D.E.A.R. Mother, I'm Trying Something New

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am so tired of fighting, it feels like it has been going on for years.  It's the same version of the argument every time.  How many ways is it possible to fail your uBPDm? I've been checked out of these arguments for years now, just hoping they would pass.  The latest occured over 3 weeks ago.  I have been on NC since.  Her husband contacted me and asked if I was ready to talk about things.  The message had a twinge of accusation to it, so I knew they felt it was still going to be "my fault".  You can read the details of the argument and my relationship with her on the New Member board if you are interested.

So what was different this time?  For the past two weeks I have been educating myself and gathering info from these boards.  I have just completed reading Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has BPD.  Today I practiced the

D.E.A.R. technique.

Describe the situation as you see it, without exaggerating, making judgements or explainations.

Express your feelings or opinions about the situation clearly.

Assert Limits

Reinforce the benefits of your limits, if appropriate.

I had both my husband and hers on the phone, so that there could be no misunderstanding of what I was saying.  I gave my mother first opportunity to express what she felt the problem was.  I received a half hearted apology, then she immediately digressed, referring to an argument we had had nearly two years ago.  I asked if she felt that she had been allowed to say everything that she had wanted.

I then read my version of the situation, using the D.E.A.R technique.  My mother did not like this one bit.  She is not use to me not backing down immediately.  She proceeded to "split" and dysregulate all over the place.  (Normally I don't involve our spouses, but I wanted them to hear what she was doing).  I can't say anything has been resolved.  My mother took zero responsibility for the things she had said, she denied that she had said the most hurtful of them.  My husband reminded her that I have not deviated from any version of my story since the minute I called him to come and pick me up and that he would find the context of the conversation something that would have been to far fetched for me to have made up.  She continued to try to "recruit" my husband to gang up on me for supposedly saying the "f" word nearly two years ago (that was her excuse for what was setting her off in this argument)!  My husband gently told her that those words were not in my nature and he would definately have confronted me if he had heard me say it.  I must admit that I did use that word once... . while I was in labor 26 years ago  but I digress... .

my mother felt it more important to "win" the argument by proving that it had started near the cash registers not near the towels... . HUH?

I mostly stuck to my written text but I can tell that I must learn to prepare for the diversions.

So we have laid out our plan for how we will proceed from here. We have told her we will no longer keep revisiting an argument after it has been resolved and that I will no longer remain in a room, store or anywhere else if I feel verbally threatened.  She is not happy and I have a stomach ache.  I do find it interesting that I am not the blubbering mess of "failure", that normally resides at her feet following one of these confrontations.  I am proud of myself for standing my ground against her verbal abuse.

Thank you to many of you who have supported me on my other posts, without you I wouldn't have been brave enough to stand up to her. 

I am nervous about the backlash, there were LOTS of hooks hung tonight.  I am currently typing up the many options that I have for how we will proceed proceed from here.  I will consider LC (by phone), but only with our spouses present and I will continue to try new techniques.  I am now off to begin reading Surviving a Borderline Parent.

[Legacymaker]

I am so tired of fighting, it feels like it has been going on for years.  It's the same version of the argument every time.  How many ways is it possible to fail your uBPDm? I've been checked out of these arguments for years now, just hoping they would pass.  The latest occured over 3 weeks ago.  I have been on NC since.  Her husband contacted me and asked if I was ready to talk about things.  The message had a twinge of accusation to it, so I knew they felt it was still going to be "my fault".  You can read the details of the argument and my relationship with her on the New Member board if you are interested.

So what was different this time?  For the past two weeks I have been educating myself and gathering info from these boards.  I have just completed reading Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has BPD.  Today I practiced the

D.E.A.R. technique.

Describe the situation as you see it, without exaggerating, making judgements or explainations.

Express your feelings or opinions about the situation clearly.

Assert Limits

Reinforce the benefits of your limits, if appropriate.

I had both my husband and hers on the phone, so that there could be no misunderstanding of what I was saying.  I gave my mother first opportunity to express what she felt the problem was.  I received a half hearted apology, then she immediately digressed, referring to an argument we had had nearly two years ago.  I asked if she felt that she had been allowed to say everything that she had wanted.

I then read my version of the situation, using the D.E.A.R technique.  My mother did not like this one bit.  She is not use to me not backing down immediately.  She proceeded to "split" and dysregulate all over the place.  (Normally I don't involve our spouses, but I wanted them to hear what she was doing).  I can't say anything has been resolved.  My mother took zero responsibility for the things she had said, she denied that she had said the most hurtful of them.  My husband reminded her that I have not deviated from any version of my story since the minute I called him to come and pick me up and that he would find the context of the conversation something that would have been to far fetched for me to have made up.  She continued to try to "recruit" my husband to gang up on me for supposedly saying the "f" word nearly two years ago (that was her excuse for what was setting her off in this argument)!  My husband gently told her that those words were not in my nature and he would definately have confronted me if he had heard me say it.  I must admit that I did use that word once... . while I was in labor 26 years ago  but I digress... .

my mother felt it more important to "win" the argument by proving that it had started near the cash registers not near the towels... . HUH?

I mostly stuck to my written text but I can tell that I must learn to prepare for the diversions.

So we have laid out our plan for how we will proceed from here. We have told her we will no longer keep revisiting an argument after it has been resolved and that I will no longer remain in a room, store or anywhere else if I feel verbally threatened.  She is not happy and I have a stomach ache.  I do find it interesting that I am not the blubbering mess of "failure", that normally resides at her feet following one of these confrontations.  I am proud of myself for standing my ground against her verbal abuse.

Thank you to many of you who have supported me on my other posts, without you I wouldn't have been brave enough to stand up to her. 

I am nervous about the backlash, there were LOTS of hooks hung tonight.  I am currently typing up the many options that I have for how we will proceed proceed from here.  I will consider LC (by phone), but only with our spouses present and I will continue to try new techniques.  I am now off to begin reading Surviving a Borderline Parent.

[dilburnt]

  LEGACYMAKER

You did a wonderful job and I am really inspired!  I have not read the books (I am very overdue for that) but the D.E.A.R. technique sounds wonderful... . having others on the call was also a very good idea.  I have read other posts here about people who never speak to their pwBPD unless there are others present.

Take some deep breaths to help that tummy ache... . I'm sure others with more experience will chime in with more useful comments and suggestions for your next steps, but in my view you are off to a great start in setting some new terms of engagement with you mom.  No small feat - well done!   

[makingachange]

Good for you! Sounds like you did everything right. I need to get me a copy of that book ASAP!

I know what you mean about the stomach ache, even when you feel perfectly justified about how you've behaved, though. Maybe go for a walk or get some other exercise to get your mind off of it?

[Tayto]

well done, always remember that you have a right to be dignified and moral no matter who or what happens around you. standing your ground in my experience without being abusive has brought my mother and I closer together.

I don't think they listen to a conversation fully and then have to make it up as they go along and it always comes out wrong in their minds.

[Sitara]

Congrats for trying something new!  Not everything is going to work for everyone, so keep trying until you find something that works.  I'd suggest checking out this thread: COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

I found the very first post there very helpful.

After you read that, can you see any reasons why your mom reacted the way she did?

[Legacymaker]

Thank you for your support everyone!

Sitira, thank you for giving me a "next step" to try.  My husband and I were just brainstorming where to go next.  In answer to your question "can you see any reasons why your mom reacted the way she did"... . is because she's mean a valid answer? 

I really am trying to find some understanding, mostly she seems very jealous and disappointed by the way her life has turned out (even though she is in a fairly positive place).  I will read the suggested link and see if I can give it some thought.

[Sitara]

I really am trying to find some understanding

It's very difficult to come to terms with she might just not be capable of understanding.  All I wanted from my mom was for her to acknowledge she has some issues she needs to work on and then actually work on them.  With BPD, they just aren't ever capable of admitting that something isn't perfect with themselves and so I've had to let go of that dream.  It's hard, but it's helped me move on and focus on the things I can change.

mostly she seems very jealous and disappointed

Quite likely, and since she's unable to deal with those emotions herself, she's going to try to project those feelings on you and force you to deal with them for her.  Which reminds me of another thread you might find useful: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

It's so nice your husband is supporting you in this.  You'll figure out something that works.

[makingachange]

I'm so glad your husband is supportive of you in this, too. Mine is as well, and it's a huge comfort.

So funny to hear how similar our parents all are. I suspect that mine has been jealous of things in my life for some time now, as well. Isn't it so frustrating when you just want to shake them and be like, "then why do you make such terrible choices?" Obviously, that's not the healthiest option 

[Legacymaker]

Making a Change and Sitara,

I am working hard on remembering to say thank you to my husband and to others who help me remember to hold onto my "self" through these challenges.  I am very proud of my husband, he is so kind and has been very patient with my entire family.  He sets a great example to his three sons and to me.  We have been married for 31 years.  Thankfully he comes from a loving and reletively stable environment.   I am not sure he has ever had a peaceful moment when we are in the presence of my side of the family. (I also have a father that is dx with schizoaffective disorder, a stepfather that is an alcoholic and my brother is probably uNPD-so not much peace) so I hope that I can learn some new skills to make the second half of our lives a little more quiet!