Ex always said he could not be alone.

[laelle]

My exbf was always really adamant that I understood that he could not be alone.  We had a mostly long distance relationship where he lived an apartment that

we were suppose to have been working on sharing together.  I would say... . well im alone too.  Thinking he meant without me.  Thats not what he meant.

What would you say is the reason why someone with BPD finds it difficult to be alone?  In the days since our break up, I spent alot of time

by myself trying to figure this out.  It does suck sometimes not having anyone to talk to, but its not a panic situation for me.  At night would be a little different for me

as I am a bit afraid of night monsters. (yeah, im working on that one  

Anyway, just wondered what everyone thought about that.

[jollygreen]

From what I've discovered after my breakup, people with BPD have identity issues that began from early childhood. They have core trauma and under-developed emotional skills. Also they have very low self esteem. They need to mirror themselves off of another individual to create an artificial sense of identity. When they are alone they are an empty shell searching for a purpose and someone to lift them up out of their hole to make them feel better about themselves.  Add in fear of abandonment into the mix and they think everyone is always going to leave. They someone around for that reassure of self worth. But get to close and they push you away.

[jollygreen]

Oh and my ex would always say she was afraid to be alone too. I coundnt believe it because I loved being alone to do my own things. It makes sense now. It's funny though because at the end she said I was crowding her and she needed her space and independence. Oh the BPD confusion?

[ComoLu]

In the 1st few years of our relationship, my uxBPDH would actually become physically ill if he were away from me more than a day or two.  Many years later when he took a job in another state and only came home 1 week a month, he had trouble sleeping and started obsessing.  Apparently he was trying to ease his guilt by finding reasons to make all of his bad decisions my fault.  After awhile, he started drinking heavily to cope and to sleep.  The end result... . he looted our joint bank account without my knowledge and started living with another woman.  Then he stopped coming home.  When I finally told him that since he couldn't come home (work was always his excuse), I would go to see him, he screamed at me that he wanted a divorce.  I don't know if he is with anyone now, but he is still drinking, and still very disturbed.  

[Octoberfest]

To add to what Jolly already said-

I actually talked with my BPDex about this.  Interestingly enough, her therapist challenged her to spend an hour a day alone.  My BPDex HATED it.  I asked why once... . she told me that, "it gives me too much time to think."  

I've read a lot today/tonight on here about people doubting all of the horrible things that many of their BPDex's have claimed to have in their pasts... . My BPDex was no different... . She has been involved romantically in all the wrong ways with all of the wrong people who have sexually and physically abused her.  When I heard all she had been through it was mind boggling to me that someone could go through all of it and still find the will to wake up and get out of bed each day.  Just like I have said my BPDex is running from her problems by continuously dating someone new, she runs from her problems by being around other people.  She has to distract herself to stay sane... .

For me at least it makes me see pwBPD in a different light looking at this perspective. It gives real legitimacy to the thought that they are just trying to "survive".  I don't know how I would cope if I had to face the demons that my BPDex has every day.  Probably with lots of alcohol, drugs, sex, and by latching onto anyone who saw worth in me.

I am getting a little emotional writing about this and thinking about it... . It ties into why I tried so hard for so long with her.  I saw how much she had been hurt and wanted to be the one to give her something better and make her smile.  Thats all.

[laelle]

Oh and my ex would always say she was afraid to be alone too. I coundnt believe it because I loved being alone to do my own things. It makes sense now. It's funny though because at the end she said I was crowding her and she needed her space and independence. Oh the BPD confusion?

I completely get what your saying here... .

My ex "needed" me when he wasnt working.  I would stay on skype with him when he wasnt working.  We were pretty much together all the time.  I did not "need" this, but he made it our normal every day routine.  I accepted it and it even gave me comfort.  Then one day he would flip and called me a "stalker"  that he was with me all the time, he never had any space, that I needed to do more things on my own... .

OK, I thought this was ME!  So here I go trying to be better... . gave him his space, would never ask to skype, he had too.  I took his advice and started reading books... .

and finding things to do with myself.   Then I get the email... . "Something is wrong, we are not as close as we use to be?" Why are you treating me like this?

I pulled my hair out many times on that one.  It would usually end in me apologizing for HIS not taking the time and space available to him.

[laelle]

In the 1st few years of our relationship, my uxBPDH would actually become physically ill if he were away from me more than a day or two.  Many years later when he took a job in another state and only came home 1 week a month, he had trouble sleeping and started obsessing.  Apparently he was trying to ease his guilt by finding reasons to make all of his bad decisions my fault.  After awhile, he started drinking heavily to cope and to sleep.  The end result... . he looted our joint bank account without my knowledge and started living with another woman.  Then he stopped coming home.  When I finally told him that since he couldn't come home (work was always his excuse), I would go to see him, he screamed at me that he wanted a divorce.  I don't know if he is with anyone now, but he is still drinking, and still very disturbed.  

This sounds rough!  I am so sorry that this has happened to you.  It does sounds like his being alone could have played a part in his unstable relationships and risky behavior.

How are you coping after all of that?  That must have been terribly invalidating for you.

[laelle]

I actually talked with my BPDex about this.  Interestingly enough, her therapist challenged her to spend an hour a day alone.  My BPDex HATED it.  I asked why once... . she told me that, "it gives me too much time to think".  

This sounds like something my ex would say... .   He was thinking ALL OF THE TIME.  I rarely ever saw him completely relaxed.  When I would suggest how we could handle

something he would say "I"m already way ahead of you there"  I know its painful for me when I try to sleep... . to not be able to shut the thinking down.

Is that what is it like all day every day for them?  I'm really sorry my post brought up some rough memories for you.  Even tho I sound angry at my ex a alot of the time,

I still very much love and care for him.  I just have to think of me first because thinking of him first nearly destroyed me.

We needed stability, and he and I could not give it to each other.  I have to go and find that on my own.  No one can give that to me.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all.

Interesting topic, and one we all have experiences with... .

My ExBP was always telling me he was alone from the time he began seeing me, after our initial friendship for a few months. During those first few months of friendship, he was couch surfing at my house, (inbetween jobs and somewhere to live). I found it strange that he seemed to want to spend so much time with me, (in fact taking up all my spare time between my split shifts). I figured he had friends of his own, (male friends for example), but he did not appear to.

The only friends he seemed to have around him, were one lady he said he had had a casual thing with, (but they had apparently only been 'friends' for over six months, on account of BP not being interested, and her having another guy hanging around anyway. His other female friends he said he was estranged from, because he didn't like the way they lived, (he insists these females were only friends, no romance, but I am not so sure, as I later found out some truths, by doing some investigating of my own).

His two remaining close male friends, lived either 7 hours away, or in a different state, so with him not having money and a job, he wasn't seeing so much of them.

After BP became involved with me, he started complaining regularly about being lonely, and alone!

I did what was in my power to help, but it wasn't my place to fill every need he had!

I found his total neediness exhausting, because I had a very busy life, work, home to run, some friends, and found it difficult to have any time to myself once he enmeshed himself into my life.

Amazingly, he had painted himself out to be incredibly independent, and not needy of being surrounded by people all the time, saying he enjoyed his own company. By all accounts, for the first few months, this seemed to be true, except for his constant need to be around me, during that early time of friendship.

I asked if he wanted my help in solving his lonliness, but then he would brush it off, and say it was all fine, and things would be OK!

But, for three years, that is all he complained about.

I asked if he wanted my help in easing his lonliness, he said Yes.

SO

I tried to introduce him to all my friends/associates/workmates he refused, (denigrating them all)

I introduced him into my family/extended family, (he would split between denigrating or supporting them).

I asked if he really wanted to make/meet new male friends, he brushed it off and said NO.

I cut down my working hours to spend more time with him, he ruined that by his incessant need for conflict/drama

I offered him work with my small business, and the chance to meet new associates/possible friends, he ruined that, causing drama and refusing to follow the work orders I had.

I suggested doing things/outings, things that didn't cost much, and that I could afford, he refused, preferring to spend his time away from me, (when he had money) god knows where, and often overnight too!

Then he would accuse me incessantly in the meantime, whilst he kept his own life private, and led me to think he was constantly and miserably alone, waiting for me 24/7 to 'have time for him', and call him. He says he was never a priority in my life!

Yet, often, when I did try calling him at nights especially, he could never be reached!

Then, when he recycled me again, he would plead to come back to see me, or beg me to go see him, (when we lived apart for this last year) and the second he saw me, he would begin another fight! Confused? You betcha... .

I doubt he has been alone the whole time he was with me, but he was sneaky enough to hide it, given his unemployment and the time on his hands, who really knows what he was up to.

What he said and what he did, were two different things.

Pretty hard to build trust in someone so inconsistent.

[Hurtbad]

Great Topic, one that was at the core of my breakup.  My BPD was always upset when I was away, or even if I went in a different part of a store we were in together.  The worst was during our first year hen I spend 1500 bucks on ship to shore phone bills to keep her sane.  I always feared what would happen when the day came I had to travel for business. I felt that we would find out whether we would make it or not. Well, it turned out to be worse.  During two for day trips over a five week period she started flirting with a guy on facebook.  During the second of those two trips she made a date to fly out and spend a weekend with him... . which she did three days after breaking up.  This is a tale all too common on these boards.  It is clearly a part of their problem.

[Octoberfest]

I actually talked with my BPDex about this.  Interestingly enough, her therapist challenged her to spend an hour a day alone.  My BPDex HATED it.  I asked why once... . she told me that, "it gives me too much time to think".  

This sounds like something my ex would say... .   He was thinking ALL OF THE TIME.  I rarely ever saw him completely relaxed.  When I would suggest how we could handle

something he would say "I"m already way ahead of you there"  I know its painful for me when I try to sleep... . to not be able to shut the thinking down.

Is that what is it like all day every day for them?  I'm really sorry my post brought up some rough memories for you.  Even tho I sound angry at my ex a alot of the time,

I still very much love and care for him.  I just have to think of me first because thinking of him first nearly destroyed me.

We needed stability, and he and I could not give it to each other.  I have to go and find that on my own.  No one can give that to me.

I don't know about all BPD's, but for mine, yes.  She also has bipolar depression and GAD.  She used to fairly regularly get high by snorting hydros... . I asked why once.  She explained that, "I constantly have voices going in my head. Questioning how I should have done better, worrying about money or school or family, anxiety over this or that.  Getting high is the only time it stops. My mind is relaxed and I can think clearly.


This sort of stuff is why I myself have never been able to "paint black" my BPDex- No matter all the awful stuff she did to me, I can see what motivated her behavior, and it isn't some weird fetish for torturing other people.  She is just trying to survive and do the best she can.

I cannot imagine living with the shame, fear, regret, insecurity, and feelings of violation that my BPDex does.  So I don't hold it against her.  I am not a religious person, but I pray for my BPDex to find peace.

[crystalclear]

Great Topic, one that was at the core of my breakup.  My BPD was always upset when I was away, or even if I went in a different part of a store we were in together.  

I always feared what would happen when the day came I had to travel for business. I felt that we would find out whether we would make it or not. Well, it turned out to be worse.  

Wow. This struck a chord for me. This is exactly his behavior. I found it a bit strange and a bit romantic that he wanted me being around with him almost all times - while shopping for anything he wants me close to him, at home he did not like if we were in differennt room (unless his mood was off) - even at pubs/bars if i left the table to play some games on the console in the bar while he was in the restroom... . All this used to piss him off!

My exbf told me that he hates being alone. He lived away from family for over 11 years - sharing his flat with othe male co-workers but it was the last one year when he had to live alone as his roomies returned to their countries and he did not want to share his house with strangers.

We all dislike it too, but at times we don't mind alone, as we like our freedom. For them somehow, the can't live being alone and can't live with someone happily. They need stability, but cannot endure it for long.

This sounds like something my ex would say... .  He was thinking ALL OF THE TIME.  I rarely ever saw him completely relaxed.  When I would suggest how we could handle

something he would say "I"m already way ahead of you there"  I know its painful for me when I try to sleep... . to not be able to shut the thinking down.

laelle,

Very strange but my exbf used to think ALL the time when he was not watching sports, or movies. Or did he? I felt like he wasn't relaxed most times. He was edgy or grumpy when sober. When drinking he would loosen up but even the smallest of things i said or did would make him angry and yell at me.

I felt like he was one person in the morning and another after his drinks in the night!

[laelle]

My ex had to always have a tv show or movie going in the background.  It was a "thing" with him.  We watched MANY tv series, while on skype, while playing video games... .

[Murbay]

It was one of the distinguishing identifiers when my ex tried to point the BPD finger at me with our T. She cannot bear to be alone and constantly either needed reassurance or people around her to calm her abandonment issues. I guess that's why she still lives with her parents because she cannot handle being alone. On the other hand, I went the opposite way and relished that alone time. Working away for a few months, I received over 20,000 e-mails from her and that was on top of the constant phonecalls, texts and skype. I would get about 1 -2 hours sleep a night and even that was done with skype on so she could see me and I could see her.

There were glaring red flags in the house that I had to work long and hard to comprehend with my T because they didn't make sense. When I was away from home, my step-daughter would sleep with her mother. My ex would tell me it's because SD felt alone and they were company for each other. Only, when we had a disagreement and she started raging, I would go sleep down on the sofa in the basement because there was peace and solitude down there. She, on the other hand would either go climb in SD's bed or go climb in to her parents bed. Seriously, that was the one I never got my head around, a 32 year old woman sleeping with her parents.

On the few weekends her parents were away, you would think it would be great to have that time for ourselves? Not at all, she would sleep in her parents bed with SD then too so that she could "smell her mother" and the option I had was to sleep in that bed or sleep alone. I just found it too weird to do so I would sleep alone.

Vacations, her parents were there too, every single vacation (we never had a honeymoon because we couldn't afford to bring her parents with us). The food tasting for the wedding was embarrassing because we were the only couple who turned up with parents. She would say it's because her mother was her best friend but now I see it was far more than that, she could never let her mother out of her sight and when she did, she would be in constant contact by phone or by e-mail even if it was only for a few hours. My T said I got more than I bargained for because I got 2 for the price of 1 in my marriage.

For me, I was drawn in because I was lonely. I had great friends, a good job, my own house but had been on my own for 3 years. It was the nights more than anything, where you just wanted someone to be able to sit down and talk or to share things with as well as someone to share the finer aspects of life with. Looking back now, I might have had those pangs of loneliness but knowing what I do now, I wouldn't have traded them in for anything, I like my independence and I love my solitude.

[bb12]

Hey Laelle

I think they know there is something not quite right with themselves... . that the compulsion to find someone else when we are not around is not normal.

But I also think that we owe it to ourselves to work this puzzle out alone. It is dangerous for us nons also to move quickly onto someone new also. Or we risk doing it all again.

We were meant to meet this pwBPD. It is the dance of wounded souls and if we don't learn from it then we will dance it again until we do.

My own feeling is that our own loneliness is at the heart of choosing them and sticking around too long in the face of poor treatment. We need to confront our own loneliness (and even the night monsters) all by ourselves: really examine our choices, why we were perhaps too controlling, the way fight, the way we bargain, the reasons we stay.

I have largely done all of that and though still single, I am not lonely.

It is a wonderful new development... . to sit in uncomfortable emotions and not feel compelled to DO something!

BB12

[changingme]

I think it is because it hurts and it is scary. 

They already always feel alone even when they aren't and they feel this abandonment so when they are alone it is intensified.  I noticed he can't even be alone in any way.  TV would go on the second he walked in the door, friends always around, working a lot, phone there is always some sort of distraction. 

I see my daughter doing the same patterns.  She is always distracting herself.  She has a hard time even taking a shower because she feels alone.  Kind of how you say your afraid of the dark, except this seems to be an all day event. 

[Billa]

My ex "needed" me when he wasnt working.  I would stay on skype with him when he wasnt working.  We were pretty much together all the time.  I did not "need" this, but he made it our normal every day routine.  I accepted it and it even gave me comfort.  Then one day he would flip and called me a "stalker"  that he was with me all the time, he never had any space, that I needed to do more things on my own... .

OK, I thought this was ME!  So here I go trying to be better... . gave him his space, would never ask to skype, he had too.  I took his advice and started reading books... .

and finding things to do with myself.   Then I get the email... . "Something is wrong, we are not as close as we use to be?" Why are you treating me like this?

I've experienced more or less the same experience. In the first period of our r/s he was texting me all the time (and my friends were quite annoyed, when I was with them). Then, towards the end, whenever I texted him, i.e. just to know if he had arrived after a six-hour-car journey, he claimed that he was not supposed to give me news every single moment, because many times he had nothing to say or didn't fancy chatting. So I took a deep breath and let it go, avoiding texting. After a few hours, he would text me telling that I was neglecting him, that my behaviour was wrong and so on... . I was going nuts!

[Discarded26]

This is an interesting topic.

Mine was the same, always had to be doing something, on the go. Wanted to be adored and loved and "told" he was loved

[laelle]

bb12,

We need to confront our own loneliness (and even the night monsters) all by ourselves

I'm working on this. Very important for me to do.  It is part of learning to trust myself.

[Findingmysong723]

My Ex couldn't stand silence or I guess he considered it awkward silence. If we were driving in the car together, we would have to have the radio on or some kind of CD. If he was in a bad mood, he would be all rude and sarcastic about it, "you know how I like it to be quiet like this," or something like that. He would think it was weird if I was sitting in a room hanging with the cats but no TV on. he felt like it was weird to be in quiet. Also, he would read a lot on his phone and look up stuff about video games or funny things online etc. I need distraction myself, watch TV before bed and I put on the sleep timer. However, I don't get angry or upset when I do have quiet. My Ex had a major anxiety, he had OCD and was taking medication for it for years, he only stopped taking it at the end of our relationship... . don't think that was the best idea but oh well. I also think he might of had rOCD which is OCD that deals with relationships, it is someone who is always asking the question if the relationship they are in is "the right one". Anxiety was a huge problem in our relationship, one of the things he told me about the breakup was, "I'm tired of all the awkward silences!" I remember sometimes when we would start to be intimate, we would start to kiss or start to be intimate and he would start getting anxious about what was happening or what he was feeling. It was almost like unless we were doing something in this perfect way there was something off about us together, and he would ruin his own mood and mine by all his ruminating thoughts. I remember him saying something like "I'm not crazy, I know it's not just me, I know you feel it too. However, there would be other times when we could be intimate and it would be great, it was the days we both stopped worrying about our insecurities and just had fun! Intimacy was a hard one for us and I think Anxiety was a huge part of our relationship issues and it wasn't just medication! So, basically, I had an Ex who I feel had borderline traits, was a recovering alcoholic, grew up in a chaotic (his Dad abused his Mom and I think older brother) childhood, which I think is why he didn't like quiet because when he was a kid something bad was probably going to happen. However, I realized he was going through a lot and expected some issues but it was too much and he is an adult and knows something was wrong and hasn't worked hard enough to make himself better! He was in therapy but only went when he feels really low and when he is "happy" he stops.



Ah, anxiety, recovering alcoholic, seems to have borderline traits, a chaotic and abusive home when he was young... .

[Hurtbad]

Woo.  This stream is bringing back many bad memories, which I am happy to say, are now helping to heal me.  My BPDso would get nuts if I did not get back to a text or phone call right away.  Also, if I ran late... . even in a snow storm, she would get very sad and anxious.  But the real humdinger... . you may want to prepare yourself for this dear reader... . was that it was her constant calling and texting that led to me caching her during her first and last dalliances.  I will share the first once the contrast was so stark.  Anyway, she was meeting "friends" from out wets where she is from for a reunion in the city.  I did know that among them was a guy who had hit on her a month before when she met him at "get  "get together" out of town.  When she left for this 4 day adventure, she assured me nothing would happen and that she would come home a day early because she did not want me to worry.  Now remember, right up to the minute she left the home we were sharing, whenever we were not together, she would text or call anywhere from 7 to 15 times a day. Let's go to a new paragraph so that we can visually set up the contrast:

She left Friday morning.  No calls or text from her all day, nor were any of mine returned.  Saturday, no calls or texts from her, nor were any of mine returned.  Sunday, no calls or texts initiated by her, one of my texts was returned at  3:30 am saying she was busy.  Monday, no texts or calls returned all day, even though she was supposed to come home.  Tuesday, after pleas and urgent requests by me, she responded at 4:30 in the morning, Wednesday.  The kicker is, she never really understood the pain this caused, or how screwed up it was because.  Well, we went for couples counseling and even our T was afraid to tell her that what she did was cruel for fear of getting her wrath. He finally did man-up, but was unsure about how to deal with someone who was convinced beyond all doubt that what she did was justified because I was frequently "busy."

I forgave her and we went on, until she did exactly the same thing following my four day trip to the UK. As noted on other posts, she improved.  She broke up with me on a Monday, continued friend calls and texts for three days, then went dark... . as we say in broadcasting.  She flew to another city to sleep with a guy she never met.

BTW:  Mine would also get upset if I did not verbally validate every little thing she said.   Nods were not allowed.

[truestory]

Looking back, I realize that one of my first red flags was the fact that my ex hadn't spent much time alone, without a romantic partner, as an adult. From what he told me (and I could really only go on what he said, since we met on-line), he'd basically been in a relationship since high school; we met when he was 38. I figured out that, in the course of 2 years and following his break-up of a 4-yr relationship, he'd been in 3 relationships -- one of those relationships ended in marriage and a quick divorce. He'd met and married a woman in less-than 9 mos. They lived together for 4 mos before separating and divorcing. Since his divorce, I realized that he'd again had several relationships -- so many that, based on their timelines, the only possible way he had so many relationships was overlap. For better or worse, I ended up being one of those relationships. And as I said in my intro post, he was in love with his new girlfriend (who is a recycled ex) before he'd even moved his stuff out of my place.

It used to aggravate me so much until I came to accept that he honestly feels that being alone is *literally* intolerable. For him, it's not that being alone is 'hard' or makes him feel sad or lonely or whatever; being alone is like living in hell, it is 100% intolerable. When he's alone, he has no one to distract him from his pain. When he's alone he ruminates on how his life isn't where it 'should' be. He once said that going to therapy was great up until it was time to end the session -- when he left the session he realized that he was "Still alone, still f'd." He told me his ex-wife called him the loneliest person she'd ever known and, as much as he loathed her, he said she was right.

He has neither the ability to tolerate being alone nor the capacity to sustain intimacy. As much as he hurt me, my heart goes out to him -- I'd rather deal with some confusion and heartache than the deep-seated mess he's gotta sort through.

[ComoLu]

Laelle, thanks for asking.  I am doing very well.  Therapy helped as did loving family and friends.  I am now nearly 2 yrs. out from that day he screamed at me that he wanted a divorce.  The divorce is final, and I have just started seeing someone new who makes me laugh and is willing to help me carry my baggage.  I know I have a long way to go, but I am getting past the anger, resentment, and pain.  He, however, is still drinking and still trying to drag me down, but his control over my life is mostly done, no matter what he wants.  He is not taking me back there again ever.  I am too strong for that, and I deserve better.

[laelle]

  Yes you do! 

[elessar]

Before I knew about BPD, my ex's words didn't make sense. She said that she will go crazy and kill herself if she ever has to live alone. She is 29 and still lives at home. Once upon a time she used to say how badly she wants to live on her own, have her own identity. Her family was very emotionally abusive towards her. Yet whenever the options and chances to live alone came in life, she would always back down. I was moving away for grad school and our plan was that in a year or two we will get married and live together. But 5 days before my move she wanted me to marry her in 2 days and take her away with me... . away from her family. I said calm down and think about it for a few days, not take a rash decision. She took it as me abandoning her. Its been 2 yrs since that. Even now its the same. But after learning about BPD I realized her words weren't crazy. Some BPDs can really be mortally afraid to live alone. When she says that is the only time she says "I am already half crazy, I will go completely crazy if I live by myself". Else never ever has she accepted that there is anything wrong with her... .

[pari]

So true. My would often tell me these lines.

I would spend every waking minute with him, besides office hours. During office hours, we would talk on phone during lunch and exchange sms/emails all day. But still he won't be happy. He was just happy to have me  around. Because it made him happy. If I spent an evening with my family or friends, I would have to hear handful for it.

I think it's because I loved him very much and would make him feel special. He often said that he doesn't believe in himself but believes in me. He has no wants of himself but all he wants is me, is to make me happy.

My ex would throw compliments on me all the time. Now I know that he didn't really mean them but just used it as a trick to keep me around.

Once I borrowed money from him and he would joke around. Can you not return my money, so you hang around me? He thought it was a cute joke but it made me so upset.

Sometimes I wonder, what exactly I meant to him? May be that's a topic worth another post

[laelle]

Pari,

It was not a trick, as I am assuming you felt it was.  Someone with BPD fears abandonment to the point where they feel they will emotionally die if they are.

His wanting to be near you was a way for him to control his environment (you), thereby making himself feel that he would not be abandoned.

He did not do this to trick you, he did this for his own survival... .

He plays a CORE script over and over trying to heal himself and not be abandoned, but this will never happen because he can not heal the problems of his past

through other people.  He must do this inside himself with therapy.

I know that sometimes we are harsh and angry with our ex's... . and rightly so.  Its important to remember tho they while they have certain things about themselves they

can control, their are others that are beyond their means to control because they are broken and mentally ill.  

In the end we are left with the decision of us or them... . Join them in replaying their role of abandoner / abandoned and live your life as either the cruel abuser, or themselves who were cruelly abused and abandoned, or move on, heal ourselves learning to love ourselves better from the experience.

I did not want to play either role, I just wanted to love him.  Its just not possible to play the parts they want you to play and still love yourself.

They are sick and broken... . they can not help it, and will not be whole without working on their issues.  You cant heal them.

Its not their fault, but its not YOURS either.

 Laelle

I digress, but its my thread. 

[pari]

It was not a trick, as I am assuming you felt it was.  Someone with BPD fears abandonment to the point where they feel they will emotionally die if they are.

I know in my heart that you are correct. It's the anger inside me which makes me feel that. I really appreciate your  explanation reply to my post. 

I did not want to play either role, I just wanted to love him.  Its just not possible to play the parts they want you to play and still love yourself.

That's the role I wanted to play, still want to play.

This was the whole reason he started seeing another girl, because I wasn't around and he didn't want to be alone.

[laelle]

I did not want to play either role, I just wanted to love him.  Its just not possible to play the parts they want you to play and still love yourself.

That's the role I wanted to play, still want to play.

This was the whole reason he started seeing another girl, because I wasn't around and he didn't want to be alone. [/quote]
That says a lot about his ability to love and nuture a relationship doesnt it?  The moment your out of sight, he needs another source to drain?

BPD's lack object constancy.  When your not there they forget how they felt about you.  Dont take it personally, its not about you.

You are here to heal yourself up so you can be happy and healthy.  What he was, is, or will be... . is predictable.

He was ill, he is ill, he will always be ill as long as he doesnt do some serious work on himself.  You cant help him, but you can help YOU!

 Laelle

[jollygreen]

Speaking on object constancy, towards the end of my relationship she quit her nice corporate job to go to school again. She was alone 2 days a week at our place. I recall her saying that she felt disordered being home by herself.  And I think that's why she had so many pictures of us all over our place and had a journal of our good memories to keep that object constancy. I know she probably wanted me to call and text more often during those moments, but at that time I was feeling too drained from everything. I did notice she was on the phone with someone every time I came home from work to keep her head busy. Oh well... .