Struggling Lately

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I find myself at a pretty low point at the moment, and am hoping that posting here will help me work through it.

I know part of it is the holidays.  Given the fact that my divorce is still relatively recent, adjusting to the life change is part of the difficulty this time of year.  And the situation in general of trying to recover from my 15-year relationship with uBPDxw just sucks the joy out of the season for me.

It feels like I should be at least a little happier since we recently agreed on a temporary custody order putting D10 with me seven nights a week.  That's mostly to help steer her away from a developing eating disorder (due to all the turmoil in her relationship with uBPDxw), and to help put a bit of space between her and S6 (since their relationship has become really antagonistic...also I think as a result of the dynamic with uBPDxw).  But there will be new complications from the kids being on different schedules--S6 is staying on the 2-2-5-5 schedule--and S6 having more one-on-one time with uBPDxw as a result.  So relief is elusive here.

On top of that, I think my recent birthday is making it worse.  Birthdays were such a big thing with uBPDxw, and I have been reflecting more lately about how whatever happened for my birthday over the years was more about ensuring she got what she wanted for her birthday.  It was so self-motivated and based on keeping the "ledger" balanced, not about what I wanted or what would make me happy.  This has made it hard to feel special in any way, or feel any ability to celebrate "my" day.

Things are just pretty raw right now.  I don't do feelings very well, and the emotions have been a bit overwhelming lately on all fronts.  On top of it all, my T had to cancel our session today due to her twins coming down with the flu.  Totally understandable, but it sent me into a little extra spiral, making me especially frustrated with myself.  I have been struggling with my attachment to her, and this hasn't helped.

mw

[mama-wolf]

I find myself at a pretty low point at the moment, and am hoping that posting here will help me work through it.

I know part of it is the holidays.  Given the fact that my divorce is still relatively recent, adjusting to the life change is part of the difficulty this time of year.  And the situation in general of trying to recover from my 15-year relationship with uBPDxw just sucks the joy out of the season for me.

It feels like I should be at least a little happier since we recently agreed on a temporary custody order putting D10 with me seven nights a week.  That's mostly to help steer her away from a developing eating disorder (due to all the turmoil in her relationship with uBPDxw), and to help put a bit of space between her and S6 (since their relationship has become really antagonistic...also I think as a result of the dynamic with uBPDxw).  But there will be new complications from the kids being on different schedules--S6 is staying on the 2-2-5-5 schedule--and S6 having more one-on-one time with uBPDxw as a result.  So relief is elusive here.

On top of that, I think my recent birthday is making it worse.  Birthdays were such a big thing with uBPDxw, and I have been reflecting more lately about how whatever happened for my birthday over the years was more about ensuring she got what she wanted for her birthday.  It was so self-motivated and based on keeping the "ledger" balanced, not about what I wanted or what would make me happy.  This has made it hard to feel special in any way, or feel any ability to celebrate "my" day.

Things are just pretty raw right now.  I don't do feelings very well, and the emotions have been a bit overwhelming lately on all fronts.  On top of it all, my T had to cancel our session today due to her twins coming down with the flu.  Totally understandable, but it sent me into a little extra spiral, making me especially frustrated with myself.  I have been struggling with my attachment to her, and this hasn't helped.

mw

[Lucky Jim]

I don't do feelings very well, and the emotions have been a bit overwhelming lately on all fronts.

Hey mw, You might find it helpful to get a better handle on your feelings.  Like you, I didn't do feeling well, having grown up in a conservative WASP family where emotions were never discussed.  Yet over the years I've made progress in terms of getting in touch with, and processing, my feelings, with a little help from the BPD wringer.

I use a two step process: first, I acknowledge my feelings as they arise; second, I try to process them in some fashion.  I strive to let my emotions pass through me, like a lightning rod channeling electricity into the ground.  It works for me!

LuckyJim

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi mama-wolf, 

How are you doing today? I wanted to check up on you, one of our family members here. 

The holidays lend an extra special stress to our lives, and when you throw in the dynamics of a difficult relationship on top of that...well let's just say that it's quite the combination.

What are you able to do for self care? I know you have concerns for the kids and I'm so thankful you do, but your own care is important because as you care for yourself, you will have more ability and energy to care for those you love around you. It doesn't have to be a bit block of time, yet it's something you choose to do for you. Any ideas?

Wools

[Rev]

On top of that, I think my recent birthday is making it worse.  Birthdays were such a big thing with uBPDxw, and I have been reflecting more lately about how whatever happened for my birthday over the years was more about ensuring she got what she wanted for her birthday.  It was so self-motivated and based on keeping the "ledger" balanced, not about what I wanted or what would make me happy.  This has made it hard to feel special in any way, or feel any ability to celebrate "my" day.

Things are just pretty raw right now.  I don't do feelings very well, and the emotions have been a bit overwhelming lately on all fronts.  I have been struggling with my attachment to her, and this hasn't helped.

mw

Hi MW

So good of you to reach out. This can be such a great place to work things out like you say. I so relate to the things you have written here - especially what I have excerpted.

My attachment still continues and I must say most days I am not sure to what exactly. So many people tell me that one day it will just end - I suppose that as one thing I am finding helpful is to redeem certain things - like birthdays.  Mine were just like what you describe here.

I haven't had mine yet but there are other things that I have done with others that I used to do with my ex and where with CBT I am associating new memories with old habits.

I am so sorry for your pain. BPD is the most confusing of things to deal with and live with. So much dissonance and incongruence - literally turns you upside down by times doesn't it?

I hope you find some solid footing soon.

Hugs

Rev

[zachira]

I am sorry you are feeling low right now. It could be that you perhaps ignored a lot of feelings when you were in your 15 year relationship and now you are not in the relationship so it is safe to feel those feelings that were underground for so long. I have enormous respect for what you have done to get a better custody arrangement for your children, though you must be exhaused from all the turmoil that caused. Keep posting here and we will listen as you unravel the feelings and thoughts that are making you feel under the weather. Hopefully, you will soon start to feel better.

[Rev]

I am sorry you are feeling low right now. It could be that you perhaps ignored a lot of feelings when you were in your 15 year relationship and now you are not in the relationship so it is safe to feel those feelings that were underground for so long.

That makes all the sense in the world.

[mama-wolf]

Hey mw, You might find it helpful to get a better handle on your feelings. 

I definitely agree that this would be helpful, LJ,and thank you for the note...  The problem is that this is pretty much at the core of my work with my T.  I have trouble identifying the emotions, much less actually allowing myself to acknowledge where they're coming from in order to process them (aside from the more immediate, surface-level sources).  I think I still have a long way to go here, and when my T has to cancel a session as she did this week--for a very understandable reason--that just makes it harder.

How are you doing today? I wanted to check up on you, one of our family members here. 

What are you able to do for self care?

Thank you, Wools!  It has been very difficult to do more than the most basic self care.  I haven't really had the energy to do anything like go for a walk and get out in nature (something I know has been helpful before).  A few times over the past couple of weeks, I just went back to bed for an hour or two in the middle of the day.  I would try to take a nap but wasn't really able to do much more than doze lightly.  At least it was quiet and I was resting somewhat.

I did go for a massage last Friday, which I try to schedule on a semi-regular basis anyway because I know the physical benefits.  Plus, if I schedule it I know I'll go, and it makes me stop to take a break.  This time it just felt so-so, but I know that has more to do with how I'm currently feeling and is not because the massage itself was bad.

I suppose that as one thing I am finding helpful is to redeem certain things - like birthdays.  Mine were just like what you describe here.

I haven't had mine yet but there are other things that I have done with others that I used to do with my ex and where with CBT I am associating new memories with old habits.

Thank you for pointing this approach out, Rev.  I have actually done this sort of thing in other, smaller ways, but not as a conscious effort to associate new memories/reclaim them for myself.  Like intentionally going to restaurants that we may have frequented because the food is good and I shouldn't have to miss out on it, or watching TV shows that I know I still like even though we watched them together.  I will try to make it a more conscious practice.

I am sorry you are feeling low right now. It could be that you perhaps ignored a lot of feelings when you were in your 15 year relationship and now you are not in the relationship so it is safe to feel those feelings that were underground for so long.

You are probably right, zachira...and I feel woefully unequipped to handle those feelings at this point.  This community really does help, though, and I'm very grateful for the replies.

Today we see the family therapist, who will help explain the change in schedule to the kids.  I think this will provide me some relief as well since I will no longer be holding the "secret" of the pending change.  Watching D10 suffer each time the prospect of heading back over to uBPDxw's house comes around, but not being able to say anything yet...that has been particularly draining--especially ever since we started getting close to agreeing on a change.

And each day I get closer to Monday, so I can have my next scheduled session with my T and try to release/process all the rest of this.

mw

[Woolspinner2000]

Good to hear from you!  Thanks for the update.

Have you ever heard of a feeling wheel? It really helped me a lot. There are some pretty cool ones out there, and the first time my T introduced me to one a few years ago, I had no idea what I was feeling. I still pull my wheel out to help me identify things that I cannot figure out. When I am able to identify my feelings, it even helps my headaches to go away. I certainly get the difficulty of figuring out that we're feeling and then what those feelings are! You can find them online.

 
Wools

[mama-wolf]

Have you ever heard of a feeling wheel?

Yes, the feeling wheel was recommended to me a while ago, and I have looked at various versions.  It's not really the direction my T has taken me yet, so I haven't really done too much with it on my own, but I do occasionally look at it.  So much of each week has been managing the latest crisis/encounter with uBPDxw (especially as it relates to her impact on the kids)...it has been extremely difficult to make much progress on actual healing.  Now that the new schedule is effective, I think my T is likely to start moving into some real work on that front.

mw

[mama-wolf]

I got to see my T yesterday, and it helped.  I was in such a low place, feeling so miserable.  I'm not completely out of that hole, but being able to finally talk through some of the past two weeks with her definitely lessened the pain.

I didn't like that she basically said I'm depressed.  Not to the point of a chemical imbalance in the brain requiring medication, but definitely going through some really hard things that are obviously taking their toll on me.  I know it's her job to do so, but it shocked me a little that she had to ask if I have had any "bad thoughts" (i.e. thoughts about hurting myself).  I was at least glad I could say no to that.

Also didn't like her referring to uBPDxw as my abuser again.  She knows I still have a lot of trouble with accepting that openly, and acknowledged I wouldn't like it before she even went there, but she felt it necessary to remind me why having contact with uBPDxw--and having to "play ball" with her when it comes to co-parenting--affects me so much.

The past six weeks since filing for a change in custody have really been Hell...especially these last two weeks following our coming to an agreement on the temporary schedule.  Probably because now that things are somewhat settled, I have to engage with uBPDxw more again (rather than going through our Ls).  But my T has encouraged me to focus on getting to the next "window" in all of this where I'll get just a little relief...be able to come up for a little air...before uBDPxw's next antics kick up.

My focus right now is getting D10 settled into this new schedule and getting through the holidays.  The good news is that she is already showing improvement with her eating...fewer "I'm not hungry" responses, less general argument when I remind her she needs food and balanced nutrition for energy, and she actually ate some protein at several meals over the weekend in spite of recent talk about becoming a vegetarian (which is more of a disordered eating justification for restricting certain food groups).  Six weeks of Hell--or more--for that improvement = totally worth it!

mw

[Rev]

I didn't like that she basically said I'm depressed.  Not to the point of a chemical imbalance in the brain requiring medication, but definitely going through some really hard things that are obviously taking their toll on me.  I know it's her job to do so, but it shocked me a little that she had to ask if I have had any "bad thoughts" (i.e. thoughts about hurting myself).  I was at least glad I could say no to that.

Also didn't like her referring to uBPDxw as my abuser again.  She knows I still have a lot of trouble with accepting that openly, and acknowledged I wouldn't like it before she even went there, but she felt it necessary to remind me why having contact with uBPDxw--and having to "play ball" with her when it comes to co-parenting--affects me so much.

mw

Hi MW

Good for you for reaching out like this... My GAWD I've done so much therapy in my life  that I know that it is not always fun.  Sometimes you need therapy to get through the therapy (LOLOLOL) but there it is right?

And it really is shocking to hear those words - "depressed" and "abuser" - when I heard the word "depressed" several years ago - I said to myself - well there you go - you're a statistic. Of course, that's not true - I'm a person - and at the time, I was very, very sad at a break-up with a woman who I loved dearly and with whom it was clear that it was not going to work out between us for some very pragmatic reasons - I'm still in contact with her oldest son and we chat from time to time.  She and I left on good terms in the end.

With my BDP ex - it took me years to face the abuse and this message board to become comfortable to even really talk about it in those terms. It will be serveral months more before I can speak about it. I wish that one of my T's had twigged in earlier - probing deeper to ask me why I was afraid of her.  I perhaps would not have stayed at that point. We were about 18 months into our relationship and I was contemplating a move to be with her full time - and I was the one "who needed to work on myself" to make that  possible... and now I'm rambling... sorry.

MW - don't underestimate how depressed pwBPD can make us feel. Their whole m/o is projection. This does not make them evil, it makes them unwell. And when we love them, we catch their flu...   it's inevitable... and then, they have a way of making sure we own it...     Big, big hugs to you ... you are doing wonderfully well in rising.

If your daughter is eating better, that is a sure sign, that she is happier.  Children would rather - as the saying goes - grow up in a broken home than a home that is broken.   You will heal, and you will rise and you will shine...


Blessings.

Rev

[mama-wolf]

MW - don't underestimate how depressed pwBPD can make us feel. Their whole m/o is projection. This does not make them evil, it makes them unwell. And when we love them, we catch their flu...   it's inevitable... and then, they have a way of making sure we own it...     Big, big hugs to you ... you are doing wonderfully well in rising.

If your daughter is eating better, that is a sure sign, that she is happier.  Children would rather - as the saying goes - grow up in a broken home than a home that is broken.   You will heal, and you will rise and you will shine...

Thank you so much, Rev.  I think I struggle just as much with the fact that I have never had trouble with this sort of thing before...never had to deal with feeling this way even though there are things in my life that warranted it.  I know that part of that is me having avoided those feelings for a long, long time and now that I'm in therapy I'm actually working through all of it at once.  But it definitely sucks.

We have family therapy tonight.  I have asked the family T to minimize any interaction I have to have with uBPDxw.  As far as I'm concerned, there is plenty for her to spend time on with checking on how each of the kids is doing with the change, etc.  It's too soon to dive into "let's-get-the-coparents-talking-more"...and I sure as hell don't have any capacity to listen to more of what uBPDxw considers to be mistakes and missteps on my part.

mw

[Rev]

Thank you so much, Rev.  I think I struggle just as much with the fact that I have never had trouble with this sort of thing before...never had to deal with feeling this way even though there are things in my life that warranted it.  I know that part of that is me having avoided those feelings for a long, long time and now that I'm in therapy I'm actually working through all of it at once.  But it definitely sucks.

We have family therapy tonight.  I have asked the family T to minimize any interaction I have to have with uBPDxw.  As far as I'm concerned, there is plenty for her to spend time on with checking on how each of the kids is doing with the change, etc.  It's too soon to dive into "let's-get-the-coparents-talking-more"...and I sure as hell don't have any capacity to listen to more of what uBPDxw considers to be mistakes and missteps on my part.

mw

Sending you positive thoughts tonight in T - or if you are a person of faith - sending you prayers.

Either way - shine in the beauty of light.

Rev