Lost those lovin' feelings

[Frankee]

I stand here today with a problem that I don't know if I can fix.  I think in the past few weeks, any remaining love for my bph has been lost.  I think I have really fallin out of love with him.  I guess I could tell myself that if I keep saying In love him, maybe I won't have these depressing feelings.  I am starting to wonder if I may even be slightly depressed (in a high functioning way).  I feel tired.. a lot.

I also feel like this relationship has become more work than I have the energy to put into.  He is so needy now, in a very off putting way.  He is stuck on the whole man/woman roles, which is annoying.  I also see that I am capable of being the man and woman and leaves me wondering what he is good for. He got upset I was making him feel like a woman.

He got really upset that every aspect of me is changing.  How I treat him, how I talk to him, how I seem to have no empathy or care about him, how I don't show him I love him anymore.  He doesn't understand what is going on and he is worried I will change into somebody he doesn't want to be with.  He wants me to be the wife that he married, shows him that I care.  Even when he was telling me this, I was just sitting there.  I felt no pull to comfort him, tell him it would be all right.  My feelings have become so hollow towards him, that he feels more like a stranger.  Someone I am living with and have kids with.

I think it may be too late.  I think he may have gotten better too late.  I really think the incident a month ago sealed his fate.  I think in that bar parking lot, my love for him was left on the sidewalk and I have just been going through the motions.

[Frankee]

I found a link to a discussion on the forum.  I read it and realized that I use to be this person, the "rock", but I don't think I am able to play this role anymore.  I think all the unprocessed emotions from his physical/emotional abuse has come back with a vengeance.  The things he did to me are not okay.  The things he did would had made anyone leave.  I am starting to believe I may need some sort of anti-anxiety or anti-depressive medication.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Skip]

It might help to look at the bigger picture... how has your thinking evolved in the last 20 months?

Feeling like I'm at my wits end and about to give up
My SO is having a really hard time lately
All out fight
Another screw up
I wish that he would say It's okay baby
How Do I Stop the Arguments?
Sigh.. back again..
Should I confront the mother who abandonded him
Seriously done
Uncaring of imminent infidelity
Simple Reminder
Something different
Tired that accused
Blew up in my face
Need input
Joker
Can we say..  What in the hell?
Nice surprise
Wondering when the next fall out will be
Need to keep my mouth shut
Trying to be aware and break the cycles
Cold chill
May have gone a little overboard
Walking down an extremely hard road...
Look of destruction
Maxed out to the limit
My success story
Tired and confused
He doesn't know what's coming
We fight over everything
I am struggling with our oldest child.  He's been acting defiant
Fighting, fighting, and more fighting
His rants are on very strong beliefs and making them very clear.
He keeps texts from women to feed his narcissism
Issues sound familiar.  We just had a fight.
Online abuse crisis help
Is this his way of seeing if I will make an effort
He said I was worthless, replaceable, garbage, an habitual liar—I feel angry
6 month update: still uncertainty but hoping to get to higher ground
Not a morning person:  BPDH has issues when he wakes up
He's fighting counseling
He got drunk yesterday
Feeling broken.. Hurt.. Furious.. Ugly fight.
It doesn't matter: It's not true, but those are my feelings about what he says
Giving myself a deadline
Is it possible to become like my pwBPD?
You are loved
Starting to really question where I stand
Update on improvements
Trying again
Update to relapse
Christmas haunting
A breakdown that hit my heart
Are you a mind reader either?
He does, but I don't want more kids
Bph had severe relapse saying some harsh things
He got physical last night
He got physical last night - Part 2
He got physical last night - Part 3
Counseling, Panic Attack, and Surgery
Smiling depression
Third time. I'mleaving him. We had another physical fight.
Third time. I'm leaving him. We had another physical fight. Part 2
Should I work on the relationship? I will never really forgive him for the past.
Lost those lovin' feelings

[Frankee]

Looking at these title to my posts makes me feel sad.  I read the post that said Giving myself a deadline.

I think I am going to give myself a deadline.  I am think for January or May of next year.  That time I am going to do a serious reevaluation of my marriage.
Counseling is helping, but I am really wondering if this will ever be okay.

Scary how almost accurate that prediction was.  I honestly forgot about the deadline.  I gave myself until May at latest.

The post titled
He said I was worthless, replaceable, garbage, an habitual liar—I feel angry

I have a lot of unworked through emotions and I know anger and sarcasm are sitting right there, waiting their turns.  Here's to the hope that my counseling helps.

Another scary accurate prediction.  I know myself better than I think.  Anger and sarcasm have been perched on either shoulder recently.

I reread my post from the night at Mardi Gras.
Third time. I'm leaving him. We had another physical fight.
I think I knew then.  In my head, I think I accept that I was done, but my heart was still holding on.  I think that now, my heart has sighed and walked away.

Even now, I have no urge to message him, apologize for this morning, talk to him about last night, how he feels I have changed towards him, I feel no desire to tell him it's not true.  It's not because I am trying to prove something or get the upper hand.  I sincerely think that I am completely tapped out.

[Cat Familiar]

Love dies sometimes. That's just a reality.

And when you've been chronically treated in an unkind way over many years, it makes sense that you no longer have loving feelings for him.

You cannot make yourself love him if you don't. The question is what is your next step?

[AskingWhy]

I have to agreed with Cat here.  I had said before on the boards that my love for my uBPD H is dying by degrees.  One day, I will wake up and realise I no longer love him, that I really don't care what happens to him and all of his adult children (and their children), and either leave the marriage physically or emotionally.

I have done the latter.  I don't care about H too much.  I don't care about his children either, and all of their lives made from treating other people poorly and poor life decisions.  One D is surely in the BPD spectrum, while the other is cruel to her loving, trusting, naive H.  The son is essentially homeless, and comes to his father when he needs bail money for public intoxication (alcohols and drugs) or medical bills.

If a misfortune or illness befalls any of them, I declare, "Oh, what a shame," or, "Oh, how sad."  I no longer help our or offer advice.

It makes my skin crawl to listen to H talk in a whiny, sappy voice to his children on the phone.  There is usually a "hint" for something for them or the grandchildren, and then H flies off to his computer or logs into his phone to buy it for them:  cell phones, video games, a tropical vacation, new clothes, etc.

I have been treated so callously by H over the 20 years of marriage (and he has condoned his children's ill treatment of me) that I am close to numb.  When H dysregulates and screams he wants to divorce me (common when he becomes unglued over something), my attitude is, "Whatever you'd like."

His lack of impressive anniversary jewellery was the turning point.  That was the one thing that would have restored my hope in the marriage.  One lavish, extravagant, out of the blue gift.  And he did not do it.  (He gave $1000 to one D for spending money when she went off on a Caribbean holiday with her coworkers.)  I understand with NPDs, if an NPD knows you want something, it's a sure thing you will not get that as a gift.  It's the NPDs way of being cruel.

After being so hurt and disappoint so many times, over and over, I am close to not caring any more.

[Frankee]

I know how you feel AskingWhy.  I definitely do not feel the love for him that I once did. 

Cat, I decided to ask myself.. what's next?  I try to be cordial with him, give him hugs, touch him occasionally.  Mostly because I am trying to keep things from getting to a point where he feels like I hate him and he comes unglued again.  His mannerism is very temperamental right now.  I am so close to finishing my first semester of classes.  I am so close to bringing up my Human Anatomy grade.  I am so close that I cannot lose it now.  I did better on my last exam and it brought my grade up.  It gives me hope.  It shows me if I really buckle down, I can make it.

I have another stressor added.  My current job is going through budget cuts.  I lost 10 hours this week.  I applied at the hospital nearby for an Animal Technician.  It might be a shot in the dark and never happen, but I revised my resume to fit better into the description and took time to create a cover letter.  I feel bad for applying because my current employer gave me a second chance to come back to work and I feel guilty for thinking about leaving so soon.  The plus side is that I can go to the job under my own job conditions, if they ever want to interview me.

I have worked so hard to be where I am today.  I know for a short while I kind of lost myself and was consumed by anger.  Unlike him, I have already gone into resolution mode.  My relationship with him isn't important to me anymore.  Trying to work it out and make things better with him isn't a priority anymore.  I am going to be nice to him and try to not be angry or cold towards him. 

What is important to me is finishing this last stretch of classes and making sure I do not lose my financial aid.  If I can make it through the end of classes, I will be in a better position all around to focus on my personal life changes.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee,

My MIL told my stbx (speaking of my relationship with him and how I gave and gave and gave until I had nothing left) that sometimes when you draw water out of a well repeatedly, it eventually runs dry. Perhaps that's where you find yourself now, and I totally relate to that. o
When you have no replacement for the stores of emotional energy you put into someone, eventually you exhaust everything you have to give. And when you don't see any good coming from what you have been exhausting yourself to do, it makes it even harder to find the energy and motivation to continue.

I don't remember where I saw this (was it a book? article? post here? I don't know) but I remember reading that the emotional hunger of BPD is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it. You can run yourself ragged trying to fill the bucket, but everything you pour in just runs right out and the person keeps telling you they need more. If the "hole" doesn't get "plugged" you find yourself trapped in an endless cycle of filling the bucket only to have it drain out again. I definitely related to that description.

I can see why you don't have your relationship at the top of your priority list. You are getting nothing out of it. It exists solely for his benefit, and that is not a mutual, supportive, intimate relationship between two people.

Plus, if you're anything like me...I just got sick of all the drama and the endless reasons for why his feelings were hurt or he was angry or he wasn't getting what he wanted from me. He was never satisfied with anything (his old boss actually saw this in him too) and our lives were just an endless stream of his complaints about this, that, or the other. What made that even worse is that he got angry over all these little complaints and imagined slights and took it out on me in the form of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. I just couldn't take it anymore, and I really just did not have the energy to care anymore about trying to fix anything. It never stayed fixed anyway. It was like the whack a mole game- smack one mole down and another one pops up somewhere else.

[Frankee]

When you have no replacement for the stores of emotional energy you put into someone, eventually you exhaust everything you have to give. And when you don't see any good coming from what you have been exhausting yourself to do, it makes it even harder to find the energy and motivation to continue.

I can see why you don't have your relationship at the top of your priority list. You are getting nothing out of it. It exists solely for his benefit, and that is not a mutual, supportive, intimate relationship between two people.

Plus, if you're anything like me...I just got sick of all the drama and the endless reasons for why his feelings were hurt or he was angry or he wasn't getting what he wanted from me.

I just couldn't take it anymore, and I really just did not have the energy to care anymore about trying to fix anything. It never stayed fixed anyway. It was like the whack a mole game- smack one mole down and another one pops up somewhere else.

I find myself in this spot.  Things are better than before, but I definitely feel tapped out of resources.  I find the way I feel about him is that I care about him.  He's gotten better with the kids.  He's gotten better with how he behaves towards me.  However... I find that even the slightest upset he has about anything, I just literally have zero tolerance, patience, compassion, empathy.  I guess I'm not being sensitive to his complaints.  He recently said "you can never react the way I want you to".  

Normally I would be on here, trying to resolve the issues.  Reading the articles, working on not JADE, trying to be empathetic.  Trying to be self aware of what I say.  I just don't feel I have it in me anymore.  I know I have said I am done before, but these feelings I have is something completely new.  I know I would miss him, I know that the kids not being around him all the time would hurt them, I don't mind his company when he isn't spouting off.  I find that most of the time I am not even aware that I haven't told him I love him or shown him affection that day.

I know he wants me to be like how I was, affectionate, attentive, compassionate, understanding.  He gets upset that I get an attitude every time he gets upset about something.  I don't realize I am until he says something.  Even after he says something, I still feel like I'm not doing anything really that wrong.  I know the person he is requesting me to be, is still who I am.  Towards him, I feel like he has sucked the last reserve I was holding onto.

I don't want another relationship.  I don't want to start over with anyone.  I also know that I don't feel the same about him anymore, but we have kids together that adore him now that he's getting better.  He's been working hard on the boat we are currently living on and doing a good job.  I still find myself lacking excitment or interest in anything he is doing.  I am trying to reschedule my appointment with my counselor.  She wants to do a anxiety and depression test.  Parts of me wonder if maybe I do have slight depression.  Even spending time with the boys doesn't make me happy as much as it use to.  

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you are depressed and with all you’ve experienced in the last few years, it’s likely that anyone would feel the same way.

Long term relationships can and do go though loss of loving feelings, but things change with time and it’s possible that you might feel loving toward him in the future, seeing that he’s making some positive changes. Or you might not.

I understand the burnout. And even though my current husband is a good guy and never did a tenth of the unconscionable behavior that my first BPD husband did to me, I still burned out due to his excessive use of alcohol and BPD wackiness.

I say wackiness because it never got to the level of abuse, like you and I have experienced, but it still became intolerable to me and I totally lost patience with him.

Now things are on a good level, thanks to learning the tools and not expecting that the honeymoon phase would return. However I’m still feeling a bit distant, but that kinda works, because he doesn’t feel enmeshed and I stay on the “pull” end of the push/pull cycle.

It’s possible to make a new relationship, but unlikely to return to the one you previously had.

[Frankee]

Journal entry.

My bph isn't making a good case for himself.  I missed his calls today.  I am at home alone, finally.  I was in the bathroom and the phone was on the sofa.  I didn't hear it.

This is his accusations:
I am acting all high and mighty

Nobody else is allowed to have any feelings.

I always get an attitude when he is upset.

He is starting to wonder if I did something that night with my gf and somebody else (the night he chocked me in the parking lot).   He doesn't believe nothing didn't happen that night. 

I need to stop acting weird with my phone.  I deactivated FB because I didn't want distractions.  He thinks I don't want to run into someone that knows what happened.  When I don't answer my phone, but call back shortly after, it leads him to be suspicious that I didn't answer so I could step out of the room.  He said it seems like I did something wrong and now trying to hide it. 

Sorry for the entry format.  I wanted to get it out the main points.  Basically he feels I am sneaking around behind his back.  Honestly that would be way to much work.  His insecurities are really making him look pathetic.  He really can't seem to grasp the reality that I would want to leave him to be alone.

[Cat Familiar]

I think some of what you've written is classic BPD. I've heard some of the same words from my current husband:

"You're on your high horse" which made me laugh inside since my horses are rather short at 15 hands. Where's my 17 hand warmblood?

"I'm not allowed to have any feelings" which also perplexed me because it seems he's all about feelings all the time and who is not allowing him to have them? (That would be a nice trick if I could stop him from having feelings.   )

Fortunately I don't get much of the suspicious comments, though I have experienced them in the past.

I haven't heard any of the above in quite a long time, since I've been using the tools and actively disengaging when I see the very beginnings of a dysregulation. We've gotten along well, though I cannot say we've communicated on a very intimate level, since he's not capable of that if there's any chance that the conversation veers toward any topic where he feels at fault, or vulnerable due to poor decisions.

Though we haven't had any conflict, that's not to say that he hasn't had bad moods. He has and they can be rather unpleasant to be around, given that he has a hair trigger for feeling insulted or disregarded, even by innocuous statements on my part. So when I notice that he's going into one of his "moods" I make myself scarce with needing to do something which keeps me out of his way until he recovers and is more emotionally flexible. In the meantime, I'm pleasant and upbeat and busy.

That isn't much help when he's calling, but what you can do is to be friendly and upbeat and ignore the BPD-ishness. I don't think it helps to address it because then they just go deeper into it.

[AskingWhy]

I think the best way to describe the male BPD is in the book by Randi Kreger, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder."  In many ways, it's better than her, "Eggshells."

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-essential-family-guide-to-borderline-personality-disorder/

She describes the male BPD as filled with terror and having to stare in a mirror at a "nobody."  (BPDs have problems with identity.)  This nobody fears abandonment.  She describes my H perfectly.  Male BPDs, unlike most women, tend to act out with violence.

My H's first marriage was the classic NPD/BPD marriage.  His uNPD W had an affair and left him after 10 years of marriage to marry her lover, taking the children, all under the age of 5.  (The lover had a wife, and left her to marry, abandoning his children.)  I married H when the children were still quite young, and the X W constantly tormented H over visitation, mocking him for wanting to see his children.  The children, of course, seeing how they were overvalued by their father, learned to manipulate their father for whatever they wanted, and in adulthood continue to do so.  (All of the children are in some spectrum of BPD or NPD.)

Although I don't in any way condone abuse of any kind, it too me more than 10 years to see that inside of the polished professional, my H is really a frightened child.  He had a uNPD F and an enabler mother.  Knowing this, I can use it to my advantage if H dysregulates, and in the last few years, the dysregulations calm down.  Boundaries are the key, IMO, to controlling (bad work, I know) a raging BPD.  For instance, if H calls me a name, I reply calmly, "Ok, I guess I am.   Whatever you say."  (I am owning what he is calling me and depriving the insult of its power.)  If H says he hates me and wants a divorce, I calmly say, "It's your right.  We live in a no-fault state. Do what you have to do."  

H really wanted to see me grovel and cry, and in the past, I did.  (I guess he derived power over seeing someone else terrified as much as he was.)  Goodness me, did I cry!  But I resolved that no man would ever have that power over me again after one horrific day and night of crying so much that I became physically ill.

Journaling is an ideal way to see a chronology over the year of where you and your R/S have been, and how you have changed.

 

[Leah66]

I agree, my situation is similar. I am tired of all the criticism and it is wearing me down. I feel depressed and frustrated. I am sarcastic and angry which is not me normally.
My biggest problem is my husband's driving. Sometimes it is ok but others he is truly reckless. When he smokes marijuana for which he is addicted (almost all the time) it seems worse. He is either distracted, impatient or exercises poor judgement. He is 64. I too am falling out of love.

[Frankee]

I agree, my situation is similar. I am tired of all the criticism and it is wearing me down. I feel depressed and frustrated. I am sarcastic and angry which is not me normally.
My biggest problem is my husband's driving. Sometimes it is ok but others he is truly reckless. When he smokes marijuana for which he is addicted (almost all the time) it seems worse. He is either distracted, impatient or exercises poor judgement. He is 64. I too am falling out of love.

I am sorry to hear that Leah.  I find that I have been overly sarcastic and angry recently too.  It seems we all reach a point where we've had enough.  I find that any small infraction my bph does recently leaves me with overwhelming resentment and anger towards him.  He took a jab at me in front of the kids and just the other day was saying we need to be a "United front" with the kids... boy did that turn off quickly.

I really thought my bph was the one, but the way I feel towards him ends always in a sour note.  We seem Okay for a little, but it never lasts.  I am so emotionally tapped out that I feel I have nothing left to give the relationship.  Which angers and makes him frustrated because he is so intent on making it work.  I just feel I really have nothing left to give.  I feel I am holding on until I can become more financially independent.  It is said because I know part of me loves him, but it is harder each day to find reasons to stay.