Balance between supporting and enabling

[Margarete]

HI,
I am have been a member for 2 years but have not posted in a long time.
My dd was diagnosed about 4 years ago (28 now) with BPD after a turbulent childhood and adolescence (diagnosed/misdiagnosed and treated for most mental illnesses known to mankind).
She has been in dbt therapy since being diagnosed and is not in denial. She has made a lot of progress but still relapses into typical behaviors, depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies.
I am struggling emotionally with the constant roller coaster and accepting what is, not what could be. I am an older mom and of course worry about her being able to self sustain once I am gone.
Where do you draw the line. Supporting her emotionally and financially for the last 9 years after college enabled her IMO to finish highschool (by the skin of her teeth) and college (with a lot of accommodations for diagnosed ADD etc) and now actually have a job. All this years I had to hear from well meaning people that I am enabling her and that she just has to fall on her face to learn and improve, which I think is the ignorant interpretation of Tough Love to a situation where it does not do any good.
I think we are at a crossroad right now, where the old pattern re-emerges: She does fine for a few weeks/months but loses motivation quickly and retreats to " I am depressed, anxious and need a reset/mental health day etc" When younger she just quit whatever she was doing but now she sort of justifies it with her disorder, which - no doubt - plays very much into this.
The consequence of now risking her job for me is that I will either have to keep supporting her financially or pulling the rug out from under her (rent and other obligations).  I never saw her gaining anything for her recovery from facing consequences: Just rage, denial, self-hate and self harm as well as suicidal ideas. General idea: I am just a failure all around and can just give up struggling.
I do not want to fall into the trap of co-dependency but also not lose my only child...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Hello and I’m so sorry about your current challenges. I’m new to this forum and I anxiously await the responses you will receive. Your thought and questions swirl around in my brain daily. I’m a linear thinker and tend to be fairly black and white and extremely reality-based. My DD uBPD19 is only just beginning college, work, semi-adulthood and these questions cannot be ignored. Wishful thinking only goes so far. I definitely would ignore those who offer advice with no knowledge of the disability your DD faces. That is sheer ignorance on their part. The practice of Touch Love was the knife in the back of my DD by me.  Natural consequences cause each and every result you mention, but rarely the “desired one” we hope for.
I hope we get some sage advice here!
Peacemom

[Swimmy55]

Welcome to the group.
Many of us struggle with this.  I was forced to be on the opposite side and had to do tough love when my adult son became physically violent toward me and my home .  The total of damages to my house is up to $4000 and still counting.   So I would say this, if the situation is life threatening for anyone involved, tough love is the only choice.  I hate it, but the other alternative would be to have him back in my house to finish what he started.  His rage is / was intolerable and he has refused all treatment options to date.  I had to get a restraining order, an emergency psych hold on him from court, but his Dad worked out another place for him  to stay  .  All he had to do was go to rehab after the hospitalization. He refused to go and ultimately got kicked out of this situation as well. 

Read through the posts here, the suggested readings.  I would also recommend maybe going to either an al-anon or CODA meetings ( Co dependents anonymous) as they have tools for appropriate self care.   Many of us , including myself, have our own therapists that can help with this .  There are no easy one size fits all answers unfortunately.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Margarit
I am happy to meet you and sorry for the circumstances that bring you (back) here. First off you are NOT a failure. You are an excellent mother facing a horrible disease doing the best you can for your daughter. Negotiating boundaries and distinguishing between needed help and enabling is not easy for any of us but it can be done. What works for me is asking myself if my son is really able to do something himself or needs help. If he is capable of doing it I (usually) stand back and let him. If not my H and I help. Do you think that might work for you too?
Hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

I 100% agree with Swimmy and actually here in Texas anytime one is a danger to himself or another we’ve been mandated to take action which has either been to encourage our loved one to voluntarily submit to MH treatment facility or call for help. However, when the loved one is not harming another and when we’ve determined that the suicidal outcry is not a real threat, then I like the idea of asking what they can and cannot do and if they cannot do something imperative to their survival, if I’m the one to make it happen. I’ve wondered about some type of supported housing and/or service that could assist with money management, etc. almost like a case worker or social worker. It is amazing to me that so many loved ones on this website actually get college degrees. That seems like a total longshot for my DD as that takes full prefrontal cortex skills and will not happen without planning, commitment and ability.

[wendydarling]

Hello Margarete

I do not want to fall into the trap of co-dependency but also not lose my only child...

Me neither, and this is something I question myself regularly. Self aware, I see this as a  process to get to where we need to be. Glad you posted.

She has been in dbt therapy since being diagnosed and is not in denial. She has made a lot of progress but still relapses into typical behaviors, depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies.

  My 30DD was also diagnosed 4 years ago, also DBT and not in denial. And I recognise the lapses, it's slow, slow, slow progress and I have to remind myself what needs to be put right is darn complex. It is doable, question is how far can our children reach? My DD is about to start new treatments, it's going to be interesting! I'll keep you all posted. Have you considered what after DBT?

All this years I had to hear from well meaning people that I am enabling her and that she just has to fall on her face to learn and improve, which I think is the ignorant interpretation of Tough Love to a situation where it does not do any good.

Gee, if only they knew, so glad you are here with us. Every situation is different as Swimmy says.

I think we are at a crossroad right now, where the old pattern re-emerges: She does fine for a few weeks/months but loses motivation quickly and retreats to " I am depressed, anxious and need a reset/mental health day etc" When younger she just quit whatever she was doing but now she sort of justifies it with her disorder, which - no doubt - plays very much into this.

I'm thinking a change of treatment, hoping my DD's moving into exploring the roots of her disorder, beyond perhaps what DBT offers.

I have to dash to work …. I'll be back, your thread has legs 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi Margarete

You’ve raised such an important point. I used to look and try to negotiate a path forwards, endlessly reflecting - one step forwards and two back sometimes. Sometimes “no progress”, progress isn’t linear.

I do a lot of problem solving in my course and a tutor advised me this year “look at the end goal, what kind of legacy do you want to leave”.

These are wise words for those of us with adult BPD children - particularly those who are thinking “gosh, how are they going to cope after I’ve gone?”

I looked at that. I want son to know he can get through the tough spells that life brings. He may not cope, he may have wobbles, but he KNOWS he can get through it because of all the other experiences he’s faced. He is learning to live independently “on the job” while we walk beside him. I’m not saying everything he does, he actually does himself. But honestly, I was doing way too much for him before finding this forum. He learns through experience, he often fails but we no longer look at “mistakes” we view them as positives. He tried, it didn’t work, try a different approach, repeat.

I’m a back seat parenter now. I wait for him to ask for help. I stopped enabling with money. I figured that, as an adult that refuses treatment, is reluctant to accept responsibility for his life that I had two choices:  finance him til I die OR get him responsible for living his life (however that looked, on benefits etc). We have two children, we have plans for retirement. My life isn’t permanently subsidising my son’s bad choices.

Son lived in a life find half way arrangement for nearly 2 years. He’s just moved into a new place, full independent living. We take a big inhale of breath as we watch, nudge, emotionally support.

We are each unique. What works for one may not work for the other. It’s a thin line between support, enabling and co-dependency.  I’m still negotiating it!

It’s great your daughter is working. Does she like it?

LP

[Swimmy55]

These are wise words for those of us with adult BPD children - particularly those who are thinking “gosh, how are they going to cope after I’ve gone?”
I’m a back seat parenter now. I wait for him to ask for help. I stopped enabling with money. I figured that, as an adult that refuses treatment, is reluctant to accept responsibility for his life that I had two choices:  finance him til I die OR get him responsible for living his life (however that looked, on benefits etc). We have two children, we have plans for retirement. My life isn’t permanently subsidising my son’s bad choices.

This ...  Thank you Lollypop. Not subsidising adult child's bad choices.  Powerful and very helpful .

[wendydarling]

Hi Margarete

How are you today?

The consequence of now risking her job for me is that I will either have to keep supporting her financially or pulling the rug out from under her (rent and other obligations).  

It is a real challenge for many of us, are our children well enough to support themselves, if not right now are they on the path towards being able to. As LP says look at the end goal for our unique situation. What other options do you have? It took me a while to understand my DD's options, put myself in her shoes, see it from her perspective. Best and worst case scenarios. My DD is not working yet (she gave up her job Dec 2016 to focus on getting well), she receives a tiny disability allowance living at home. She talks of working 2 days to begin with, meaning she believes she can manage that and then build up gradually, see how it goes. To do 2 days consistently will mean investing in a lot of self care and focus. Looking to the future, my DD will either be able to support herself and if not she will live on social benefits. She may go through periods of working and periods of living off benefits. For me it's important DD in time understands how the unemployment benefit system works, to be able and confident to access. It's a human right. So far she's learnt how to access mental health care and disability benefit, how the systems work.

You've seen progress, my experience is more will come. How long has your DD been in DBT. My DD did 19 months.

I think we are at a crossroad right now, where the old pattern re-emerges: She does fine for a few weeks/months but loses motivation quickly and retreats to " I am depressed, anxious and need a reset/mental health day etc" When younger she just quit whatever she was doing but now she sort of justifies it with her disorder, which - no doubt - plays very much into this.

it's good your DD shares with you how she feels, depressed, anxious. My DD's mood, motivation is similar good periods and periods when it hits her. Recently she said she'd been able accomplish more in the last 3 days than the last 3 months.  It's real. Can you see your DD is doing her best, like you are?

What does your DD do socially?

Things do get better, it is slow.

WDx

[wendydarling]

Final Q are you providing more than a roof and food?