My Ex has BPD, recently got back in contact after a bumpy 5 months...

[alittleawkward]

I ended an 8 month relationship with my ex back in July, after being told I wasn't trying hard enough in the relationship, my actions were causing them to self harm, and they started producing and selling sexual content to people they knew. Thinking I was the reason for my S/O & best friend to harm was devastating. There were other reasons for leaving that had been mounting up for a while but I tended to bottle them up in an effort to avoid un-necessary conflict in the hope that the reasons would just fade in time. Of course, this was not the case.

The break up was horribly rough. This was my first long term relationship, and they had previously been on and off with an abuser for over 2 years. Over the last 5 months I received monthly essay - length texts telling me how stupid I was to end it, and how I've ruined their life followed.

I sought out counselling and therapy for myself, and spoke to friends about the situation.

Over this period of time, I also gathered that they start doing things that were 'my thing', if you were. Starts wearing a brand of clothing that was niche to me, starts going to events and places I said I'd take them to but she didn't seem interested in, etc. They also got back with their abusive ex.

A close relative of mine died in the last couple weeks, and as it had been nearly a month (the messages were around about monthly) since I last heard from them, I reached out as they were the only person I cared to talk to about the situation (we both have private twitters only we follow each other on, so I contacted them on there). They told me that they're now getting therapy for BPD as they had a breakdown on what would've been our anniversary, and they left their ex again (I know these both to be true). They also told me they were extremely sorry for the way they treated me, and they were really proud of how I've been doing in my job. We updated each other on life, and the conversation ended up lasting about 2 hours, joking and laughing by the end of it. After 5 months, we were both, finally, able to give each other closure.

I'm really proud of the fact they were able to end it with their abusive ex themselves (having never ended a relationship before) and how they recognised the need for therapy. They told me they need some time but they do eventually want to be friends, and we exchanged the heart-felt comments of 'I'm still here for you' and such. They did however also tell me they understood if I wanted to be friends, but 'maybe in a couple years' came up too..

I don't know what distance I should maintain now. They are an amazing person and before we went out we were best friends for a couple of years. We just got along really well as mates and it eventually tumbled into a romantic relationship. I understand that getting back into a BPD relationship is emotional suicide, however with the news that they were able to get rid of their ex, and the therapy, I'm stuck with what my next moves in rebuilding some sort of friendship with them will be. The main idea I have is to try and start having semi-frequent conversations and to invite them to things with different groups of friends (although I must say, a lot of my friends have not been very approving of how things went down). We have similar interests, life goals and dreams, fiddly elements of character and sense of humour. If it weren't for my emotional sensitivity and their BPD I'm sure we'd still be together.

We are both going to be at an event next week, and we said depending on their mood we might have a chat. Other then that, I don't know what to do next. How often should I text them? Should I re-add them on social media? What do I say when we do talk?

I am interested in helping them in any way that I can, and rebuilding our friendship first, and seeing how it goes from there.

any advice anyone may have with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

[pursuingJoy]

alittleawkward, thanks for sharing! Glad you're here with us on the board.

It sounds like you share a connection and I'm glad they were there for you during a rough season. There really are few things in life that I enjoy more than catching up with a friend who gets it.

I think you have a lot of great ideas about how to approach this. Caution and care can only lead to good. Take your time, maybe even set yourself a limit for the number of times you'll connect with them over the course of a week or month.

Stay in touch with how you're feeling, too. You reached out in a moment of vulnerability. Nothing wrong with that, just keep an eye on where you are, what you need, and what you want.

You may also want to ensure there are other friends you're keeping close. Another set of eyes is always a good thing.

I'm happy you reconnected and I'm hopeful it will slowly work into a solid friendship, maybe more. But move ahead sloowly. 

[alittleawkward]

PursuingJoy, thanks for the reply.

I have a superb bunch of friends I'm really grateful for; the people I live with really look after me, but as you pointed out, in a moment of vulnerability my ex was truly the only person I wanted to open up to about it all.

There were a few things I forgot to mention in my first post and the edit option seems to have disappeared...I'm not sure if any of this is relevant to the situation, but extra context might help.

- We have lived together as friends in the past and always have just clicked.
- They are currently going through a pretty aggressive depressive slump and I absolutely do not want to trigger it or make it worse, but I also feel like I may be able to help them. Don't want to give them false hope though.
- Their family and friends were all amazing, and we got along really well.
- The relationship was long distance which added an extra, different level of stress on top of the mental health issues.

Point taken about taking things slowly. Every day I want to message them on how they're doing but realistically I only plan on messaging them twice more before the new year, so to be distant but present if wanted or needed. Anymore advice on dealing with similar situations would be hugely appreciated.

[itsmeSnap]

Other then that, I don't know what to do next. How often should I text them? Should I re-add them on social media? What do I say when we do talk?

There really isn't a "textbook answer" for these sorts of questions. The easiest would be to "go with the flow", but that could mean anything so its not that helpful  .

So far I'm getting into the mindset of "do what feels comfortable" myself, if you're worried/anxious then its probably not a good time/opportunity.  You mentioned being friends for a long time before the relationship, I'm sure there was something about your interactions back then that was different from the romantic side that you were just comfortable doing?

There were other reasons for leaving that had been mounting up for a while but I tended to bottle them up in an effort to avoid un-necessary conflict in the hope that the reasons would just fade in time

You mind talking about these? bottling up is not really a good idea in any relationship, can cause resentment and emotional distance, which can be perceived as outright rejection even.

[alittleawkward]

My parents had a very nasty divorce with adultery and fleeting involved. My mother used to be hysteric and very overbearing so in order to avoid conflict I just did what I was told and never kicked up much fuss if I didn't like something. I think this was something that came to light when me and my ex started our romantic relationship rather than just being friends - it's also something I have now had therapy for as I visibly hedge but don't speak my mind when something upsets me.

You mind talking about these? bottling up is not really a good idea in any relationship, can cause resentment and emotional distance, which can be perceived as outright rejection even.

A lot of the issues I had were minor by themselves but built up together:
 - too regular contact, where I felt like I was being smothered (but I also miss the immediate reply and acknowledgement whenever I seeked it)
 - I often feel overwhelmed by social media so take pauses from my phone, however because of the long distance nature of our relationship and their anxiety they assumed that was me taking pauses from our relationship (when in reality if we were living together or nearby it wouldn't be a problem).
 - Undermining comments about family & friends, even though they met very few of them.
 - Things I enjoyed doing without them came to trigger their anxiety more and more (either that or they kept it secret at the start of the relationship) and I wanted to do what made me happy but didn't want to upset them.
 - They had a real issue with one of my closest friends due to a past crush I had (which has been squashed and dismissed by both of us) and wouldn't meet them so I could prove there was nothing to be concerned about.
 - If I did something to upset them, it would be tweeted out indirectly. A lot of our mutual friends would be like 'what on earth is going on', but realistically, we just had your typical relationship argument? It frustrated me that they felt the need to broadcast our problems out because in my view, they suddenly become everyone else's problem too, not just our own to work out.
 - A few of my closest friends who I really value the opinion of have seen the drama they have kicked up in previous relationships and really don't approve of their actions (although I feel like this is slightly petty, shallow, and illy informed considering their mental health).
 - Their continual contact with their abusive ex throughout our relationship also really frustrated me
 - I felt exclusivity in the relationship went when they started producing sexual content to sell online, and the fact they did it without anonymity at a lower price and more explicity than discussed upset me more. I'm not even sure their parents know (although we're at that age when we're becoming our own person - so should they even be told?).

Since our split, we have now talked through most of these points and explained either sides perspective to each other.

Despite all this there was a lot of trust in our relationship. Neither of us would ever consider cheating - things seemed very in place. When I was with them, the vast majority of the time the world seemed at right. The spark only died a couple weeks before I ended it when the self harming comments started coming along. After supporting them through a mental slump 6 months prior I couldn't put myself through that again knowing that I could be a reason that they would pin on it. Then after being told my friends were trash, I don't try hard enough, and I should quit my job to see them more, and asking them if their recent indirect tweets were about me to which they confirmed, I decided that was enough.



I'd really like to go with the flow. Since our phone call I've had a massive rush of varied emotions, ranging from really happy that I've finally been able to have a proper conversation with them for the first time in months, and excited as to what we will do or say with each other next, to questioning if I even want to be friends with them, or if I even like them anymore. Deep down I trust that truly, I do still really like them, our similarities our uncanny and they are the most unique, vibrant company I have ever had. Go with the flow, sure, but I'd like to be able to continue forward without feeling like I'm walking on egg shells.

[alittleawkward]

I don't really know why I'm writing this. But I feel like saying something here will help and maybe if people reflect on it I'll work out why.


So we ended up going to the gig with separate parties. I stayed with my friends and they largely stayed with theirs.

Beforehand they texted me saying their other ex had broke their car and ruined their day already. they weren't going to come. I breathed a sigh of relief and the anxiety that had been building up disappeared, although I was slightly sad I wasn't gonna see them. Get to 10PM, and I get another text telling me they're in London.

I get to the event with my friends, we're all fairly tipsy, and within 20 minutes they're approaching me by themself, clearly heavily intoxicated. I freeze, we hug, I don't say anything and they disappear off into the crowd. They approach me 5 more times throughout the night, always by themself, separate from their group, randomly saying little bits before going off again. Never dancing, usually on their phone or visibly vacant.

The last time I see them was when I was on the way back to the cloak room to get my stuff. They pulls me aside and asks for a chat. I asked them how they thought the event was, and they told me they hated it. They had a bad time and although they tried to have fun the company ruined it for them. I jokingly called them a big idiot and a dickhead for even being here with their other ex, and asked if they wanted to go for coffee tomorrow to properly chat. I sarcastically added that they looked like they had a great time, being groped by their other ex. We hug, and part ways, agreeing for a coffee the next day so long as we promised not to take the hang over or come downs out on each other.


Skip to the next day and we meet for coffee. The chat starts off as it would with an old friend. I show them my new cat, tell them how I'm doing with my job, and they do similar. We go grab coffee and start chatting. They tell me how therapy is going. They told me they'd been diagnosed with BPD and split personality disorder (although having researched it, it's not an actual thing...) I think they meant splitting is a particular trait of their BPD. Suddenly a trillion things clicked in my head. A lot of the suddenly bitter and hateful reactions to stuff I did made sense now. They continue to go on about how they cry every day now, bad luck follows them around since our split, and they feel emotionally unavailable these days. Then they dip into their 'splitting', and for the first time, I visibly see it happen. Their expressions go blank and slightly bitter, and they start rolling off how I'll never do better, they were the best thing that'll ever happen to me and I just don't realise it, I took them for granted, I'm completely naive and try too hard and am too nice, and I'm completely replaceable. I decided to give them some of their own medicine (something I have never done in person before) and replied saying how much effort I put in, how their problems were largely self inflicted and how I was grateful I didn't have to deal with them anymore, how I raised issues with the relationship and they ignored them so they faced the consequences. They start crying. I stop.

They start talking about whats going on with their other ex. They feel like they click. He's mentally similar to them (as in, he's also got issues). He will do anything for them (apparently he now even buys their shopping when they ask for it). They tell me they never stopped talking to him during our relationship, and that he's just easier to be close to rather than anything else. I call them out and remind them how stupid that all is considering at this point they have broken up and got back together 7(!) times. They agree its silly, says how they wont ever properly be official again because he talks to and treats them like crap, and their parents and friends strongly dislike him.

They goes on to say how frustrated They are. All their male friends fancy them. All their female friends are shallow and a bit fake. They even found a group chat of 'friends' just taking the piss out of them. They can have any guy they want, and has even had their close friends break up with their long term partners just for the shot of getting with them. But the one person they've ever properly clicked with doesn't want them. I simply reply with 'I can give you a 1000 reasons why I wouldn't get back with you right now. I still care though, and I can't speak for the future.' They call me out for being well meant by naive and very hurtful. Apparently I'm the only person that acknowledges they are more than just a pretty person.

We get up and start walking as it was getting cold, and we get back to the more friendly natured chat. Things start rekindling as to how similar we were, and how much we have in common, intellectually, personally, and hobby wise. I tell them how much I miss listening to them, and spooning. They say they wished I wasn't so damn reasonable & sensible. We both reminisce about how romantic we were together. I bring up that I was going to go to some raves with one of their old friends, and they have a complete freak out that I'm going to end up sleeping with them. No idea where this came from.

Jabs continue but they tend to be avoided. I'm doing great in my job. One of the people I used to crush on now knows all my feelings. My friends are scared of them and what they'd do to me if we got back together. I talk about their cat and their family, and even go and buy them some sweets to give to their parents.

We finally decide it's time to split ways, and I tell them that I sometimes miss them. They remind me that it was my choice to end it, and that they hope I get home safe. We text each other when we get home, and wish each other a happy new year and good luck with our jobs.

I thought it would end here - on a fairly nice note.


But I received more texts from them paranoid about the friend I had planned to go to raves with. I tell them its a non issue and I'd cancel the raves. They reply with reminding me how naive I am and how I don't see the issue. They start saying that they feel like their own friends are picking me over them. I say thats stupid. They tell me they've resolved the issue, and I turn off my phone, wishing them once more a merry christmas and a good new year. I haven't looked at my phone since, but I know that the tweets have already started about me again. I just want it to end civilly, in a position where if we need each other we can reach out and it be ok. I felt like we were so so close last night, but it's just tumbled again. I'm not hurt by the tweets or the comments anymore, even a month ago I'd be crying about this. I'm just frustrated. At least I can truly see the black and white nature of their thought process now. I just need them to understand I don't hate them, I just cannot mentally cope with the idea of being with them.

Thats my bit. as I said at the start I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve posting on here. I'd really like to stay friends but I'm not sure I can keep civil anymore. When I open my phone later I'm scared I'll have a flurry of texts and missed calls, and I don't want to back down in replying anymore, but I also don't want to lose my friend.

[alittleawkward]

they sent me a resolving text wishing me a merry christmas and good luck in the new year. That's what I wanted... but,

Now I'm frustrated and angry. I have so much I want to yell at them about. I thought this would finally give me closure, but I feel like the things that were said at the weekend are actually being mentally digested now and I realise how horrible they've been to me. And the tweets keep rolling on.

I feel a lot more comfortable with letting go of them as a friend now, and can completely wipe away the idea of ever being their romantic partner, but I'm still frustrated with the loss as it seemed like we were making big strides in being civil again.
 
I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow to talk through it all.

[pursuingJoy]

alittleawkward, I read your post yesterday but didn't have time to respond. Thanks for this update.

Now I'm frustrated and angry. I have so much I want to yell at them about. I thought this would finally give me closure, but I feel like the things that were said at the weekend are actually being mentally digested now and I realise how horrible they've been to me. And the tweets keep rolling on.

I feel a lot more comfortable with letting go of them as a friend now, and can completely wipe away the idea of ever being their romantic partner, but I'm still frustrated with the loss as it seemed like we were making big strides in being civil again.

My gosh I get the frustration and anger. You have a better idea of what direction to go but it doesn't make it any less painful. I'm so sorry.

Glad to hear you'll be processing this in therapy. We're here too. Keep us posted on how you're feeling.

pj

[alittleawkward]

Spent the day at work and did 4 hours overtime, I think the productivity has done me a lot of good. I sort of realise a lot of things. I don't want to put the effort into maintaining such a catastrophic and negative relationship, so I won't. I realised that despite all this they have also apologised for their actions a lot in the last couple weeks. It's taken me a moment to realise but because of the BPD they can't help how they act or what they say so much, and whilst it's taken me a couple days to process, I appreciate I should try and avoid taking it to heart. But also I shouldn't have to put up with the bitterness anymore. I suppose this is just a return of the rollercoaster of emotions I've experienced before, I was just caught off guard. hopefully the wobbles die down a little.

[alittleawkward]

My therapist (T) suggests that their apologetic and sincere actions may be a scheme in preparation of attempting to lure me back in, and their true colours flare when they split. T also agreed that she suspected that my ex had a case of BPD but was hesitant to say anything without proper information from a psychiatrist (I had also previously mentioned how nervous I was about receiving labels for myself so its a topic we typically steer clear of). T said that now with the full concoction of prescribed anxiety and depression medication, PTSD & BPD, my ex is in a position where they don't have to take the blame as they can simply place it on the issues they have. It's a very frustrating situation to be in.

We also chatted about my upset with my exes social media presence. The ability to create your own narrative these days with situations such as this can be so detrimental to the other party. Everyone who supports my ex when they tweet things about how awful our relationship was is acting as an enabler, whilst I have to sit here and be the bad guy to all our mutual friends because I protest to sink as low as to broadcast my personal issues online to hundreds of people I semi-know and strangers.

Frustration was still there with the sexual content and the lying too. I don't think I'll ever be in a position to forgive them for selling nude videos for pocket money whilst we were together, whilst being told it was 'burlesque style imagery'. Nor the fact that the restraining order they had promised their parents and myself against their ex was just a scheme to keep us all happy with them whilst they were still talking to their ex behind everyones back. Then to throw out comments online like 'why does no one respect me in relationships', all you can do is sit there and shake your head and wonder why they don't respect themselves.

T also reckons that the texts after our last meet up were my ex testing the hooks, and seeing how far they could drag me. I definitely bowed more then I would've liked to and am rather embarrassed by how much I gave in, but it's too late to make any further comments and I'd rather save being bitter. If any more comments are made I think i'm now in a position having seen my T to respond in a much more appropriate, less passive manner. 

Sorry, anyway, I've been rambling a little now. I may book to see my therapist again in a month or so, but for now I have no intention of messaging my ex again for the foreseeable, and if they message me anything I intend to shut it down.

[pursuingJoy]

alittleawkward, this sounds like an enlightening session! Ugh, the social media posting can be a bear to deal with. People say what they like without accountability, and unfortunately, 'likes per post' reigns as far as motivation. I know that had to be frustrating.

T also reckons that the texts after our last meet up were my ex testing the hooks, and seeing how far they could drag me. I definitely bowed more then I would've liked to and am rather embarrassed by how much I gave in, but it's too late to make any further comments and I'd rather save being bitter. If any more comments are made I think i'm now in a position having seen my T to respond in a much more appropriate, less passive manner. 

Don't be embarrassed. I think it's cool that you hoped this time would be different. Hope and second chances are indicative of a good nature and are to be commended. You gave it a shot and the fact that it failed was not your responsibility. Now that you have additional information, wisdom can kick in and based on what you've learned,  you're right to steer clear of them. If they do reach out, respond as planned with the T.

I think you handled this really well.