I suggest that we approach it by asking: what is love?
i agree. this is a good place to start.
Do some reading of the classics in philosophy and spirituality and you'll begin to see how shallow and unconvincing a pwBPD's "love" is in light their ACTIONS. A big part of our closure lies in fully accepting that the relationship we hoped for was never even a possibility with a pwBPD, and that isn't our fault.
one such classic says: "love keeps no record of wrongs".
i dont think that our closure lies in keeping record of, or overemphasizing the wrongs. i tried, and struggled hard in spite of it. i think that if my ultimate conclusion had been "she never loved me", i would have continued to struggle.
for every wrong on my exes end, there were many rights; many loving actions that i can cherish today.
for every right on my end, there were many wrongs.
Whenever your pwBPD (or suspected pwBPD) declares their love for you (which is usually often and prematurely), kindly ask them some questions about love.
my ex used to ask me those questions; ask why i loved her, in tender moments. i never had very good answers, and the first that came to mind was always "because you love me".
children in adult bodies.
if people with BPD are children (theyre not), if you have children, try asking them why they love you.
"because you are a good mommy/daddy"
"because you are a special mommy/daddy"
"because you are a funny mommy/daddy"
"because you make me rice krispies in the morning"
"because you love me"
these are immature, but sincere expressions (words) of love. we dont discount them because they come from a child. we dont ask ourselves what actions they have committed that disprove these words.
But as we learn at our peril, most pwBPD people never face themselves honestly and would rather have a string of disposable partner objects which they can use as emotional garbage dumps for offloading their projections. This is not what love is.
i agree. we should aspire to greater love. we should ask ourselves what love is. we should ask ourselves if, and why we love others. we should separate our fantasies and projections from the other person who, in the process we fail to see as an autonomous and loveable human being.
at a later point after this experience, we should ask ourselves if we fell short in our ideals about love, how our ideals of love have changed or grown, whether they will evolve going forward.
Nor is it becoming enmeshed in a mentally ill person's fantasy of idealized love.
now thats the crux, aint it? how do we become enmeshed in someone elses fantasy of idealized love, without having one ourselves?