected  the worse for her to even throw boiling water on me or something like that but she didnt. She didnt even raise her voice or cuss at me because I was on her doorstep and she didnt want her neighbours to see her acting badly.