Why is it so hard to let go?

[Teddy007]

Days turn into weeks. You wake up, the pain is there, you go to sleep the pain is there. My mind won´t allow me for one second to not think about her. I have wrote a lot on this page about my story. I am trying to function, but every minute of everyday is so hard.

Have read so much and seen so many videos about Bordelile and Narcissist abuse, trauma bond that i feel like i am a professional on the subject. Still my mind wonders away to the good times, to the longing for her. Now it even feels harder when x-mas is around the corner. So many memories. I try to think about how bad she treated me, how i could allow her to treat me this way and why i forgive her.

Still i have false hope that she will contact me and will come back to me? And i can´t understand why? Why would i want her back, why cant i just understand that she is sick...

Why is it so hard to let go. And why i am i taking it all so personal! She is with her new supply and just going about her life with the new cycle and i am suffering to the length that i feel so drained and hopeless. I Feel selfish and lost.

Why can´t the pain just go away! Feeling stuck and desperate. When will it get better? And why am i longing for a charm, for her for us to be together. Why is my mind tricking me like this?

I feel like i don´t exist anymore, and to her it´s like i never matter and our relationship never happen!

Why did this happen? Why did she do this? Why am not just letting go? Why did it have to be like this?

Losing hope on life...

[Lucky Jim]

Still i have false hope that she will contact me and will come back to me? And i can´t understand why? Why would i want her back, why cant i just understand that she is sick...

Hey Teddy007, These types of projections are normal, yet it helps to see them for what they are: projections, not reality.  The mind plays tricks on us.  From what you have written, I gather she treated you poorly and it sounds like you made the right decision to part ways.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like that, though, because the heart and mind have different agendas.

I'm here to confirm that it does get better and suggest you stay the course.

LuckyJim

[gizmocasci]

i second that, it will get better. stay on course, the universe wants you to sit with this pain right now. there's a message inside of it. stay strong, you got this!

r

[Cromwell]

Hi Teddy007

Hows your sleep doing, I hear you wake up and think of her and it leads to thinking of her more. Just wondering if this can be due to sleep/wake cycle being temporarily affected by the emotional distress maybe also a bit of ongoing anxiety, I recall you were bit apprehensive at seeing them both in the small town you live?


I remember you went away from town for awhile and felt a lot more better?

I recall feeling that way too, what helped a lot to control these thoughts was resting as much as I could - and I found this very difficult, despite feeling energy drained. The other aspect is, I had anxiety about what was still to happen and deal with other day to day life stressors - I wish in hindsight I would have got some medication here, I went through it without and managed, coped but I feel almost certain that if I had have got some anti-anxiety meds the "hell" would not have had that magnitude that it felt so at the time.

Hope some of this experience I went through helps with these difficulties you are going through at the moment. It isnt easy but I see your doing stuff that has helped so far

Cromwell

[SinisterComplex]

Teddy. First...its ok to feel the way you feel. Part of the main reason why you may be having such a hard time letting go is the ego speaking to you internally. The whole I should have known better, I coulda, woulda. shoulda, etc. No, no, and no again. The end of this chapter was already written. You have to feel the way you feel. You have to process the loss. Grieve and let it go. Most importantly, take the time to realize that you have to build your world around you and not someone else. In other words, if you lose someone your world doesn't end. You can let someone be a part of your world, but you exist on your own.

Never lose hope on life. Life is an awesome experience and do not take it for granted. Love life. You only get one and there are no Do-Overs. Instead of placing focus on what you lost try to see what you should be thankful for and the positives that will come from this. There is nothing more valuable than life itself and being alive.

Cheers and keep on keeping on. You will get better. You will get through this.

[WindofChange]

Hi Teddy. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I know it's hard. But believe me. This. Will. Pass. You will get through this and heal from it. You are grieving a loss, the loss of someone you loved intensely, the loss of the hopes and dreams you had of what you thought the relationship would be. I've been there. I've gone through some recycles because of it, because hope is such a difficult thing to let go of in these relationships. We deal with the pain and hurt and disappointment that results from their bad treatment of us...and still we hope that if we love them enough, support them enough, educate ourselves enough on their disorder...whatever the case may be...that in the end things will be okay, we can heal them, fix them, make everything all right. But we can't. It isn't meant for us to do, even though we feel compelled to try.
So yes, you need to finish grieving this loss. And I know it's challenging when she seems to have moved on. You said it makes you feel as if you don't exist, I'm so sorry, I'm sure that is hell. But this is not about something lacking in you. It's her disorder. Yes, it's painful right now, but your life is not over. You can move on and heal from this and have a healthy, supportive, mutually loving relationship in the future. You aren't alone. You have this whole BPD family to listen, and to support you! Hang in there. See a therapist, consider medication, exercise, journal, pray, meditate, whatever helps you. And breathe through it. This will pass.

[itsmeSnap]

Still my mind wonders away to the good times,

For all the not so good things that happened between my ex and me, I am forever grateful that we had those good times.

I hold on to them for what they are, a good time in my life. I accepted that they are in the past, memories I can come back to whenever I feel like it.

Its not wrong to hold on to those, but take them for wht they are; they're not what could be, its the past.

Why is my mind tricking me like this?

Its no trick, we seek connection when we need it most. Stress, loss, all of those make us seek others because our ancestors had it better when we were together than going at it alone, its in our dna.

Recognize what your body is saying: you're in a bad spot, you need others, connection, community, support, and yes, even love.

She's what you know, hold on to and cherish the good times you shared with her, give yourself a chance to open up to others as well.

[Hidden Dragon]

I am also suffering from depression, ruminations etc. etc. I have massive problems in the first half of the day.

I read something interesting elsewere (Medium). It wasnt BPD related, "just" break-up, but it resonates so much. Basically its the same everyone says here, with that extra hint: dont beat yourself for the longing, let it be there, but still DO YOUR THING:

"So go ahead and feel that love for your ex. Let that love just sit and be inside of you, while you keep yourself occupied with putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to move forward and into a life that you always dreamed of and that you deserve. Don’t fight what you feel because fighting saps your strength, and when we are recovering from such pain we need all the strength we can get.
And remind yourself every time you start feeling that pull of love that tempts you to move backward in any sense at all: this love you feel is the same you felt while you were in the relationship, and it didn’t cause you any less pain. In fact, it probably caused you to suffer even more because your love was not returned as it should be. The hard fact is that love doesn’t hide itself within abuse, so any love you’re feeling post-escape is only a reflection of our desperate attempt to keep the illusion of the relationship we left alive.
Accept your feelings for your ex, know that they won’t last forever, and turn your attention toward the one who really needs all the love you can give at this point: Yourself.
And then take that first step in the direction of forward and get on your way to a better life."

[once removed]

i think thats great advice, Hidden Dragon and itsmeSnap

going through all of this...what can anybody say. it just sucks. its the worst. in a lot of ways, its the hardest thing i ever went through.

it does, of course, get better. it just never gets better as fast as any of us want it to.

one thing that really helped me was when i just let myself grieve without judgment. this all sucks so much - why make it harder on ourselves by beating ourselves up for grieving the loss of someone we loved.

[Cromwell]

I am also suffering from depression, ruminations etc. etc. I have massive problems in the first half of the day.

I experienced the same, morning was most difficult. Not the best way to start each day. Any ideas why it gets better for you later on and anything different that might be a factor.
I started to make early morning arrangements that I would be late for if I allowed rumination. I was depressed enough to be a bit ambivelent if a day was lost thinking of her, but not depressed enough to waste other people's time or inconvenience them by cancelling, being late etc.

It is difficult when depressed to find that energy but it is energy sapping to ruminate too. In my case ruminations and depression were linked, when I conquered the depression the ruminations went with it.

 

fighting saps your strength, and when we are recovering from such pain we need all the strength we can get.

I wish I would have heeded this advice. fighting also gives a mood lift to counter depression and it is what understandably made it tempting to do regularly as well, seems to work short term, did not help as a long term solution.

[Hidden Dragon]

I experienced the same, morning was most difficult. Not the best way to start each day. Any ideas why it gets better for you later

It is 'normal' because of the depression itself. Brain is low on neurotransmitters in the morning, the production is low. This is why depressed folks often wake up at 4-5am and can't sleep.
I think that most people can be depressed for a short period of time, but  if it is for 3, 4 or more weeks, and normal things like more rest, gym etc. do not help and mornings are still far worse than the later day, then medication may be needed to start moving on.

[Teddy007]

The charm came a few days ago. And now today as well. And i lost it.. I started to beg her to take me back and wrote her like 30 text, pleeding and begging. And now i feel like OMG, i don´t know how i feel! It´s the worste feeling. I am so FU in my head.

There is no control in me anymore, im writing her to come back to me when she is with the rebound guy! I mean woot is going on!

[SinisterComplex]

Teddy, stop doing this to yourself. You are perpetuating the cycle now. Here is what happened...she got in your head and dumped all of her baggage on you. You are feeling her feelings and not behaving like yourself...this I am pretty confident about.

Nut up man! You can do this. Pull the plug for your own sanity. I and everyone else here can only offer you so much support. At some point you have to be willing to fix yourself and heal yourself.

Ask yourself this...do you want an awesome woman? I am assuming you do. If that is the case, would an awesome woman find your behavior attractive? No. Get rid of this garbage you have inside that is blocking you from letting in better opportunities. This woman is nothing. She showed you her true colors. Let it go man. Want better, expect better, DO BETTER!

Seriously...no more whining man. Pull out the baby powder and slap yourself so you can wake up. I am here to help you and support you, but you have to take the reigns here and lead yourself to salvation my friend.

Cheers!

-SC-

[itsmeSnap]

The charm came a few days ago

What happened?

[Teddy007]

Sinister i know i now man!

The charm happend like this, she wrote from another number she was thinking about me and missed me. Then she called me from the unknown number and i did the mistake of answering and giving her like 5 minutes, she started to complain about the rebound guy and told me she wanted to come over to my place. The pathetic idiot that i am i agreed on this. And she never came, then today she texted me again from the number said she wanted to come back to me but need to feel things out.

And i lost my shait! I started bombing her with all this pleeding and begging her, wrote her like 30 needy messages... And her answer was she is lost and she don´t know and told me it was better for me to move on!

I just blocked that number, have her blocked everywhere else...

But still the feeling and what sinister said is true... This is pathetic and i am losing my head..

[Hidden Dragon]

Teddy.

I had similar situation many years ago. She even came few times/nights to my place, we had sex and after which (same day) she went back to the rebound guy, she was with. She was figuring out all the time. Then she disappeared (for me), I was devastated. 3 or 4 months later she was pregnant with the other guy. The other guy tells everyone that she manipulated him in the child (well, I just used condoms) and for a year or so he was crazy about that the child was maybe mine. They are of course not together since years.

I recommend you a song ;) The Offspring - Self-esteem. This will not help you instantly, but maybe the anger will help you.
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abrn8aVQ76Q

[gizmocasci]

But still the feeling and what sinister said is true... This is pathetic and i am losing my head..

Ted,

You're not pathetic, you're just being a human. That being said it is time you gather all your strength and be done with this girl for good. The universe is handing you it all on a silver platter, saying "when will he learn, maybe now?" "NO!" "How about now?" People are here to guide and support you, but it ultimately all falls on you.

Best of luck moving forward, I know how hard it can be.

R

[Forgiveness]

I had these same questions. And many people ask, why am I still longing for the person who treated me badly, yet I had other breakups with people who treated me well and I don't miss them so much?

If you google "intermittent reinforcement" you will see that the random ups and downs of being with a pwBPD actually create an addiction. So we are all addicts. Going through withdrawal from an ex with BPD is like going through a withdrawal from drugs. You see that the drugs are are not healthy, yet your brain has been rewired to crave them. This is not in spite of the abuse but because of it. Or rather, because of the unpredictability and the instability of the high highs and low lows.

You will recover but it takes time. It's not your fault. It would happen to anyone who was alternately showered with affection and abuse in an unpredictable way.

[SinisterComplex]

Teddy, enough with the negative beat downs on yourself. Hey you are crushing your self-esteem and self-worth here. This ends now! You are not pathetic man. I understand this is hard, but you are better than this. You will come out stronger and better on the other side of this I swear, but you have to want it. Look I will be on repeat until I see progress from you. Embrace the fact that people do care about you. Embrace the fact that you have the power to change. I believe in you and I hope to see you change for the better day by day.

Cheers my friend!

[WindofChange]

Hi Teddy. You are not pathetic! It really is an addiction, and as someone else said re: the intermittent reinforcement, we have been wired to accept this unhealthy treatment and try hard for that intermittent reward, and feel overjoyed when we get it...and then crushed again when it all goes south...and it always goes south. In the moment it's great, but it never lasts. You know that in your head, but your heart and your body still struggle with the craving. The Only solution is No Contact, and blocking that number was smart. If she contacts you again from a different number, do not respond, just block. It will get better with time. Hang in there, don't beat yourself up. Just start over again where you are, and keep going forward.

I am six weeks out from the last breakup, and struggling myself. We were still in contact via text some (some of which was my fault -- drunk texting), and every exchange left me hurting and upset. I finally blocked his number, sent him a goodbye email, and am hoping he leaves me alone. But if he tries to contact me, I won't respond. It isn't worth it.

You deserve  to be healthy and happy, in a committed, loving relationship, and this person can't give you that. You know it in your head. Your heart will catch up. Just hang in there and keep moving forward.