Confused and Scared

[PersisBarry]

Hello everyone. I’ve never posted anything and I don’t know what I’m doing. And honestly I’m not sure if my partner has BPD but he checks all the boxes. I know this because I read the book he bought ostensibly to help himself cope with ME (Stop Walking on Eggshells). He rages at me about boundaries if I’m sitting still having never crossed one (he’s never articulated any) and lately the self harm during rages is so terrifying he’s given himself wounds. Black eyes. Etc. Other times he’s the love of my life and I can do no wrong. I have two teenage boys he’s never been anything but wonderful to. They have witnessed some of his escalations but think he’s a perfectionist wanting to please. With this most recent state where he’s thinking I’m the one that needs to take responsibility because of our issues, it’s really hard. He blames me for everything. Everything. I’m exhausted and I love him and I don’t know what to do. Can you live with someone who won’t go to a psychiatrist? He sees a therapist that says it won’t do much more good than he’s already getting from her to see someone with a PhD but I disagree. And I can’t fix him or make him go. Am I wrong?  What do I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi PersisBarry, you're doing fine! Welcome to the group -- we all started as beginners here.

It's also okay that you aren't sure whether or not your partner has BPD. Many members here have a pwBPD (person with BPD) in their lives who doesn't have an official diagnosis, but has many challenging traits and behaviors. We sometimes say here that it isn't the label or diagnosis that's the problem, it's what the person does that is the real issue.

Am I reading right that he is not your sons' dad?

How old are the boys -- younger teens or older teens? And how are his interactions with them?

With this most recent state where he’s thinking I’m the one that needs to take responsibility because of our issues, it’s really hard. He blames me for everything. Everything. I’m exhausted and I love him and I don’t know what to do.

Blame is a common thread around here. It's really frustrating to be targeted as the sole source of everything that could ever be wrong.

There are things we can do to "turn down the heat" so we can see if the relationship is livable -- for some members, the answer is Yes, after making some changes personally, using new tools and skills, there is enough good in the relationship to keep it going.

The hard part is that it falls to the non-BPD partner to take the lead emotionally in the relationship. This can often feel one-sided and unfair, but if you can make peace with the role of "emotional leader", there can be hope for change.

Part of that might include getting some therapy for yourself -- not because "you're to blame", more because we do better at interacting with pwBPD when we have a strong support system and healthy feedback on our part in the relationship. Unfortunately, many pwBPD struggle to be supportive and empathetic, and with "all or nothing" thinking patterns, often can't give healthy feedback. Getting the support and feedback from a neutral third party, like a counselor or therapist, will be so helpful in whatever path you take. Do you have a counselor already?

Keep us in the loop on how things are going;

kells76

[PersisBarry]

Thank you for replying kells76!  It means a lot. I had my first therapy appointment today with a psychiatrist I haven’t seen in many years (but who was also present in my life when I started seeing this person and before he started showing the more severe symptoms). I’ve read a book (stop walking on eggshells), and I’m working on finding compassion and empathy but know I have a few boundaries to set.

He is NOT the children’s father but has been in their lives for 5 years (since they were 7 and 10). He is wonderful to them and they have only seen/heard the mildest of escalations during stressful times on family trips (or similar). We’ve discussed having anxiety and sometimes it makes you act out. But the exasperation is quiet and directed into the air or at me, never them. And again, exceedingly rare. They love him and connect with him more than their Dad (who is also great - we all get along really well and coparent peacefully).

This is part of why the blame works - I am clearly a trigger to him. His job - no. The kids - no. Me? Particularly if I’m not paying enough attention to his needs and wants. He gets frustrated when I don’t get as excited about the concert he has proposed we go to because I have to plan for logistics or think about money.