Post divorce-modification on visitation schedule

[Godslove]

I received a letter from ExhBPD's L. about changes of visitation schedule including first refusal right over two hours. I retained a lawyer, agreed about 50-60%, and called his L. letting her know we are up for mediation.

Ever since, he has been texting me. At first, he texted that he won't budge on most so if I plan to change anything from his requests, we may as well take it directly to the court. If going to court, he will ask this and more. One of the texts says he fears I will only follow what is written so if it isn't written I will be totally inflexible. Yesterday,  he wants me to get back to speaking to me like normal divorced parents. Today-- he wants to work this out without lawyers and agreements. He wants flexible open dialogue on the phone. I ignored.

My L. doesn't seem to understand BPD well. He was really puzzled why he didn't take my 50-60% accepts. The least thing I want to do it to talk to him. That is why I put it in court order to communicate only in writing. His and my pick up times have been a mess for three years (2 yrs separation and 1 yr divorce) due to his inconsistent changes. The main thing he wants is to see the kids once midweek-not in court order. I agreed Fridays. but he does not like it. I do not want my children on this roller coaster.

Has your visitation schedule changed after the divorce by your will or not by your will? How does it go with BPD person (not diagnosed) ? Is there a chance the court will give him what he wants despite the fact he could not keep the court schedule consistently? What is my best move?

[takingandsending]

Hi Godslove.

Does your court order currently state communication only in writing? Do you have documentation of the visitation pick up times that he has missed or ignored? Those are the items to present plainly and simply. Note that you do not feel mediation will produce positive results as your xh has been unable to follow the current order.

Also sounds as if you may possibly be better served by an L who is familiar with high conflict/BPD divorces and understands how to litigate in court v. out of court.

[livednlearned]

Has your visitation schedule changed after the divorce by your will or not by your will? How does it go with BPD person (not diagnosed) ? Is there a chance the court will give him what he wants despite the fact he could not keep the court schedule consistently? What is my best move?

S15's visitation scheduled changed a few times after divorce, by my will (BPDx left a trail of evidence, which was helpful). My case is probably a little different than yours (altho if I remember correctly, your ex has strong narcissistic traits?). Even so, N/BPDx tried to roll things back and was always denied. I get the impression (notwithstanding that N/BPDx's behaviors were well-documented in emails and text messages) that court loves the status quo, so why change. Unless something significant happens to change the court's mind, change is a risk, and court seems risk averse.

The focus is almost always on the minor child, how is the minor child doing, what has changed, if anything.

If the change is simply because your ex wants it, chances are that will not be very persuasive.

Also, you agreed to 50-60 percent, and he decides to take you to court anyway? And wants you to agree to violate the existing court order, based on what evidence? Those are the kinds of things that my judge would take note of, especially a parent (who already has a custody order limiting communication and time with child) who wants something without showing any kind of repent or redemption of prior bad behavior. Whereas your ex seems to imply that you are the problem here, which is just more of the same prattle on his part, I would imagine.

What has he offered to show that he has changed and deserves more time, or more communication with you?

<probably nothing>

[Godslove]

Thanks for both of your replies!
What has he offered to show that he has changed and deserves more time, or more communication with you?
--> Nothing. More hostile emails and texts.

As much as he drinks and drives, he doesn't even have a ticket. 8 yrs marriage counselor said he is a BPD who appears to be a perfect father. He was in a new relationship at that time, let go of children pretty easily. Postdivorce info. from Splitting with BPD is happening exactly.

What he thinks he has on me is his requests to see kids mid week and my consistent replies that I have a previous plan and to stick to the court order. He wrote many times he is building a strong case of child alienation and neglect (because I live in 2 bedroom apartments). One of his texts bluntly saying "you know I try to stretch time every change I get". Then he showed up two hours late. Does judges really read those texts?

I did response to his email of asking for kids' routines. I added my concern of his inconsistent time and last minute changes. I also asked kids' summer school again. His reply was real gentleman's email -- pleading me to help him see the kids more (even one hour) and get involved in their lives. And how much kids enjoy doing things with him. Nothing about time or summer school.

My L. will call Exh's L. next week to schedule a mediation. He says it is not a big deal and probably I will not want to go to court. I told him I am willing to go to court. He does agree if I give in easily, Exh will try to do something like this repeatedly. My L advised to submit the CSEA application. I agreed. After that, he told me to expect more picking on me. He also advises to offer Exh my next Friday so it shows to the court that I am serious about my offer.

Do you ask agreement of all the activities kids do? What about VBS? Do you send out all the doctor's appointments?

[takingandsending]

I would definitely use input that text and record of his late arrival as evidence if you go to court.

I have put into parent plan with uBPDxw that we agree upon childrens' extra curricular activities, split costs for those that we agree upon and individual parents' financial responsibility for any that are not agreed upon. I don't know what VBS is. Routine doctor's appointments or emergency visits, no prior notification required. Decision making for changes in doctor, long term health treatment plans, non-emergency surgeries, orthodontal work, etc. is shared between parents. That's what I proposed in the plan - doubtful uBPDxw will comply.

[Panda39]

... .One of his texts bluntly saying "you know I try to stretch time every chance I get"... .

This could also be taken as I keep the kids longer than court ordered.  If he is in fact keeping them longer than he should.

[livednlearned]

Those accusations sound so familiar 

So much depends on the judge.

Even so, you sticking to the court order is what you are expected to do. When this kind of thing landed me and my ex back in court, the judge would say, "We are not re-litigating this. The order is the order."

Also, your ex is trying to make this about you and him.

It's about the kids.

Try to focus everything back on them.

"Your honor, the kids have adjusted to the schedule. I am happy to report that minimizing face-to-face communication and following the court order has minimized the conflict significantly. The kids are able to transition between homes without being exposed to unnecessary conflict, and this is better for them. We respectfully ask the court to make no changes to the existing order."

[Godslove]

Yes, that text (him admitting to try to stretch the time) was sent to me when he kept the kids two more hours.

This is the last email from him.
"I agree with no arguing and I want to make it real simple. Please help me be more a part of the kids lives. I moved to XX so I can be close and see them more often. You must need a break once in a while. Let me pick them up and take them for after school bike rides this spring/summer and on occasion let me enroll them in something I can provide rides and accompany them. I'm sure they shared with you I have been practicing music and would really enjoy giving lessons when I get home. It could be for an hour and don't always have to share dinner. Please help me be more engaged in the kids lives."

It went from I will take you to court to this: from dinner visit to homework /dinner to activities / dinner to could be for one hour and maybe no dinner. It sounds such a reasonable father who loves kids so much if you see only this email. Still he wants to switch weekends on D9's birthday that he cannot have kids, didn't explain why. 

It does sound good and tempting for me to say okay and have all the troubles go away but I know from more than 10 years experiences that he will not walk the talk. I am still offering him Fridays so he can see the kids more but does not interrupt kids's routines. He started it. I agreed on mediation now he doesn't want it. Should I push for mediation or just wait until he eases out?

[Godslove]

"Your honor, the kids have adjusted to the schedule. I am happy to report that minimizing face-to-face communication and following the court order has minimized the conflict significantly. The kids are able to transition between homes without being exposed to unnecessary conflict, and this is better for them. We respectfully ask the court to make no changes to the existing order."

Exactly! I hope I am as articulate as you are! I am learning. Thanks!

[livednlearned]

It went from I will take you to court to this: from dinner visit to homework /dinner to activities / dinner to could be for one hour and maybe no dinner. It sounds such a reasonable father who loves kids so much if you see only this email.

It sounds like he is negotiating with himself. If you are being firm and not wavering, then he can only move his position because yours is set.

My ex actually taught me this (former trial lawyer), to never negotiate with myself, something he learned from practicing law.

Once I learned to have strong boundaries, he became a master at negotiating with himself, always trying to sweeten the deal hoping I would nibble.

I agreed on mediation now he doesn't want it. Should I push for mediation or just wait until he eases out?

Me, I would wait and see. He is looking for cracks in the foundation. He might try to rattle you with mediation or court, and it could be a bluff, it's hard to know. BPD taught me to focus on what was really happening, versus what might happen. That kind of anxiety can tunnel a hole through your soul.

[Godslove]

BPD taught me to focus on what was really happening, versus what might happen.

Thanks!
I will keep telling myself that. I want to shake off this anxiety and I am getting better at it. It helps a lot when I know you all experience that and can analyze what they are doing/thinking.

Right now, he thinks he is getting what he wants from having his lawyer sending me the letter to threaten because I offered one Friday (my L. suggestion in case we go to court, showing judge that my offer was sincere) and backs up my reason saying no on school days. I switched weekends (I would love to have my girl on her birthday. She is happy too).

He will blow up again-soon when I have to say no to any mid day he wants or switch weekends. I learned from this as much as he threatened me, he is the one who does not want to mediate or going to court to change the order. For me mediation or court is better than negotiating with him directly. He clearly stated he fears that I will only follow the order if changed. He knows he can not follow any order or does not want to. Seems like he is getting an idea I have my boundary after three years. Of course first couple years, I was shaky. 

[livednlearned]

He will blow up again-soon when I have to say no to any mid day he wants or switch weekends. I learned from this as much as he threatened me, he is the one who does not want to mediate or going to court to change the order.

This can be a form of leverage for you. "We do seem to disagree on what is best for the kids --  I am fine having a judge resolve this, as you suggested."

If your ex repeatedly doesn't get the reaction he wants, he may drop it from his repertoire. What's the fun in threatening you if you aren't threatened