My wife hates me. Kind of running out of hope.

[Juicy929]

Hello everyone.

I have been scrolling these boards for a little bit, and have found hope, validation, and clarity many times over. I appreciate all of you and your experiences.

I guess we all kind of reach a place that makes us post for the first time. Here's mine:

My wife (diagnosed bpd/bipolar) and I have been together for nearly six years. There was a few months of seperation about two years ago. The road to getting back together was long and painful, but we eventually got to a good enough place, and we renewed our vows and have been actively trying to improve our marriage ever since.

The last few months have been... Rocky. It feels like every step forward is met by several steps backwards. There have been events that have been traumatic, for both of us, and recovering from them has been slow.

This past weekend, while figuring out how we were doing and what we could do better, she came to a deep realization. She realized that she has a deep resentment for me. It's been there for a very long time, and it's slowly built up over the years. Nothing I've done, nothing I could do, has lessened that resentment. She's just been able to ignore it and be intentional in trying to love me.

She was devastated by this realization. She suddenly recognized the patterns that have occurred in every relationship she's had, romantic, friendship, familial, and more. She suddenly recognized why we continue to struggle in some areas that have never really had a clear explanation.

My initial reaction was love and support. The idea of being broken or having something "wrong" with her has always been a deep and devastating feeling for her. And honestly her being able to recognize this filled me with some hope! Maybe now she'd agree to get help, or maybe we could finally start working on the deeper issues, and stop putting out surface fires.

Now that I've had time to myself, to process and reflect, I'm filled with a deep sadness. I'm feeling like I've spent years trudging up a mountain, sometimes carrying her on my back, and I've just come round a bend in the path, and there is so much more mountain in front of me. Not only that, but the fact that I've poured so much of my love, my energy, myself into this person, just to have her resent me for it.

Anyways, she's always been against the idea of going to therapy, but she's agreed to come with me to my therapist (he has a background in borderline). Of course, because he's a support of mine, she already has a distrust and dislike of him, but I'm hoping that he can at the very least give us a road map to recovery, and help us both overcome these feelings of hopelessness.

Just needed to vent to someone who would understand I guess.

Thanks.

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[kells76]

Hi Juicy929 and

You sound tired -- it's no wonder your image is of you carrying your wife up a mountain. Anyone would be exhausted, feeling like that, and over half a decade is a long time.

Just to get a better picture of your situation, do you have any kids together?

And does your W more or less accept her diagnoses? Is she on any medications for bipolar?

The last few months have been... Rocky. It feels like every step forward is met by several steps backwards. There have been events that have been traumatic, for both of us, and recovering from them has been slow.

What happened?

[Juicy929]

Thanks for the welcome Kells!

Acceptance is a funny thing. She is okay with being diagnosed, and even medicated (she's tried a few, currently she's on an older style anti depressant and I'm terrible with medication names, but it's honestly been amazing. It's almost completely managed her mood swings.) but the idea of going to therapy seems to be the same as admitting that she's broken and needs fixing.

As for the trauma... A little bit of drug relapse, sexual assault, and some deep seated triggers around exes bubbling to the surface.

[EyesUp]

Hello Juicy,

On one hand, what you describe sounds like some flickering self-awareness in your W.  That she's able to recognize resentment - as well as a consistent pattern in her experience - is important.  If she can sustain this direction and avoid, well, avoidance... it could lead to some potentially productive understanding for both of you.  It will take more patience and support, and a very delicate touch on the part of any MC you might engage.  And even then, you may find that the resentment is persistent.

In my case, I noted that my uBPDxw developed resentment toward me for many reasons:
- close relationships with family
- success at work
- many long-term friendships
- good health (!)

I could go on...

Early on, I perceived something like insecurity or jealousy in certain circumstances, and sort of just powered past it.  My X is very smart, super functional, and also objectively successful - when not sabotaging herself for inexplicable reasons.

After 14 years of marriage, insecurity and jealousy had metastasized into resentment. If something was good for me, then somehow it must have been bad for in whatever competition or comparison was happening in her head.  I often felt like "it's not a contest" and that success for either of us could and should be success for both of us - but she simply didn't feel that way.

In the end, her resentment was partial justification for her affair - when I discovered what was happening, she was incredulous that somehow she was "the bad guy" - because in her mind, she was always a victim (of what? I don't know), and therefore entitled to feel good about something...  a lot of distorted thinking came to the front.

It's a cautionary tale, and hopefully one that need not apply in your case - my X rarely demonstrated self awareness or willingness to confront her demons / past traumas - she was much more interested in holding on to the pain of perceived past abuse.

Good luck with your process - it sounds like you are super supportive and attuned to the dynamics in play.