Hi there and welcome,
I can really understand your conflict. Have you checked out the stuff about FOG (the idea that people stay in bad relationships because of Fear, Obligation and Guilt)?
Try
www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html which has loads of very useful stuff on it.
Personally, I have just divorced my husband of 15 years who has Asperger Syndrome rather than BPD, but the disorders have some commonalities. I stayed due to religious obligation and fear. I went from that relationship into one with a man with BPD and experienced massive guilt when I considered leaving him, after all, hadn't I said I truly loved him?
I must say, that I don't think the prognosis is good, though clearly some couples on this site have created success stories. In my case, despite my BPDxbf having 6 months DBT and 2 years Schema Therapy under his belt, he is still verbally abusive and we have been recycling every 2 weeks since the middle of March. We have now split up 6 times over tiny things that are massive to him and have had at least one major argument between splits. His self reflection may have improved a bit, but it is still ME with the anger problem, as far as he is concerned.
As far as my husband is concerned, I stopped loving him years ago due to what I felt was just plain cruelty on his part. 3 years ago, we discovered it was AS and suddenly his 'cruel' behaviour made sense. It hasn't meant he's any more able to meet my needs though. My concern for you is this: If the love is no longer there, what is going to get you through the challenging times to come?
My own experience has been that I have learnt a lot from recycling with my BPDxbf, but that learning has made me more able to leave rather than stay.
Good luck, whatever you decide. Ultimately, all other people can do is gossip if they don't like your decision and it isn't them who has to live with your situation. Have the courage to do something good for YOU.
Love Lifewriter
