After 2 years of relationship she left me, 2nd months later, preganant.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Title say it all, this is my question because i was dumped from a borderline female mostly for this reason.

Actually she wanted to marry and make babies with me from the first month of our relationship,
but somewhere i read that borderlines dont want this and i am really confused.

After 2 years of relationship she left me for another man, they engaged in 2nd month of their relationship and she is pregnant
already.  

 I never saw more insecure and evil person in my life,i was ready to give my life for her.

Please someone with same experience explain to me, thanks everyone ... .

[amunt]

Title say it all, this is my question because i was dumped from a borderline female mostly for this reason.

Actually she wanted to marry and make babies with me from the first month of our relationship,
but somewhere i read that borderlines dont want this and i am really confused.

After 2 years of relationship she left me for another man, they engaged in 2nd month of their relationship and she is pregnant
already.  

 I never saw more insecure and evil person in my life,i was ready to give my life for her.

Please someone with same experience explain to me, thanks everyone ... .

[bus boy]

Hi amunt, welcome to BPD family. It has helped me so much in dealing with the aftereffects of a npd/BPD r/s. I don't know what to tell you only that we all have had different negative experience with the personality disordered person. Mine was dead set against children until we were married, she made this very clear many times but o the other side of the coin she made it very clear we were never having children until I made a litany of unreasonable promises. Even before we married she was telling me I would be an unsuitable father. She cried when she got pregnant and she left when our son was 6 months old, he's almost 10 years old and she's more evil than ever. They are all different. I often think she is more darker and evil than a personality disorder. I don't know if this helps you or not. You will get lots of great feed back on here that will help you answer any questions.

[pjstock42]

I told my BPD ex gf pretty early on how I wasn't really interested in having kids, she responded by telling me how she never wanted kids either. She would go on and on at length about how children ruin marriages, how she would never want to put her body through pregnancy, how kids are too expensive etc etc.

Fast forward about a year and she couldn't stop talking about babies. Then, part of her post discard email where she painted me to black said that she really wanted kids and couldn't be with me because I didn't. So basically, either she wanted kids all along and was just mirroring me at the beginning by saying she didn't, or somewhere within ~1.5 years she went from never wanting kids to wanting them ASAP. She's 31 and up against her biological clock, some poor soul is going to fall into her idealization and get married to her / have kids with her - the eventual deterioration of that relationship when she decides to discard him is going to be life-destroying for that man. This woman is in no way mentally healthy enough to be raising a child so it's scary to think that she will probably be doing this some time in the near future.

[Mutt]

Hi amunt,



I'd like to join bus boy and pjstock42 and welcome you. I cwould feel confused too. BPD or mental illness is not a label,, as you can already see, everyone's exe is a different person with different personalities.

BPD is a spectrum disorder, with different traits and severity. A pwBPD ( person with BPD ) idealize and quickly become attached at the onset of the r/s and eventually the the person doesn't see us as their savior but as their persecutor. How long were you together for?

[StayStrongNow]

I also welcome you here amunt thank you for your post.

The ustbxBPDw wanted children right off the bat. Wanted to be a stay at home mom and feed her compulsive shopping addiction just like her mother also having BPD.

We had four children now D10, D8, S6 and D who died a month after her second birthday from a heart defect. Right after our 4 th D was conceived she wanted me snipped because she wanted no more babies. I objected, I researched that it was not for me due to what complications may occur so I didnt. She decided to even though I told her I came from a big family and I wouldn't mind more. BTW I had an eight year idealization stage period so all this happened when times were good. Our r/s demise started when our youngest was diagnosed with a heart condition. I was painted black after my daughter died.

Anyway fast forward to now, we aren't divorced yet and she has the replacement and is researching having the tubes made whole so she can have another baby.  Her abandonment issues are huge and there is a lot more to the story but I am containing this post to only about having babies, this is what has happened and is happening.

Personally I think she wants a replacement for the daughter we lost. BTW the kids have been with me solely with her getting supervised visitation and until recently unsupervised visitation. It's a mess but for her, a baby is definately an attachment. I guess this holds true for a pwBPD or not.

[amunt]

Hello everyone and thanks for your experiences, i was with her for 2 years and we were ready to engaged in June.
I spent 2 years of my life in her side, lost friends and almost my family.

She was so insecure,phone calls all day and sms, wanted to speak with my brother to prove that i was with him and not
cheating her  
She had drama all the time and afraid that i will cheat her, she said many times that she will kill me if she catch me with another
girl. She forced me to delete many friend girls from my social media and called them whores.

I thought that she doing all that because she love me , i was wrong. She dumped me and after one week i learned that she
was kissing with a random guy in a club, my best friend saw them and told me that he never saw so passionate kissing ever.
They kissed all the time with extreme passion in front of my friends so they see and come tell me  

Her rebounder is a young guy just 21 years old and she is 27 . When i learn i was really mad and called her in the phone.
She answered with a really angry manner " what the f*ck are you want?"
I tell her that i never believed that she will betray me that way , she answered me that she dont give a f*ck about me, i was her worst
relationship and not a real man. Her new boy is a real man and can treat a woman  

Fast forward , the new guy its all the time with her in her appartment , he made presents and tryin to save her.
I meet them out one night and he stared at me with an angry face, he bought all of her crap about me that i was bad and evil
and play the victim to him. He is the knight who come to save the princess, she is  pregnant now and they already engaged.
And all that in just 3 months ... .

My best friend died from cancer this month, he was good friend with her too. And guess something, she dont give a ___ about it.
She dont even visit him or come in the funeral. Really i never ever meet an evil person like her.
I feel saved , i was with a demon without know it.

[Mutt]

Hi amunt,

I'm sorry for your loss. Her bf is a young man. I'm not saying that this is certain, it may not happen, but I wouldn't to find myself in a high conflict custody battle with a pwBPD. You can check thhr stories here from members on the divorce board
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

[amunt]

I dont think so, we are already in no contact for 5 months now.

She just make rude comments in a mutual friend about my dates ,
she learned about me and a young girl 20 years old.

Guess what, she make fun and rude comments in our mutual friend that i am 30 years
old and i play with little girls 
In the same time she is 27 and her new boy is just 21 

She is really out of her mind, but i am not afraid of them.
Before this relationship i was really alpha cool man, she made me beta insecure like hell and then dumped me.
Thanks God now i am back to my old self

[Moselle]

Amunt,

No two Borderlines are the same. There are co-mobid disorders sometimes, which affect their behaviour. Mine was also diagnosed with an Obsessive disorder. She was also obsessed with having children. When I declined to continue after three, she got two small puppies and said, these are my children because you wouldn't give me any more.

What drives this behaviour is beyond the scope of any normal conversation, but as Mutt says, be grateful you have escaped the custody issues. Try to look at the reasons you got involved in the first place so you can build a healthy relationship in future. Are you aware of any?

[amunt]

Yes , thanks everyone i am free now and its all done for the best

[gotbushels]

Actually she wanted to marry and make babies with me from the first month of our relationship,
but somewhere i read that borderlines dont want this and i am really confused.

amunt just to chime in here, I agree with  Moselle when he said no two borderlines are the same. My ex was quite obsessed with marriage, pregnancy, and babies. But she moved from extreme wanting to extreme not wanting on all three of those. Her opinions moved to extremes both backwards and forwards. The changes could happen over weeks or even hours. Also, since marriage is a status of a relationship--albeit a serious status--she could basically change her mind within a few hours on this point if it was a "dumping" day. "I'm your fiancée," with a big grin; to "F* you. We're over."

from my experience my stbex wanted the lot, children marriage home.

She got them all, but nothing made any difference to her emptiness.

I missed a  in early days seeing her complete indifference to her D (8 at the time).

Thanks for sharing this bit earlgrey.

Good luck.   

[SamwizeGamgee]

My wife was the non-domestic, not even really feminine type before marriage.  Never was a good marriage.  We have five kids now, I think part why we have kids was that when wanting/trying to make a baby was the only time she would want to have sex.  Every other time was a chore / duty or sin by the way she acted.  Dumb guy, I just went for it, some sex is better than no sex.

I will suggest that to a BPD mom, a baby fills them with pleasure and power like a drug.  With a baby they have finally a totally-loving, utterly helpless, dependent child that is hard-wired to love mom and bond to mom and "is" mom.  Literally the opposite of abandonment.  I observe that my wife does not seem to know who she truly is, in almost every aspect except as a mom.  Like being lost in the mirror except when looking at a baby - a reflection of herself.  Plus, mom gets all kind of control and power over this new life, and very little manipulation is necessary - short of threats and withholding affection (one of her specialties).

As my kids approached and pass through teenage years, the picture of the ideal mom cracks.  Sooner or later, she lashes out at them, twists words, swings from dotting mom to witch or waif.

I agree that each person is different though, and BPD just messes up the wiring in people so you get wildly different results one to another.

[GoingBack2OC]

My experience was my ex would say how she wanted children, a home, a family. But her actions spoke otherwise. We lived together for a year. She never really in any way "took on" any of the, what I think should, shared responsibilities.

If I had not watered the plants, they would have died. I always took out the trash. I always turned the house down at the end of the night, lights off, locked up, etc. I was the one who nearly always did the dishes. We also had a weekly maid, so most household chores including laundry were done for us.

I dont think she ever once used the laundry machine. I handled it all.

She would say how much she wants babies, a family. But also how she needed the freedom to go do a Phd. She was completely focused only on status, career goals, herself.

I think the idea of being, or having a family was an idea she fantasized about, but I think, when the time came... .which it thankfully did not, she would not have enjoyed motherhood.

My guess, I would have had to breastfeed.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Amunt and welcome to the BPD Family of non's recovering from a relationship with a loved person who has BPD traits!

As Mutt mentioned, pwBPD cycle through a process of idealizing and devaluing.  At first we are their knight in shining armor and then seemingly discarded as being insignificant.  In between that peak and trough are the struggles many of us go through to hold onto these relationships and the highs we felt when the idealization phase was in full swing. 

It took me some time to personalize the idealize/devalue traits in the context of my marriage and in the end I have come to believe that she idealized both the ideas of marriage and babies.  So, to your question; can a pwBPD become obsessed about this, the answer is yes - but that is not implying that every pwBPD traits does - it simply means that if that it can be an area of idealization.

Hope that is helpful.  How do you feel about marriage and babies?  Was this something of a "hook" that she had in you?

JRB

[amunt]

During the time we were together all of her friends (Just 3) were married and had babies or were pregnant , she wanted to follow this and
speaked all the time about our marriage and babies.
I want to take everything step by step, i am not a man who act fast and hastily so i said no its too soon ... .

On the other hand she is totally different, she act fast and she is impulsive.
Already pregnant from the new guy just after 3 months


Maybe my ex wasnt Borderline at all, she is different. She have most of the traits but also she was hypersexual.
We had sex every day and many days we had sex 2-3 times and she forced me for sex many times.
I dont know, maybe Histrionic with some Borderline traits ?

[gotbushels]

She have most of the traits but also she was hypersexual.

I'm not a doctor, but I'd consider that a more active sexual drive does not act as a point in opposition to BPD. In fact, a greater sexual drive may be related to the criteria "impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)." Members have sometimes observed a high sexual drive in their partners.

[CitizenBell]

I thought talking about marriage/kids early on was a common part of the idealisation phase.

The first week my ex made a joke about a colleague at work being a bridesmaid at the wedding. Two weeks later she asked how I was going to propose to her. She said it had to be romantic. Two weeks after that she was taking me round the shops pointing out baby clothes and toys to buy 'for our daughter, Stephanie'. Sent me pictures of baby clothes and said 'My friend says we have to have lots of babies so I can go clothes shopping with her'. She said I'd make a good Dad and how cute would it be taking our daughter to school.

Mind you, she had just finished breaking up with her last boyfriend properly about... .erm... .4 hours before she asked me out. She dumped me five months into the relationship and now she has someone new.

But she was very obsessed with this fantasy life we'd have. Proposals, babies, the future, living together. We sat next to each other at work and we'd get marriage certificates and she would joke about where we'd get married, things like that.

The thing is... .I talked about those kind of things too and was ready to propose on the trip we'd planned to do just three months into the relationship. I did all those things too... .but I'm not BPD.

I did, however, lose a child to an abortion years ago and told her this on the first date (we had been friends a few months before, and getting into a relationship/having sex was a big deal for me after that and I wanted her to know it meant I was serious about her), so I guess that's why I fell head over heels for her when she was telling me all of this. I don't think I'd have brought it all up if she hadn't first.

[Lunira]

My mother (BPD) has admitted to me many times that the main reason why she wanted to have a child (me) was that she thought it would keep my father around.  Basically, an insurance policy on a meal ticket.  :P

[amunt]

I thought talking about marriage/kids early on was a common part of the idealisation phase.

The first week my ex made a joke about a colleague at work being a bridesmaid at the wedding. Two weeks later she asked how I was going to propose to her. She said it had to be romantic. Two weeks after that she was taking me round the shops pointing out baby clothes and toys to buy 'for our daughter, Stephanie'. Sent me pictures of baby clothes and said 'My friend says we have to have lots of babies so I can go clothes shopping with her'. She said I'd make a good Dad and how cute would it be taking our daughter to school.

Mind you, she had just finished breaking up with her last boyfriend properly about... .erm... .4 hours before she asked me out. She dumped me five months into the relationship and now she has someone new.

But she was very obsessed with this fantasy life we'd have. Proposals, babies, the future, living together. We sat next to each other at work and we'd get marriage certificates and she would joke about where we'd get married, things like that.

The thing is... .I talked about those kind of things too and was ready to propose on the trip we'd planned to do just three months into the relationship. I did all those things too... .but I'm not BPD.

I did, however, lose a child to an abortion years ago and told her this on the first date (we had been friends a few months before, and getting into a relationship/having sex was a big deal for me after that and I wanted her to know it meant I was serious about her), so I guess that's why I fell head over heels for her when she was telling me all of this. I don't think I'd have brought it all up if she hadn't first.

We had the same ex ? 
I was ready to engage her too , thanks God i didnt ... .

These creatures cant love , they have not emotional development like normal people

[pjstock42]

We had the same ex ? 
I was ready to engage her too , thanks God i didnt ... .

These creatures cant love , they have not emotional development like normal people

I also was saving for an engagement ring at the time when my BPD ex gf showed her true colors as a conniving & deceptive witch through her discard. We can all be thankful that we were spared the "opportunity" to further ruin our lives down the line by having a marriage contract and children with these people.

[amunt]

We had the same ex ? 
I was ready to engage her too , thanks God i didnt ... .

These creatures cant love , they have not emotional development like normal people

I also was saving for an engagement ring at the time when my BPD ex gf showed her true colors as a conniving & deceptive witch through her discard. We can all be thankful that we were spared the "opportunity" to further ruin our lives down the line by having a marriage contract and children with these people.

This is true bro , i am still in pain from this witch

[CitizenBell]

I still miss mine. She was actually not so bad when she broke up with me, she cried the whole time. Text me the next day to say she wanted to know I could always text her. She didn't get cold until I pursued things looking for answers.

To the point that I wondered whether she did have issues or just went off me. But any way you cut it, intensely idealising someone that way so early and doing a total 180 isn't normal. I recognised that I had become unattractive in some ways... .I opened up about a few things I probably shouldn't because she'd told me nothing would scare her away and I was her soulmate... .but I was also going through a whole lot at the time in my personal life. I kind of became clingy because I'd get told off for not replying to her messages in time and the power in the relationship just reversed. Whereas before she had been so nervous around me, now it was the other way around. I had thought the fact that I looked after her when she was acting like a child the whole time we were away would count for something but I don't think people like her genuinely know how to process affection and how to give back. She would say "All you do is give and all I do is take" and "how can one person be so good", and it was as if she ended up resenting me for it.

I couldn't handle the aftermath of her crying her eyes out abroad. As soon as I showed some vulnerability, after weeks of dealing with hers, she just up and left. But she wasn't nasty about the break-up itself, she genuinely regretted hurting me. Though she was quite short-tempered with me over nothing even as early as the trip. It's something I've struggled with, whether she has issues and that's why I was idealised/devalued, or whether she just realised in the 10 days she didn't love me. But I mean, who talks about marriage and kids that early really.

She was nasty about her ex though when she was with me. Said he was pathetic, that he never cared for her, blah, blah, blah, victim status all the time, said she only dated him because he was someone that was interested in her. Since he tried to kill himself after the break-up I assume there was an idealisation/devaluation phase with him as well. There was a guy at uni too who she said she text for a bit then he suddenly stopped and when he tried to sit next to her in a lecture once she got up and walked away.

And in the space of say 9 months... .to lose your virginity to one guy and tell him you love him (which I know she had said to him), to break up with him and be in a relationship with me and sleep with me after three days, to say all the things she said to me about marriage and kids, break up with me five months later, then date another guy about 4-5 months after that, just doesn't seem right to me. There's nothing wrong per se about having that many relationships but you can't keep telling them all that you love them.

It wasn't until I got in touch with her to tell her about my Dad's depression and an AVM I was diagnosed with that I was going through when we got back from the trip that I saw a different side. Accusations of harassment at work. And apparently someone just asked to move off her team at work because of her. She is a totally different person to the shy, timid girl she was or portrayed to me at the beginning.

I think the marriage/kids thing is part of BPDs being 'dreamers'. Even before we were together, mine would say 'imagine we're broke down together on a train in the middle of nowhere' and 'let's move to Italy together and open our own media centre'. It's part of the fantasy they have until the reality hits them and they decide to wake up.

[amunt]

Yeah they dream a lot, mine witch tell me the same about marriage ,babies,travels etc

But you are lucky because your ex respected you , my ex when we broke up blocked me in
social media and found a new guy just after 10-12 days.
I called her and she started to inslut me and say that the new guy is a real man and can take
care of a woman and i was the worst ever 

Thats what we call Idealization/Devaluation , just before 2 months wanted to make babies with me
and then i was the worst 

[gotbushels]

I also was saving for an engagement ring at the time when my BPD ex gf showed her true colors as a conniving & deceptive witch through her discard. We can all be thankful that we were spared the "opportunity" to further ruin our lives down the line by having a marriage contract and children with these people.

Yes, certainly. Well, I spent money on the engagement ring and it was very expensive to me. Contrast this against two of my friends who got married. The woman is very frugal and kind. I respect her a lot. She wanted a cheap ring. She's a very happy person though she got a more expensive one at the boyfriend's insistence. There are certainly more normal and happy people that don't so outwardly place their happiness on more material things.

You are blessed to be spared. We are both blessed to have not gone further down the paths with our partners.

[maddy786]

Oh man... .My exBPD GF went with one of my friend to a pub all night, when i found out and called her she said "Who the F*k are you ?" after 3 yrs of r/s. If you can believe it mine slept with a 50 yrs old man, her justification was "it happened and i cant undo it, and you should be happy that i am with you now" i mean how sick is that even to listen it... .

[gotbushels]

maddy786 to get this from someone who is thought to be a partner is difficult. Have you considered why you tolerated it?  Often, we get a lot of answers through looking at the roles in difficult situations like this. 

[maddy786]

I thought it was love and tolerated it. I was always trying to go back to clinger phase

[gotbushels]

So did you discover more of what love means to you in an intimate relationship maddy786? People in general like to be social, many of us like attention, many of us like to feel close to others. So if you feel you want that from the "clinger phase" you describe, I think that's fair.